It only took four months...

Back in the day kids who were mad at teachers or other school officials would scrawl things across bathroom stalls... while there are still things written, in poor taste, in the stalls in the restrooms, it is uncommon... kids have transitioned to facebook, twitter, tumblr, and a few other social networks.  They post anything and everything that comes to mind... I figured that I would be written about on facebook or that a picture would be posted... and knew it was a matter of time... truth is, I am surprised it took this long..  About two weeks ago I heard that there was a picture of me on facebook... posted by one of the students in my school.  I heard that it was taken from an angle that shows my backside (including my BFA!)  and shows me talking with another teacher who of course happens to be very petite... the picture was taken and posted to obviously show the size difference between us.  As often happens with facebook, people make comments about the picture and other people can 'share' the picture, which means they re-post it and open it up for even more comments... My curiousity got the better of me and I asked our school resource officer, who is 'friends' on facebook with many of our students and 'polices' some of the activity there, if he had seen the picture.  He said he had, but hadn't brought it to my attention because at that point lines hadn't really been crossed... but I asked to see it... and other than my BFA I didn't worry too much about the picture... but as I kept track of it I began to get... uncomfortable... wondering if I should address it... if addressing it would give the kids more ammunition... and thought on it for a while... the person who posted the original picture didn't get many comments, but the person who had reposted it was getting a lot of comments and comments that were disrespectful... and I decided I would put the word out that I knew about the picture... so...last Friday I approached the girl who originally posted it and, in front of her friends said to her, "Hey, next time you take a picture of me to post on facebook, ask me to pose first."  I was calculated in this approach... knowing that calling her out in front of her friends, many of whom had seen the picture but had refrained from commenting (which says something  given their histories with me), would make her feel awkward and would make her feel guilty.  I also didn't want to directly tell her to take it down because knowing her, that kind of approach would have led to more pictures and posts... so over the weekend I checked on the re-posted picture... and it was escalating... comments like, "That's a BIG bitch!" "Fee Fiii Fooo Fummmm" and "That Bitch is GIANT!"  were posted by students who are not only in my school, but are kids I have helped with different situations... the boy who posted it... is an instigator.  I have had conversations with him about the content of his facebook page due to the complaints of other students and his take on it is he can post what he wants about whomever he wants.  He is a student who is not white, who has been on the receiving end of racist comments that upset him, yet posts racial slurs... I don't get that... He sees it as entertainment, as not a big deal... and despite being public doesn't think anyone at school should be able to interfere with his online activities... even if he posts while at school through his phone or school issued laptop... He is smart... he himself did not call me a bitch... however when someone posted that he said something to encourage it.  And I knew I would have to address it...I just had to figure out when and how.... I felt I needed to be careful because approaching it wrong could lead to more and more posts... and that was the last thing I wanted to do... And timing... when to approach kids... and on that issue, my hand was a bit forced.
Last night on facebook, one of my former students sent me a message on facebook. (It is like an email, not everyone can see it.)  She first apologized for messaging me there because she knows my 'rules' with kids about facebook.  (I will not 'friend' students until they are 18 or have graduated from high school, whichever comes second. And I will not engage with people who allow students to access their pages.)  then she went on to tell me that she was worried about me because she had seen a picture of me posted on facebook and that the comments that kids were making were mean and made her uncomfortable.  She then took screenshots ('photographs' of the content of a computer screen.)  of the picture and of the comments being made and sent them to me.  This girl, who sent this to me, who was concerned for me, was a student who was a kid who attached herself to me when she was my student... she has had a rough life and I always told her to set boundaries with people, to stand up for herself, and to stand tall...walk proud... and here she was, reminding me that the things these kids were posting were outside of those boundaries... and I knew in that moment, it was time to address this thing... now... the how... was the next question... so I have been mulling it over for a while... the casual approach to the girl who took and originally posted the picture removed her post... I know this from a few sources and also because she commented on the copied picture saying that she took her picture down because in her words,"That bitch scares me."  (She is a kid with whom I have had A LOT of contact.  She and her Mom started coming into my office before the school year even began.  She had dealt with issues of being bullied.  She has dealt with situations where she ratted out her friends in some pretty big things... and academically she struggles... through those things I have supported her and have arranged help for her in a way that she will accept it, which has to be done cautiously because she is an insecure kid in some ways and doesn't want people to know she struggles...)  I admit, that I was disappointed that she would post that, but also know, that these kids are kids... and they live in a different time than I did...
So, last night I began thinking about how I was going to approach it.. and decided that I would print off the picture along with all the comments and post it in my office.  If they can post it publicly, on facebook, posting it in my office is not violating any confidentiality laws... I could repost it here even, but won't... I hung it in a prominent location and asked my secretary to call down the student who had originally posted the picture... but she was absent... well coming in late from a doctor's appointment... so I decided to have the kid who reposted it come in next...
I had my secretary call him to my office... and assuming that he thought he would be there for the facebook post (Because one of his comments was something about him asking me my opinion of the post when he got called to my office...)  I told my secretary that I was going to have him sit for a while... and wait for me.  Hoping he would get a little nervous.  And as he waited, I intentionally walked from my office to the printer a couple of times as he sat in a chair across from the printer.  I greeted him as I always to, "Good Morning, how are you?" He answered that he was doing well and started to get up.  I stopped him and told him I was in the middle of something and would let him know when he could come into my office.  So eventually I called him in.  Immediately he noticed the 'post' I had posted and tried to engage me in conversation about it.  I interrupted him.  I told him I had called him down to talk to him about his attendance.  Which was true.  He missed some days and I needed to verify the reasons.  So without addressing the facebook post, as he couldn't take his eyes off it, I dialed his mother's number.  When she answered I asked her about the reasons for his absence and made appropriate changes in our system... and then after that I said to her, that while I had her on the phone I had another question for her.  I asked her if she was aware of her son's online activities.  She said she wasn't.  I asked her if it would surprise her to know he had posted a picture of me and had encouraged people to make comments including things like calling me a bitch.  His mom claimed to be surprised and admitted that she is unfamiliar with facebook and twitter.  I told her that at this time I was not going to do any school consequences because I thought that it was more of a teachable moment than anything else.  She told me she would deal with him when he came home and later called me to let me know they had talked when he came home from school and that she wants me to let her know if there are other issues.  After hanging up the phone the student looked at me and said he was sorry.  I told him that I didn't believe him.  I asked him why I should believe him, when the last conversation he and I had about his online activity on twitter involved him being arrogant and rude... and he said he was having a bad day the last time we talked and said he was rude and was sorry.  I told him that I didn't care about the picture, that I am tall, exceptionally tall, out of the ordinary tall... that it is something I have been acutely aware of my entire life... and I told him that the reason I needed to intervene was that people were becoming disrespectful and people were becoming uncomfortable.  He told me that he disagreed with what I told his mother, that he was encouraging people to post mean things... and I read some of his comments to him "Miss B got a hundred likes! oh yeah keep it up."  (On facebook when people see something that someone else posts and they think  it is cool or funny...)  He had also commented,"Three people so far have called her a bitch, lmao!"  (LMAO= laughing my ass off)... he liked the comments people posted... but again, he is smart... after my former student had commented on his picture,"hey guys I know her, she's  nice lady. You guys are being disrespectful to her and you should get to know her before you judge her."  His response was that he liked me, that I was a good assistant principal.  In my mind, covering his ass, knowing that at some point I would most likely see the post.  I asked him how he could say, after making those comments, that he was not encouraging people... he couldn't disagree.  He told me that he does like me and that I am a good assistant principal.  I told him I didn't trust that.  I told him that he is a kid with whom I will be working with until he graduates.  Since he is not graduating this year we will have some quality time together and that the relationship we have is going to impact how the rest of the time at high school is for him.  I told him that people show us who they are  and that when people show me who they are, I believe them.  (thanks Maya Angelou!)... I told him what he has shown me, is that he likes to entertain people, regardless of whose expense it comes at... I gave him a couple of possible scenarios (that are similar to situations I have dealt with him in already this year, where I gave him the benefit of the doubt)  and asked him why, in those situations I should take his word over the word of someone else? Why I should go out on a limb for him? I told him that at some point, given his history, it is likely that a situation will come up where I am faced with the choice of how to discipline him.... why should I choose detention  because it wouldn't show up on his high school transcript when applying for college vs. a suspension which would show up and about which he would have to offer an explanation? He asked if he took the post down if it would repair things.  I looked at him and said that in order to repair something one first had to realize/recognize that it needed fixing.  He said that he sees how he was disrespectful.  I told him he could take it down or not take it down.. that in the past he has not heeded my advice about what to post or not post or remove.... so why would I continue to offer such advice... before he left I said to him, regardless of this situation... if something comes up and you need help, I will help you.  I will be here... and he thanked me... ... As it worked out... timing is everything... today the other assistant principal came to my office with this student.  He brought him to me because I am his assistant principal.  (We each are assigned specific grade levels.) I asked why he was there and the other assistant principal said  that he had gone into a class to pull a student out to do a search for drugs... he had gone in and asked a student to come to the office with him and asked to bring his things... which often is a way that students know we are searching a kid... and this student had to get involved and sarcastically say something about how he should get searched too because he may be a 'bad boy'... the other assistant principal, knowing what was going on with the facebook stuff, said to me, I think I am going to give him a detention, but if you think I am overreacting I will reconsider... I looked at the student, looked away for a second, towards the wall where I had hung his facebook post, and slightly shook my head and said, "I have no reason to think that there shouldn't be a consequence.  I have no reason to say that we should chalk it up to being funny and I definitely can't say that it won't happen again...so, no, I don't think you are overreacting."  For him... I think..he feels accepted when he is entertaining people....So... perhaps this student will have gleaned something from this experience... maybe... so.. onto the rest of the story...
A student who had commented "THAT BITCH IS GIANT" is a student with whom I have had one interaction and as it worked out his Dad was present at the time.  So... I called him into my office, with the facebook post laid on my desk... and asked him if it looked familiar.  He looked at it... waited and then kind of shook his head, no... I said really? You sure? looking down the list of comments... and he said, well maybe I have seen it... and I said seen it? you commented on it... and he said, uncomfortably, yeah.. yeah I did... and I asked him to read what he had said.  He read it, while looking down.  I then asked him to look up, to look at me, to make eye contact... and he did.  And I said to him: Say it to my face.  He immediately dropped the eye contact and looked at the floor and said nothing.  And I said, no seriously.  I want you to say it to me.  Look me in the eye and say it to me.  He looked up and said, "I can't say that to you.  It wouldn't be respectful." And I said to him that I was confused.  That he 'said' it on facebook, about me,  and that if he could say it there, he should be able to say it here, in my office, with me, to me.  And he said no. I said why not and his response (Which I was hoping for) was that he thinks that saying it to me would probably hurt my feelings.  And then he said he wanted to take his comment down.  I said I hoped that he realized that what he posts online should only be things he could say to someone's face.  I told him I was less worried about that particular comment, but that it did make me wonder about his character and what he was saying to other people.  I asked him if he had made similar comments about other kids... he acknowledged that he has, that he does... and I said to him... look at this post... look at those comments... are those comments saying more about me or o they say more about the people who are making them... he said that he thought that his comment now makes him look ignorant and mean.  I asked him if he was ignorant and mean.  He said no.  I asked him how I knew that? He said there isn't a way for me to know that.  So I said to him, there are no school consequences for this, at this point, but I do think your dad has a right to know that we have met today.  I told him that we were going to call his dad, on speaker phone, and he was going to tell his father what was going on, what he had written... and he looked at me, with wide eyes and said, "Now?"  I said yes.  he swallowed hard and looked at the floor as I dialed... unfortunately his father didn't answer, but I left a voicemail... told his father that I was meeting with his son about a comment he had made about me on facebook.  I told him that I expected this student to come home and have a conversation with his dad about the comment... After hanging up, he looked down.. and I told him that he is someone I am just getting to know.  That what he does, the choices he makes, from here on out will shape my opinion of him... and gave him the speech about if it's ever his word against someone else's... at this point the scale tips in favor of the other person...I think he got it.  Again, as I did with the other student, before he left I said to him... I am putting this behind me.  If something comes up and you need help, I will still help, I will always help.  Later in the day his father and I played phone tag and eventually when we connected, he apologized for his son's actions and thanked me for how I approached things with his son.  He said that it sounded like I used this as a teachable moment and that he appreciated it.  He assured me that a conversation would be had at home tonight...
so that left the girl who posted the original picture... this morning when I realized she would be in late due to an appointment I left her mother a message to stop by my office when she dropped her off so the three of us could chat.  She didn't.... but what she did do... again, timing is everything... called to leave me a message, asking if I could, on her daughter's behalf, intervene with a situation involving her daughter, asking if I could talk to a teacher to see if that teacher would change the detention he had assigned from tonight until tomorrow because the team she is on was having a critical practice today... (thank you timing gods, thank you!)
So... I called this girl to my office... and had the picture and the comments... and with her, I told her that the picture she had taken didn't upset me, but that her comment, specifically the one where she called me a bitch did bother me.  I told her that I was going to call her mom... and we did, on speaker phone... and as soon as her mom answered she said, "I am glad you called.  the first thing I want to say to you is how sorry I am about the picture my daughter posted of you on facebook.  I know you know about it and I told her to take it down."  I told her I appreciated that, and that I had told her daughter to have me pose first the next time she decides to post my picture as a way to let her know I knew and as a way to try to maintain a rapport.  Her mom understood that and said that she had spoken with her daughter and had cited to her daughter all of the things I had supported her through this year... and how disrespectful it was.  I told her that I knew she had taken the picture down, but that I wanted her mom to know about the comments she had made on the picture after it had been re-posted.... I asked the girl to read the comments to her mom and she said no.  I asked her why not and she said because it was not nice and began crying... So I went ahead and read the comments to the girl's mother and her mother went off on her daughter and threatened to take away her facebook privileges (which I know are empty threats at this time.)  I told her mom that I was not doing school consequences, but that if similar things were posted that negatively impacts me, my ability to do my job, or negatively impacts other students who are made to feel uncomfortable, there would be... her mom, then asked me, after all this, if I would be willing to change her daughter's detention to tomorrow!!  Yes, she did.  I said to her, "given all that we just talked about, I was not currently in a mindset that would be willing to go the extra mile for her child.  She said that her asking for that was not necessarily for her daughter's benefit, but for her daughter's teams benefit... I told her that her daughter would have to face her coach and teammates knowing that she had let them down, that I was not willing to protect her from the natural consequences of that today.  We ended the conversation and I said to the student, Do you think I am a bitch? She emphatically said no.  I asked her why she would post it? she had no answer... I asked why she posted the original picture and she had no answer.  I told her that she apparently had a lot of thinking to do.  I asked her if I was scary when I protected her from her friends when she ratted them out for doing drugs? She said no.  I asked her if I was scary when I arranged for a senior to tutor her in a place where nobody else would see them... and she said no.  I asked her if I was a bitch when she had come to me about other things... she said no... I told her that we would be working together until she graduated and that between now and then there will be situations with which she will need support from her assistant principal... and that I will help her... that this will not prevent me from helping her... but I also told her I wouldn't forget this...

Out of the three students I think that I was least effective with her... because I don't know how much she will absorb... because of so many other circumstances in her life...

One word comes to mind... filter...I wish students could be forced to look into someone's eyes to see the pain that their words can cause when they say them... my fear.. as we 'progress' with technology... we will regress with our humanity... our ability to communicate meaningfully... and that we will lose empathy...

It only took four months... for kids to post something about me that had negative overtones... however... one thing that really stood out to me about all this... are the kids who did not 'like' the post and who did not comment on it... some of the kids on whom I have had to come down the hardest... who comment on most of his other posts... didn't comment... (the majority of comments were from kids who are not in my school...)... So the kids who would perceivably have axes to grind... didn't post anything.. stayed out of it... I think THAT says more about me than the comments that were made... and... I had a couple of kids approach me in the hall yesterday and tell me that telling the student to ask me to pose for my next facebook appearance was awesome... I had other kids tell me that they had seen the post and didn't know what to do or say but found it in poor taste... there is a fine line.. between overreacting to something like this... and not reacting... part of me had thoughts about how having that picture of me up, perhaps distracted the kids from making derogatory comments about other kids... but the reality is it's not enough to distract them... I think it is natural for kids to poke fun at the authority figures in their lives... but... I also think that I need to do what I taught my former student to do... set boundaries...stand up for myself... I am grateful that she reminded me of that lesson... I am sure it won't be the last post about me or picture posted of me... but... this one, for now, is disappearing in the rear view mirror...