Anxiety

Two posts in one night? Yes...

I spent most of the day in my classroom... I got to see some colleagues... and am putting final touches on my bulletin boards. I felt pretty good while I was there... but still hoping for enough time to get things the way I want them before the year starts...

I got home around 5:00 and knew if I stayed put I would do schoolwork on my laptop... and decided instead, to go to the movies.  I saw the movie "The Help,"  based on a book I read a couple years ago.  It was a good movie, one I would recommend.  It is crazy to me that people were treated like that... that some people are still treated and perceived as they are... because of difference in skin color.. but that is a tangent for another day...

I got to the movie theater... I went solo.. something I have done many times...I had a bottle of water and some white chocolate covered pretzels hidden in my purse... yes I am one of THOSE people... I am not paying $3 for a bottle of water!  I sat in a seat near the center of the theater and as I waited for the show to start the row filled in, not completely, but enough so that if I wanted to leave for any reason I would have to get by a few folks... I don't like that feeling... I like to know, for whatever reason, that I have a clear exit... I am like that in restaurants too, I like to sit where I am facing the biggest part of the room and like to have a view of the door or at least in the direction of the exit.. not sure why... just do... Anyway... I noticed as I was sitting there that I was fidgeting.  I am not typically much of a fidget-er... and noticed that I was breathing a little faster than I usually do... and realized I Was feeling a little anxious... not the kind of anxious that would make me freak out or leave, but enough to make me wonder if I was going to enjoy the movie...

I realized that I was thinking about school... technically the school year starts for me on Thursday... teacher days this week, then kids next week... but I have a meeting tomorrow, an all day meeting.. the leadership team for the building... last year I was part of the team as part of my internship... and not to sound egotistical, I did a lot for our school.  Re-wrote and published online, our student handbook, began the advisory program and wrote bi-weekly lesson plans for it for our entire staff, created a duty schedule that was fair and kept everyone appeased, presented at staff meetings, created a hard copy of the new schedule that we would be using after the principal had shared it verbally but nobody could picture it to understand what he was talking about... and this spring, created the new schedule we will be using this year... there were a lot of other things too, but these were the bigger things... I participated and did those things because I was completing my internship and think as a principal I would do those things... I got no money for the role I played.  This year I would like to be on the leadership team again, and my ego says that they need me on the team... today I approached the principal and assistant principal and told them while I was sad I did not get the job for which I had applied to be an asst. principal, I was happy to be back at our school with great people.  And that is true, I am... but I know I will be moving on at some point... I also told them that if there was a position available, I would like to once again be on team leaders, but told them that I would not do it without compensation. 

It was a stand I needed to take.  Looking back at the things I did for our school last year, I know my skills are valued.  And I know that not everyone can do things as I do... not that I am amazing at what I do, but I do things in a way that is efficient and user friendly.  I think having the spec. ed. background allows me to create things in a way that people can easily understand... and I know that our building leadership needs the skills that I have.  I also take initiative.  In the meetings as people are debating about how to schedule a professional development day, arguing, wasting time, I create a schedule on my laptop, email it to people and ask them to look at it... and 9 times out of 10, that's what we have gone with...

So where does the anxiety come from? Well... having been in the role I was in last year... teacher and pseudo administrator... was something I really enjoyed... I was able to jump in to situations I would not have otherwise been involved with... I got to observe classrooms and resolve conflict... I got to see things through to the end... in a capacity in which I did not before serve... so now... going back to being  a teacher... just a teacher... makes me wonder if I will feel the same satisfaction I have felt before... and part of me is worried that I will find it less exciting... the quality of my job that I have always loved is that every day is different... and working as an administrator, that was even more true... more plates to keep spinning... maybe that relative I saw at Grammie's funeral, who asked if I was still a busy kid, was right... maybe I am always busy, always need to be busy... even this summer.. doing what I love, kayaking... became something I turned into something else... I created a blog about kayaking where I posted pictures etc... and while taking pictures is something I love to do, especially from my kayak... there was part of me that was cognisant that I was going to be posting them to a website... a website that few people have even seen... so what's the point of it? Is it well done? Yes.  Is it helpful? Yes... but to whom? This blog was searchable via google because I had sent them an email asking it to be... now they have changed their way of communicating with people... there is no wway to email them directly to ask for that any more... so to get a blog to be searchable it has to be viewed often... which happens apparently by networking with people I know...

By the way... the other blog is kayakinginmaine.blogspot.com, if you want to help a girl out!  The more hits apparently the more searchable it becomes! 

Anyway... back to the anxiety... How do I go back to just doing one role? What if I get there and am not happy because I know that it is no longer my first choice for a job? What if I don't give it my all? That's not fair to the kids... Ugh... makes me sick to my stomach...

I know that I am a person that givesit my all when it comes to my kids... (Students)  and whether I am in my classroom or in the office... I know I act in the best interest of my kids... so I just have to go with that... I do think that I want to chat more with the principal and asst. principal... to see if there may be opportunities for me to fill in for them in the office again.. not as part of my internship, but as a way for me to keep gaining experience. 

Well... maybe I should go to bed and try to sleep... I think there is some tossing and turning in my future... G'Night All!