Everyone lives....until they die...

My mom is still in the hospital... she was taken to the hospital because her incision was leaking... doctors were unsure about why it was leaking and what the fluid was from.

Turns out the fluid is a combination of a couple of things. The tumor has ruptured and the fluid needed somewhere to go... so it went to the weakest area of her body...her incision... also... during her surgery in Dec. part of her colon was resectioned and part of that has come undone or is leaking or something along those lines... so fluid from her stomach/intestines/colon, is also leaking into her body and has found the path somehow into the tumor and out of her incision. It's a bad situation. The doctors struggled to speak with us... and told us that they could do more surgeries to try to temporarily resolve some of the issues going on... but the potential for complications was high, very high. Another surgery could possibly fail, could result in mom not surviving the surgery, infections, and would be another incision which would provide another weakened area for things to escape from... the doc said that there was no way to know how mom's body would handle another surgery and that at the very least would result in an additional week or more in the hospital... if things went optimally... and chances were good that she would be back in the hospital within a couple of weeks for similar complications...

The doctor also said... that given the images they saw Friday... they are all amazed that mom has lived this long. They used the word terminal for the first time... and suggested that we speak with someone from the palliative care unit... which is just fancy talk for hospice....

Mom has decided that she doesn't want to go out at the hospital... doesn't want to go out while recovering from another failed surgery.... she feels like she has done enough... she doesn't want to put her body through anything else...period. She wants to get out of the hospital as soon as possible, get home and eat pizza. the doctors have told her that eating solid food may not be an option because the tumor, which has grown since her Dec. surgery, is pushing on her stomach in a way that restricts solids from traveling through her stomach... and have encouraged her to limit herself to fluids...however, given the circumstances, they are letting her make the decisions about her diet... and she has chosen to eat... soups, sandwiches, scrambled eggs... and she WILL have pizza... with bacon, mushrooms, and pepperoni...oh yeah, and extra tomato sauce...

Ironically mom feels better than she has since surgery. The leaking fluid has decreased the pressure that the tumor was placing on her and she is more comfortable ... so even though physically, inside she is worse... she feels better... kind of a cruel trick...but kind of a gift all at the same time.

So... we are moving into the hospice part of this process... which is interesting... Rico had forewarned me that certain things would happen... and they have... for example... now that everyone agrees that mom is dying... and that she is not going to do any radical procedures to 'fight' anymore... she is eligible for medications that are otherwise not offered... her pain medication will now be given in a liquid form that she holds under her tongue and is effective within 15 minutes... instead of a pill that she has to try to swallow and that may upset her stomach... why was this not offered before? Also... she has now been put on something for nausea... it's a cream that she rubs into her wrists to reduce nausea... was never offered until now... even though nausea has been one of her most intense symptoms through all of this...

Nuts...

One thing that my mom has said to several medical staff during this hospital stay is... "Well... everyone lives until they die." I'm telling you... my mom still has her sense of humor... still thanks people for her care at the hospital... even thanked the doctors who verbalized her death sentence to her... she hasn't thrown any tantrums... hasn't hit anyone or threatened to... and as upbeat as that saying is... it annoyed me that she could be so upbeat... in a way... and also hit my sister in that way too, so we started a new game... sayings that we can use instead of 'everyone lives until they die...' so far we have come up with... everyone's clothed until they are naked... everyone's hungry until they are fed... and a couple that I just can't mention here...

So far there has been no violence through all of this... though dad wants to smash something...sis wanted to break plates... and well...I wanted to... hit a doctor...

On Saturday a surgeon came in to check on mom... he was not either of her surgeons... but was covering for one of their offices... so he came in an started asking questions about mom's status... and it made me feel like he had no clue what he was walking into... so I asked him if he knew what was going on and he assured me he knew her history, but then asked more questions that made me KNOW he was full of shit. He maybe knew that mom had a surgery to try to remove a tumor but he obviously did not know the results of the tests that had revealed what was currently happening... but he tried to make us believe he knew what was going on... so mom asked about increasing her diet from clear liquids to full liquids and this guy hesitated... I was proud of mom when she advocated for herself when he hesitated... she said that her regular doctor had told her that she would be progressed during the weekend... and this guy stalled by asking if he could examine her... and then after we told him the results of the tests he hemmed and hawed and tried to tell her what was going on inside her body.. and we didn't let him talk to us like we didn't know all that... we interrupted him... then he shared the risks of full fluid diet and solid foods... we all started to jump in and say... look asshole... we know what's going on... and we know what the doctor...the REAL doctor told us.. and you don't know your head from your butt so back off... (maybe we didn't use those exact words...) Mom ended up saying something along the lines of, "Well Dr. Going-to-get-my-daughters-foot-up-your-ass, I don't have much time left and while you may have control of what I eat at this hospital I AM going home in a couple days and I WILL eat pizza!" and he said, "Well I guess I am not going to deny you but I think that it is unwise."... but said he would change the orders...and practically ran out of the room. Good Riddance!

After that...I shared with my family that I had promised Rico, who never actually hit any of the medical staff who cared for... maybe 'cared for' is the wrong phrase...the medical staff who oversaw her medical treatments...anyway...I promised him that given the opportunity to lodge my foot up one of their asses, I would do it... for me, for him, for my mom, and for his mom... so... that doctor left in the nick of time...

I am relieved that mom and dad have opted to go the hospice route... While the circumstances are not going to improve... they will have much more control over how things unfold... and... accepting hospice... means that you are accepting that you are going to die... but it also means that you are going to die...with dignity... something I don't think can be provided in the typical hospital setting.

So yes, my mom is dying... but she is also still very much living... very much...

I am sure that I will write more about all of this as I process it and as things unfold... and as my heart breaks more for my dad than any of us in this scenario... but... for now... today... I am thankful that mom is feeling better...thankful that my dad is happy to see her feeling better and seems more at ease... and am thankful that they are welcoming hospice into the equation... I think it will start to bring some peace to them...and to me...

I hate that I am losing my mom... that my life, dad's life, my sister's life...the lives of our other family members and friends will be changed forever... and I am angry... but I am also tired... very tired... and am coping... detaching at times... crying my eyes out at times... trying to find humor at times....but I am coping... I am living... living while mom is dying...