A Day of Mixed Emotions...

I can't remember what I have shared here about a woman named Pam who works with me... she is my assistant and is amazing.  This is the first year that we have worked together so closely, but I have known her for a few years.  I first met her when she worked as a substitute and was often in my room.  One day when she was subbing the phone rang and it was the office... her husband had been in an accident... had a seizure while driving... and fortunately his passenger was able to get the car safely off the road... they learned that the seizure was the result of a brain tumor... cancer... fortunately they were able to resect the tumor and he was  in remission for just over a year... when the second tumor showed up... Again he had surgery and again was considered to be in remission... and has had ongoing treatments... a few weeks ago his MRI showed that it was back... this time in two places... and the local doctors who had done the previous two surgeries said they could not operate... and sent him to Boston to see if he would qualify for a clinical trial of sorts... well.. in Boston the doctors there determined that they could operate, if it was soon, because the tumor was growing... but also said that they would not do another surgery... so basically this surgery will extend his life... and most likely within a year it will be back... and Pam and her husband have hope that within that time another option may be developed... they have faced so much... and they have a lot of faith in God, quite religious... and well.. you know my feelings on that... So... on Monday they found out that surgery would be Friday, THIS Friday... so I reached out to the staff at our building and within two days we raised a very generous amount of money for Pam and her husband... to be used for hotel rooms, gas, food, medications, whatever they need... She was so overwhelmed by the gift... I was overwhelmed too, by people's generosity... one of those moments where you see real good in the world... real good...
I went to the store to buy a card to put the money in...sounds like an easy task.. right? Well... not so much... I didn't want to get a card that said 'Get Well'... because had I received a card like that when Mom was sick, when she faced her second surgery and we knew it was probably not going to work... those 'get well' rainbows and smiling kitty cats would have been shoved someplace where the sun didn't shine... because a card like that felt like people were in denial about what was really going on... and I had no room in my all too real reality for denial... And while I am soooo hopeful and optimistic that the surgery goes well and believe that it will... it's a surgery to prolong his life, not to save it... sounds harsh when I put it that way I suppose... but... Pam knows this... and she knows I know this... and to put any kind of daisies and rainbows on a card that says get well would seem ... fake... empty... without integrity... and I just couldn't do it... So after several minutes of reading cards... which, by the way, Hallmark does not make a card perfect for these kind of moments... I bought a blank one... yes it has smiley faces on it... which may seem close to rainbows and butterflies... but ... I was able to write my own message inside...
Giving her that card... with the money from our staff... was a hard moment for me.. knowing how much it would alleviate some of the logistical stressors for them... and that helpless feeling of knowing that no matter how much money was in that envelope... it wasn't enough to 'fix' things...
and my heart just hurt... for her and for her husband.. knowing how scary the next 48 hours are going to be...and I know that somewhere in her prayers, and probably his... maybe more so his... there will be some bargaining/negotiating with god... about... taking his life now vs. later if it's going to get really bad... which... inevitably it will... if the doctors predictions are right and science doesn't come through within a year... As hard as it would be to lose him now, at the surgery... would it be better? easier? than watching him become someone so far from the man she married?  I am so scared for her... that brain cancer will not just kill him, but will change him dramatically...
And of course... it makes things with Mom come even closer to the surface... this is the month when we lost her, three years ago... and I would be lying if I said I have not lost sleep over it lately... A friend who had lost her mom told me that grief was like the ocean.. always there, always moving... and some days the waves were bigger than others... and the waves have grown a bit this week... so far I am staying afloat... but have given into their rhythms a bit...

So Universe... You gave my family some sunshine and rainbows recently with Betty, things there are good... and I am grateful... and... I'm not sure what to hope for when it comes to Pam and her husband... but... I ask that they find peace... in some way... one day at a time...