Weight

At school yesterday we had school pictures. Yes, I smiled pretty. On my way to the gym to have my picture taken, I saw many students lined up outside of a small conference room, the door was open. I immediately felt bad for the students who were having their height and weight recorded for their school record, in front of their peers. Granted it wasn't like their weight was yelled out, and the scale was backwards to the rest of the kids, but, still... I felt like it was not a private way for the school to gain that information. Maybe because I was never one of those skinny minnies... but I think it isn't okay.

Weight is such a personal thing. It's something I have been aware of my entire life. I won't say that I have struggled with it all my life, because I don't see that weight loss has been a large focus of my life... but I will say that it has always been in my peripheral vision.

As a persn who has always been taller than my peers, my weight was expected to be higher than the other kids, but, for as long as I can remember, my weight has been higher than it should be. My mom was constantly worried about her weight, and as she was losing her battle with cancer and had to force herself to eat food that didn't taste good to her, she told me several times... don't waste time on worrying about your weight... just eat and be happy... wishing she had spent less time being worried about her own weight. My mom's battle with weight began early. She often spoke of her own mother commenting on her body... and my mom was taller than average as well, but her mother didn't always account for that. My mother often recalled her mother telling her that certain clothes made her look like the broad side of a barn... a phrase that stuck with my mother her entire life... often being critical of her own body and how clothes made her look.

In order to combat that, my mom vowed to never criticize my sister and I for anything pertaining to our bodies or weight. This included not dictating to us what we ate and how much we ate... While I am appreciative of the intention, it had some other implications. I grew up hating vegetables, claiming they tasted like dirt... overate at most every meal, and ate food that was not healthy... hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, chips, pizza, toast, and for snacks... I dug into my mom's low carb stash, cheese and pepperoni sticks...which I combined with carbs, chips bread, etc... so my eating habits were not healthy.

My parents did a great job at making me feel confident about my height, and with that came comfort with my size. I think the first time I remember thinking about my weight/size was after our family had been at a family gathering... my father had said something to me or maybe my sister, or maybe even to mom, about him thinking that we had had enough chips or something for that time. It didn't seem like a big deal to me in the moment, but when we got into the car, my mother was pretty assertive with my father, reminding him that he was not going to dictate what we could eat...

As I grew up I was always bigger than my friends... could never share clothes like other girls could do... and once I started playing sports, I was interested in slimming down to perform better, but I didn't think of myself as fat. Big...not fat...

Throughout my life I have been involved in sports, and do consider myself to be an athletic person. I have had several gym memberships over the years and have been in and out of routines. Despite that, my eating habits were always stronger than my work out habits, and my weight kept increasing.

Prior to PVNS, about 2 years before, I had taken control of my weight. I had lost about a hundred pounds and felt great. I am sure I have shared that here before. Once my knee started hurting, and doctors couldn't give me answers, my activity decreased, my poor eating habits reared their ugly heads, and my weight increased... by the time I was properly diagnosed with PVNS, all of my weight had returned... and since surgery I have been determined to get back to the weight I was at before my knee was bad... but I was very nervous about it... being active worried me. I didn't want to re-injure myself...

I had been doing pretty well being active in the year before my mom died, but it was hard... I was gone a lot, spending time with my family, and emotionally I was drained and it was hard to maintain energy to work out... but since April, I have been re-energized to be healthy... and when I saw my doctor this spring... two years since surgery, and knowing I don't have to go back for two years... I have been working hard with much less fear. Biking, walking, Zumba-ing, etc... I haven't been getting on the scale regularly... mostly because it has been frustrating. I weighed myself in early April and by June I had lost about 15 pounds... which is good, but in July and August, the scale didn't go any lower... I was getting frustrated. Granted, my body has changed, I have toned up and have lost some inches, but I really wanted that scale to change.

Last night at Zumba one of the women in class told me I had lost weight. I was surprised she said that. I was especially surprised because I was next to my good friend who is on the verge of meeting her 100 pound weight loss goal (SOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR HER!) and her weight loss is very obvious. I don't feel like mine is... but it did feel good to think that someone noticed... So, today when I went to the gym, I got on the scale, and was down 5 more pounds. I was happy, put my sneakers on and got ready to work out, but then thought maybe I stood on the scale in a strange way that altered the weight... so I took my sneakers off and got back on the scale... and... it was true!! I am down 5 more pounds... so that makes a total of 20 pounds lost since April... not a fast rate, but... I feel like 20 pounds is a good chunk of weight... and I can now feel like I am in that weight losing mode... less than 20 pounds makes me kind of shrug my shoulders and say, well, that's not a big deal... not when I want to lose a total of 100 pounds... maybe 120... but ... 20 pounds.. for some reason seems like an accomplishment, and I feel good about that.

Losing weight isn't a huge focus for me, but being healthy is... My favorite part of things after I had lost that weight... was being able to DO things... that I wanted to do, without hesitating and wondering IF I had the ability to do it...

Sooo... I am on my way... I haven't thought much about a timeline for losing the weight, setting goals for myself, but... I think I want to do that. I would love to be at my goal weight in a year from now.

I would tell my mom I am not wasting time worrying about my weight... I would say that I am taking time to be healthy, as healthy as I can be.