It arrives...

I thought since I had been keeping myself busy this week... that the arrival of April 18th would not hit so hard as it may otherwise... and maybe watching the show Private Practice in which a boy lost his mother to cancer was not a good idea... but last night... as midnight approached... I was not sleepy.. I was anxious... and my mind started returning to three years ago... the day Mom died.

My dad said it well... three years......so fresh.....and so long... yup.  Given where things are in life... I feel lucky... Three years ago, when Mom died I watched my father's heart break.... into so many pieces I never thought it could be repaired... and while I cannot speak for him, I know Dad's heart still misses mom and even though he is happy, wishes it hadn't happened as it did... which of course does not in any way, take away from how wonderful Betty and Jacey are and how lucky we are to have them as part of our family....

Three years ago... on this day, Mom stopped communicating with us in any way... the morphine was keeping her comfortable... and Dad, Sis, and I were all with her... she died around 11:00 p.m.... the moment when our lives were changed forever...

I wish there were some amazing epiphanies that have happened since then, to make this all make sense... but there haven't been... I wish there was a way for us to feel less unsettled, less anger towards cancer... but there isn't.  As Mom used to say, "It is what it is...."

So on a day where I knew I would be feeling low key, I was scheduled for a dentist's appointment.  Joy. When I was in middle school my friend's brother used to treat us pretty badly.  If we were playing in her room he would set mousetraps outside the door to try to trick us to step on them... or throw them at us... and one day he threw rocks at us while we were outside... we were running away from him and I looked back to see where he was... just as I turned a rock shattered my front tooth... so... over the years I have had to have it rebuilt twice before now... And since I have been going back to the dentist I have been wanting to get it fixed again as it was cracked in the back... and causing some discoloration... In addition I had a tiny cavity in between two of my other front teeth.  So... this meant that that I needed novacaine in the front of my mouth... leaving me feeling like someone wearing one of those tiny cat masks that people sometimes wear on their noses... felt like my nose and upper lip was sticking out.  Part way through the process I started being able to feel things on my left side and so they gave me more novacaine... After the appointment I thought I could go to the gym and work out... I didn't realize how much I breathe during a workout... and my nose kind of felt like it does when I have a bad cold and one side of my nose is all stuffed up... I kept trying to sniff a bit to make it feel better but that nostril wasn't cooperating... and when I was trying to drink from my water bottle I misjudged my lips a couple times and hit myself in the teeth.. and decided I was done... I was not even halfway done with the new routine... oh well..

Tonight I am heading out of town to visit Meg.. she needs help painting her landlord's living room... while she is house-sitting for them... I am sure we will have some laughs in between brush strokes...

Three years... life is so different...