GRADUATION! I DID IT!

What a weekend... filled with so many emotions. I am extremely fortunate. I have such amazing people in my life... truly. I am so incredibly thankful. Writing my blog yesterday was helpful to me... to give the last five years a bit of a timeline, as all that has happened has caused things to be a bit blurred. It feels nice to feel like I have a handle on it... And, I admit, it made me recognize that I have gone through a lot... and while I have been able to say that part, pretty easily, for a long time... the piece that has not been as easy to articulate... is that I am proud... for surviving... for finding ways, strength, to keep going... I did not give up on this degree despite all that the universe found to put in my path.

I think in some ways, maybe this degree helped me through the last five years... maybe it gave me a way to use energy... maybe it gave me purpose... maybe it is what helped me refuse to give up...

Yesterday I was very excited... I left work early to go get my hair trimmed... I don't ever really cut my hair... it's too curly, and cutting any length off creates even more volume and texture... which I do not need... It was nice to go and pamper myself... the woman who does my hair enjoys blowing it out straight when she has time... she says it relaxes her, and it really relaxes me. Yesterday she offered to make it straight and I accepted her offer... though I was not sure if I would leave it straight for today or not... Mom loved my curls... She saw me with my hair straight a couple of times and she would tell me she liked it, that it was pretty, but that I looked more like me with it curly... today I went with curly... knowing Mom would have voted for that...

After getting my hair done yesterday I awaited the arrival of my sister, Dad, and Dad's girlfriend... which is when I found time to write my blog. It was nice to have that time to reflect... and to think about what today would hold in store... Everyone arrived in town around 6:30 and by 7:30 we were all out having dinner at one of my favorite places... It was nice to talk together... just spending time together... family... After spending a couple of hours at the restaurant Sis and I dropped Dad and Betty off at their hotel... and Dad gave me a bag of 'goodies' that he had brought from home... containing things from friends and family...

Sis and I headed to my apartment and chatted for a while... and I began opening the cards/gifts and quickly became overwhelmed and emotional... Betty gave me a nice card and a nice necklace, which I wore today... there was a little stuffed dog wearing a graduation cap signed by my dad, my aunts and uncles, and my grandmother...what a cool idea! There cards from family, cards from friends who I have known my whole life... all congratulating me for reaching this milestone and wishing me well... I got emotional looking at all of the cards...and with people's generosity... and when I got to the card with my Dad's handwriting on it... I started crying... without even looking inside... I knew from Dad's post on the family site that he has been thinking a lot about Mom, and about her not being here for this moment in my life... and I know how proud he is of me for doing this, for seeing it through... and just seeing a card from him... brought a lot of those emotions to the surface for me last night... His card was not one of those mushy cards, it was cute and he had written something simple inside... "Congratulations, you have worked very hard for this time in your life." And... it just made me melt...

I have always been lucky in that my family has never had difficulty in expressing our love for one another or our pride in each other's accomplishments... so having my father acknowledge my hard work is not a novelty... but it means so much... and knowing Mom would also be proud... also means so much...

So, this morning I got up early, around 6:15...showered then woke Sis up and she got ready... we ate breakfast and picked Dad and Betty up around 7:45... Graduation was scheduled to start at 9:00... but I wanted to be there early enough so that Dad would get a seat with plenty of legroom... As we were approaching the parking garage, I spotted my friend, Debbie... she waited for us to park and walked with us into the graduation arena. By the time we arrived at other graduates had already arrived... but it was not very crowded. We found a good spot that included ample leg room and I left them to locate the other people from my program...

My fellow graduates also receiving their Masters in Educational Leadership and I were gathered in a storage area of the building... where there happened to be a zamboni... which I have always wanted to drive... I sent a quick text to Sis asking if I should march or come out driving the zamboni! It was really nice to have familiar faces around me, other people who had also completed this program with me... a group of people who were brought together by our common interests... it was nice... one of my close friends, Melissa, also got her Masters degree today... and we were able to march and sit together...

After having help appropriately wearing my 'hood' I was ready to go. (A hood is a piece of fabric draped around one's neck and hangs over your shoulders and down your back. It signifies a masters degree.) We lined up and were led into the auditorium... which was PACKED! Wow... that was an amazing feeling, to walk out to that crowd... everyone there to support someone they know get a degree they have earned... There were 830 graduates... wow...

Some were there to get their bachelor's degree, while others were getting their doctorate, or, like me, were getting their masters... So. Many. People. I was glad I knew where my crew was sitting, it was fun to be able to see them as I was marching out. The beginning of the ceremony was pretty... boring... the star spangled banner, welcoming speeches by various university mucky mucks... and then one young woman, who was earning her bachelor's degree, spoke. Her speech was eloquent... She reflected on the first graduation she saw at this university. She had been twelve years old... when she got to see her father march across stage and earn his degree... And here it was nine or ten years later... and it was her turn to earn a degree... sadly, her father was not there to share in her happiness because he had died three years ago. Her speech acknowledged that for some graduates in that auditorium, there were people who were missing... and recognized their absence...

Melissa could not look at me during that speech (she told me later), and my sister sent me a text saying that the woman's speech had brought her and Dad to tears... I had told myself that there was "no crying in graduation..." like the line in A League of Their Own...'There's no crying in baseball.' And I managed to keep it together... though I did take a second to think about Mom, and what it would have been like had she been up there, sitting with my Dad and sister...
Next up was our commencement speaker, Linda Greenlaw. She is the captain of a commercial swordfishing boat. She is a best selling author... and was a great speaker. She was so herself... so down to earth. I loved that. She talked about one of her favorite expressions being "opportunity knocks." She made a good point... Having opportunity knock, means that it does not come in uninvited... that we must be able to say come in, or go away... I really like that...

My sister took a lot of pictures today and I am very grateful for that. I was able to really enjoy this process today... and it was nice to have some pictures to see what it looked like from another perspective. Thanks Lady!

This is me, getting my 'degree'... or I should say, my folder in which my degree will be kept once it arrives in the mail. Apparently this was part of the ceremony in which my dad got very emotional... I Love you, Dad...

After crossing the stage, I decided that I did not want to stay for the other 400 graduates... selfish? Maybe.. but I had done what I wanted to do, crossed the stage and decided to, instead of returning to my seat, leave. I had texted Sis ahead of time, telling her to meet me in the lobby after I bolted... Melissa came with me and it worked out really well. Sis, Dad, Betty, and Debbie were in the lobby, and when I gave them all hugs, Dad was still a little weepy and it got me a little emotional too...

When we got outside we saw this big sign...and decided to take some pictures. This one... with me kind of attacking the school's emblem... was completely me being silly... but now that I look at it, it makes me think that I attacked it... this degree... full force... yes I took breaks, because I needed to... but... I took on this challenge... and I kicked its ass! So take that, universe! You knocked me down... a few times... but... I got back up... and each time, I was stronger...even if I didn't think I was... I was.

This is a picture of me, my sister, my dad, and Betty. I must also take a minute here and thank Betty. She has come into our family... and she knows that had it not been for mom's death, her path in life would not have included my dad... I hope that came out right... what I mean is that she really seems to appreciate that Dad is in her life, cherishes him... and has also been very... open.. to me... offering to be a part of my life as well, but also allowing me to accept that offer at a pace at which I am comfortable. She is a sweet person, and her being here this weekend was nice. She told us that she was thankful that we would include her in this kind of family event... and also recognizes all we, as a family, not just me, have endured in the last five years... I love that she, in no way, is trying to be my mother, that she is in no way, trying to replace Mom in Dad's life. She recognizes that our family is as wonderful as it is, because of Mom and Dad and their love... and she does nothing to try to minimize that... Thank you Betty.

The next picture is me with my friend Debbie! She is such an amazing, beautiful person. I am so honored that she chose to come to see me graduate. She, I am sure, could have done many other things this morning, but she chose to get up EARLY and be there. Thanks Deb!

The rest of the pictures are just me... being happy to have officially graduated. When I knew that I would be completing this degree, I had

debated about marching at graduation or not. Dad encouraged me to march, reminding me I would be the first person in our family to earn a masters degree... Dad, thanks for that push... I think that this process, going to graduation, was therapeutic for me... and I think for all of us... I think that today marked my graduation, but like I said last night... also signifies that we have all survived the last several years...

Oh.. I love this picture... Me and Dad.. the word that comes to mind is... Happy. And that alone brings more tears to my eyes... happy tears... After graduation, Melissa and her husband had invited me to have a double graduation party at their house. They told me to invite people... and I did...Thank you to Dad, Betty, Sis, Debbie, Kris, Suellen, Cassie, Moe, Sara, Phil, and Maria for helping me celebrate today. When Dad and Betty left the barbecue, I walked them out to Dad's truck... and when I hugged Dad, he again got all weepy... causing me to tear up too... What a big heart he has... I am so lucky to have him as my father... and to have had my mom be my mom... I can't even describe how much that means... me, at a loss for words? Yes...

So here I am... 36 years old... five years after I started the program... finished... degree earned... with a 3.875 GPA... all of those papers... those late nights... those books that were read, articles scrutinized... the hours and hours spent trying to move forward... during a time in my life where I felt so very stuck... when I had so little control over what was happening in the peripheral of my life... here I am ... feeling accomplished... I am proud of myself... and grateful...