Getting the bird...

As a teacher I work with kids whose behaviors change daily. Today, one of my favorite kids, who has Aspergers, had a rough time. His life currently has some areas of turmoil and the stress from those aspects are greatly impacting his ability to self regulate his emotions. He is pushing the limits in the settings in which he is most comfortable, including my room. Today he came in and immediately acted in a way that demanded my attention. I knew he was seeking a reaction from me and is also testing the limits. I set a clear line with him, which usually makes him get back on track. He just needs the safety of those boundaries. The first prompt did not keep him where he needed to be... and he pushed the limit... after a few other events happened he drew my attention to him and flipped me off then, as if he changed his mind, he raised the other fingers on his hand and grinned at me... I love the moments when I can see the wheels turning. He was, in that moment, deciding what he wanted to do... and then he flipped me off, with full effort. Of course I addressed the behavior and things escalated. After about an hour of having to follow his behavior plan, which involved other staff members, and unfortunately included some separation and a restraint (which I do not ever do), this student was able to get to a place where he could come back and talk to me, calmly. He accepted the consequences for his behaviors and was able to acknowledge to me that he knew he should not flip me off, but then he chose to do it anyway. He is a child. He is learning how to navigate his way through his world, as he sees it... as his teacher, it is my job to help him use navigational tools and to help him see how his actions impact others.

The part of that story that stood out to me today as I think about this situation, is that the hardest part of my job, is to determine whether the actions of this student are part of his disability or if they are chosen. His behavior early in my class today, was not intended. He reacted to something. While I know he can behave differently, more appropriate, and meet the expectations placed on him in my class, his first behavior was a mistake. The flipping me off part... that was a calculated move. After his first outburst, he had calmed down and I had given him time to cool off and at one point he was able to say that he was not yet ready to re-engage which is a part of our interactions when something like this happens... so I gave him some more time. While I kept teaching the other kids, I kept my eye on him and watched him keep looking at me to see if I was focused on him. He gradually began attention seeking behaviors, lightly tapping his desk with his pencil case and when I did not recognize his noise he increased the intensity of the tapping to a point where other kids could no longer hear me, and as soon as I looked at him, he stopped the tapping and flipped me the bird... then as I described above, hesitated... then grinning, did it full force.

In our conversation, I was happy that he was able to tell me that he knew it was wrong, but that he did it anyway... we were able to talk about how his choice, in that moment, changes things. We talked about how it is easy to excuse behaviors when they are unintended, but that when people choose to do something to hurt someone else, it becomes more difficult. He was able to recognize that this may make me less likely to trust him in the future, or to give his behaviors the benefit of the doubt... and was able to say that the other kids probably did not learn as much as they could have learned without his distractions.

As a teacher it is easy, in these situations, to help kids see how their actions impact other people...about how their actions reflect who they are... and that they have so many choices in how they behave and what they do... Some people, unfortunately including some teachers, justify behaviors of kids due to their disability. It also happens that teachers do not hold high expectations of students who have disabilities because the disability label, in their minds, means they need to expect less... it drives me crazy. I often tell my students that I do have high expectations of them, but I also tell them that I will never have an unfair expectation. At 6'6" tall I use my height to connect with the kids. I stand in front of them, reach up and touch the lights that hang from my ceiling... and I say to them, because I am tall, I can reach this light. I will never expect you to be able to reach this light without a chair or a stepladder... but... I do expect that you can do the best you can do...

I guess that my experience today with this student really made me think about our actions... and our ability to control our actions... What is excusable and what isn't? When we act with intent, and that intention is misleading or calculated in a way that is hurtful, how do people justify it?

Perhaps like this:

"I am a Christian. Christians are not perfect, just forgiven, always. We have faith that we are loved by someone that we can't see or hear. We base our faith on a book that was written thousands of years ago. Ecclesiastes 7:20 "There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins."

That, was a quote from Matt's reaction to my blog. It makes me shake my head. I do agree that there is not a righteous man on earth who never sins... but how can people hide behind religion to excuse their behavior?

Do people make mistakes? Yes. Do I think mistakes should be forgiven? Yes... But... there is a difference between mistakes and consciously taking actions you know are wrong. Mistakes are things that are accidental... unintentional... Does being a Christian mean that you can act irresponsibly and then justify or defend it? So someone who is a Christian can abuse someone, molest someone, intentionally deceive someone, and it's okay because they will be forgiven?

I have not read the bible, but I would guess that there are some parts in there that discuss doing the right thing, treating people the way you want to be treated, about being honest.

(Pausing for a moment while I look up the commandments...) Hmmmm...

#4: Remember the Sabbath... the seventh day... no work... Well.. times have changed and people HAVE to work on Sundays, right? We, as a society, have just let that one go... so I am sure God forgives us for that... so maybe THAT one is flexible...

#6: You shall not murder... Ooh... that one seems to be a big one... maybe God doesn't forgive for that after all... so... maybe some of God's commandments are more strict than others?

#7: You shall not commit adultery... no comment... after all I have never been married...does it count if you are not married? (Note sarcasm here.)

#8: You shall not steal... steal... to take something (someone's heart perhaps) that is not yours without permission... well I suppose I did give permission...

#9: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor... Bear false witness... I suppose that is open to interpretation... and since other people can use it to their convenience.. why not say here that this commandment says: Do not misrepresent yourself in a way that will do harm to others...

But... no matter what the commandments say I know the loophole... Ecclesiastes 7:20 "There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins." So... men who Murder (okay maybe not murder), commit adultery , steal, and misrepresent themselves must be Christians who follow Ecclesiastes and give the bird to the commandments? (Unless of course they choose to take Sundays off from these activities... maybe then they could say they were following one commandment, therefore they are worthy of having God look past the other 9...) THIS is why I struggle with religion.. not because of the specific beliefs or rules... but because religion, to MOST is out of convenience.

If you are a Christian... where does it say you can choose this, ignore that , and use the other parts when it fits your agenda? Is that really what Jesus would do? Jesus was willing to die for intentional sins? I really don't understand how one can live as a Christian when it is convenient to do so and make excuses for one's behavior when it is inconvenient... I thought being a Christian was like being pregnant, either you are or you are not. Matt did say that he will pray for thebest in my life... Well... if you SAY you are a Christian, but you don't live in a way that shows that you are... don't pray for me... pray for you.

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. If I do something that hurts someone it is not something that I do knowingly... I do not act in ways that will mislead someone, to make someone maintain or increase feelings for me. I have never told someone I love them and then acted so incompatible with that statement... Religion or no religion... there is something to be said for a moral compass.

So clearly I am still angry and upset... as much as I would like to just be over it... I had a moment today, when my student, after his outburst described above, sat next to me and was sincere with his apology as he looked into my eyes...... and one word came to mind... sincerity. I really value sincerity...