Swirling

I hope that this isn't too hard to follow... 

This picture kind of shows where my thoughts are... swirling... but also represents a variety of colors for the mood of the thoughts... most are warm, shades of red which in my head are about love and appreciation...gratitude... but there are some cooler colors there too, the greens and the darker colors... adding contrast... where thoughts about lonliness...sadness... and there is movement in this painting... making your eyes move from one to the other... and without the contrast of colors we would not be able to see and appreciate them... 

(Image from the artist: Nightmare on zazzle.com)

Which... reminds me of The Conversations with God book I reference from time to time... when asked why we have pain, 'God' responds that you need to know pain so that you know the absence of pain... you must know hot so that you can also know cold... we have to experience opposites in order to truly experience them.  

Today I was supposed to see one, possibly two friends from high school on my way home.  I was supposed to check in with one woman, Jaime, to see if her schedule had an empty spot, room for a meeting at a coffee shop or something... then I was supposed to meet Todd at his home around 3:30.  This would have meant staying at the lake today until 1:00 or 1:30... and would have involved leaving Todd's house, probably around 6 or 7 then driving about three hours home.. in the dark, on roads I am not familiar with... and possible rain... which could turn to ice.  I found myself coming up with a lot of excuses about why I didn't want to go, to make the extra effort to see him... It wasn't that I don't want to see him, I do.  I miss him.  But as usual with me.. there is more to the story... 

I did not meet either Jaime or Todd.  I decided this morning, after getting up, that I really wanted to just get home.  I wanted to get home at a time where I could just settle in, get cozy with the kitties.  

I am a person who likes... no.. it is more than likes... needs... I am a person who needs alone time.  I am a thinker.  And need time to just be alone with my thoughts and be... perhaps that contributes to my single-ness...but that's another topic... 

The time at the lake was wonderful.... and if you are sensing a 'but' in there... there really isn't one... yet... there are some things that are in there... added to the mix that got me emotional a few times while I was there... including when I left today.  I got teary when leaving, saying good-bye to Dad.  I did NOT want to get emotional in front of him. I am okay, doing well, quite well, actually, in my life.  And I am happy... for the most part... and I don't want him to think that me being emotional takes away from that... don't want him to worry... even though I know as my Dad, he does...and will... forever... but... I guess it's a game we have played in recent years... playing the role of being okay and being strong.. we are both strong and are both okay... but both have our moments too.  

Before Christmas I hadn't thought that much about what Christmas would be like this year.  I mean I had decided to go north to be with Dad and Betty instead of heading out to see Sis and the boys... but... that was about as far as I had gotten.  I had asked Dad what the game plan would be for Christmas and he wasn't too sure.  Were we going to church Christmas Eve? He wasn't sure.  Were we staying at the house on Christmas Day? He wasn't sure.  Not because he hadn't tried to find out.... I think that things just operate differently in different families.  Betty's family is great and operates in a way that things just get done  without a whole lot of talk about it... I mean... Betty and Jacey know what their traditions are, what to expect, but didn't necessarily offer a plan/schedule to us.  I have realized that in our family, growing up, Mom and Dad were very much about having a plan, scheduling things ahead of time, and all the players knew what the plan was.  And I have learned to not make assumptions.  Christmas Eve Day was really relaxed.  Betty stayed in her pajamas into the early afternoon as she was doing things around the house.  Jacey, too, was pretty relaxed and was in no rush to get ready for the day, showering etc.  I assumed that Christmas morning would be similar. I had heard that Jacey's grandmother would be joining us for the opening of presents.  (She, by the way, was my high school Civics teacher when I was a freshman, and I remember her as a very stern woman. It was nice to see a much different side of her on Christmas morning)   I figured that on Christmas morning we would wake up, have breakfast, laze around, open presents, then I had heard that we would be going to Betty's parents' house, but was not sure what time.  When I asked about when we were going to be there was told that there was no schedule, that people showed up when they did and it was all good. So when Betty came downstairs Christmas morning already dressed, I was surprised.  It wasn't really said that people should be showered and dressed by the time Jacey's grandmother arrived, but there was a story told about how one Christmas she showed up and would not be in pictures with people in their pajamas... from which I got the idea that Christmas morning involved being dressed before opening presents.  (Being the pleaser that I am, I have the need to state here that none of this is a criticism... and hope it is not taken as such...)  No big deal... I took a shower and got ready... and we had breakfast and started opening stockings as Jacey's grandmother arrived. We all sat together, opening gifts and it was very nice.  Betty and Jacey put a lot of thought into the gifts they bought for us.  Christmas is Jacey's favorite holiday and she loves being a Christmas Elf. ...I have so much respect for her.  Her family, not unlike mine, was dealt an unfair hand.  While her father is still in her life, the picture is not at all what she would hope for.  She works hard balancing her role within her family, both sides of her family.  She works hard to be who both sides want and need her to be.  She is a great daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc... and she does it gracefully.  I am not sure I would be able to do that dance so well.... The gifts were fun to open.  I think one of my my favorites was a gift set from my Aunt Donna who gave me brownie mixes and an "As Seen on TV" brownie pan... knowing of the incentive program I do with my kiddos at school.  She is so thoughtful.   My other favorite is gift from Betty... a bag... that I LOVE.  

No need to explain why I love it so much!  It's PERFECT! 

I have to say that I feel very fortunate that in my family Christmas has never really been about spending a lot of money on people.  It is about gifts that have meaning behind them...I didn't know quite what to get for Betty and Jacey this year, but I think it was okay... I feel like they definitely did more for me than I did for them, but know that it isn't about that... but again, it all being new... I hope everyone is on the same page with that... I feel like everyone is... 

After opening gifts we packed up to head to Betty's parents house.  I decided to take my truck, not sure how long I would want to stay.  I was surprised as I was driving I started to cry.  There was nothing that triggered it.. it just happened... and I suddenly missed my mom like crazy.  Which does not in any way, take away from the love I feel at the lake... but... I just miss her.  I spent a lot of the drive trying to stop myself from crying... would have felt like an ass showing up to Betty's family gathering with red puffy eyes... and making people wonder what was wrong with me... and did not want to tarnish the day.  I opened my window a little letting in the bitter cold air... to help, and it did.  I managed to calm down, de-redden my eyes, and stop the tears in time to get to Betty's parents house.  People there were great.  It is kind of like our Thanksgiving, a big crowd where people bring things to share.  It was nice to see people whose names I have heard Betty talk about.  Jacey, I could tell, was thrilled to be with her cousins, they seem to have a cool bond.  After most everybody was there, except Betty's brother who was still an hour away, Christmas dinner commenced... Following dinner, there was the annual Yankee swap... (Something I did not know was part of the plan, and therefore had not brought a gift... Betty had brought gifts for Dad and I to participate, but I felt like a bit of a moocher... I could have, had I known, brought a gift.)  I was number 11, meaning I got to see 10 other gifts opened and decide if I wanted any of those or whether I wanted to open a new one... the previous ten people all played nice..opening a new gift instead of taking a gift from someone else.  Well... I saw a gift I liked... a digital picture frame... and decided I would be a rebel and actually swap as part of the yankee swap... I ended up being able to keep it, nobody took it from me.  (Although technically it should be Betty's I suppose, since it was her gift that got me a ticket into the yankee swap to begin with...)  After the yankee swap the next part of their tradition was about to get underway, the younger kids get to open presents.  (They do not participate in the Yankee Swap, they get presents specifically for them.)  Feeling a bit overwhelmed... I think partly because I had not had any time alone since getting to the lake and now being around 20 people I didn't know...I decided to bail, head to the lake to have a bit of time alone.  

I needed it.  I sat in Dad's recliner... and just kind of let myself be emotional... missing Mom... just wishing that things were different... and feeling guilty for that on some level... because I feel that wishing that we hadn't gone through what we went through, losing Mom... is kind of disrespectful to Betty and Jacey who have truly welcomed us into their lives.  And while I couldn't put my finger on it that day... I have since realized that there was something about the day... that was like another slap in the face of reality... the reality that life has moved on.  Again, not a bad thing at all, but... just another reminder that life is not what I would have anticipated... I have accepted that as fact, but there are things... that just when I feel like I have a handle on things... comes and jumps in front of me and I have to figure out how to either avoid them or hit them and figure them out...truth is Christmas is hard... I know that holidays are hard for people, especially when people have lost loved ones... but I figured that things would be ok.. or not dramatically different when it came to traditions and routines... like putting up decorations, a tree, etc... The truth is... The last four Christmases.. have been hard, really hard.  2008 we were at the hospital.  2009 Mom was gone...and to be honest... I can't remember that Christmas... I think I went to Dad's... and we went to Christmas Eve services at church... then Christmas Day we went to his sister's, Aunt Donna's, for lunch and that was that... 2010, Dad and I decided to go to NY to see Sis and the boys.  I think we did want to be with them, but I know, for me, I just didn't want to be in the house... for another Christmas without Mom... I think we were both avoiding her absence... even though Dad had started seeing Betty... we just didn't want to be 'home' for Christmas... It was nice that Sis and her family welcomed us out there... but it was hectic and I felt unsettled...unplugged... 

So this year... was kind of like facing the fact that Christmases keep coming... and that it is something NEW...that we have not faced before... this Christmas could be the beginning of our new Christmas routine... of our new 'normal' for Christmas...not a bad thing... just another dose of reality... New is not bad... it is different... and there was part of this Christmas... for which I had no responsibility... no need to plan or coordinate.. I just had to follow... tag along... I suppose... which I appreciate having people to tag along with... but... also there is a part of me that doesn't want to be a tag along... feel like a burden in some way... but maybe that is another element... of wanting a relationship, someone to spend my holidays with... Dad is Betty's boyfriend, so it makes sense to me that he be a part of her Christmas... and I know I am welcome, I know that without question... but there is that third wheel element... not sure quite where I fit at Christmas.  Again, that is not to make Betty or Dad feel bad.. it's just something new... that I need to .. chew on for a while... adjust to it... not knowing what to expect... I think is part of this... and now knowing what it looks like, what it is like...would be easier next time... 

I have known, since all my knee stuff, that I am a person who has a lot of anxiety.  About some things, my anxiety is very apparent and I recognize it within myself... but there are other things that I am unaware of until they hit me and then I have to think and figure out why that anxiety is present.  I think I had a lot of anxiety before Christmas... looking back on last week... there were signs there, that I attributed to other things... 

So with all this swirling in my head... I just kind of needed to get home... just wanted some time to be quiet... 

It was a good Christmas.  I loved being at the lake... it is so beautiful there.  I found myself watching the light change as the sun rose and set.. drawn outside to take pictures... I loved being with Dad, seeing him smile and laugh...  spending time with Betty and Jacey was great...and seeing their connection was beautiful.  I am excited to return... hoping to take my nephews up there in February to go ice fishing for a few days during school vacation.  I am really looking forward to it.  My angst has nothing to do with being there or with Betty or Jacey... it is not about them... it's just about me..about losing Mom...about letting the colors swirl around each other... and perhaps now that I know how things work... I can be less passive... and start painting with those colors.... if that makes sense...