Exciting news to share... and some tougher things to share...

I got a call today for an interview for a job I would LOVE. The interview is Monday so please keep your fingers crossed for me... I am very excited and have a good feeling about it.

In the book, "Conversations with God," it says that we have opposites so that we know the difference... so we have to experience sadness in order to understand and appreciate joy... we have to have anxiety to understand what serenity feels like... or we need the absence of something to then appreciate its presence... it makes sense, philosophically... but doesn't make the hard things any easier...

I am excited about the interview... and the timing is good... I needed something to be happy about... I have been lucky this summer, I have had a lot of time to do the things that I love... have kayaked more this summer than I ever have... but there have been other things going on as well... my friend is battling cancer, fighting for her life... and I am scared for her, terrified... and my grandmother... my grandmother is facing the end of her life... a wonderful life... but it is still hard...

I saw her yesterday... she is in a rehab center, similar to a nursing home... it's hard to see someone you love so much in the situation she is in... Yes, she is surrounded by people who love her... her children and grandchildren... but she is alone in many ways... her hearing is gone, completely.. and trying to communicate with her by writing things down is hard too, because she cannot see very well... her speech is slow and slurred... almost to the point where it makes me wonder whether or not she has had a stroke of some kind... yet she does not seem to have weakness on one side of her body... She has changed a lot since I last saw her in the beginning of July... I walked into her room, having prepared myself a bit to see changes... and saw her sitting there, in a recliner... so fragile... the word that came to mind was 'hollow.' She looked like her body was empty...her eyes sunken... She was happy to see me, but told me up front that she was in a stubborn mood, that she was going to be grumpy. Truth is... at 93...with staff members coming in and out of her room, checking her vitals, trying to convince her to eat food that does not taste good to her, pushing her to do physical therapy exercises with the dangling carrot of being able to go home... I think she is entitled to have some grumpy days...

All of the doctors have said how sharp she is... and she is... she told them all of her family members and friends who have birthdays in August when they asked her if she knew what month it was... She wants to go home, to sit in her recliner and just rest... but she knows that it probably won't happen and she is mourning that loss of independence. The power between parents and their children shifts as the parents get older... children begin making decisions for their parents... and while there have been aspects of my grandmother's life in recent years that have been determined by her children, for the most part, she has remained the matriarch... and her children have listened to her as have her siblings... she has been the leader of our family... and this placement into the rehab center is the definitive exchange of power. She is now at the mercy of those around her... It isn't a pretty way to say it but it is true. That does not mean that the decisions that are being made are not being done out of love for her, they are... but... her control is extremely limited. My aunts have considered having her at their houses... somehow making it work... even bringing her recliner to their houses... I told my Dad yesterday... I don't think it's the recliner she wants... I think she wants to be home... and part of me, the romantic in me, thinks that maybe it's because she feels my grandfather at her house... and she wants to go there to be with him... She would not be content at either of my aunts' homes... no matter how truly welcomed she is...

There is a look in my grandmother's eyes... that is familiar to me... I saw it with my other grandmother... and I saw it with Mom... I don't think she is going to live much longer... I wonder if she needs permission... sometimes people do... and I think if she needs it, she needs it from her kids... as hard as it is... and I know how hard it is to lean into your mother's ear and whisper that you love her and that she doesn't have to keep fighting... that you will be okay without her... and even though Grammie can't hear our voices.. I think her soul can hear us... I believe that...

I want her to go to sleep... to find peace... to be with Grampie... She told me she was glad to see me and she told me that she loves me. And in my heart, I think that is the final time I will hear that from her. It was hard to leave... to say good bye... I had to write it on a notepad... told her I was leaving and that I loved her... and gave her a hug... and that was when I started to cry, so I quickly turned away from her, hugged my aunt and Betty... and walked out of the room, knowing Dad was following me out...

Losing her breaks my heart... even though her life has been amazing and I am so lucky to have had the time with her I have had, that I have many memories of her... but it still breaks my heart... I know what a void will be left behind... especially for her kids...and I worry about my Dad... when we stepped outside we both cried... and we both understand this process of death... and hate its familiarity...

There is an image in my head that has stayed there for many years... When my grandfather died a funeral was held for him along with visiting hours the day or night before.  At some point in one of those two events... my grandmother collapsed.  I remember my aunt yelling out in fear, "We can't lose Mom too!"  I remember my sister running to call 911... and I remember my dad... who suddenly was kneeling beside his mother.. he lifted her upper body into his arms and held her, rocking back and forth... and I am sure he was whispering to her that things were okay... Seeing that moment.. of my father. a big man, cradling his mother who was then 81 years old... was beautiful in a sad way... and it was an image of love... not sure I have ever seen something more tangible that represents love.  When we arrived yesterday to see my grandmother, after I leaned down to hug her Dad followed suit.. and I looked away, consciously... not wanting to see that.. not wanting to remember that... as his goodbye to her...

Today there was a meeting between my grandmother's four children, some of their significant others, the charge nurse,  and the social worker.. to get some questions answered and try to make some plans... there have been some concerns about the care Grammie has received, some inconsistencies that have happened... in that meeting one of the things that the staff brought up was that she has an awful lot of family around, a lot of visitors which isn't always a good thing... it can be hard for the person's roommate and also makes the CNAs and therapists uncomfortable when interrupting a visit to do their job. That's crap. Period. Our family is close and are not going to let Grammie spend the day alone, even if she is sleeping a lot. And given that there are things our family keeps haveing to advocate for or remind people of, like the fact that she can't hear, no matter how loudly you talk... she needs people there...and as far as staff feeling awkward.. if you are professional and are doing your job well in that kind of facility, you should be used to having family members there, welcome that, knowing that the families are often why the patients fight so hard to get batter. For them it's a business... at the end of the meeting a comment was made that most of the people in their facility do not have even one advocate, let alone the number of advocates Grammie has... that usually these kinds of meetings last 20 minutes and today's meeting was over two hours. This is one thing that irritates me... in healthcare and in education... people who work in those fields often forget, somewhere along the way, why they do their job. Hopefully they entered that field to HELP people... not to just do a job. They should be sad that their patients do not have people advocating for them and should act on behalf of that person, as if that person was their own family member.

I am lucky to be a member of a family that cares so much for each other...