Resolutions.

Resolutions. I rarely make them... losing weight, being healthy, yadda yadda yadda... been there done that... mom doesn't believe in resolutions... she often says that the only resolution she ever kept was to never make another resolution. Makes sense I suppose. I do hope to be healthy in 2009... and losing weight would be a nice side effect of that. I don't resolve to do anything... but... my goal... is to stay sane, that is if I am sane already...to keep people/things close to me that keep me grounded... this includes my cats... and... to breathe when I get overwhelmed. I have a lot of hopes for 2009... but those things seem to lack priority right now.

I talked with Rico last night. He is on a job and I figured that the conversation would be brief, but we talked for a long time. It was nice. He gets it. What I am going through with mom...in a way other people can't... and I am thankful that others can't... because that means they have not yet had to experience this. But having someone who does get it... well... it's hard to articulate... we can talk about it in a different way...and don't have to say some things because it's just understood. In the midst of our conversation he talked about something that I had written about in my blog... about hating that my future husband and children (assuming they exist) will most likely never meet/know my mom. It hit me hard when he brought it up and the way that he told me that he understood it and knows that in some ways it creates both a sense of urgency in me to find those aspects of my life... and.. a sense of guilt...guilt that those things are a priority for me right now when I feel that maybe they shouldn't be...because my focus is so much on my mom... it hit me... when he talked about it.. because it's stuff that has swirled in my head... and haven't expressed it in that way... it's comforting that he gets it... that someone does.

After talking with him... I had a strange night of sleep... like it was interrupted a lot, yet I felt rested this morning.. but I know that I either had several dreams, was woken up often by the noises around me or the cats, or maybe even woke up several times and sat up... I can't explain it. I woke up a couple of times thinking of my grandfather, my dad's dad... for some reason.

My conversation with Rico was on my mind a lot today too... mostly because he said that he wished he could be helpful... that there was something he could say that was wise or that would make things easier... and said even though it is familiar to him... there is nothing that can be said to make it easier. He said he doesn't think that he is helpful to me... but he is... and I wish I could articulate it in a way that would make him realize that. I am thankful for you Rico and am honored to be one of your 10 friends.

I called my dad this morning... to say hello, to see how he and mom were doing, to see if it was snowing there, and to brag that I had the day off because of the winter weather. I think I need to call less...I know that mom and dad know I am thinking of them... but when I call I am sure that it is a reminder of what's going on... Normally... I talk to my parents often...almost daily... so calling each day doesn't seem abnormal... but... I don't want to be a nuisance either... but... I also need to be true to me and call when I need/want to call.

Balance... maybe that should be my resolution....between dread and hope...anger and forgiveness...intensity and relaxation...and... taking care of myself and taking care of others....

(Image from http://www.listenforjoy.com/art/large/passion4-balance.jpg I think it's a quilt.)