Bowling, The elliptical, and the tolls...oh.. and winter boots!

I forget that other people don't have vacation when I am on vacation.. so this week... has felt like the weekend... Here are some random things... 

Since getting back from the lake...letting myself decompress... I have been enjoying things.  I got to see Sal on Thursday.  After a short shift at the tolls I met up with him for an evening of fun.  We went to the bowling alley (Big Balls Bowling!) we had gone to in October when he was here (where I kicked his butt!) and had hoped to bowl, but there was a two hour wait for an alley.  So we walked up to a beautiful restaurant and had some food and drinks.  It was a lot of fun to just sit with him.  He knows me so well and we can go from one topic to another so easily.  We really appreciate each other and the relationship we have developed over the years.  I haven't shared much about him here, but he pops up on the blog from time to time... We laugh a lot together... and I feel so safe with him, always have.  It doesn't matter if we are in Portland or in NYC, I trust him always... After a couple of hours we decided to walk back to the bowling alley and there was a lane available.  So we bowled... and I beat him.  I grew up with the little ball bowling and one would think I would do better with that... but I don't.  I do pretty well with the bigger balls... getting a couple of strings that were over 120... I beat him... badly... in the first two stings... on which we had placed a wager.. and he begged for a double or nothing third string... and he lost, again... we had rented the lane for an hour and with some time remaining he asked for a fourth round.  In the fifth or sixth frame I had gotten two strikes in a row... and as our lane was about to be shut down I left asking the bowling lane guy to let us finish our string and he agreed... I came back to a smiling Sal... who was so proud of himself... for taking my turn... giving me two gutter balls!  I told him I would offer to take his turn in return for him taking mine, but I didn't want to improve his score!  A night of laughter was very welcomed!  Thank you Sal! 

I have also been slowly getting back into the gym..and did 40 minutes on the elliptical today... I am looking forward to getting into the gym and getting healthier! Jill and Michael... I am putting you on notice... I am going to harass you to get your butts moving! Granted we are many miles apart, but... no reason we can't keep each other going!  

And for my New Year's Eve... well hold on because the level of excitement is really high..... my plans this year include working the tolls until 8:00 p.m. then... then I am coming home and am going to watch Water for Elephants.  Perhaps that sounds sad to some, but I am actually very much looking forward to it.  I appreciated other offers to go out, but, really want to just come home and relax.  Don't be jealous!  

Oh.. and winter boots.. You may find this hard to believe... given the fact that I live in Maine, have lived in Maine my whole life... I have not had a pair of winter boots, real winter boots... for YEARS... probably since being an adult.  I have had hiking boot-type shoes/sneakers that I have counted as my winter shoes... why would a person who hates winter have boots that would be required for being outside? Well last winter when I would go outside to clean off the truck, I admit, my ankles got a little cold... and sometimes wet from the snow melting... and I had resorted to wearing socks that I would tuck my jeans into when I had to go out in the snow... Well.. this year I decided to get some winter boots.. to try to help motivate myself to be outside more... I had bought a pair at Kohls in early December, but when I brought them home I hated them... so I took them back... and have been searching for something I could tolerate... I like the idea of the boots that are rubbery on the bottom and leather on top... the classic LLBean Boot... but I hate the way they feel... While visiting Dad and Betty I looked online...wanted something that was practical...without being too glommy... (a word I use when I mean big and makes me feel like I have clown shoes on!) So I found these: http://www.llbean.com/is-viewers/dhtml/images/spacer.gif

They are not super stylish.. but I like that I can wear a coupe of pairs of socks and will be able to walk around outside, in the snow... in them... and I don't feel like they make my feet look even bigger... so practical and not terribly ugly!  I am hoping these boots will inspire me to be outside more this winter... next I need to get a good winter hat... I have one that one of my students had knit for me, but am thinking more along the lines of this: 

Taken this summer on a trip to Cabela's... I think it is rabbit fur though... poor bunny... but I think that hat would be warm!!!  

Winter... be forewarned... you will NOT kick my ass this year... I am ready for you! 

End of 2011

I just got home from the gym and am having a hard time typing because miss Lucy had decided it is time to cuddle.  My cats have all been very cuddly since I got back from Christmas, very cute...and at times inconvenient.

So for those who know me will not be surprised that I am reflecting on 2011.. me? Thinking, analyzing? Of course.

A lot happened in 2011... Perhaps the highlight was earning my masers degree and graduating.  Yahoo!  Graduation was back in May and I am still adjusting to not taking classes.  It is strange for me to not have to be out a coupe of nights a week and to not have to be writing papers.  I am still very much seeking a new job and hope that 2012 will bring a new job for me.

Other things that stand out in my mind... 2011 is the year my grandmother, on my dad's side, died...an amazing woman who I cherish...  the year one of my best friends, Debbie, was faced with the biggest battle of her life, breast cancer... which she is battling well!  She is AMAZING and much stronger than she gives herself credit for... It was the year I accepted my first marriage proposal... well not to get married, but to perform a wedding.  Suellen and her fiance will be married in May of 2012 and I will be there as their officiant!  2011 marked the second anniversary of Mom's death and our third Christmas without her... we welcomed Betty into our lives, what a wonderful gift she has been! Dad is selling his house and now lives with Betty at the lake, the beautiful lake... Mom would approve...

In 2011 I was afraid that PVNS had returned, but am happy to report that it isn't and there is a good chance that after my next MRI, that I can stop having MRIs looking for it!  (I would love that!)  It's also the year I faced another fear and  returned to the dentist after a very long hiatus... too long... but am not up to date and have a healthy smile. It's the year where I let my walls down with a man and fell in love, fell hard... and knowing what I know now, am grateful, very grateful we broke up. And while I admit that hurt me and makes me very cautious to trust someone else in a new relationship... also taught me to be who I am and to let myself love and be loved... something I was afraid, after losing Mom, I would not let myself do... In 2011 I gave myself permission to be happy... that even when grieving it is okay to be happy... and yes, I am still grieving...

In February I lost Tess, the first cat I had as an adult... she was a great feline friend...

 2011 was filled with friendships, old and new.  I got to see Jill and her family... I got to see Rico in Boston...I got to spend time with my friends here, got to see Maria grow and be healthy and celebrate her first birthday... and I got to make a new FRIEND, Michael, whose friendship has become something I not only adore, but depend on...

In 2011 I also got to spend time with Sal... someone who has been in my life, well in and out of my life, for twelve years... I am grateful for him, for the time we share, and for his... adoration... friendship ...playfulness...and competitive nature... .He helps me be in the moment, enjoy life, and appreciate things... He makes me feel beautiful and smart and funny... and I appreciate what we have and no longer long for what we don't...it is what it is, my Mom would say... and I no longer have the need to define it!

2011 was a year of teaching amazing students, connecting with adolescents who inspire me to be better, to do better... and of whom I am so proud... a year in which I confronted teachers who needed to be confronted...2011 has given me the confidence and the desire  to move forward in my career...

It was also a year of questioning religion and faith... attending church in a couple of different places... the year where I have found myself wanting to believe in something greater... but am still not convinced that traditional religion is where I will find that... For me... I feel closest to whatever that power is... while kayaking...

Kayaking was a big part of 2011 for me... I started in late April I think... and was able to kayak through November 20th... that's almost 8 months of kayaking!  That is a record for me.  And I got some amazing pictures... spent time with beautiful nature... plants and animals...I went to so many new places, including salt water marshes/rivers...  I got to share my passion for kayaking with others and also got to truly enjoy the solitude of being out in my kayak solo...

2011... A pretty good year overall... I am very excited to see what 2012 holds for me and for my friends and family.  I look forward to new experiences while holding onto and appreciating things form the past... I wish the same for all of you!

Ironically, as I was blogging here last night I had received an email from a friend of mine... asking how my Christmas was... her email said, I bet it is all surreal still, for you...

Surreal.. is a good word for it.  I wrote back to her and said that it was a good visit, but that it was hard too explaining that it felt like another slap of reality, if that made sense... her response, somehow was so validating... she wrote: Absolutely makes sense. I can just imagine looking around and thinking - whose life is this and who are these people... this isn't what 'my' Christmas looks like.... 'My Christmas'... that's a good way to put it... obviously I knew the people I was with, but yes, looking at things and trying to make it make sense... and having it all be new... was a lot.  I feel foolish, to be honest, that I had not prepared myself for it all...

I also sent an email to Todd last night... apologizing for not stopping to see him and explaining a bit of where my head was at... his response... he knew my excuses of being worried about the roads and the rain were not truly the reasons for me not coming to see him..... (Sometimes I am way more transparent than I think I am...)  He didn't say much... offered a quote he likes and then said... Get some vitamin D...

Vitamin D... that's the second time someone had mentioned Vitamin D in recent days.  Last Friday when visiting my aunts, Dad's sisters, they had talked about taking it, as instructed by their doctors.  Both had been told they had a vitamin D deficit and were on a pretty high dosage... one had taken prescription strength for a while to get her levels up, and now takes over the counter stuff...

I did a little research today on vitamin D... it enables our bones to absorb calcium... that seems important... it is the vitamin we get from being out in the sun... also seems important... I do not do well in darker months... although I am happy that the days are now getting longer and there are 82 days and a few hours until spring... Vitamin D also helps prevent heart disease and has shown to help reduce risk of certain kinds of cancer in both men and women...

I hate taking medicine... of any kind.  I often suffer with a headache to let it go away instead of taking something... so... not wanting to just start taking something I called my doctor... to see if she would recommend it... and... she does... told me to start taking 1000 I.U.s (International Units) a day... So... I went to Target, bought some, and took my first one today... I also did a little facebook research... posted that I was thinking about taking it and asked if other people had taken it... several people responded, writing about its benefits and said they feel it has made a difference in their mood and energy...

So... we'll see... if I become a vitamin D believer or not...

On a separate note... Michael... you are a very perceptive man...for whom I am grateful... which once again makes me think my whole thinking people don't know what is going on in my head... is wrong... perhaps some of my walls are not as thick as I think... or maybe I am shaving them down a bit... either way... Thank you.

Swirling

I hope that this isn't too hard to follow... 

This picture kind of shows where my thoughts are... swirling... but also represents a variety of colors for the mood of the thoughts... most are warm, shades of red which in my head are about love and appreciation...gratitude... but there are some cooler colors there too, the greens and the darker colors... adding contrast... where thoughts about lonliness...sadness... and there is movement in this painting... making your eyes move from one to the other... and without the contrast of colors we would not be able to see and appreciate them... 

(Image from the artist: Nightmare on zazzle.com)

Which... reminds me of The Conversations with God book I reference from time to time... when asked why we have pain, 'God' responds that you need to know pain so that you know the absence of pain... you must know hot so that you can also know cold... we have to experience opposites in order to truly experience them.  

Today I was supposed to see one, possibly two friends from high school on my way home.  I was supposed to check in with one woman, Jaime, to see if her schedule had an empty spot, room for a meeting at a coffee shop or something... then I was supposed to meet Todd at his home around 3:30.  This would have meant staying at the lake today until 1:00 or 1:30... and would have involved leaving Todd's house, probably around 6 or 7 then driving about three hours home.. in the dark, on roads I am not familiar with... and possible rain... which could turn to ice.  I found myself coming up with a lot of excuses about why I didn't want to go, to make the extra effort to see him... It wasn't that I don't want to see him, I do.  I miss him.  But as usual with me.. there is more to the story... 

I did not meet either Jaime or Todd.  I decided this morning, after getting up, that I really wanted to just get home.  I wanted to get home at a time where I could just settle in, get cozy with the kitties.  

I am a person who likes... no.. it is more than likes... needs... I am a person who needs alone time.  I am a thinker.  And need time to just be alone with my thoughts and be... perhaps that contributes to my single-ness...but that's another topic... 

The time at the lake was wonderful.... and if you are sensing a 'but' in there... there really isn't one... yet... there are some things that are in there... added to the mix that got me emotional a few times while I was there... including when I left today.  I got teary when leaving, saying good-bye to Dad.  I did NOT want to get emotional in front of him. I am okay, doing well, quite well, actually, in my life.  And I am happy... for the most part... and I don't want him to think that me being emotional takes away from that... don't want him to worry... even though I know as my Dad, he does...and will... forever... but... I guess it's a game we have played in recent years... playing the role of being okay and being strong.. we are both strong and are both okay... but both have our moments too.  

Before Christmas I hadn't thought that much about what Christmas would be like this year.  I mean I had decided to go north to be with Dad and Betty instead of heading out to see Sis and the boys... but... that was about as far as I had gotten.  I had asked Dad what the game plan would be for Christmas and he wasn't too sure.  Were we going to church Christmas Eve? He wasn't sure.  Were we staying at the house on Christmas Day? He wasn't sure.  Not because he hadn't tried to find out.... I think that things just operate differently in different families.  Betty's family is great and operates in a way that things just get done  without a whole lot of talk about it... I mean... Betty and Jacey know what their traditions are, what to expect, but didn't necessarily offer a plan/schedule to us.  I have realized that in our family, growing up, Mom and Dad were very much about having a plan, scheduling things ahead of time, and all the players knew what the plan was.  And I have learned to not make assumptions.  Christmas Eve Day was really relaxed.  Betty stayed in her pajamas into the early afternoon as she was doing things around the house.  Jacey, too, was pretty relaxed and was in no rush to get ready for the day, showering etc.  I assumed that Christmas morning would be similar. I had heard that Jacey's grandmother would be joining us for the opening of presents.  (She, by the way, was my high school Civics teacher when I was a freshman, and I remember her as a very stern woman. It was nice to see a much different side of her on Christmas morning)   I figured that on Christmas morning we would wake up, have breakfast, laze around, open presents, then I had heard that we would be going to Betty's parents' house, but was not sure what time.  When I asked about when we were going to be there was told that there was no schedule, that people showed up when they did and it was all good. So when Betty came downstairs Christmas morning already dressed, I was surprised.  It wasn't really said that people should be showered and dressed by the time Jacey's grandmother arrived, but there was a story told about how one Christmas she showed up and would not be in pictures with people in their pajamas... from which I got the idea that Christmas morning involved being dressed before opening presents.  (Being the pleaser that I am, I have the need to state here that none of this is a criticism... and hope it is not taken as such...)  No big deal... I took a shower and got ready... and we had breakfast and started opening stockings as Jacey's grandmother arrived. We all sat together, opening gifts and it was very nice.  Betty and Jacey put a lot of thought into the gifts they bought for us.  Christmas is Jacey's favorite holiday and she loves being a Christmas Elf. ...I have so much respect for her.  Her family, not unlike mine, was dealt an unfair hand.  While her father is still in her life, the picture is not at all what she would hope for.  She works hard balancing her role within her family, both sides of her family.  She works hard to be who both sides want and need her to be.  She is a great daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc... and she does it gracefully.  I am not sure I would be able to do that dance so well.... The gifts were fun to open.  I think one of my my favorites was a gift set from my Aunt Donna who gave me brownie mixes and an "As Seen on TV" brownie pan... knowing of the incentive program I do with my kiddos at school.  She is so thoughtful.   My other favorite is gift from Betty... a bag... that I LOVE.  

No need to explain why I love it so much!  It's PERFECT! 

I have to say that I feel very fortunate that in my family Christmas has never really been about spending a lot of money on people.  It is about gifts that have meaning behind them...I didn't know quite what to get for Betty and Jacey this year, but I think it was okay... I feel like they definitely did more for me than I did for them, but know that it isn't about that... but again, it all being new... I hope everyone is on the same page with that... I feel like everyone is... 

After opening gifts we packed up to head to Betty's parents house.  I decided to take my truck, not sure how long I would want to stay.  I was surprised as I was driving I started to cry.  There was nothing that triggered it.. it just happened... and I suddenly missed my mom like crazy.  Which does not in any way, take away from the love I feel at the lake... but... I just miss her.  I spent a lot of the drive trying to stop myself from crying... would have felt like an ass showing up to Betty's family gathering with red puffy eyes... and making people wonder what was wrong with me... and did not want to tarnish the day.  I opened my window a little letting in the bitter cold air... to help, and it did.  I managed to calm down, de-redden my eyes, and stop the tears in time to get to Betty's parents house.  People there were great.  It is kind of like our Thanksgiving, a big crowd where people bring things to share.  It was nice to see people whose names I have heard Betty talk about.  Jacey, I could tell, was thrilled to be with her cousins, they seem to have a cool bond.  After most everybody was there, except Betty's brother who was still an hour away, Christmas dinner commenced... Following dinner, there was the annual Yankee swap... (Something I did not know was part of the plan, and therefore had not brought a gift... Betty had brought gifts for Dad and I to participate, but I felt like a bit of a moocher... I could have, had I known, brought a gift.)  I was number 11, meaning I got to see 10 other gifts opened and decide if I wanted any of those or whether I wanted to open a new one... the previous ten people all played nice..opening a new gift instead of taking a gift from someone else.  Well... I saw a gift I liked... a digital picture frame... and decided I would be a rebel and actually swap as part of the yankee swap... I ended up being able to keep it, nobody took it from me.  (Although technically it should be Betty's I suppose, since it was her gift that got me a ticket into the yankee swap to begin with...)  After the yankee swap the next part of their tradition was about to get underway, the younger kids get to open presents.  (They do not participate in the Yankee Swap, they get presents specifically for them.)  Feeling a bit overwhelmed... I think partly because I had not had any time alone since getting to the lake and now being around 20 people I didn't know...I decided to bail, head to the lake to have a bit of time alone.  

I needed it.  I sat in Dad's recliner... and just kind of let myself be emotional... missing Mom... just wishing that things were different... and feeling guilty for that on some level... because I feel that wishing that we hadn't gone through what we went through, losing Mom... is kind of disrespectful to Betty and Jacey who have truly welcomed us into their lives.  And while I couldn't put my finger on it that day... I have since realized that there was something about the day... that was like another slap in the face of reality... the reality that life has moved on.  Again, not a bad thing at all, but... just another reminder that life is not what I would have anticipated... I have accepted that as fact, but there are things... that just when I feel like I have a handle on things... comes and jumps in front of me and I have to figure out how to either avoid them or hit them and figure them out...truth is Christmas is hard... I know that holidays are hard for people, especially when people have lost loved ones... but I figured that things would be ok.. or not dramatically different when it came to traditions and routines... like putting up decorations, a tree, etc... The truth is... The last four Christmases.. have been hard, really hard.  2008 we were at the hospital.  2009 Mom was gone...and to be honest... I can't remember that Christmas... I think I went to Dad's... and we went to Christmas Eve services at church... then Christmas Day we went to his sister's, Aunt Donna's, for lunch and that was that... 2010, Dad and I decided to go to NY to see Sis and the boys.  I think we did want to be with them, but I know, for me, I just didn't want to be in the house... for another Christmas without Mom... I think we were both avoiding her absence... even though Dad had started seeing Betty... we just didn't want to be 'home' for Christmas... It was nice that Sis and her family welcomed us out there... but it was hectic and I felt unsettled...unplugged... 

So this year... was kind of like facing the fact that Christmases keep coming... and that it is something NEW...that we have not faced before... this Christmas could be the beginning of our new Christmas routine... of our new 'normal' for Christmas...not a bad thing... just another dose of reality... New is not bad... it is different... and there was part of this Christmas... for which I had no responsibility... no need to plan or coordinate.. I just had to follow... tag along... I suppose... which I appreciate having people to tag along with... but... also there is a part of me that doesn't want to be a tag along... feel like a burden in some way... but maybe that is another element... of wanting a relationship, someone to spend my holidays with... Dad is Betty's boyfriend, so it makes sense to me that he be a part of her Christmas... and I know I am welcome, I know that without question... but there is that third wheel element... not sure quite where I fit at Christmas.  Again, that is not to make Betty or Dad feel bad.. it's just something new... that I need to .. chew on for a while... adjust to it... not knowing what to expect... I think is part of this... and now knowing what it looks like, what it is like...would be easier next time... 

I have known, since all my knee stuff, that I am a person who has a lot of anxiety.  About some things, my anxiety is very apparent and I recognize it within myself... but there are other things that I am unaware of until they hit me and then I have to think and figure out why that anxiety is present.  I think I had a lot of anxiety before Christmas... looking back on last week... there were signs there, that I attributed to other things... 

So with all this swirling in my head... I just kind of needed to get home... just wanted some time to be quiet... 

It was a good Christmas.  I loved being at the lake... it is so beautiful there.  I found myself watching the light change as the sun rose and set.. drawn outside to take pictures... I loved being with Dad, seeing him smile and laugh...  spending time with Betty and Jacey was great...and seeing their connection was beautiful.  I am excited to return... hoping to take my nephews up there in February to go ice fishing for a few days during school vacation.  I am really looking forward to it.  My angst has nothing to do with being there or with Betty or Jacey... it is not about them... it's just about me..about losing Mom...about letting the colors swirl around each other... and perhaps now that I know how things work... I can be less passive... and start painting with those colors.... if that makes sense...

Just some more pictures...

This Picture was taken on Christmas Eve... Apparently Dad and Betty forgot that when the light on my camera timer flashes lie crazy it's time to smile and not look like you are about to go to prison! 

 

Jacey has been cat-sitting for one of her friends.  This is Little Kitty... She looks a bit like my cats, Lucy & Sheldon, but she is a bit more independent.  (I like having a cat around!)

This is Dad being a goober.  He is a funny guy... acting all shy in front of the camera.  I really like this picture though.. I see Jack, my middle nephew in there somewhere..

Mrs. Clause was busy making a stocking for Jacey's grandmother.  

She whipped that stocking up in no time. 

Self portrait... Me & Jacey...

Christmas is Jacey's favorite time of year... this is the tree...

Sparkly snow...  taken Christmas Morning... the sun came up and it was beautiful...

Then it got all cloudy and snowed ALL day... and it too was beautiful...

We spent the morning at the house, opening presents.  Jacey's grandmother and uncle came by and it was a nice time.  Then we went to Betty's parents' house for their big family gathering. It was nice, they have a lot of fun.  It was nice to be included. 

Today is for relaxing!  yay!  No plans... just going to stay put, I think... and enjoy the day. 

Missing You...

I miss your hugs...

I miss your laugh...

I miss you...

Christmas Eve at The Lake...

It was a beautiful day at the lake today.  I sat inside watching Betty and Dad do some cooking... Throughout the day I was drawn to be outside to take some pictures.  It really is beautiful here.  

I like the texture in this picture, not sure if you can see it, but when it is larger, I really like that I can see the bumps in the ice... 

I like this one... the way the ice meets the rock.  

Charlie Brown's tree... 

It has been a peaceful day.  Calm.  Relaxing.  

We are going to have Dad's homemade spaghetti sauce for dinner with some spaghetti... although some have been known to just eat the sauce... then off to church and home to wait for the big man in the red suit.  

Hope you are all finding peace this holiday.  

A White Christmas

Apparently the way to make it snow in Maine is for me to make travel plans.  

I woke up this morning to a coupe of inches of snow on the ground and encasing the trees.  

I admit it.  It was pretty. 

I got up, packed up my truck, and hit the road.  The roads were much better than the pre-Thanksgiving Day drive.  In fact I had left early to account for the weather, thinking I would still get to my Aunt Donna's house  around noon time for lunch.  Well... because the roads were good I got there about 11:30.  I had a great visit with her and my Aunt Sharon.  We visited for about 4 hours!  It was WONDERFUL!  Thanks to Donna for being the always gracious hostess, to Sharon for venturing out in the snow, and to both of them for feeding me!  

I got to the lake around 4:30 and visited for a bit and spent the evening with some of my parents old friends.  It was nice.  It feels good to be here and I am looking forward to relaxing.  Here are some pictures I took at a rest area along the way.  

(Remember... my winter goal is to find beauty in the winter... through my camera... )  

Dumb Jock?

So... today was an interesting day.  One of the kids in my homeroom had a rough day.  He's the boy who I have described before.  He is a bigger kid for his age and is a football player.  His reputation precedes him... when I was given the list of who would be in my homeroom this year, several teachers chuckled telling me, "Good luck with that kid!"  Can he be a pain? Yes.  Do I get frustrated with him? Yup.  But... he has a huge heart.  He wants so badly to fit in, to belong, to be good at something.... which is why I think he loves football so much.  He is good at it, his team and coaches depend on him and I believe he likes knowing people believe in him, trust him... I will be the first to say, well maybe the second, because he would be the first to say, that he could do better in classes, work wise and behavior wise.  He processes things a little slowly so if a teacher is talking and a classmate says something that is kind of funny, he reacts later than others do and sometimes teachers interpret that as being disrespectful.  He is also loud, one of those people who doesn't mean to be loud, but is.. So a lot of people see him as this:  

Even when he walks into a classroom... 

I see This:  

A kid.  A kid in big kid clothing... acting tough.  

He has cried with me twice this year.  (Today was the second time.)  

The first time was when one of his teachers told him that it was obvious he didn't care about his grades, that he made no effort, and that he wanted to fail the class.  Yes, a teacher said that to a student.  (Not surprisingly, one of the teachers who I confronted after the whole showing the Jungle Book on 9-11!)  This kid came to me and told me about this. Together he and I wrote an email to that teacher.  (I wanted documentation and wanted the kid to feel empowered.)  The email said that he was upset by the conversation had that day, that he does care about his grades but that sometimes in class he isn't sure what the teacher is talking about because it doesn't seem to be what the readings are about.  He said he knows he can be loud but that he doesn't mean to be.  he told the teacher he didn't mean to be disrespectful, but that he really doesn't understand at times whether or not the teacher is being serious or not, citing the fact that when asked a question the teacher shakes his head yes and says no, or shakes his head no and says yes... (which I have seen the teacher do)... He asked at the end (with a lot of coaching, because he wanted to give up, asking me what the point was)  what he could do to improve his performance in that class, asked for some tips on strategies to use. Oh, and I had the student copy the email to me.   Did the teacher respond to this student?  Of course not, which is what I expected.  However we did get a response.  The teacher's wife, the other teacher I confronted back in September, came marching into my room and told me that she hoped I was not falling for this student's 'little act.'  She said if the kid spent as much time doing his homework as he did writing the email he should be passing his class.  That his language arts grade (her subject) should also be higher.  I stopped her in her tracks when I told her I had sat with him to construct the email, that I encouraged him to email the teacher... "Well," she said, " I just don't want you to fall for his act.  He is not trying, he is disruptive in class.  He doesn't want to do well, he wants to be the class clown."  I responded, "Well, he has been pretty upset about it, and I think he does want to do well."  

How does this kid have a chance in either of their classes? Even if he makes an effort, even if he studies, will they recognize it? Nope.  Proof: He got his highest test score of the year in his social studies class last week, very much passing, which will also make his grade go up so that he is passing for the quarter.  Did he get any recognition? Nope.  Any gesture of reinforcement? Nope.  

OK.. fast forward to today.  He attends a class that is located next to my classroom.  In that classroom the teacher is a yeller... every day she yells at various people, but often I hear her yelling the name of this particular student.  This is his second year with her, getting help in a specific subject (He is not in special education, by the way.)  and last year she would yell at him as well.  I have had some concerns about her classes for a while because there seems to be a lot of yelling and not a lot of teaching.  Even when it is quiet in there when I stop in, kids are not engaged in the subject for which they are in that class.  

Sidebar: I have involved him in my incentive program and have encouraged him to talk with his teachers about what his goals are each week... the other day I asked him to go ask this teacher a question.  As soon as he walked in, without saying anything, she told him to get our of her room.  He told her (And I could hear the conversation) that I had asked him to ask her a question. She told him to ask his question quickly and then get out of her room.  

Well today, in her classes, there was not much going on.  It is the last week before vacation and we are all guilty of being a bit lax... all day I had heard her tell kids that they would have a study period today.. and not long after being in that class I heard the name of this student being yelled.  As the class ended for lunch, (This class reconvenes after lunch)  the teacher opens up the door between our classrooms holding up a detention slip as if it was a badge of honor, with a big smile, and said, I gave our buddy a detention, he just went too far.  I was responding to some emails and didn't even look up.. not sure what to say.  Then headed downstairs to see if I could find this kid.  I found him.  In the office.  He was sitting in a chair waiting for the asst. principal.  I asked if he was okay and his eyes filled with tears.  I asked him if he wanted to talk and he shook his head no and covered his face with his hands.   At that moment the Asst. Principal came out and asked him into her office.  I asked if I could come along as his homeroom teacher/advisor.  The asst. principal asked him if he wanted to tell me what had happened... and he looked at me and started crying harder, saying he couldn't tell me right then... She told the student what the teacher had said.  He was in trouble for calling a girl stupid.  He started crying harder... the kind of crying I do.. hyperventalating crying while trying to talk.  He said that he did call her stupid, but it was after she had told him that he should get detention in a scene he described as... difficult.  He had done something that the teacher did not like and the teacher threatened him with detention and opened it up for discussion, whether other kids thought he deserved it.  And other kids voiced their opinions.  If a student deserves a detention, give him/her a detention.  Do NOT open it up for class input.  Classrooms are supposed to be safe places for kids, and yes, in my mind, safe means knowing where the lines are and knowing there are consequences when those lines are crossed... But.. it is not safe allowing kids to turn on each other especially when the teacher is directing that emotion.  

During the conversation with the assistant principal I tried to not throw the teacher under the bus, but wanted to support the student who has talked to me about that class and his frustration with it.  And he knows, and I shared today in front of the asst. principal, that I know he can do better, behaviorally, that I see him in homeroom getting out of control at times and having to give him consequences... but... I also said that I think there could be a conversation between this student and the teacher about the need for a clean slate.  

I am not a wishy washy kind of a teacher.  I have high expectations for the kids, especially behaviorally.  the kids know it.  But I am fair.  (like today.. kids working on an assignment on their computers wanted to listen to music at the same time... and I said that in order to have the use of their headphones they had to sing a Christmas song for every ten minutes they wanted to use the headphones.. That's fair!  Not to mention entertaining!) 

Bottom line, I have concerns about the intervention program this teacher is running.  There is little structure in a class that needs it.  There is little remediation happening.  Kids are supposed to be there for 6-8 weeks to get a high dose of a specific skill then return back to the regular setting... I have yet to see any kid in there return to the regular setting.  The kids in her class remain there... all year.  This kid, this is his second year.  

After talking with this student's parents, they opted to take him out of the class  (Which is an option because it is not required...)  citing the personality conflict that has existed with this teacher.  The question then became, where will this kid go during that period?  (It is offered at a time in the day where there are electives happening, gifted & talented services are offered,  or special ed. services, or other interventions,... so he had been going ot his regular math class, then getting an additional period of math each day... so without the extra  math period where does he go?)  The best thing for him, will happen.  He will be in the classroom of his math teacher.  (Who has also had some HUGE concerns about the class this student had been in and has expressed that to me many times.)  So I think this will be a good change for him.  

I worry though, that the message he will receive will be: when a situation gets hard, you get out of the situation, instead of working through it.  That being said... I think it is the right decision.  I think he needs to be in a different environment.  

In 8th grade, they are big kids.... some teachers focus on the big part... and I still focus on the kid part... just the way I see it.  

I am my father's daughter...

Throughout my life I think people have thought I was a lot like my mom.. and I would agree with that... but I am also a lot like my dad... perhaps in quieter ways.. but I recognize them...and yes, appreciate that... he's a pretty amazing person..... emulating both of my parents is a pretty good habit.. at least I think so... I am lucky like that... 

After work today we had a staff party, off campus.. which is teacher code for a party where alcohol will be served.  Last night we had our staff party at school... also fun, but less... 'spirited!' Anyway... One of the women I work with struck up a conversation with me... I think it stems from some recent conversations at lunch... remembering past Christmases... where I have mentioned Mom... so tonight at the staff party, kind of out of the blue, she asked me if Mom had really been gone for over two years... she said it was hard for her to believe that two years had passed... I told her it will be three years in April... (kind of funny how people say that about the age of their children and the amount of elapsed time since someone has died... he will be four in April.. or is will be three years in April since she passed....)  She asked me if the holidays were extra hard... Of course they are.  Why wouldn't they be? And why would she ask a question like that.  We got into an interesting conversation... as it turns out she is beginning to face the reality that her 80 something year old parents are mortal... she got emotional talking about how they have failed.. how her dad now walks like an old man... she said it is really hard watching them deteriorate like that... and I think it was her way of telling me that she kind of understood some of what I had gone through with Mom... I appreciate that... and having a chance to talk about my mom, her gifts, her love for her family... was nice.  This woman asked me if Mom had been a teacher... and I smiled... not professionally, I said.  She was an amazing teacher... of many subjects.  She told me that she thinks that Mom would be proud of me, that knowing all I do there is no doubt Mom would be proud.  I appreciate that.  She then told me that she feels like I have made a huge difference in our school.  I was taken aback a bit... she went into detail and I was very humbled... she told me that I am a leader... that I do things in a way that people respect... that I confront things that need confronting, but do it in a way that is not intimidating, or critical of people.. she said I am critical of how people behave or what people do, but never in a way that puts people down or makes them feel unvalued. Wow.  She told me that she attributes the positive changes that have happened in our building in recent years to me.  I was very humbled... and she again told me that Mom would be proud... very sweet... 

Then.. in talking to some other people at the party, I got a terrible idea... Portland had a special night tonight... stores were staying open late and serving wine to people who had purchased a $5 glass at a local hotel... A few people at work were getting friends together to go down for the evening.  I thought about the Old Port (what we call the downtown area of Portland)  and thought of a little store there that usually has really cute earrings... and I had been thinking that getting some earrings for Jacey would be a good Christmas present... so.. in my infinite stupidity, decided to drive into Portland and find some earrings... The streets were decorated with many lights and people were wandering around, wine glasses in hand... I didn't think it would be that hard to find the store, find the earrings, and leave.  Well.. I circled the Old Port for about 30 minutes (I would have parked in a parking garage, but the rack I have on my truck to transport the kayaks has a couple of things on it that make my truck a little too tall to access all of the parking garages.. and I did not want to deal with taking them off... so I circled... and circled... and circled...and circled... ) before deciding to illegally park in a bank parking lot that is reserved for customers only... but it was sooo close to the store I wanted to go to I couldn't refuse the opportunity.  In my head I said, easy in , easy out.  Not so much.  I walked into the store and to my surprise there were two of the store.. yes.. two.. across the street from one another.  From the street they appeared to have similar items.. so I went into one and looked around.. it was crowded... people in there shopping were not actually shopping, but standing around talking sipping their wine... 'excuse me... pardon me... excuse me... '  ugh... after not finding any earrings that matched what I had in mind for Jacey I asked what the other store had that this one didn't and was told there was more jewelry.. perfect.  So I crossed the street... and entered the store again...well.. the other half of the same store..... and there were a lot more earrings... but... also more people... and I suddenly felt like the room was getting smaller and the people were getting drunker and wider, harder to maneuver around... and decided that the earrings were just not going to get purchased...and left... practically running... (okay not running, but I am pretty sure my expression was one in which my eyebrows were raised and eyes wide appearing as if I was moving quite fast... )  I was happy to get back in my truck, relieved... and decided that I would have to figure out another option.  I know of a second location of this store that would be easier to access I suspect... maybe this weekend...  My dad (and his dad) hates crowds, hates shopping, ... and is not a fan of the city... I like the city... I just like it when I am not there trying to buy earrings from a store that has too many people present... Dad says, when he comes to visit... that there's not enough... air... in the city... that he can't get out and walk around and get some air like he can at home... well... tonight, in Portland, I realized pretty quickly that I was, in that moment, my father's daughter... without a doubt.  I could not get out of there fast enough!  

So on my way home, as if I had not had enough shopping... decided to stop at a store (where the parking lot was fairly empty) to see if they had any sweaters.  I need some sweaters for the winter.  (I assume I will need them, anyway.. though these mild temperatures are making me wonder!) I was happy to hit a sale.. buy one item and get the second 60% off... in the entire store.  I found two long sleeve shirts that I will wear under sweaters, two sweaters, and a bath robe which was half off its original price... and by the time I got to the counter in my head I knew about what I should be paying.  So... the girl enters things into the computer... and the total comes up... about $50 OVER what I expected.  I told her that was not correct and she asked if I wanted her to ring things up again.  Well, Einstein, what do you think? I just told you that was about $50 bucks more than I expected to pay.  YES, I want you to re-enter them.  This time.. the total was about $35 more than I expected.  And I said.. I still don't think that is right.  I asked for a paper and pencil.  (Luckily it was not a busy store and I was not annoying other customers with my stubborn streak.)  I wrote out the original cost of each item, then showed what the prices would be with the discounts...and added them up.  the woman furrowed her brow and said... hmmm.. and she got out a calculator... and agreed with me, that I was correct... and somehow I ended up paying what I had expected to pay, plus sales tax.  It made me wonder how many people, especially in the holiday chaos, just swipe a card and pay whatever the total amounts to... without knowing if they are paying too much.  I was not one of those people.. at least not today!  

Oh... and I bought some materials to make an ugly sweater... Next Thursday we are having an Ugly Sweater Day at school... and since I am a fashionista (HA!) don't have any ugly clothing in my possession... so.. I bought supplies to make one... from the dollar store!  Yes... this should be good!  

Stay tuned! 

The ponds are freezing...

Denial.  That's what I have been in... about this whole winter thing.  Here in the northeast our winter has not officially started, but in my head, winter (which I define as the yucky part of the year I have to get through.)  starts when I can no longer kayak... so... this year, it started in late November.  But.. with the mild weather we have had, except for the two snow storms (Halloween & Thanksgiving) our temps have not been bad.  And yes, I am thankful for that . This week however, has been a bit chillier... and things are starting to change... on my way to work two of the houses I pass have ponds in front of them.  I had been enjoying those ponds, one especially, which often reflected the sun and some turkeys that often cross that property.  Yesterday I noticed that there was only one area of the pond that was reflecting... because the rest has grown cloudy with ice... a think layer, yes...but ice.  I try to remind myself of my goal this winter, so see the beauty in winter this year... but there was part of me that wanted to throw something through the ice to free the water below... hmph...

Change happens... ready or not.

Anyway...
In a recent email a friend of mine, a regular blog reader, pointed out that the high value I place on my family is quite high... he's right.  Family is very important to me.  But I am sure that comes as no surprise.  Last week I got to make a closer connection with one of my cousins ans his wife.  One of my cousins, Mike, and his wife, Heidi, stayed at my apartment last Wednesday.  Mike has been having back issues and had been scheduled for surgery on Thursday.  Mike and I are in the same generation in our family tree, but never really knew each other.  He is about ten years older than I am and growing up, I was the baby of the family.  My sister and I kind of hung out with each other at family events because there was enough of an age difference with our other cousins that our interests were different.  I suppose facebook has helped that a bit.  Heidi is on facebook and we have been friends on there for a while.  She is a sweetheart.  It has been nice to connect with her beyond our annual Thanksgiving gathering.  When she mentioned Mike's surgery was going to be down here (they live over 2 hours away)  I offered my apartment as a place for them to stay before the surgery and after if needed.  Part of me thought that they wouldn't accept my offer, but they did!  They got here Wednesday night and the three of us stayed up talking for quite a while.  It was really nice.  I took Thursday off from work... couldn't stand the idea of Heidi being in a waiting room, alone, all day, while Mike was in surgery.  Waiting rooms are just awful places and I have been fortunate that when I have had to be in one, I have not been alone.  We got up early, about 4:30 a.m., and had to be at the hospital by 6:00... I am glad to report that Mike's surgery went well.  They were able to head to their home the day after surgery and he continues to do well.
Then on Saturday I got together with Jacey, Dad's girlfriend's daughter... who introduced me to someone she knew as her step-sister.... which is much easier than saying Dad's girlfriend's daughter... which is hard to follow and also kind of says that Jacey and I don't have a relationship to each other... which we do.  I am not sure I am ready to call her my sister... but... I think it will come.  I am glad she is comfortable with that... I will be.  We got together to hang out, but also because I wanted to give her a key to my place.  She had a bad accident last winter, driving in bad weather, and she is very nervous to drive in the snow now.  She goes to college about 15 minutes from my house, but she lives about 40 minutes away (in good weather) with roommates who go to another college.  I don't want her to have to travel that far when she is so nervous.  So I gave her a key and hope she comes and goes as she wants... if she knows bad weather is a brewin' she could come the night before.  It would be fun for us to get more time together too.
I am looking forward to Christmas... spending it with Dad, Betty, and Jacey... and probably some of Betty'Jacey's family too.  I am not heading out to spend it with my sister and the boys this year... which feels weird... and I will miss seeing their excitement at the magic of the holiday...but think it makes sense for this year, at least, to head north.  I will spend a few days up there and hope to see some friends from high school while up there, including Todd.  I look forward to that.  Then I will come home and hopefully see friends here and also get some hours on the tolls.  (I worked last weekend, Saturday for 5 hours and then accepted an 8 hour shift for Sunday.... I am tired!)
I guess that's about it for now... I have been thinking about writing on here for a few days, had some ideas, but now that I am here I am drawing a blank!

Tis the Season?

This is a slate roofing shingle, hand painted with much detail by Mom... At the top of the list, if you look closely, you can kind of see that it looks like the name starts with a K... Kimberlee...

I haven't decorated for Christmas since..well... I guess since 2007... since I moved into this apartment...Christmas 2008... Mom was in the hospital... Christmas 2009, she was gone... and 2010...well.. I just wasn't feeling the whole decorating thing...  However, I have, each year, hung this slate.

My Mom, one year for Christmas, painted a few of these and gave them to some of my close friends... today,  my friend Kris, sent me a text message.. a picture.. of her Santa slate, that she hung today as part of her decorating.  She said she loves hanging it every year and, blaming it on her hormones, shared that she got a little teary putting it up... well... I decided to put mine up too... and  have been tearing up since...

There are so many things in my life to be happy about... other than work, my stress level is pretty low... so sitting here crying seems somewhat dramatic I suppose... but... I miss her...

Betty calls the way things are now... Plan B... not exactly how we all anticipated things to be, but given that things are not as we had anticipated and probably hoped... Plan B is a good place to be... True.  Very very true.  But... I still mourn the loss of Plan A... That does not take anything away from my happiness about Betty and Jacey being in our lives or us being in theirs... it just means it still hurts.

I love having pieces of Mom to hang up, to see, to cherish... but it makes me miss her even more.

The Farm

I had a great morning!  I met up with one of my coworkers and went to the farm of one of our students.  She talks a lot about her farm and she knows soooo much about it.  It really is like knowing a different language in some respects.  This student and her family welcomed us to their farm today, and I feel fortunate that they would do that.  Our student took us around and introduced us to her animals.  She shows her steers (male bovines are not called cows!) at the agricultural farms in the area.  This brown and white one is part of a team that she shows.  This guy was pretty friendly... 

I was happy to meet this guy, but WHOA... no licking!  (Notice no top teeth!  I learned that today that cows do not have top teeth!)  

This is a three generation picture.  Curly haired (or is it fur?) cows... Very cute.  Did you know that if a set of twins is born that the females are sterile? 

This one looked like a panda! 

I learned that before showing the animals, our student has to sand down the horns to make them softer.  

This is her second set of steers that she shows.  She has to teach them to obey her commands and go through an obstacle course while pulling a cart.  

These ducks were LOUD today.  Cute! 

This is one of the new baby cows that got us to come to the farm.  Our student has been sharing with us that she had gotten new cows and had shown me some pictures.  This one is drinking milk!  

GOATS!  This one in the front is a head butter... the one in the back is a little more relaxed, but when let out of the pen to wander, the little one in the back stands up on its back legs, putting its front legs on your leg to get some attention.  They were also loud! 

This is my coworker, Deb..(Not college friend Deb)  She pat the cow after it had just drank its milk and it wiped its face on her shirt.  She was thrilled! 

Since the cows are still very young they have an instinct to suckle.  So they suck on fingers and follow you around when doing so, very cute....

Very cute unless you are not expecting it!  The baby cow tried to suck on Deb's hand and she freaked out a little and kept her hands up for a while! 

This is one of her other new baby cows ..oops...steers... (she got 4)  The flash made his eyes look funny, but oooh so cute! 

To see my student in this setting... where she flourishes is so cool.  Reading is so hard for her and makes things stressful...seeing her here, at her home, working her farm.... was beautiful.  

The ducks got into the barn and our student told us that they make a bed mess in there, so I went in and chased them out.  They did not appreciate that! First time I have ever chased ducks! 

Seeing a baby cow on a leash was adorable.  She is working on teaching them commands.  

What a great day!  I am very thankful to have connected with this student and got to meet her family today.  She is the student who has been reading the books I scoured amazon.com to find.  Her mom mentioned how much she is enjoying the book and is looking forward to the others... Today made me think more about the people in our communities who work so hard to make their living.  It also makes me remember the importance of buying local.  I bought some maple syrup from her family today. BUY LOCAL!