Control...

Issues of control, or lack there of, have been in my mind a lot... SOOOO many things are out of my control...and those things really upset me... I think that I am handling things well...considering. I have noticed changes in my desire to socialize... I want to be around people, except when I don't want to be around people... but when I am around people, I want it to be people who are close to me... who will understand if I am zoning out for a minute or two in my own world without drawing attention to it or asking where my head is... they know where my head is... and know that things with my mom are so much in the forefront of my mind... they get that I may want to talk about it at times and other times I just want to be... Last weekend I had been invited to a hockey game and at first I was hesitant to go... but when I learned that a couple of the people who had been invited were unable to attend, I wanted to go... because it meant that it would be me and two of my good friends... and that is totally in my comfort zone right now. So I went and had a good time...

For a while my knee made me feel like I had no control over what my body was experiencing and I resented that so much... and when I got the great news last spring that I was PVNS free I was so excited... until my foot started bothering me and then I was angry... now I have taken care of my feet issues... the new orthodics are great!... and my knee is good... so I have no more reasons for keeping the weight on my body that crept on as my knee got worse over the years... So I am going to take control of my body, of my choices... and work out...eat well... and be healthy... these things I CAN control... and I need reminders of that...

Today was an encouraging start... I did just over two miles on the elliptical machine... in 30 minutes. That is a much slower pace than what I used to be able to do, BUT... it is the most I have done on the elliptical in... well... maybe since before knee surgery.

After the elliptical machine today I stretched and did some weight training with my arms... while stretching I looked at my scar on my knee...I know that it is there... but some days it stands out to me more than others... today as I looked at it... I could see that it is fading... it is still VERY noticeable and I am sure people still react to it...but for me, I know that it is fading... maybe I should think of it as healing... deeper healing...

I think I could use some deep healing these days... and I think that I need to help my body and mind as much as I can... in the ways that I can control.