A New Aspergerian!

I steal the term Aspergerian from John Elder Robinson, author of "look me in the eye my life with asperger's," meaning someone with Asperger's. 

Today I got to meet a student who I will be working with... and oooooh is he going to be fun!  I am so excited.  Today he was trying to figure me out and I look forward to keeping him on his toes... He is a dweller... likes to dwell on things... and uses those things to avoid the tasks he needs to do... This is going to be fun!!!!! 

I did some assessments with kids today... and in one class, after they finished, I played a game with them.. simple... to practice addition and subtraction facts... and had four boys all excited about it, about math!  They were having a blast and practicing skills they need... As they were leaving I heard them say that they hope to play it again tomorrow... I don't always do games, but after making them do some assessments... well worth it! 

In the meantime... I am changing some of my habits... I went for a nice walk last night... need to get moving again... and have decided that I am going to limit my use of technology at night... going to sign off by 8:30 p.m. and read... yes read... those things with words and pages... Books!  I have not been sleeping and I think it will help to 'unplug' a bit before bed...

My fear of being complacent this year is behind me... I am fired up and excited about the kids... but I think I needed a little shake up... to appreciate the time with the kids...

The kids...

Today was day one with the kids at school for this year... I got to meet some new students and also got to see some of the kids I have worked with before.  Some of them looked exactly the same while others looked a bit more grown up.  My day started with my homeroom... 14 eighth graders with 14 different personalities.  After getting some of the logistics out of the way (forms, forms, and more forms) and telling the kids I am not sure when their laptops will be passed out... (In Maine all students in grades 6-12 are issued a laptop) ... I asked the kids to share anything they wanted to share about their summers... one boy said among other things, that he had grown a whole centimeter... He is quite short compared to other boys his age.  I asked him if growing was important to him and he said, of course. The girls in my homeroom all sat at the same table  and made sure they mentioned that they thought it was weird that the boys didn't join them... Hmm... they apparently did not realize that they were sitting in all the chairs that were palced around the table as well as pulling in a couple of extras... and there were no room for anyone else at the table.   But... that's how middle school minds work.  And I love it. 

My first class included kiddos who are new to me... new to our school.  It's amazing to see what kids reveal to you day one... One kid clearly wants to be the leader of the group... but chooses to get t othe top by stepping on others... which, for the record does not happen in my classroom.  The first time I spoke to him to begin to set some boundaries he smiled... I knew he would do it again, and he did, twice.  The third time, which I do not think will be the last time, I let him know that he does not want to be in trouble with me... so we'll see how that goes... I am not worried... I think he will be fairly easy to contain... just need to help him readjust some of his behaviors... and I need to make sure I use his leadership skills in a proactive way, and show him how to use that power for good and not for evil... my biggest concern for that group... is ironically the littlest guy in the group... he's new to our school... and Mr. Personality.. who, for the record, I predict, will challenge the above mentioned student... and I will have to watch that...he is my biggest concern because today, after talking with them about my class, the rules, blah blah blah... I asked them to fill out  a simple interest inventory... 10 questions, all about themselves...wha tthey like, what they don't like... and they had plenty of time to finish it.. he avoided it, completely.  He wrote his name on it, but other than that, wrote nothing.  During his avoidance he made comments about how hard it was to think of answers... I had no intention of having the kids take it home, but knew I had to feel something out... I told him that he needed to finish it in class or else it would be homework.  A smile flashed on his face... and he said he wanted to take it home, that he gets help there.  I think writing is really difficult for him... and I think he compensates for his inability to write with his personality...so.. lots to keep an eye on in that group...

My third group of the day was filled with kids I know... except two... and I think it's going to be a good group... one of the kids in there was a kid I knew form last year, but did not work with directly.  What a hard life this kid has had... one parent died and when the other parent got involved in a relationship this kid had a hard time... and when that relationship ended the surviving parent made it clear it was the fault of this student... and one thing led to another and in the kitchen this student held a kitchen knife in a threatening way and was hauled off to a mental health facility... oh and did I mention he has a medical condition that is usually fatal?  That was mid year last year... after that things seemed to calm down... he is a pretty low key kid with a lot of nervous energy... an interesting combination... today he was... almost manic... which included climbing on my tables..well not really climbing as much as sitting in various positions on them, on the edges of them... which is not allowed in my classroom... and atypical for this kid... a few reminders to get off the tables... and he did something very odd... After briefly sitting in his chair, he stood up, and then stood next to the back of his chair, then kind of straddled the back of it... it was awkward... kind of like if he was the bear in the Jungle Book who scratched his back on a tree... but this was no tree and not exactly this kid's back... My mind has gone to many places with that one... I am going to keep an eye on it, try to observe him in another setting and if it continues, go to the nurse, then the social worker... something is just not right there... I am not so much worried about that exact behavior as I am the marked difference in this kids behavior from last year... Also in that group is another kid who is usually pretty quiet and shy.. and he was a bit mouthy today... and it annoyed me...later I talked to a teacher that worked with him last year, more closely than I did and asked if he ever got like that with her... and she said sometimes, but usually when he is anxious... Anxious? as in anxiety? She said yes.   Hmm... this is not a kid I would peg for anxiety... so.. clearly I still have a lot to learn... I need to check in with him tomorrow and get the scoop...

One last kid thing... there is a kid who is new to our school this year.. on the Aspergery end of Autism (yup, my favorite!) he is also in the behavior program... and is also in my homeroom.  Before today I had met him three times... the first time he was compeletly nonverbal, leaning into his mother's shoulder when I asked him questions and she would answer for him... which by the way is not going to happen with me... he will speak for himself... because this kid, more than most, will need his own voice... So that day I asked him what he liked to be called.... Let's say his name was James Rudabega.... I asked him if he prefers Jim, or James, or JR... and he looked to his mother and she began to answer and I interrupted her saying that I wanted to hear it from her son... and she looked perplexed.... and he scowled at me... he is a VERY good scowler... and gave me the silent treatment... so I said... well... until YOU tell me what name you would like me to call you, I am going to call you Jimmy.  It did not take him long to grunt at me that he liked to be called JR.  Ahhh.... there it is... smile... the next time I met him I was in school trying ot get some things done.  He was there with another special ed teacher completing his summer school hours.  She was having him walk around the building so that he would be able to get to all of his classes.  He kept popping up and I joked with him that he was stalking me... and he tried to scowl... but scowling is hard to do while grinning... I am serios.. try it... Then one day I was in my room working with my assistant who is new to the position this year, my old side kick left me to go back to college full time for social work... anyway... JR walked in and said he had a letter for me, that he had written, to tell me about himself.  (An activity done at the end of last year, but since he was not in our school last year he did not get the chance to write...)and oh yes, YAY, he spoke without prompting  I asked him if he could introduce himself .. and he scowled... surprise surprise... and stared at me silently... I said.. oh.. well.. this student is Freddy.. he is in our homeroom this year.... and he growled a little, briefly... and then siad... I like to be called JR.  Ohhhh, I said... JR this is Mrs. T, who will be in our classroom.  Thank youf or introducing yourself and thanks for the letter.  Today he showed up to homeroom very appropriate... little eye contact, but I would expect that... He spoke to the other kids and shared a bit about himself... we decided that my room was a good location for his backpack.. kids at our school are not allowed to carry backpacks around the building... and his locker seemed a bit too small for this kid, who I feel has some issues with having other kids get in his space especially in a crowded hallway... throughout the day he came into my classroom to get things from his backpack... and I also think to have a little bit of reassurance... had one of those last year too... his mom had sent a letter to me this morning... quite long... very concerned about his day...wanting to know how it would go and gave me all 50 of her phone numbers and email addresses... okay not 50... but you get the idea... Around 10:30 I had a few minutes and gave her a call.  It's always interesting to call a parent for the first time... I told her who I was, where I was calling from... we had met the first day I met her son... I said, hello I am calling from the middle school, calling about JR... and her tone changed and she said... with a sigh... Ok?... I told her that his day seemed to be going well and she asked if that was it... I said yes... that I just wanted her to know that so far so good..... and she waited.. like there was more I should say... I think she has received many phone calls from school... and I suspect they were to let her know about what her son was doing that he should not have been doing or things he wasn't doing that he should have been doing... A very good reminder that I need to call parents... for good news... both as a teacher and when I get to that next step... administrator...

So ... while I really wanted, and still want a different job... today was a good day for me... not so much because it was an amaing teaching day with amaing moments of learning... but because I know... with capital letters... I KNOW... that my instincts are there about these kids... that my rapport with the kids is going to be there... that my heart... is there... while I am there... and that feels good...

Phew. 

Life is what happens when...

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

So... at the end of last year, school year, I moved everything out of my classroom that was mine... my microwave, mini-fridge, photographs, office supplies... everything... fully anticipating that I would not be returning to that classroom... that job this year.  I was certain that I would be starting anew... in a new role... and today was, technically, the first day of school with kids... we had our teacher days last week. 

Irene, however, had other plans.  Her powerful winds knocked out the power in much of the town where I teach and school was cancelled.  I did not know this, however, until I was on the road, driving to work.  My coworker texted me to see if there was school and not long after that, the radio announced that my school was cancelled... I decided to go in anyway.. plenty to do. 

At first there were not many people... just the custodian, me, and my coworker that had texted... We were supposed to have received a phone call if there was no school... I also have signed up to receive text messages from two local news stations when my specific school is cancelled... none of those alerts happened... Oh well...

I think my anxiety about being back at my old job... worrying about how invested I will be... has helped me... I have spent a lot of time getting things ready for this year... part of me felt like I got a late start because I had not been in my classroom until mid August, after hearing that I did not get the assistant principal job I had applied for.  Typically by then I would have already reached out to parents and kids... which I still have not done... but I do feel like I am ready to start... my room is in good shape... I have the first few days planned and will have the weekend to work on my plans for next week. 

So... I am off and running... well maybe jogging .. but I am ready.  I am excited... and scared... and maybe that's a good combination.  I think if I wasn't a little nervous... that would mean that I had become complacent... so... deep breaths... tonight... and early to bed... I did not sleep well last night... anticipating the wrath of Irene...

The final countdown...

Tomorrow is the official start of the school year for me... professional days tomorrow and Friday, kids come next week.  Wow... summer is over... almost...

The last couple of days have been busy... yesterday we had an all day meeting at school, for the people who were on the leadershio team last year... I was a part of that team, as an intern... principalship intern... the meeting was to discuss many things about last year and begin planning for this year, including the configuration of the leadership team.  I would like to be a part of it again this year... but want to be paid for it... and made that clear.  I feel like I am getting more and more selfish with my time, but I know the work I do is quality... and as the meeting progressed there were several things that needed to be done that I had to do... because the forms were on my computer because I created them last year.  I could have emailed them to the principal and asst. principal, but the bottom line is that they would have come back to me asking for help because of the formatting... neither are great at manipulating things in the way I create them... maybe the lesson there is that when I am a principal or asst. principal, I need to teach other people how to do what I do... so that I don't have to do as much...

Today I had hoped to get things done on my to-do list to prepare for school.. but as it worked out I spent half the day working with one of my colleagues on developing our advisory program.  Her schedule did not allow for other times to work so today was the day... while we were working the school secretary called and asked me about the teacher duty schedule.  She was going to try to do it at the principal's request... but I know she had amillion other things to do to gear up for these first two teacher days and also knew that her system of putting people in the schedule would be random and I can't let something be done randomly... I think each role has a purpose and needs to be scheduled right...and told her I would do it before the end of the day... so in the afternoon, I went to school.  I had intended to do things for my students.. but... instead spent the afternoon doing the duty schedule as well as preparing a presentation about advisory that I was asked to do today too...so I ended up staying at school until 5:00... then came home, had dinner, and got out my computer.  Checked in with some folks online, then got to work... typing letters to each of the kids in my homeroom. 

It's now time for bed... and I guess I am feeling a little better about some things... I guess that the fact that I worked on so much today, so late, is a good sign that I am as passionate as ever when starting the year... even though some of it wasn't directly for my kids, it was for the benefit of ths school which will help all the kids... and all the teachers... so that's good...

I think...

Anxiety

Two posts in one night? Yes...

I spent most of the day in my classroom... I got to see some colleagues... and am putting final touches on my bulletin boards. I felt pretty good while I was there... but still hoping for enough time to get things the way I want them before the year starts...

I got home around 5:00 and knew if I stayed put I would do schoolwork on my laptop... and decided instead, to go to the movies.  I saw the movie "The Help,"  based on a book I read a couple years ago.  It was a good movie, one I would recommend.  It is crazy to me that people were treated like that... that some people are still treated and perceived as they are... because of difference in skin color.. but that is a tangent for another day...

I got to the movie theater... I went solo.. something I have done many times...I had a bottle of water and some white chocolate covered pretzels hidden in my purse... yes I am one of THOSE people... I am not paying $3 for a bottle of water!  I sat in a seat near the center of the theater and as I waited for the show to start the row filled in, not completely, but enough so that if I wanted to leave for any reason I would have to get by a few folks... I don't like that feeling... I like to know, for whatever reason, that I have a clear exit... I am like that in restaurants too, I like to sit where I am facing the biggest part of the room and like to have a view of the door or at least in the direction of the exit.. not sure why... just do... Anyway... I noticed as I was sitting there that I was fidgeting.  I am not typically much of a fidget-er... and noticed that I was breathing a little faster than I usually do... and realized I Was feeling a little anxious... not the kind of anxious that would make me freak out or leave, but enough to make me wonder if I was going to enjoy the movie...

I realized that I was thinking about school... technically the school year starts for me on Thursday... teacher days this week, then kids next week... but I have a meeting tomorrow, an all day meeting.. the leadership team for the building... last year I was part of the team as part of my internship... and not to sound egotistical, I did a lot for our school.  Re-wrote and published online, our student handbook, began the advisory program and wrote bi-weekly lesson plans for it for our entire staff, created a duty schedule that was fair and kept everyone appeased, presented at staff meetings, created a hard copy of the new schedule that we would be using after the principal had shared it verbally but nobody could picture it to understand what he was talking about... and this spring, created the new schedule we will be using this year... there were a lot of other things too, but these were the bigger things... I participated and did those things because I was completing my internship and think as a principal I would do those things... I got no money for the role I played.  This year I would like to be on the leadership team again, and my ego says that they need me on the team... today I approached the principal and assistant principal and told them while I was sad I did not get the job for which I had applied to be an asst. principal, I was happy to be back at our school with great people.  And that is true, I am... but I know I will be moving on at some point... I also told them that if there was a position available, I would like to once again be on team leaders, but told them that I would not do it without compensation. 

It was a stand I needed to take.  Looking back at the things I did for our school last year, I know my skills are valued.  And I know that not everyone can do things as I do... not that I am amazing at what I do, but I do things in a way that is efficient and user friendly.  I think having the spec. ed. background allows me to create things in a way that people can easily understand... and I know that our building leadership needs the skills that I have.  I also take initiative.  In the meetings as people are debating about how to schedule a professional development day, arguing, wasting time, I create a schedule on my laptop, email it to people and ask them to look at it... and 9 times out of 10, that's what we have gone with...

So where does the anxiety come from? Well... having been in the role I was in last year... teacher and pseudo administrator... was something I really enjoyed... I was able to jump in to situations I would not have otherwise been involved with... I got to observe classrooms and resolve conflict... I got to see things through to the end... in a capacity in which I did not before serve... so now... going back to being  a teacher... just a teacher... makes me wonder if I will feel the same satisfaction I have felt before... and part of me is worried that I will find it less exciting... the quality of my job that I have always loved is that every day is different... and working as an administrator, that was even more true... more plates to keep spinning... maybe that relative I saw at Grammie's funeral, who asked if I was still a busy kid, was right... maybe I am always busy, always need to be busy... even this summer.. doing what I love, kayaking... became something I turned into something else... I created a blog about kayaking where I posted pictures etc... and while taking pictures is something I love to do, especially from my kayak... there was part of me that was cognisant that I was going to be posting them to a website... a website that few people have even seen... so what's the point of it? Is it well done? Yes.  Is it helpful? Yes... but to whom? This blog was searchable via google because I had sent them an email asking it to be... now they have changed their way of communicating with people... there is no wway to email them directly to ask for that any more... so to get a blog to be searchable it has to be viewed often... which happens apparently by networking with people I know...

By the way... the other blog is kayakinginmaine.blogspot.com, if you want to help a girl out!  The more hits apparently the more searchable it becomes! 

Anyway... back to the anxiety... How do I go back to just doing one role? What if I get there and am not happy because I know that it is no longer my first choice for a job? What if I don't give it my all? That's not fair to the kids... Ugh... makes me sick to my stomach...

I know that I am a person that givesit my all when it comes to my kids... (Students)  and whether I am in my classroom or in the office... I know I act in the best interest of my kids... so I just have to go with that... I do think that I want to chat more with the principal and asst. principal... to see if there may be opportunities for me to fill in for them in the office again.. not as part of my internship, but as a way for me to keep gaining experience. 

Well... maybe I should go to bed and try to sleep... I think there is some tossing and turning in my future... G'Night All!

He was right.

Two weeks ago, tomorrow... my grandmother died.  A week ago today was her funeral.  I haven't written about it yet because it is still swirling around in my head...

I knew when I saw her last that I would not see her again... Those are hard good-byes... While she was not a part of my daily life in the way that she was a part of my aunts' daily lives... her influence on me, on my life has been huge. 

At her funeral I was, of course, emotional.  I tried not to be... but not long after getting out of my truck at the funeral home after following Dad and Betty... I heard my father thank my Uncle Allen, who was standing in the parking lot, for all he did for 'Mum.'  And Dad's voice cracked a little and that's all it took to get me going.  Allen married one of my Dad's sisters.  They live close to my grandmother's house and as things worked out, Allen was the one who did snow removal, mowing, and other maintenence chores on Grammie's house. My Dad and his brother also helped when they were able, but since Allen lived closest he took on that responsibility.  Allen was one of the kids to my grandmother... Dad has so appreciated Allen's help for Grammie over the years... and I know how much that help meant to Grammie, Dad, and the rest of the family...

I remember Mom used to talk about how she would get through funerals... by looking at the ceiling, counting things in the room, biting her lip or cheek... and I found myself doing all of those things... We got to the funeral home about an hour and a half before the funeral was supposed to start, a chance for the immediate family to have a last viewing of their loved one... and to arrange things, such as pictures, for the service.  My Dad's two sisters were already there when we walked into the room where the funeral was going to be held... blue carpet... rows of chairs on either side of the aisle...the open casket at the front of the room... Betty asked me if I wanted her to go up there with me and I ust shook my head no... I was frozen for a minute... couldn't move... then greeted my aunts and saw Dad was heading to the casket... and something in me had to join him... seeing him alone or about to be alone saying his final good bye to his mother set something off inside me... and I joined him at Grammie's side... She didn't look like her... she was wearing a blue dress she had chosen herself, as the dress she wanted to be buried in... the dress she wore at her 50th wedding anniversary party... there were flowers of course... a lot of carnations, her favorite... after Dad and I stood there rubbing each other's backs we moved away from the casket and I decided I needed something to do to keep busy... so I went to see if I could help with the photographs they were putting up... my Aunt Sharon had picked out pictures to display... and I looked at them... many of her life before I was a part of it... she looked so young... one picture, maybe her senior picture, showed her with curly hair... and it made me smile... I have very very curly hair... ringlets that are often out of control.. Grammie loved my curls... so much so that I would often try to wear my hair down when I would see her... I get my curls from my grandfather.... Grammie's hair was not naturally curly, but always has worn it with curls...

I watched Sharon as she put up more pictures and she put one up of Grammie walking away from the camera in her yard, bent forward holding the hand of my oldest nephew, then about two... sidde by side... and that picture really got to me... the adoration Grammie had for kids... her kids, her grandkids, great grandkids...and the newest great great grandson... always made her smile.. she loved getting pictures of the boys from Sis... some pictures would make her chuckle out loud...

After recovering from that surge of emotions, I took two fairly large bags to the front of the room, near the casket... in them were two of the quilts Grammie had made... I took them out of the bags and draped them over the two chairs that had been placed there for this purpose... Grammie made the best quilts... for all of us... I have several, all of which I treasure and have used to the point where they are warn... Quilts over which I am very protective... in college I came home from class one day to find my roommate wrapped up in one of my Grammie quilts and let's just say that did not happen again.  Those were off limits to other people... The beautiful work she did on her quilts... the hours of stiching by machine and by hand... the love she put into them... amazing...

As time passed other people began coming in and as Grammie had requested, the casket was closed for the service.  Many people came... I was surprised by the number of people there... not because I questioned the impact she had on people's lives, on her community, but because she was 93.. and outlived many of her friends and family.... and in my mind I didn't think there would be too many people her age able to come to the service.  About 125 people attended... ranging in ages...

Seeing her sister Louise go to the casket was hard... I was afriad she was going to collapse...and she just cried... and then sat down... her other sister, Glenice, came in and I hugged her... and a few people gathered around us and she asked... "What am I going to do now? Who's gonna be the boss of me?"  I know there was some attempt at lightening up the situation by her comment.. but also know the truth in it... Grammie was the oldest of five... she had seen her only brother and one of her sisters die before her... and she kept track of all of them...

Most of my cousins are just enough older than my sister and I so that we didn't really grow up together... we were the little kids at family functions... I felt closest to Danny and one other cousin, Karen.  Seeing both of them upset also got to me...

Some family friends came that meant a lot to me... some people from the campground and some people from our town who have been close with Mom and Dad as long as I can remember...

The service itslef was hard to get through... I didn't care much for the minister... she was the minister that had been serving Grammie's church for the last few years... with whom Grammie never seemed impressed... She was asked to keep it short and simple... she spoke of Grammie's life... as a wife, sister, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother... and as she forgot, many in the attendance said, and great great grandson... I counted 33 folds in the curtain that hung behind Grammie's casket...

After the service there was a reception with food... it was a chance to talk to family members who we usually see at Thanksgiving and some we don't... some approached me and said they remembered me when I was a child and asked if I was still as busy as ever... busy as in involved with so many things... busy... yeah, I guess I stay busy... My cousin's wife came up to me and chatted for a bit.  She told me that she wanted to come and tell me that the picture of Grammie that was on the board, the one that I thought may have been her senior picture... reminded her of me... that I have some of Grammie;s features... What a sweet thing to say.. When I looked at the picture I had thought how beautiful Grammie was in it... and to resemble her is an honor...

I heard people talking about Thanksgiving... people saying that we must continue the tradition... I am very hopeful that it will continue... it is my favorite holiday... though this year it will be tough... there will be an obvious empty seat... another empty seat... at our tables...

After mingling and having some food... my Uncle Allen came to tell my Dad that it was time... time for the processional.. to go to the cemetary... I had already told Dad that I was not going ot go to the cemetary... and he told me it was okay... that he understood... but that was one of the hardest parts of the day.. not going... because at that moment I had to say good bye to Dad... and knew he was about to bury his mother, next ot his father... and I was not strong enough to participate... still now, that upsets me... not that I didn't go... but that it was not something I could bring myself to do... I just couldn't... I know one of my aunts wanted me to go... and I just said I wasn't going... and when she asked why I just shook my head.. and her husband said, "She can't handle it." 

She can't handle it.  He was right. 

I know that Grammie would have been okay with me not going to the cemetary... I am not good in cemetaries... Have only been to my mother's grave once... my grandfather's, on my mother's side, once, maybe twice, and never to my Dad's father's grave... I know going to a burial is something I will not be able to avoid forever... but... I just couldn't...

I felt bad that day too, because Dad was worried about me... seeing me upset, knowing I was trying to hold things back... and I did not want to add more stress to his day...

It also hit me that day... again... my single-ness...all but one of my cousins are married... with families... and there I was... just another moment in which I wish I wasn't single... but that's another story...

Grammie's funeral was a way to honor her life... and I think it did... but I think that her life is honored every day, by the way she raised her family... the closeness that is shared.. the love that exists... She truly was an amazing person... and I hope I honor her daily in the way I live my life. 

Pictures... as promised... although a bit late...

Here are some pictures from last weekend... at the Lake with Dad, Betty, Sis, Dave, and the boys...

This is a view from one of the coves near Betty's...

My middle nephew in a kayak...  

My oldest nephew... 

And The Youngest...

My sister... No, that is not a pose... just her normal body language!  Ha! 

Ewwww... worm/caterpillar/grub... maybe this is the calm before the Luna Moth storm?  (Although the thing pinched my sister's hand!) 

 A rare moment... all three boys in the same place and not running around!  Should have had them to the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil poses...

This is me and my oldest nephew swiming in the rain.  The rain came fast and it was pouring...

He and I just laughed and figrured we were already wet from the rain so why not stay out there...  

Straw snorkels...

Love this picture... Nice to feel REAL happiness, real laughter again... Silly Dad... He was posing for his next career... bathing suit model... at least until he exhaled!

Betty helping my middle nephew make s'mores!

Just a tree...

View from the dock... peaceful...

Dad was in the water with the boys... I love that... I remember swimming with Dad as a kid...

That's all for now... Will write more soon...

Home is where the heart is...

This weekend I have been visiting my dad... as we prepare for my grandmother's funeral tomorrow... Originally I was going to work on Saturday, but my sister decided that she was going to come up to visit Dad and she was bringing her family... sooo... I did not want to miss a chance to visit with them, so I called out for my shift and headed north. 

Dad has been living with his girlfriend, Betty, for a while now... and Betty has told me that I am welcome to stay at the house with them at anytime... my only other visit to her home was on the eve of Thanksgiving... I figured that I would stay with them at some point... most likely again, around Thanksgiving.  I didn't know how it would feel going to visit my father without staying at our house... the house where I had lived for so long...

Truth be told, I considered getting a hotel room... unsure about how it would feel to be an overnight guest... and I wasn't sure it would feel 'right'.... and Betty has a dog, and I am allergic to dogs... my allergy, historically has been pretty minor... but this winter I rode in a vehicle that had transported a black lab (same breed as Betty's dog) and had a significant reaction... to the point where I won't ride with that person if the windows cannot be down... also this weekend meant meeting Betty's daughter, Jacey... and while we have communicated online, in person is always different...

I got to Betty's around 4:45 p.m. on Friday.... (I had waited around home hoping to hear from the place I interviewed... no word yet!)  When I drove up, it was pretty quiet... and nobody came to greet me... which was kind of nice to be honest... (I should add here I had to call for directions because I had only been here in winter and at night!)  I walked around the house, to the lakeside... Betty's house is right on the water... BEAUTIFUL!  And found Dad and Betty sitting on the deck by the water.  It was nice to get here and to see them. 

This is a beautiful spot... beautiful lake... one that has fond memories for me... in high school/college I spent a lot of time in the summer with friends who had a camp on this lake and we boated and had many laughs out here.  I sat and chatted for a while and eventually Jacey came out too.  It was nice. 

Eventually we made our way inside and as I looked around Betty's house, began noticing that there were things hung on the wall from Mom and Dad's house... I liked that... (although not putting up the antlers from the prize buck he had shot years ago would have been okay with me)... I liked that there are pieces of Dad surfacing here at Betty's... and I am sure I will, at some point refer to this as Dad's place too, not just Betty's house... but for now... saying Betty's house or At the Lake feels good. 

The weekend went pretty well.  It was nice being together... family.  Jacey and I got a chance to visit and I thanked her for welcoming Dad into her life and her mom's life... and for welcoming me and my sister and her family this weekend... that I appreciate it so much... She said that she was happy for her mom and my dad... that she knows had either of us had control over things there would be no reason for my dad to be without my mom and her mom to be without her dad (divorce)...but that she knows that in life, you need good people around for support and that having good people around was a very good thing... she and I are on the same page in that way. 

She is a cool kid... and I say kid because she is a lot younger than me, or so it seems... Betty was my homeroom teacher in sixth grade and at the end of  that year had Jacey.... so I remember being so excited about my teacher having a baby... and It feels like I am way older than Jacey... Jacey is a college student and will be taking classes near where I am living so I hope we get a chance to visit once in a while. 

She said to her Mom yesterday... "I woke up this morning as an only child.. and look... today I kind of have two sisters and some nephews...how cool is that?" I am paraphrasing a bit, but that was the gist... I am good with that... and the idea of having a younger sister is kind of cool... whatever relation we are to each other at this point... we decided we are family... and I like that too...

Being here this weekend felt natural... I admit that surprises me... but pleasantly so... I love being at the lake and enjoying all the amenities the lake has to offer... I got to go kayaking, with my nephews... no solo paddles this time (although I look forward to a chance to explore the lake more!) , swimming, and relaxing on the water's edge... very nice. 

Home is where the heart is... and this home... has a lot of heart! 
(Pics soon... promise...)

Proud to be part of her legacy...

I am a very lucky person... I got to grow up knowing all of my grandparents... not only did I get to know all of them, I got to have close bonds with each of them.  Today, my grandmother, my father's mother, passed away... I know that losing her is hard on all of us who love her so much.  It is hard to say good bye to such an amazing lady.  She lived for 93 years and during that time married my grandfather, had four children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and a great great grandson... She was the matriarch of our family, no doubt about it.  This is a picture of her, taken at our Thanksgiving dinner last fall.  She and her two sisters were singing the song "Side by Side." She worried a lot about all of us, and was so very proud of us, for all we have done and who we are. 

We lost my grandfather in January 1999 and I was convinced that after losing him, my grandmother would die of a broken heart.  Since then she has lived alone, in their house and, for the most part lived pretty independently.  Of course she got some help from her kids, especially Donna and Sharon who would deliver her mail, take her to her appointments, and would make sure she had what she needed.  Today, when Dad called to tell me she was gone.. I knew it when the phone rang.  I woke up in the night last night feeling unsettled and immediately thought of calling the place where she had been staying, wanting them to check on her... but talked myself out of it as I thought I had been dreaming or something... My dad was with Grammie when she died... and in a strange way, I take comfort in that.  I hate that Dad has seen so much death, so up close and personal, in the last few years, but... as it worked out Dad  had been away this weekend, camping... honoring what Grammie and his siblings wanted him to do.. and I know that had Grammie died before Dad got to see her again, there would have been some guilt for him... and maybe she knew that...

 

 Grammie had not been happy to be at the facility at which she had been for the last few weeks... we all knew this and all also knew that getting her home would not be possible...I chatted with one of my cousins online the other night and she had been to visit my grandmother on Sunday I Think... and Grammie had told her she wanted to die, that this was no way to live...

I am not a religious person... Grammie was... but I do believe that our spirits can stay around after we die.  I truly believe that my grandmother has been reunited with her true love, my grandfather... and I can see him smiling as he takes her hand... She has missed him so much... she told me that when I saw her in July at her house.   

This is a picture of a picture I have at my house.  I can't remember who gave it to me... maybe from Mom and Dad at Christmas one year, or maybe my sister took it... After visiting my grandmother at her house... she would ALWAYS watch us leaving through the porch window at her house.  She would stand there waving and smiling as we drove out of her long driveway.  I would always look for her in that window... Good Bye Grammie... I love you and will miss you...

P.S.  My aunt Donna sent me an email tonight... on Sunday she had written on Grammie's white board (because she couldn't hear) that I had an interview on Monday and Grammie said, "I hope she gets the job."  Thanks Grammie... Me too... I know how much you loved the work I do... I will continue to make you proud...

An additional blog... not a new one...

I am keeping this blog.. as you know.. but I have started another blog... a kayaking locations blog, for Maine, mostly southern Maine. The additional blog came because I have been searching for a similar site to use, to find new places to kayak, that lists information about where to go, what the boat launches are like... and had a hard time finding anything, so... I made one!

Recreational Kayaking in Maine

Exciting news to share... and some tougher things to share...

I got a call today for an interview for a job I would LOVE. The interview is Monday so please keep your fingers crossed for me... I am very excited and have a good feeling about it.

In the book, "Conversations with God," it says that we have opposites so that we know the difference... so we have to experience sadness in order to understand and appreciate joy... we have to have anxiety to understand what serenity feels like... or we need the absence of something to then appreciate its presence... it makes sense, philosophically... but doesn't make the hard things any easier...

I am excited about the interview... and the timing is good... I needed something to be happy about... I have been lucky this summer, I have had a lot of time to do the things that I love... have kayaked more this summer than I ever have... but there have been other things going on as well... my friend is battling cancer, fighting for her life... and I am scared for her, terrified... and my grandmother... my grandmother is facing the end of her life... a wonderful life... but it is still hard...

I saw her yesterday... she is in a rehab center, similar to a nursing home... it's hard to see someone you love so much in the situation she is in... Yes, she is surrounded by people who love her... her children and grandchildren... but she is alone in many ways... her hearing is gone, completely.. and trying to communicate with her by writing things down is hard too, because she cannot see very well... her speech is slow and slurred... almost to the point where it makes me wonder whether or not she has had a stroke of some kind... yet she does not seem to have weakness on one side of her body... She has changed a lot since I last saw her in the beginning of July... I walked into her room, having prepared myself a bit to see changes... and saw her sitting there, in a recliner... so fragile... the word that came to mind was 'hollow.' She looked like her body was empty...her eyes sunken... She was happy to see me, but told me up front that she was in a stubborn mood, that she was going to be grumpy. Truth is... at 93...with staff members coming in and out of her room, checking her vitals, trying to convince her to eat food that does not taste good to her, pushing her to do physical therapy exercises with the dangling carrot of being able to go home... I think she is entitled to have some grumpy days...

All of the doctors have said how sharp she is... and she is... she told them all of her family members and friends who have birthdays in August when they asked her if she knew what month it was... She wants to go home, to sit in her recliner and just rest... but she knows that it probably won't happen and she is mourning that loss of independence. The power between parents and their children shifts as the parents get older... children begin making decisions for their parents... and while there have been aspects of my grandmother's life in recent years that have been determined by her children, for the most part, she has remained the matriarch... and her children have listened to her as have her siblings... she has been the leader of our family... and this placement into the rehab center is the definitive exchange of power. She is now at the mercy of those around her... It isn't a pretty way to say it but it is true. That does not mean that the decisions that are being made are not being done out of love for her, they are... but... her control is extremely limited. My aunts have considered having her at their houses... somehow making it work... even bringing her recliner to their houses... I told my Dad yesterday... I don't think it's the recliner she wants... I think she wants to be home... and part of me, the romantic in me, thinks that maybe it's because she feels my grandfather at her house... and she wants to go there to be with him... She would not be content at either of my aunts' homes... no matter how truly welcomed she is...

There is a look in my grandmother's eyes... that is familiar to me... I saw it with my other grandmother... and I saw it with Mom... I don't think she is going to live much longer... I wonder if she needs permission... sometimes people do... and I think if she needs it, she needs it from her kids... as hard as it is... and I know how hard it is to lean into your mother's ear and whisper that you love her and that she doesn't have to keep fighting... that you will be okay without her... and even though Grammie can't hear our voices.. I think her soul can hear us... I believe that...

I want her to go to sleep... to find peace... to be with Grampie... She told me she was glad to see me and she told me that she loves me. And in my heart, I think that is the final time I will hear that from her. It was hard to leave... to say good bye... I had to write it on a notepad... told her I was leaving and that I loved her... and gave her a hug... and that was when I started to cry, so I quickly turned away from her, hugged my aunt and Betty... and walked out of the room, knowing Dad was following me out...

Losing her breaks my heart... even though her life has been amazing and I am so lucky to have had the time with her I have had, that I have many memories of her... but it still breaks my heart... I know what a void will be left behind... especially for her kids...and I worry about my Dad... when we stepped outside we both cried... and we both understand this process of death... and hate its familiarity...

There is an image in my head that has stayed there for many years... When my grandfather died a funeral was held for him along with visiting hours the day or night before.  At some point in one of those two events... my grandmother collapsed.  I remember my aunt yelling out in fear, "We can't lose Mom too!"  I remember my sister running to call 911... and I remember my dad... who suddenly was kneeling beside his mother.. he lifted her upper body into his arms and held her, rocking back and forth... and I am sure he was whispering to her that things were okay... Seeing that moment.. of my father. a big man, cradling his mother who was then 81 years old... was beautiful in a sad way... and it was an image of love... not sure I have ever seen something more tangible that represents love.  When we arrived yesterday to see my grandmother, after I leaned down to hug her Dad followed suit.. and I looked away, consciously... not wanting to see that.. not wanting to remember that... as his goodbye to her...

Today there was a meeting between my grandmother's four children, some of their significant others, the charge nurse,  and the social worker.. to get some questions answered and try to make some plans... there have been some concerns about the care Grammie has received, some inconsistencies that have happened... in that meeting one of the things that the staff brought up was that she has an awful lot of family around, a lot of visitors which isn't always a good thing... it can be hard for the person's roommate and also makes the CNAs and therapists uncomfortable when interrupting a visit to do their job. That's crap. Period. Our family is close and are not going to let Grammie spend the day alone, even if she is sleeping a lot. And given that there are things our family keeps haveing to advocate for or remind people of, like the fact that she can't hear, no matter how loudly you talk... she needs people there...and as far as staff feeling awkward.. if you are professional and are doing your job well in that kind of facility, you should be used to having family members there, welcome that, knowing that the families are often why the patients fight so hard to get batter. For them it's a business... at the end of the meeting a comment was made that most of the people in their facility do not have even one advocate, let alone the number of advocates Grammie has... that usually these kinds of meetings last 20 minutes and today's meeting was over two hours. This is one thing that irritates me... in healthcare and in education... people who work in those fields often forget, somewhere along the way, why they do their job. Hopefully they entered that field to HELP people... not to just do a job. They should be sad that their patients do not have people advocating for them and should act on behalf of that person, as if that person was their own family member.

I am lucky to be a member of a family that cares so much for each other...