Ugh...

It's going to be a long year....

Back to School

It's official...

Today was my first day of school.... a teacher day, but it counts. It is so much more fun to have days with the kids. It's strange, returning to school this year. In some ways I am ready for it... I think the daily routine is going to be great for me, and keep me in a good place of working out and being healthy...but I have really enjoyed this summer and would be okay having that continue for a while. But... I will just need to make sure I make time for fun...

I am nervous about re-starting my graduate classes... I will be taking one class this semester and while I have done this before, I am nervous about it... I think I am worried about seeing people with whom I have taken other classes who knew my mom was sick...and having to face people asking me about her... but it will be okay... I am also more in the mode of being the teacher than being the student. I am looking forward to the kids. However, completing this class will mark a milestone. It will mean that I will be able to be certified as an assistant principal... will I use that anytime soon? Maybe... The politics have already started at my job and it is so frustrating... and for someone who often likes to have control... an admin role may not be that bad... we'll see.

On a different note... on Tuesday, two of my fellow teachers and I went kayaking. One of them had never been before and she loved it. It was wonderful to spend time with them outside of school, doing something I love so much.

Damsel in distress...

Last night I went into Portland for dinner... I was solo, just trying to enjoy the evening, sort of unwinding from the active days with my nephews. I went to one of my favorite spots where I could listen to some live music while sitting outside. It was pretty crowded, lots of tourists. And one lady who really made me nuts.

I think she was sightly buzzed by the time she got there. She was short, petite, blond, wearing a tube top, skirt, high heeled sandals, and had two large accessories... crutches...which due to the two inch heels on her sandals, were about two inches too short... she didn't use them as she walked... just kind of carried them allowing the bottom of the crutch touch the ground every couple of steps...She walked up to the bar and waited for the other people in her party to catch up to her... though why she, the one on crutches was faster than the people not on crutches, I am not sure...) Once they reached her, I noticed she leaned more on her crutches and slightly lifted one of her legs. As the others in her group approached two people left the bar, leaving two barstools open... her husband caringly asked her if she would be okay sitting on one with her leg on the other... and she batted her eyes and said, "Well, are you sure you guys don't mind not waiting for a table... that means you will have to stand up while we're here..." bat eyelashes here.... Of course the dutiful husband told her nobody minded standing around as long as she was comfortable. More of their friends arrived and this woman kind of jumped up to hug them... then, timing it perfectly, slowly sat back down and raised her leg onto the stool, while revealing a small bandage on her knee... seriously? crutches for a boo boo? Damsels in distress... that whole dynamic really makes me nuts. It's a game that women play... some women play. Needing to be saved by someone else... I have seen many women like her who without men around are articulate, intelligent women, but when men are around they do anything to get attention... like pretending to not know how to do things, or being overly drunk, or injured... It makes me crazy.

Is that really what men want? If so, I am going to be single forever... this is more my style:



I have never been one to let others rescue me... and hate it when other women play that game... fight your own damn dragon!

Nephews... round 2!

Sorry for being AWOL on the blog front. I have been entertaining my two younger nephews, ages 7 and 6... they kept me busy! I am pretty exhausted after having them here, but am very glad that I got the chance to spend time with them. I often wish I lived closer to them so that I could see my sister more and spend more time with the boys...since there are a lot of miles between us, this summer tradition has become something I look forward to and the boys look forward to as well. Today before dropping them off with their mom they were already talking about what next year's trip to Auntee's house will be like... which one will get to come by himself and which ones will have to come together... We managed to fit in a lot of fun while they were here... I am posting some pics... of... hitting the beach, a birthday celebration (my youngest nephew turned 6 and we had a party with his parents, brothers, and me!), bowling, lobstering, mini golf, a late night search at the beach for bioluminescent organisms, a visit to a wildlife park, meeting some chihuahuas, and visiting the rocky coast to see some waves crashing.... phew... that's a lot to type, let alone do... no wonder I am tired...

I will write more soon!

Deal or No Deal...

I auditioned for "Deal or No Deal" today... they were in Portland doing a casting call, so I went. Why not? There were a lot of people there... I stood in line for about two and a half hours and met some nice people... The audition consisted of standing in front of casting directors for 30 seconds talking about yourself.... I tried to be witty, fun, and interesting... all in 30 seconds... Ha! Some people in line were so nervous... I didn't understand that... I mean, I went there for the chance to be on the show... if I am not on the show, how does my life change? It doesn't... If I made it on the show and managed to win... then it would change my life... but why be nervous... I wasn't risking anything... sure, it's a few hours of my life I won't get back... but... it's all good! I will keep you posted!

Then after coming home and having lunch I went for a bike ride with my friend Sue... we biked for 12.5 miles. I love having my odometer to tell me how far I go... I am tired...and will sleep well tonight... and am working at the tolls tomorrow... but tonight... relaxation time... there's got to be a cat around here that needs some love!

The question...

In the last few days I have had some of my friends as me the question... how are you doing.... they are not asking me how my day is going ... they want to know how I am doing with having lost my mom.... It's a hard question... because I don't know what normal is... or how I would be acting if I was doing really well or really poorly... I just know how I am doing... and for the most part I think I am doing okay...

I still get sad... think I always will... and I still get mad... also think that will always be there... but I am sleeping, well as long as I exercise hard during the day I sleep, I am not pulling away from people...and I am not over thinking things... for the most part...I find myself worrying about my Dad... thinking about how much his life has changed... and get sad for him, for his loneliness...and I do get sad for me too, for what parts of my life my mom won't be a part of... but it's not all consuming like it was...

There have been some things that have happened that I have noticed myself reacting a lot more strongly than I normally would...and I think it's related to grieving... for example I pumped gas the other day and the machine was out of receipt paper...and the guy working there didn't know how to replace it... so called a manager... who also didn't know how to replace it... and after figuring out how to feed the paper through, couldn't figure out how to get my receipt... and gave me a had written receipt, not even on paper that had the company logo on it... and I was a total bitch to these guys... lectured them on how ridiculous it was that neither of them knew how to replace the paper, how unsafe it is given our society's rampancy of identity theft and fraud... that it was important to get a receipt... I took it to the next level and called the national headquarters of this company and complained to them too.... Am I really that passionate about not getting a receipt? Is it THAT big of a deal? No... Afterwards I was pretty upset that I had let myself get so angry and was so aggressive with the inadequately trained men... that I shed a few tears....which made me more angry... so in my analytical way ... I thought about it... and what it comes down to is that this situation should have been just a problem that had a simple solution... and because there was no solution I was pissed... Mom's situation was a problem that had no solution... and even when the doctors tried to find a solution, they failed... and that sucked... So I think that not having a solution to a reasonable problem pushed a button and I took out my anger on these guys...

So... I think that my emotions will manifest themselves in many ways... and I need to be aware of that... and ask myself if I am really that intense about something or if it is grief manifesting itself.... just what I need... something else to think about and analyze...

So the answer to the question is.... losing my mom has sucked... but given that there was nothing anyone could do to change that... I think that I am coping okay... and my friends who work in the mental health field, have told me that from their clinical perspective I am handling things well... for the most part I am... but I am also good at shaping how people see me... but I am trying, these days, to be more transparent... it takes too much energy to be otherwise...

Back to reality...

Ben left on Saturday and we had such a good visit I had a little withdrawal... he is such an amazing person....

I have stayed busy since he left. I went to see one of my students in a play in Portland on Saturday then met up with a friend for drinks & dinner... Then on Sunday I headed up to visit my friend Meg for a couple days... she had a bbq on Monday evening and wanted help getting ready for it... then Tuesday I walked back cove then did Yoga and Zumba Tuesday night. The yoga class was a new adventure... I had promised my friend Debbie that I would do a yoga class with her... and it was challenging... it takes a lot of strength to do it. I will try it again, I didn't feel like an elephant balancing on a ball like the last time I tried yoga! The zumba class was not with the instructor that had been at my gym... she got done there and I was very apprehensive about that. The Tuesday class was taught by an instructor I had had before, actually the first Zumba class I took around here... and she did okay... not as good as the one I have been attending regularly, but okay... she told us that tonight's class would be being taught by the new instructor... I was a little nervous... I was worried it was going to be slow and boring... I could not have been more wrong... OH MY GOODNESS!!! She worked us hard... a lot of lateral motions... and a ton of things that worked our abs...including lots of hip movements... I think that I am going to be sore tomorrow... very sore...

Next week I am going to try to start getting up early and hitting the gym in the morning... I want to get into that habit before I go back to work... my goal is to go before work 4 days a week once school starts... so I think I need to get my body used to that.

Ben's last day with me... this summer....

Yesterday was Ben's last day with me... for this year's visit. We lucked out with the weather... we finished biking around Peaks Island at 12:20 p.m. and it began raining around 12:30, while we waited for the ferry. Ben really liked this adventure and asked if we could do it again next year, only pack a picnic lunch instead of only snacks next time. Unfortunately the rain kept us away from the beach yesterday. Ben said... it was the first time we broke tradition...every day we go to the beach when he is here...last night we baked a cake and played the board game, LIFE instead... and had lots of laughs.... I will write much more about our time together soon, but for now, I am posting some pics of yesterday's fun...