$5 Fun...

Oh my gosh my friends... In the past I have mentioned another blog...a bit more famous... Ross's blog. (There is a link on my page to it.) I hadn't been there in a while and today was a GREAT day to return. There are 2 videos that made me laugh out loud... mostly because the dynamic between Ross and his friend Nikki...reminds me of me and Sara at times... just silly...and others may not get us...but we have so much fun we don't care... So please, watch these... they are awesome... but be forewarned... I am not responsible for any jingles getting stuck in your head!

Video #1 link: Click Here

Video Link #2: Click HERE This one takes a little more time to get into...but I love it. It totally brightened my day.

Not that my day needed brightening, but... it did.... Today was a pretty good day. My knee was pretty stiff today... I am blaming it on the elliptical machine from Sunday. I did go to the gym last night but did not do much... 15 minutes on the bike...10 minutes on the treadmill... ok 10 minutes is kind of a big deal...it is the longest I have been on it all at once. But... tomorrow I will head back to the gym and will do my longer workout...including lunges...

I want to say hello to Norben again...he sent me an email. I was very excited. I had not heard from him in a while, and am glad to know he is doing ok.

It still amazes me how much of an impact this condition has on people... daily...moment to moment... Today I cried at work... not from sadness...but one of my supervisors and I had a few minutes to talk and she asked me how my knee was doing... I was telling her about how good I was feeling and hopeful.. and out of nowhere the tears started... and A.) I felt stupid... but 2.) I realized how much different I feel now than I did a year ago... even though I am not fully recovered from surgery... Last year at this time I was really struggling...more than many people know...I tried to hide it, but I was too exhausted to hide it and people figured it out. Last year at this time I had already missed several days of work...some for my gram's surgery, but most because of my knee and my mood. I have not shared this with my bloggers, but feel like I can share it now... and it is a part of this condition, so I want to share it. I have thought about it a lot...before deciding to put this information on here...

About a year ago I went to the doctor to get some help. Life was not good. Every day was painful. On top of the pain I was emotionally drained...scared that the rest of my life was going to be painful, that I would have to exist...not live, but exist...feeling like that...I had days where getting out of bed was not an option...because I didn't want to move if I awoke with less pain than usual... but also because I was depressed. I wasn't finding things enjoyable that I usually loved. Spending time with my friends felt obligatory...not fun. It meant I had to leave my apartment, go down some stairs, get into my truck, drive, get out of my truck and walk into someone's house... sometimes I had to take ice with me... Because of my knee I couldn't do some things...like walk around town barhopping with friends...because it hurt... I ordered out a lot...from places that delivered because shopping was hard...and standing to cook was harder... so ordering pizza was very common...along with other places that delivered...Of course I didn't order from the same pizza place more than once a week... I rotated... Then came the anxiety... As an overthinker... I thought...about what other people must be thinking about me... thinking what's the big deal.. you have a sore knee...get over it....she has put a lot of her weight back on... if she would lose it she would feel better... she's a slacker...missing work...skipping work.... drama queen... so.. there were days when depression wasn't as pronounced as my anxiety. As I drove to work, the closer I got, the more anxious I became. There were times I pulled over and talked to myself...tried to talk myself into going to work...telling myself it would be ok... I would try again... sometimes it worked...other times I would make it to the parking lot, sit in my truck, look at my school... and could not get out of my truck... and had to leave... had to go home and get in bed and pull the blankets over my head. So I went to my doctor and started taking medication for anxiety and depression. It was soooooooo hard to make that appointment...hard to go to that appt. (I must say that making the appointment was not originally my idea... some of my coworkers with whom I feel close...got together and kind of did an intervention...which basically meant one of them drew the short straw and had to talk to me and tell me that I wasn't hiding my sadness as well as I thought I was...) Prior to the appt. I had made a lost of stressors I had experienced in the previous couple of years... knee stress, family stress, personal stress, job stress... and my doctor was great... basically had one question... why are you just coming in now for meds.. with this list, you should have come a while ago...

The idea of going on meds...being on meds... is hard for me. I felt that it had a huge stigma with it. Thought that it meant I was weak... that I couldn't handle my life. That I wasn't able to be normal...that my life was pretty easy compared to others....so what did I have to complain about... but the meds do help...when I take them. I stopped taking it after my surgery... partly because I thought I was on enough other medication... and partly because I wanted to see how I was feeling, without worrying if my emotions were being dulled... (which I never thought was happening with the meds.) So when fall started coming I had a decision to make... to start meds again or not...there is that part of me that says I don't need them...even though I know winter is a tough time for me with all the darkness...I have not yet come to peace with a decision about it right now... but I am going to take them through the winter and revisit it in the spring. I feel like I can handle life right now. But... I also know I still have stress...the worrying about the recurrence of PVNS...trying to recover, to do PT without setbacks... still mourning the loss of my grandmother...and other things that seem to go round and round in my head. I think that at this point the meds are a bit of a crutch...but I am not yet willing to give that up...and I know... truly know deep in my soul, that chemically my brain has been on the fritz because of overload...and that the meds are making that chemical piece come back again...

So why share this here? In this forum? Why put it out there when people I love will see it and worry about me? Because... it is a part of this condition.. I truly, truly believe that... and if I don't share it, I am not being completely honest with others who may be experiencing it. What if there is one person out there who is suffering with PVNS, depression, and/or anxiety and is feeling like that isn't normal... or on top of the PVNS they are crazy or ridiculous for feeling so down?? I HAVE to let that person know that they are not alone and I do understand. More than that... I feel like it is a part of this condition... a big part...but one that is not talked about. I truly think that only those who know chronic pain can understand it...

Am I worried that some people will think differently of me? A little... People are overmedicted in our society... but... it is a part of this experience. I am not necessarily proud of this...but I am not ashamed... The process of recovery is a big one... and it goes way beyond my scars.... but I am healing...slowly...and steadily. I am getting healthy...holistically...not just physically.

Whoa.. how did a blog about Ross's blog get so deep? Because my fingers apparently wanted a workout tonight.

Seriously....visit the videos from Ross's blog... if you don't smile at least once... well... you should make an appt. with your doctor and let them know that your funny bone is broken!