The Break up...

I wasn't gong to post this today... because today is about my mom, our birthdays, and my relationship with her... that I very much miss... but.. I also want to leave my weekend feeling like I got the thoughts out of my head that I wanted to get out. I had posted something this weekend but afterwards it didn't feel good... it felt like I was throwing Matt under the bus...and as it turns out... this one kind of does the same thing... (added after writing the rest of this) It wasn't my intent...

When I first began sharing things on my blog, about Matt and I, I was a little surprised. This forum is a place that has been limited to what I do in my life and I have rarely mentioned my dating life here... but something about Matt made me let all my guards down. I felt like he was part of my life... my relationship with him was something I was very excited about... so why share so much here, now? Because I was invested in this relationship... completely invested. And I felt like he was going to be part of my life for a long long time... and the people in my life who read my blog who know me best... well.. I want people to know... Not all of it is pretty, and in parts doesn't paint me in the best of lights.. but it is the truth... as I know it. And telling the story... is therapeutic for me... so .. here goes...

He broke up with me on Thursday night. At least it wasn't today, on my actual birthday, right? So much for getting flowers at work on Friday... not that he would have done that, but a girl can hope... He called me and began reading a script he had written for himself. I could tell by his voice that he was not talking to me, but reading to me... really? really.

He told me that this was going to come out of nowhere... UNDERSTATEMENT... especially considering the night before he invited me to spend time with him and his son on Friday, hopefully riding bikes... considering the night before we had been chatting online and he brought up one of his friends who seemed to be struggling to find the right kind of relationship and we talked about our relationship...and he said he thought we had a good thing going, that he LOVED how compatible we were, that we had a good balance of give and take... considering that JUST this week he sent me links to tools, suggestions of what he would like as presents for his upcoming graduation... considering that on THAT VERY DAY, he posted a picture on facebook of a Lakers decal I had sent to him and in the picture's caption thanked me... considering that earlier that week I had told him that my dad had indeed come across some tools that he could have for a potential landscaping side business and he was excited... considering he emailed one of my friends to seek advice on what to do for my birthday... So YES, it came out of nowhere.

He told me that something was not right in our relationship, that something was missing... and after prodding his excuse was that he is not as attracted to me as he thinks he should be... because of my weight. He was reluctant to tell me that because he said it would hurt my feelings. And I told him that hurting my feelings was already something he could check of his list of things he had done so he may as well tell me the truth... The truth is, that he and I had talked about my weight earlier in the relationship. We talked about whether either of us had any concerns about things and other than distance I had none... he said he worried about my weight because he thought it impacted my back and my knee... He did not say anything about it being a concern for the attraction...in fact after that conversation he was pretty affectionate with me, as he always was.

I shared with him that my weight was something I also think about. That before my pvns stuff came about I was about 100 pounds lighter than I am now... and after surgery when I could once again be active, I began losing weight again, until my mother got sick and my routine changed from regular gym workouts to regular three hour trips to see my sick mother...and with that came a lot of on the go eating... I am an active person. Have walked two half marathons. Am currently more active than he is...

Do I think my weight is a factor in his decision? Yes and no. I think that it is something he has thought about, but in no way do I think it is THE deal breaker. I will get more into what I see as the real reasons later on... I asked him how long he had been feeling this way... and he said a month. A MONTH? That is VERY confusing to me... because... about a month ago.. April 13th to be exact, he texted me while I was at a staff meeting and asked me to call him when I got a second. So when I left work I called him. He told me that he had something he needed to tell me, things he had been thinking about in our relationship... that he had wanted to tell me the previous weekend but wanted a little more time to think about it...and that he knew he should probably wait to tell me in person, but he just couldn't wait any longer to tell me that he loved me. Within the last month there are some things he has said/shared that definitely do not align with him feeling like things were not okay in our relationship... he asked if I would consider honeymooning in CA... we talked about if we had kids, that he would want at least two more... and I said having twins would take care of it, a one shot deal, and he disagreed...saying that if we had twins we would have to have another one... we talked about wanting kids to eat healthy and be active and I said I would hope to limit the unhealthy food in my house and he said, well, except for Dad's junk food cupboard, because he said he loved junk food and would need to keep a stash. He asked me if I was going to leave him another note when I left last weekend (I had been leaving notes for him each time I visited, hiding them in various locations.) I asked him if he wanted me to, and he said he did because he liked them very much... He bantered back and forth with my friends on facebook posts... took me to his place of work to show me where he works...I adored seeing him in his element... when we met inside a restaurant for dinner, he kissed me when he greeted me. He added me as his assistant coach on his fantasy baseball team...

I have sought a relationship for years… at the core of what I wanted was to build a friendship like the friendship my parents had as the base of their marriage… with a man whose height of character was more important to me than his stature.

Along came Matt. Never been married. Has a son. Full time, 42 year old associate degree student. Unemployed, At the time. Living in an apartment with four other men whose only common areas are the kitchen and bathroom, and whose floors were un-kept to the point where Matt asked me to wear flip flops if I was barefoot so my feet would not get dirty. Owner of a mini-van bought for him by his parents. Physically different than any other man I have dated, taller, less muscular, less sporty, and science minded…

Of course I didn’t know ALL of that on our first date… but what I did know was that my conversation with Matt made me smile. I liked that he was excited about having found an area to study about which he was passionate. He seemed to value things I valued… and I wanted to see him again. As we were dating, I found myself being more attracted to him because of who he was. He seemed comfortable in who he was, where he was at… He was honest… or seemed to be. He got a job for the weekends… and we were able to find time to see each other… I enjoyed that he could teach me things, that he was confident in his knowledge. And as we spent time together we built a friendship... he was becoming my best friend...

Our time together was playful, full of affection… including him coming up behind me as I did dishes in his sink, hugging me and kissing my neck. He imitated a mating dance we saw in a documentary about birds of paradise... He asked me to slow dance with him in his room as we listened to music.

I did not have walls up with Matt. For reasons I cannot explain, I just didn’t keep him at a safe distance. I jumped in… took a leap of faith… so unlike me. I trusted him… COMPLETELY.
Maybe that's what bit me in my BFA... See... there is another part of this... Since Matt and I began dating he had also been building a 'friendship' with another woman. I am a person who has had friendships with men over the years... stood up with my best friend Todd when he got married... Matt seemed to be above board with everything pertaining to her... told me that they were friends, asked me if I was okay with it... and I asked him if he was sure it was just a friendship, which he confirmed. At one point she invited him and his son to go to the circus with her and her niece... and he talked to me about it and we once again talked about the status of their friendship. I asked him, one night when we had gone for a late walk that had taken us to a bench by the water, if there was an attraction there. And he told me he was not attracted to her. I trusted him.

He had told me that before meeting me the two of them had gone out on a date and had both agreed they were not compatible.. she had tattoos and drank alcohol, sometimes in excess... that she didn't have the same values as someone he wanted a relationship with.
Ironically, the day after he told me he loved me, this woman posted something inappropriate on his fb wall...which by the way, was her first post on his page... about going to get a massage and that even though the massage therapist had worked up a sweat trying to get out her knots, it was not as great at the massage he had given to her the night before... My instincts were perhaps off... I did not immediately get angry at Matt for touching another woman... Maybe I should have...

Knowing him I figured he had probably rubbed her shoulders because she had told him they were tight... and I later learned, from her, that it was just an innocent shoulder rub. But her post had innuendo... and I believed purpose... I was offended because it was disrespectful to my relationship with Matt. It was also disrespectful to Matt... the way that she had written it... knowing that his friends and family who knew he was in a relationship would see... he asked her to take it down. I felt like we had hit a bump... because when he and I had talked about the post he shut down a little... but when I told him that I was upset at her and now didn't trust her, that it had nothing to do with my trust of him... he seemed to bounce back.

She emailed me apologizing... telling me how much Matt adored me, thanking me for allowing their friendship to go on because most women would not be okay with their boyfriends having a friendship with another woman. I wrote to her and said that I had previously been okay with their friendship, but that her post made me skeptical of things. I told her that I would continue to try to be okay with their friendship because of the trust I had for Matt. That was also the night she told him that she thought it had been too soon for him to tell me he loved me.
They continued their friendship... and recently he had shared with me that she had been dating someone.. but that she was frustrated... because this man would not have sex with her. Matt had told me that she never found men that treated her well. She texted him when we were together and he would respond... which looking back, should have bothered me...especially the night we had been watching a movie about a man who had been diagnosed with cancer... and at the end of the movie he was texting with her as I cried when one of the scenes struck a chord with me... once he realized I was crying he comforted me... but I suppose I should have been pissed about that... instead of trusting that he was just trying to be a good friend...

He saw her on Tuesday this week... and in one of our conversations referenced her as sex starved... and that was the conversation where we talked about how glad we were that we were so compatible...

I asked him if breaking up had anything to do with her... and he said no. I asked him if he was attracted to this other woman and his answer... was that she had told him when they had first met that he was not her type. (A very different story than he had told me about their friendship. ) I told him that he had not answered my question. He then admitted that he is attracted to her, but maintained that they are not compatible...

While still in shock...I asked him why he had done all the things in the last month he has done if he was not feeling the way he told me he was feeling... he said he was trying to teach himself to love me unconditionally... either you love someone or you don't. He basically said he had been playing the part this last month... OUCH.

He's a self proclaimed Christian. Did I mention that? I suppose it fits well here. He and I have talked about religion and I have been candid about my doubts as well as my willingness to learn about religion a bit more... and I also had shared with him that I admire people who are true to their faith, who live their faith... So... a self proclaimed Christian can choreograph and act in a disingenuous way? And he wonders why having faith is a challenge for people... hypocrite? yes.
So back to the weight thing... do I think that he broke up with me because of my weight? No. I think it was an excuse to which there is a bit of truth... but... you don't tell someone you love them if you are not attracted to them... and HE initiated ALL of the forward movements in our relationship. HE did...not me.. HIM... ALL of them...

Knowing what I know now...and having a few days to think... I guess I am thankful that it ended now... it would have hurt even more later. And... despite all of this... I do not think his actions have been malicious. I believe that he did have feelings for me, but that as he was dating me and spending time with this other woman... he was in over his head...

But there are some things that really hurt... if he was really trying to make it work.... he would have been very protective of our relationship. He should not have been exchanging innuendos with her which he had told me they did when they were joking around...Once her post upset me he should have set boundaries with her... at the very least when he and I were together he should have told her not to text. She knew we were together. She disrespected that. He should have also said... because I love this woman, meaning me, I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that and I do not want to see this other woman because if I am honest with myself, there is temptation there. So he did NOT work really hard to make us work... not at all...

I am angry at him because he opened up something I had come to accept... On date one, he asked me if I wanted children. HE asked ME. I told him that I was 35, that my answer at this point in my life was different than it would have been five years earlier. My answer then would have been absolutely, 100% yes, having kids is part of my plan… At 35, my answer was… I have always known that I would be an incredible mother, that I would love to be a Mom, but that at 35, my definition of that had changed. Whether being a step-parent, or an adoptive parent, or giving birth… would make me a Mom… and that I would love to have the opportunity to have a family, but that if that scenario wasn’t in the cards for me, I was in a place where I had accepted that. With him, through his conversations about marriage and kids... I saw it as a possibility... a pretty tangible one... and I feel like he has put me in a place where I need to once again set that aside. Yeah, I know it could still happen... but I am angry that he played me this last month while making me dream about the future, our future.

I am also angry because my instincts were so off here.. I have never thought that someone was THE one. Never. Until Matt. Throughout my adult life, when it has come to dating and relationships… I have had good experiences and bad ones… which does not make me unique. As a person, I have always had a tendency to keep people at arms length… I have always been most comfortable in situations where I get to be the strong person… strong for someone else… It has always been easier for me to let people lean on me than allowing myself to lean on others… which has not always translated well in my relationships. With Matt... I was so open, so honest... and when all this stuff came up with this other woman, I talked to him about it instead of letting it fester... So is the lesson here that opening up to people doesn't pay off? Is the lesson that my instincts are WAY off... He has made me feel foolish for believing in him, in us... I resent that. It will take a lot for me to trust someone again... A LOT.

I was a wreck Thursday night…and most of the day Friday. At school.. I went because I had a test scheduled and I knew I could get through the day without much interaction…one of the kids said to me, “I don’t want to be mean, but you look so sad, you look like you could cry at any moment…” I smiled at him and said, “It could happen.”

On my way to work Thursday I thought about Matt… and his supposed reasoning… and realized that this character I thought was so tall… isn’t. Let's say his excuse, the weight thing.. IS the dealbreaker... what will he do if the woman he married needs to have a mastectomy or two... what will he do if she has a condition that requires steroids that would cause weight gain.. what will he do if his wife was in a car accident and her beautiful face is disfigured... what would he do if he had a child with a disability or a child who was gay... Would he have to teach himself to unconditionally love that person? He is shallow.

And the next day... he erased me.. that's how it felt at least... took down pictures from facebook, un tagged himself in pictures on my page... it felt like he thought I was something he needed to get rid of as fast as possible... another slap in the face... I think he wants to feel less guilt.

I am proud of myself... despite the doubts I will carry with me about my instincts... I was a good partner in this relationship. On his birthday weekend, I met his son for the first time. I had taken a cake and had made several different colors of frosting... I had his son decorate his birthday cake for him as a surprise... His son's mother didn't even do anything for Matt or have their son do anything for Matt... I saw past the materialistic elements and saw him... I was me.. completely... whacky sense of humor and all...

I want to be able to do that again. And I am terrified that I won't be able to.

Next time... before I take that leap of faith.. I better see how deep the water is...