Hard to imagine...

Yesterday, not unlike the rest of this week, was busy and hectic... And in the background was knowing that Dad was having a colonoscopy.  He was supposed to have his appointment at 8:00.  As my morning unfolded with having to suspend a student who I have spent a lot of time with and have wondered this week about whether or not I can help him, if his parents can help him.... around 10:30 or so I messaged or called Betty to see how Dad was doing and she told  me he hadn't gone in yet.  This felt odd to me and as her texts kept updating me on him still not going in... there was a part of me that thought that something wasn't right, wondered if in fact he had gotten in for his appointment and that something had been found and that Dad and Betty didn't want us to worry until they knew more... and wondered if they were waiting to tell us how it went until they had bad news to share... as this was circling in my head I was called to deal with several other  issues that were cropping up with some of our most needy students... As early afternoon approached and I was waiting in front of the school with a student waiting for a parent to come and get him, I checked my facebook through my phone, which I never do during the day, and saw a post referencing a school shooting in Connecticut.  I didn't have much time to thing/react because the parent picked up their child and I needed to talk with the parent.  As I came back into the building my radio went off, telling me I was needed back in my office as soon as possible.  On my way back I heard a couple of teachers say something about Connecticut, but headed straight back to my office.  I dealt with a few more things, checked my phone for Dad upates, and saw the other assistant principal and school resource officer looking at a computer.  Eventually Betty texted and Dad had been taken in for his procedure and then a text that all was good and I was able to relax and believe that he was okay... relieved... not that I thought something was wrong.. but this 'happiness streak' I have been fortunate to be on has to end at some point... and there is fear about how that ending will unfold... The school day ended and a couple of teachers stopped by to talk about a few things and after they left the other assistant principal and I looked at each other and hoped that next week will be less eventful.  Nothing was really said about the tragedy in Connecticut.
Our principal was out of the building yesterday... and I wonder if he had been there if something would have been said about what had happened... and hope that Monday there is some kind of announcement...
I came home last night and it wasn't until after having dinner with Jacey and going for a walk that I had a chance to look at the internet to look at the news about the elementary school shooting.  In some ways it seemed surreal to me, in other ways, sadly, seemed like familiar coverage I have witnessed in past news coverage of other school shootings... I cannot imagine that happening.  I am disturbed that the media felt it was okay to interview children who had been in that school, who have lost their friends and teachers... why do that? Is getting a moving news shot more important than letting those kids and their families hold each other and try to begin to make any sense of a senseless act?
I didn't spend a lot of time looking at the coverage... because selfishly I knew I wouldn't sleep... however it was on my mind as I woke up this morning.  I checked my messages on my phone and there was a thoughtful message from a man I only know through my sister... telling me that as he watched the footage yesterday he thought about me, knowing my role and knowing that it would impact me... it was a nice message to read... and then my mind started going to places I don't want it to go... wondering which of my students have that capability.
Undoubtedly this will prompt us to do out emergency drills sooner than later and will prompt discussions about what if... we will talk about our security and in some way we will take comfort in knowing we have 'done what we can to prepare'.... but can we ever be prepared?
As a classroom teacher I worried about school shootings from time to time as similar events have happened... and I there was a part of me that assumed if someone came into a school that it would most likely be the people in the office that would be at greatest risk... because if it was an angry parent, chances are they would be angry with administrators... I thought less about a student targeting teachers or peers...
This morning I think about the role I am in and the consequences I have given out, the conversations I have had with parents... and is there potential for me to be a target? I think I would be naive to say no.  No matter how hard I work to build relationships with kids who come through my office, even through discipline... there are kids who are mentally ill... and how they think about and process our interactions could be different than my thinking...
It is disturbing to think about schools being a place where people feel unsafe.  Well... I think many kids feel unsafe at school every day... kids who are bullied for example... and knowing the limitations of dealing with every instance of bullying due to the lack of reporting... is frustrating... to think about schools and having to worry about guns... seems so incongruent.
It is scary... it is sad...
People start talking about gun control... either the lack of or the need for more... and while I understand why people's minds go there... I hate that the attention is drawn from the kids and families... I understand the need to figure out why something like this happens... we need to place blame... on guns, on violent video games, on bad parenting, on lack of security, on mental illness... even if the pieces of the puzzle are put together, will we know the whole story? will we be able to ever 'understand' the thinking behind someone who could go into a school and kill children and the adults who are there to help them?
I hope... would pray if I did that kind of thing... that I never have to experience something like this first hand... yet hope if I am ever in a situation I would somehow be able to diffuse it, would have the courage to step in front of someone else, would be willing to hurt the perpetrator before he/she hurts others....and would be able to offer comfort in the aftermath... but the truth is, someone in that mindset, doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to be talked out of it... so diffusing it at that point, is unlikely... stepping in front of someone... hard to know if that would be my instinct or not... hurt someone who was threatening to hurt others... maybe... comforting others afterwards... when I would probably be in great need of comforting...
So... as many other educators, I am sure, are thinking... I hold my breath, cross my fingers, and hope that it never happens 'here'...

... just posted this blog, but am adding something here... as I just reviewed my facebook page... people are offering prayers... asking people to find strength in God... one post that says: "dear God why o you allow so much violence in schools? signed, a concerned student...Dear concerned student, I'm not allowed in schools. - God."
Really?
This is where people go? blaming the lack of religion in schools? If this GOD everyone talks so much about is almighty and powerful... God would not allow such things to happen.  People are worried about God not being in school? Where was their god as that shooter loaded his guns? as he killed his mother?
People say that things are 'God's will' or things are 'part of God's plan'... when they need to make themselves feel better about something... If God could make a difference if god was 'allowed' in schools... the same god could act outside of schools... so what people are saying is that God is a vengeful god? Would this almmighty entity everyone talks about say: Because I am not allowed in schools I will not only not protect them, but will allow tragedies to happen there?
.... stepping off my soap box.