A weekend to celebrate...

It's finally here... Graduation. Tomorrow, I will march in a graduation ceremony that will signify the completion of my Masters Degree... I admit that is a moment that I wondered if I would reach...

After earning my bachelor's degree and teaching for a while I was fortunate to work in a district where coursework was paid for...and at that time I really had no interest in earning a masters degree... but I was interested in taking classes that interested me. I took some sign language classes and loved it. I loved that it was something I was taking for my love of the subject... not as a requirement, strictly enrichment. That was the summer of 2002...

I began taking graduate courses in the summer of 2006... with the intent of completing my degree in three years. My degree would include ten classes and a year long internship. My plan was to take two courses each summer, one each fall, and one each spring... which seemed very do-able. Well life is what happens when you are busy making other plans...

Summer of 2006, I took two classes... that fall I took a course, and in the spring of 2007 I took a course... By the spring of 2007 my knee was in really bad shape... my pain was unbearable... going to work was hard enough, extending my days and attending classes was miserable. That was also when my grandmother started battling cancer... so something had to give...I had surgery that summer. I knew that my recovery would take some time and opted to not take a fall class... as it worked out, that was the fall that my grandmother died... and the time away from classes was needed. Spring of 2008 I started up again... and that was when Mom was diagnosed with her cancer....I decided to take the summer off from coursework and spend time with my family. Again, the right decision. Fall 2008 I took a class, and enrolled in a course for the spring 2009 semester... but not long into that course, Mom got worse, and we knew her time was limited... so I withdrew from the class.... Mom died that April... and I was in no condition to be working on courses... the day to day survival was enough of a challenge... I did not return to my graduate work until September 2009. And have not stopped since...

In my head I thought it had been six years... but it has been five... A lot has happened in those five years... life outside of my career has drastically changed... I watched as two of the strongest women in my life took their last breaths... losing their lives to cancer... leaving behind those of us who loved and adored them... leaving us unsure how to live life without them.

When my knee was at its worst, I battled depression and anxiety... missed many days of work as I wondered if I would ever have a life without physical pain... after surgery, when the pain began to subside, my life fell apart when Mom got sick...

As you know, it has been two years since Mom died.... and I have begun to remember her life in addition to her death... and now believe that there will be a time when I will remember more details about her life than I remember about her death... I feel that I have solid ground underneath me, upon which I can build my life... which I have not felt in several years...

I have hope. Hope. Something I had grown to resent in others... when I knew there was none for my mother...

I am grateful... as much as I tell myself that I am the person in my relationships who is the rock... upon who people lean... there have been some incredible people by my side through this journey... My Dad... My sister... my FRIENDS... people who somehow navigated my emotional journey in a way that allowed me to know I was not alone, yet also allowed me to feel and grieve alone when I needed that... I think it would have been easy for people to abandon me during the last five years... I withdrew and shut down... and people could have easily used that as a way to step away from me... but nobody did... nobody did...

There are a couple of people who are no longer integral parts of my life, but those are people I have chosen to distance myself from...

I have been looking so forward to tomorrow... an event to signify, not only my completion of my graduate degree, but... my survival... perhaps even triumph... As one of my friends said to me today... tomorrow marks your "stick-to-it-iveness... she's right...

My mother and father, neither of whom earned degrees beyond high school diplomas, always valued education. My sister was the first in our family to earn a college degree... and I remember the pride my parents took in her accomplishment... three years later I joined her with my bachelor's degree, and again... my parents were proud. When I decided to apply to the graduate program at my university, Mom and Dad were very excited.... "Good Deal..." as Dad would say... They asked about my work... encouraged me to keep going even when life was hard, busy, and overwhelming... Mom used to say that she was proud of me for working full time, coaching, working the tolls, and taking classes... yet she reminded me to find time to enjoy myself too...

Mom would be soo proud to see me walk across that stage tomorrow..... to see that I have done it... and I will miss her tomorrow... My dad posted something today on our family's website... about being proud of me and about how mom will be watching over us tomorrow... and it brought tears to my eyes... I know I am going to be emotional tomorrow... mostly with joy and excitement... a lot of pride too...

After Mom died... I was pretty sure that she would visit my dreams... that it would be an appearance that would be bold and would clearly have some message for me... I have yet to have a dream like that.. but I have had a couple of dreams in which I felt her presence... and in one dream I caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye... but she looked like she did when she was sick, thin, frail, and her glasses looked disproportionately large for her gaunt face... but she was there... not the comfort I had hoped for...

Last weekend something kind of cool happened... After I had gone on my solo kayak paddle on our birthday/Mother's Day... as I was driivng home, I had a craving for a hot dog. I rarely eat hot dogs unless I am camping, and then cooking a hot dog over the fire is a necessity... As I was driving I couldn't think of anyplace to go to get a hot dog and told myself I really wasn't a huge fan of hot dogs, so why would I buy one... but I really wanted one... Not long after I got home I had gone onto facebook... and had seen a post from my sister, who is entertaining the idea of being a vegetarian... she had not been eating meat, other than seafood... and her post that day was about being a little disappointed with herself because she had eaten two hot dogs for lunch! I laughed out loud... because I knew, in that moment, that Mom had made her appearance... Mom LOVED hot dogs... she would eat them often, including for breakfast when she was on her low carb diets... and I am convinced that she had something to do with my sister and I both craving hot dogs...

So before last weekend, had Dad said that Mom was watching over us... I would not have necessarily disputed it... but I am not sure I would have believed it either... But... after last weekend... when I felt mom's presence while I was kayaking... and the whole hot dog coincidence... I do think she is around... and look forward to making her proud tomorrow!

Stay tuned for pictures!