Body Betrayals...

Given all that my mom has been going through, I have often thought about how her body has betrayed her... on several levels. Not only has the cancer aggressively established itself in her abdomen, it has caused her to not have control over some of her bodily functions. I have had a lot of empathy for her... more so over the last few days. I got hit with something... the flu... or bad seafood... or something... on Friday night and the weekend was not a pleasant one. I am actually home from work today because of it... which is crazy because this would have been the first day back to school after vacation and I hate not being there... but I had no choice. When I was up at 2:30 this morning, again... I decided that I needed to stay home. Crazy. How our bodies can just override our minds... how it can totally take over is amazing... our bodies do so many things that are not even in our consciousness... that I guess it makes sense that sometimes we become acutely aware of things that our bodies do... This weekend has definitely resulted in thinking even more about my mom and what she goes through. I am exhausted... and I have more ability to endure such things... so I can't imagine how exhausted she must get.

My mom is home from the hospital... has been home since Dec. 26. There was a noticeable difference in my dad's stress level once they were able to get out of the hospital. Granted, he was exhausted, but being at home somehow makes things better. For one thing, mom was able to rest undisturbed. I have only spoken with my mom twice since leaving them at the hospital on Christmas day, but have talked to dad 1-2 times a day. Dad does see small improvements with mom since surgery, but it is a slow process... very slow.

People are trying to help... asking what they can do to help... and it's hard to know what to say... people's first instinct is to bring food... which is helpful, but mom's appetite is so small that too much food results in dad overeating or the food going to waste... thankfully, one of their friends has kind of been leading the food situation and dad has been honest with her and said how much it is appreciated, but that they can't eat a lot of food right now... so I think so far it's ok... another way to help is that mom's friends have been coming over to sit with mom while dad runs errands. Dad is uneasy leaving mom alone right now... and I can't blame him. So it's nice that people come over to put his mind at ease. I am so proud of him for asking people to do that.

I have a lot of guilt. For living three hours away... for not being the person with mom while dad runs errands... for teaching and coaching while she is having such a hard time... for needing to teach and coach to distract myself... I am heading up there again soon... not this coming weekend, but the following weekend...then most likely will spend most of my Feb. vacation there. I feel better having a plan of when I will visit, but it just doesn't feel like it's enough.