Ups & Downs... Ins & Outs...

Whoa... what a day...

Morning: Up early to get to school to make copies for a 7:30 meeting. Attend and chair said meeting, pushed for what was best for a student despite the politics involved... turned out great... (may change if one boss decides politics are more important.) 9:40 finish said meeting and exhale sigh of relief...enter my classroom and work with kids... then lunch... alone... because my schedule doesn't workout for me to eat with other grownups on Wednesdays....

Post lunch: more work with more kids...planning/organizing coverage and accommodations for yet another week of school wide standardized testing...more work with kids... get yelled at by kid about whom the 7:30 meeting was held... marched his butt to another room and began a conversation... interrupted by teacher about whom the politics were involved in said meeting... teacher acts unprofessionally to and about the student... grit my teeth... have thoughts about kicking that teacher's ass... maintain composure and continue talking with kid who shares that he was treated like that in the middle of class today and he can't handle it anymore... by the way, from my perspective, given the history, his frustration is totally legit... and kid proceeds to fall apart... tears, everything... and this is a tough kid. Get him under control, ask him to trust me enough to get through a couple more weeks when I know things will get better, based on the meeting this morning, but can't yet share that info with said student... he agrees... I give him time to compose himself and in the meantime find another kid to speak with about an incident earlier in the week... he had lashed out at a third student who had spoken poorly about him and his family, including their agricultural livelihood...I told this student I cannot condone his behavior, but that I understood where it came from. Proceeded to engage student in conversation about his family and their livelihood and told him how much I respect how hard his family works and how much pride he takes in it... and his eyes got all teary... and he said lots of people don't get how much work it is... I told him that if he is ever in a similar situation at school to leave the situation and come to me immediately....that I would take care of any issues that other teachers may have with that.... and he smiled and asked me if that offer would still be good when he goes to the high school next year...ummm... don't think that would work.... he then shared with me how people in the farming community look out for each other... that his family is struggling and the economy is bad and he is now on free and reduced lunch... but that one of their farming neighbors left a bunch of apples on their porch yesterday to help them out... and how much he appreciated that... again getting a little teary at their kindness... me...thinking how sweet this kid is.... and how much he understands at his age, how tough things are... and wish he didn't...

School day ends... emailed parent from this morning's meeting to give her a heads up that she may want to chat with her son about his afternoon... and she emails me back thanking me for the heads up and offered compliments about our meeting and expressed gratitude that her son gets to work with me this year, saying she thinks I will help him academically and with his self esteem... awww.... that felt nice.... then talk with one of my assistants about the afternoon and conversations with the kids to keep her in the loop...

Evening: Class... hoping that I can avoid becoming a pirate this fall...meaning I go to that class and want to poke my eye out with a pencil... ugh... but I did spend time contemplating what I should do with/about the way that teacher interacted with that student and with me about that student. That's where the politics get played out... and it is a tricky tricky situation...but... I think this is one of those things about which I cannot bite my tongue.

I like my job - not the politics... but my job... working with kids... HELPING kids... not just with math or reading, but with life... maybe that sounds egotistical.. but I know those two kids felt heard today... and I feel good about that... I need to remember that tomorrow when I confront this teacher...

In the meantime... enjoying a good bowl of chili... mmmmm...

Good or Bad?

So I got to work today and realized that I didn't have my cell phone with me. I panicked. This is the first day since my mom had been sick that I didn't have my cell phone within reach. It was very odd... and distracted me a lot today. My phone was always on, always within reach, as mom's illness progressed. I didn't want to be out of contact with mom, dad, and my sister... not for any amount of time. I constantly found myself feeling my pocket with my hand to reassure myself that my phone was there and often took it out to check for any missed calls that may have occurred if I entered a signal-less area... Since mom has died, my compulsion to have my phone glued to my body has reduced... but having it close still provides some kind of weird comfort. So, the fact that I left my house today, without it...makes me wonder... is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I trusting more in life, that I won't get phone calls that will further rip my life apart or... am I losing my mind, along with my memory?

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans...

So... this whole marathon thing is turning out differently than expected...

I originally signed up as a gesture to support my friend Sara who was trying to muster up the courage to run a full marathon... so I made her a deal... if she trained to run the full I would train to walk the half... and she accepted the deal... and then her husband signed on for this adventure, thinking it would be a great way for us all to get active and be healthier... then I invited my sister to come up and do it because I knew she had been wanting to get back in running mode.... and also invited my friend Suellen, who has been a huge motivator and supporter of me during my recovery from surgery... then through a social networking website, a high school friend, Jaime, mentioned she wanted to do a half marathon, so I invited her to join, with the attitude of 'the more the merrier'... So... that was 6 of us... and as I have been training it has become more and more about me doing it, completing it to prove to myself that my knee is healthy... and I am so excited to finish it and to have that moment of 'I did it...I can do anything!'

I was also really looking forward to having this be a big social thing, a crowded dinner for all of us the night before.... and a lunch out the day of... all celebrating our success and determination...

In August Sara's Achilles tendon ruptured while playing tennis... and I am so bummed for her that her full marathon journey, at least for this race, ended... it made me want to do it more, for her... then.... slowly but surely, her husband's schedule got really busy and his time for long walks disappeared... and a couple weeks ago, he decided he can't do it... I get that. And he noted that the whole point of doing it was to just get us all being active, and it has worked... he has been active and has lost a lot of weight...

So... that put is down to four of us... then yesterday my sister called... she has a great opportunity to attend a training next weekend which will then allow her to be a Zumba instructor... very cool... very very cool... she lives Zumba as much as I do, and has toyed with the idea of teaching it for a while... so I can't be mad about her taking that opportunity... but it would be cool to finish something like this together, sisters... active sisters... but if she is training for Zumba instructing... she, too, is being active... and there are other half marathons...

So... the way that I pictured this in my head has changed a lot... but... that's okay... really what it is about, for me... is doing something I never thought I could do... even before PVNS began creeping into my life... so... even if I do this solo... I will do it... and it will mean a lot to me...

ahhhh...

I bought a new bed today... and also bought some new bedding... waiting for it to finish drying, then I am going to snuggle in and get some sleep...

Passion...

I went to see the movie FAME tonight with some coworkers. The movie was entertaining, though the plot, I felt, was lacking...however it was a beautiful display of talent, pure, raw talent. I know the people in the movie were actors and were portraying kids who were passionate about their craft... but the people in that movie were talented and, acting or not, had passion. Beautiful passion. Their love for what they were doing, wanted to do, was evident and something to behold...

And watching the movie I looked at my life... and wondered... do I have that kind of passion... for anything... do I? I think it's there, somewhere... but, it's hard for me to find right now... Yes, I am passionate about the students with whom I work, and doing things to help them. But... it isn't as strong as I have known it to be... painting... I haven't painted in a long time... I think there is passion... somewhere inside... but it is muted...

I must find a way to turn up the volume... not sure how... but at least knowing I am looking for a way, I feel okay...

...

Missing my mom a lot today...

New picture

I haven't posted pics in a while... this is me, before the 10K... not a great shot, but I wanted to take a picture of myself before my first road race... next year's pic will be better!



Today, the day after my first 10k, was a pretty good day. I ate lunch with the other teachers in my wing... usually I avoid doing that because in the past, there has been a lot of negativity there, but this year it has been better... so far... so.. I joined my peers and there were three of us who had participated yesterday. It was fun to talk about how we all did and how it felt for us. It was nice to hear that people met or exceeded their goals. But I have to admit, there is a part of me that felt less than... for having walked the 10k instead of having ran it... despite lots of praise and support for my good showing, and for being proud of myself... there was part of me that felt like I was not at the same level as those that ran... but... that stems from my own insecurities, I get that... My ego was stroked, however, when one of the women who ran the 10k said that she will never do another 10k, that she will stick to 5k races because she has no desire to go further....and proceeded to tell me that she has no idea how i can even take on doing 13 miles... I reminded her that I would be walking, and she said that didn't matter... that I would be doing it...and she doesn't know how she could ever do it...and that she has a lot of respect for me taking that on.... that's a pretty nice compliment... I really want to finish the half marathon in under 4 hours....

but I have to admit, that I have started looking up other possible races... still only walking though... and am contemplating getting a team together for next year's relay for life... a walk that raises money for cancer... I read about it online last night and it brought tears to my eyes... I am sure it would be an emotional event, but would also be a great tribute to my mom... we'll see how that plays out... for now... I am focused on 13.1....

Trail to Ale

TOday I participated in my first ever road race! It was a 10k or 6.2 mile race. I did not race... but I walked, and finished in 1 hour 45 minutes! I am very pleased with that time.

My friend Melissa was with me, along with her 4 month old son... who slept all the way!

Great time!

Thirteen and counting...

Today I walked 13 miles! It may have been a bit shy of 13, parts of it were hard to keep track of, but, I know if it wasn't 13 miles, it was pretty damn close! This means that I will be able to successfully walk the upcoming half marathon, 13.1 miles, without falling over. I feel very good about that... and better about the fact that I am not in a ton of pain tonight from that adventure... however I think avoiding the high heeled shoes at school tomorrow may be a good idea... and I also think taking a day off from the gym is also a good idea.

Pushing myself mentally and physically today was difficult at times, but I was very proud of myself for doing it. I have never understood why people run marathons... and have often judged those people as nuts or crazy... and while I will never be a runner, I have a new found respect for people who are. Doing something, like a marathon, or for me a half marathon, signifies something... what it signifies, I think, differs for each person. For me, it feels like a giant victory against PVNS. I think each person who chooses to participate in races that involve the need to run, walk, swim, bike, or a combination of those activities, have a purpose for doing so. I know someone who ran a marathon to prove to the world that her body was not broken. At the time I knew it was important for her, but I also didn't get it... but I think I do now... accomplishing this means not only can I do it, walk 13.1 miles, but it means I can set new goals to do more and I will accomplish those as well... I like knowing I can do things that do not come easily.

And... you can guarantee, after the half marathon, I will be getting one of those 13.1 stickers and plastering it onto my vehicle! Oh yeah!

Weekend Update...

It was so nice to have a long weekend... 4 days off... I could do with that every weekend. I slept in a little each day and then tried to be active while also doing some school stuff. Friday I hit the gym and did a mile on the elliptical to warm up and then did my abs and weight training with my arms. Then Saturday, was the big day... I walked 8 miles! Yahooo! In 2 hours and 40 minutes... 20 minute miles... My training schedule for the half marathon dictated this to me... and I was nervous. I wondered how I would hold up, how my knee would hold up. And... I did well, my knee did well... my feet hurt some... but I was much less sore and stiff than I anticipated. Sunday I decided to skip Zumba to give my lower body a break, so I went kayaking. I paddled for almost two hours. Today, should have been a rest day, but I think my rest days will be Wednesdays because I have class those nights and it makes for a long day. So, I went to the gym this morning and walked on the treadmill for two miles in 36 minutes... probably a little quicker than my pace will be for the marathon, but good for training purposes... (probably slow for some people out there, but I'll take it!) Then I went for a bike ride tonight, but only went 3.3 miles... I was supposed to bike the marathon route with a friend so we know what we are walking, but she needed to change her plans... so I went for a solo ride, much less than 13.1 miles... but my body let me know that 3.3 miles was enough... Tomorrow she and I are going to ride the marathon route...

I am kind of excited that I am being so active... I feel good and because I am feeling so good I am eating well too. I have decided on my weight loss goal... officially... by Oct. 1, 2010... I will weigh 100 pounds less than I do today. I think it's do-able... that's about 8 pounds a month... about 2 pounds a week... realistic... It's a process... but I want this... badly. I want to be physically fit! I will be physically fit!

Weight

At school yesterday we had school pictures. Yes, I smiled pretty. On my way to the gym to have my picture taken, I saw many students lined up outside of a small conference room, the door was open. I immediately felt bad for the students who were having their height and weight recorded for their school record, in front of their peers. Granted it wasn't like their weight was yelled out, and the scale was backwards to the rest of the kids, but, still... I felt like it was not a private way for the school to gain that information. Maybe because I was never one of those skinny minnies... but I think it isn't okay.

Weight is such a personal thing. It's something I have been aware of my entire life. I won't say that I have struggled with it all my life, because I don't see that weight loss has been a large focus of my life... but I will say that it has always been in my peripheral vision.

As a persn who has always been taller than my peers, my weight was expected to be higher than the other kids, but, for as long as I can remember, my weight has been higher than it should be. My mom was constantly worried about her weight, and as she was losing her battle with cancer and had to force herself to eat food that didn't taste good to her, she told me several times... don't waste time on worrying about your weight... just eat and be happy... wishing she had spent less time being worried about her own weight. My mom's battle with weight began early. She often spoke of her own mother commenting on her body... and my mom was taller than average as well, but her mother didn't always account for that. My mother often recalled her mother telling her that certain clothes made her look like the broad side of a barn... a phrase that stuck with my mother her entire life... often being critical of her own body and how clothes made her look.

In order to combat that, my mom vowed to never criticize my sister and I for anything pertaining to our bodies or weight. This included not dictating to us what we ate and how much we ate... While I am appreciative of the intention, it had some other implications. I grew up hating vegetables, claiming they tasted like dirt... overate at most every meal, and ate food that was not healthy... hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, chips, pizza, toast, and for snacks... I dug into my mom's low carb stash, cheese and pepperoni sticks...which I combined with carbs, chips bread, etc... so my eating habits were not healthy.

My parents did a great job at making me feel confident about my height, and with that came comfort with my size. I think the first time I remember thinking about my weight/size was after our family had been at a family gathering... my father had said something to me or maybe my sister, or maybe even to mom, about him thinking that we had had enough chips or something for that time. It didn't seem like a big deal to me in the moment, but when we got into the car, my mother was pretty assertive with my father, reminding him that he was not going to dictate what we could eat...

As I grew up I was always bigger than my friends... could never share clothes like other girls could do... and once I started playing sports, I was interested in slimming down to perform better, but I didn't think of myself as fat. Big...not fat...

Throughout my life I have been involved in sports, and do consider myself to be an athletic person. I have had several gym memberships over the years and have been in and out of routines. Despite that, my eating habits were always stronger than my work out habits, and my weight kept increasing.

Prior to PVNS, about 2 years before, I had taken control of my weight. I had lost about a hundred pounds and felt great. I am sure I have shared that here before. Once my knee started hurting, and doctors couldn't give me answers, my activity decreased, my poor eating habits reared their ugly heads, and my weight increased... by the time I was properly diagnosed with PVNS, all of my weight had returned... and since surgery I have been determined to get back to the weight I was at before my knee was bad... but I was very nervous about it... being active worried me. I didn't want to re-injure myself...

I had been doing pretty well being active in the year before my mom died, but it was hard... I was gone a lot, spending time with my family, and emotionally I was drained and it was hard to maintain energy to work out... but since April, I have been re-energized to be healthy... and when I saw my doctor this spring... two years since surgery, and knowing I don't have to go back for two years... I have been working hard with much less fear. Biking, walking, Zumba-ing, etc... I haven't been getting on the scale regularly... mostly because it has been frustrating. I weighed myself in early April and by June I had lost about 15 pounds... which is good, but in July and August, the scale didn't go any lower... I was getting frustrated. Granted, my body has changed, I have toned up and have lost some inches, but I really wanted that scale to change.

Last night at Zumba one of the women in class told me I had lost weight. I was surprised she said that. I was especially surprised because I was next to my good friend who is on the verge of meeting her 100 pound weight loss goal (SOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR HER!) and her weight loss is very obvious. I don't feel like mine is... but it did feel good to think that someone noticed... So, today when I went to the gym, I got on the scale, and was down 5 more pounds. I was happy, put my sneakers on and got ready to work out, but then thought maybe I stood on the scale in a strange way that altered the weight... so I took my sneakers off and got back on the scale... and... it was true!! I am down 5 more pounds... so that makes a total of 20 pounds lost since April... not a fast rate, but... I feel like 20 pounds is a good chunk of weight... and I can now feel like I am in that weight losing mode... less than 20 pounds makes me kind of shrug my shoulders and say, well, that's not a big deal... not when I want to lose a total of 100 pounds... maybe 120... but ... 20 pounds.. for some reason seems like an accomplishment, and I feel good about that.

Losing weight isn't a huge focus for me, but being healthy is... My favorite part of things after I had lost that weight... was being able to DO things... that I wanted to do, without hesitating and wondering IF I had the ability to do it...

Sooo... I am on my way... I haven't thought much about a timeline for losing the weight, setting goals for myself, but... I think I want to do that. I would love to be at my goal weight in a year from now.

I would tell my mom I am not wasting time worrying about my weight... I would say that I am taking time to be healthy, as healthy as I can be.

Bullseye!

The first week of school... well actually last week I started school, but this is the first week with kids. Today I finally got to see my students, most of them at least. It's so interesting to see the kids I worked with last year after summer vacation, they have all grown and seemed excited to be back at school. I also like to meet kids for the first time. I learn a lot about them in a short amount of time.

My opening day activity was kind of cheesy, but I think sets a good tone... I had brought different containers, including a bowl, a cup, a gallon water bottle, etc... and I had the kids try to throw different items into the containers... I had each student stand up, showed them how far back they had to stand, and asked them which container they were aiming for and why... some aimed for the giant bowl because it seemed to be easier and had the greatest chance of meeting with success....some aimed for the cup, saying they wanted a bit more of a challenge... and when directed, one student did try to get a dice into the gallon bottle... in one group, after most of the kids had been given three chances, I had one kid come up and gave him two items to throw, and he looked a little perplexed, but said nothing, then I moved him 2 feet closer to the containers than the other kids had been allowed to get... and the kid smiled... the other kids sighed and said it was unfair. Then one of the kids said, well, he was only given two chances to get it in so it kind of IS fair that he can be closer... that is a cool debate!

This activity leads up to me having each of the kids write a goal for themselves, a personal goal, something they want to accomplish between now and December. Their goals are being written on arrows and will be put on a bulletin board which has two archers and a giant bullseye.... I will have the kids post their goals and as time passes we will check to see if we are getting close to the bullseye... (Partly so that I can keep the same bulletin board until December without having to change it!) I will somehow figure out how to incorporate math into all of their goals as well... they just don't realize it yet!

But the activity also gave us a chance to talk about setting a goal... how to get there... I had each kid explain their strategy to get things into the containers and asked how their strategy changed depending on how successful they were on the previous throw. Which led to talking about how we may not reach our goals easily, that sometimes you have to change how you get there... We talked about fairness... and how sometimes in class I may ask some kids to do more problems or different problems than others, and that it is fair when I do that because I am adjusting things to meet their needs... One girl threw all of her items quickly and returned to her seat... when I asked her about her strategy she was pretty quiet... so I asked her... did you throw them that fast so you could get back to your seat faster... she shrugged... I said... is it hard to be in front of people with everyone watching you, and she said she hated it... so I explained that to reach a goal, sometimes it will be uncomfortable and that it's important to take your time with things... that you will get better results if you don't rush through it or doing something just to do it... and it also provided me with the chance to say that in my class students will be asked to be courageous, take risks, and do some work in front of other kids and that we will work on that confidence... some of the kids were eager to volunteer to jump up and do this activity, that kid raising his hand as high as possible and waving it all around to try to get called on to be the first or next person to try it...

So... I learned a lot about the kids today...which kids seek attention, which kids are self conscious, which kids need a lot of direction, which kids like to challenge themselves....which kids are more comfortable taking the easy route...which kids will stand up for what they believe is fair or unfair... which kids can talk and listen, those who prefer to talk, and those who prefer to listen...I love the psychology this... what makes them tick... I need to know that in order to help them...I am excited to see what goals they set for themselves... and to see how I can help them achieve those goals...

All the political BS that is going on fades into the background when I get to work with these kids... it's still there, still frustrating... but... it's not what is important. The kids are!


On another note... My dad had cataract surgery today...everything went well! I felt really guilty for not being there... I felt like I was there for all of mom's surgeries and felt like I should be there today... and... missing the first day of school was not something I was comfortable with... so I was torn... Dad had made a plan to have his sister transport him back and forth and help him out... and she did, thankfully! (Thank you Donna!) But it was really hard not being there... While I am sure that Dad appreciated his sister being there and helping him... I am sure there was a part of him that felt very alone this morning as he got ready to go... and I am sure he missed mom a lot today... every day... so do I... but... things went well for dad today and I am happy about that!