Closing up shop?

I have not been using this blog as much as I used to... and I almost feel that this blog, under the PVNS umbrella, has run its course... I hope my journey with PVNS is over.... I just completed some information for research about pvns and it was a difficult process for me.  I am glad that there is research being done and hope that there are medications that can help people with pvns... There have been some times over the last several months where I was scared that PVNS had come back... and since I am a bit stubborn and have not gone to see a doctor about it I can not say with 100% certainty, but... I don't think it is back.  I have found that being more active brings relief to the pain and stiffness I was feeling.  I think I have arthritis... well I know I have arthritis in that knee, my doctors told me that the last time I saw them in Boston, but I think it has worsened... and know I need to be active in order to keep my knee as healthy as I can... Providing information for the research team brought some intense emotions to the surface and while I am happy to participate, it also felt like I was giving pvns power in my life again, and I didn't like that feeling.  In a way, made me want to distance myself further from pvns... I am grateful for the connections this blog has brought me as well as the support... it has been a place for me to process many difficult things in my life and I thank you all for indulging me over the years...

I am considering starting another blog, one that is more related to my life, as a homeowner, as an assistant principal, as a daughter, sister, niece, friend, etc... but it will likely not be a blog that will be 'open to the public'... as I don't feel the need to be available to people as a resource on something like PVNS... I need to find a way to get this blog published into a hard copy, for myself, to have... and will keep it up for a while longer and as I figure out my next blogging steps will see if I can keep the posts related to pvns, but maybe remove some of the other things...

So... loyal blog readers...thank you... for those of you who are my friends and family outside of the virtual world, if you want to have access to another blog (should I decide to do one) let me know...

in the meantime...Be well... be happy! 

Home Sweet Home

I am not sure exactly what this post will entail... I have been thinking... a lot... about a lot...  home ownership and its meaning... about women... our amazing strength for so many things in our lives and our, almost universal, insecurities... about men... as it relates to relationships... about work and the new challenges and new possibilities.. and summer... and how much I love living in Maine... That's a pretty wide variety of topics... yet somehow they are all related in my life these days...

Home ownership... I guess I will start there... I have been in my house just over two months... and have worked hard to make it home... well maybe that isn't true... I haven't really worked at making it feel like home... that happened quickly... being here has felt right from day one...from the moment I looked at this house I felt like it was supposed to be mine... My decor fits here... I fit here...There has been a lot of work put in to the house to get settled... maybe that's a better way to put it...  I have had a lot of help getting things done here... and adding some very special touches... like stained glass in one of my windows... Dad and Betty helped with a lot of things here... my friends have helped me too, encouraging me  and being so happy for me.  My sisters... have been so happy for me and have been so supportive... and even friends of my family have helped and been happy for me... people, almost everyone who has come here...have said, "This house is so you..."  At first I wondered about that a bit... but as I think about it, as I look around as I type this... they are right... this place has character... it fills with sunshine even on dreary days it feels light here... I have had some family members here and it feels so good to have that... and I will have my nephews again soon and will create more memories here with them.  Many friends have been here and I look forward to having more gatherings, more girls nights, and much more love and laughter here... I was very excited recently that two of the women in my life, who I adore, were able to make time in their schedules to come here for dinner.  They came by and we spent time outside on my patio having some beverages and talking... and when we got rained out we moved the party inside and had great conversation.  They are, in so many ways, so strong... and so smart... I am very lucky that the people in my life are so smart... they are beautiful... for who they are, what they love, how they care for people in their lives... I love them.  They are both athletic, in my mind skinny,  and physically beautiful... our conversation that night covered many topics... including body image... I was in awe...because they both are unhappy with their bodies... I am overweight, and while I know it is something I need to work on, I do not obsess about it or feel badly about it... they are thin, I think that they are smaller than I was when I was a kid... and they feel badly about their bodies... we spent a lot of time talking about it... and it made me feel lucky... to be as happy with myself as I am... I do have some insecurities, of course, we all do... but I am not going to not wear a bathing suit because of worrying about my appearance... the timing was interesting because recently when I have bought clothing I have been staying away from dark drab colors which is or has been my pattern... I have been buying bright colors... and choosing clothing that in the past I would not have considered... I have a couple of dresses that I really like...and while I am not sure if they are exactly right for me, for my body, I have worn them and feel good wearing them... my friends and I talked about how there are some women that we see who look amazing no matter their weight or clothing choice... and we all agreed that it was not their clothing or body that made them look amazing.. it is their confidence... and we all agreed to try to have a bit more of that... a day or two later a similar conversation came up with another friend... who has been battling some of her own demons... relationship stuff... body stuff... and she shared that she had recently spent time with a friend she had when she was in college... he had asked if she was okay because she had...'lost her sparkle'... the sparkle she had when she was in college.  And she has decided that she is going to get it back... we too talked about confidence... she said that she feels that her confidence has been shaken a bit in the last couple of years...as she endured some difficulties... those struggles dulled her shine... and it is time for her to polish herself to let that light shine through... Since then... I have been observing people, women really, and the confidence, our confidence is our power... I really believe that women do not have to be beautiful in the way that society and the magazines dictate to be beautiful... the women who have struck me as most beautiful... rarely fit those societal parameters... the women who I identify as beautiful have an energy or aura about them... not arrogant, not aware that others see them as beautiful... but those who seem the most content with who they are... fast forward..or maybe it's rewind.. back to the house... something about having this house makes me feel more content... another friend...who believes in a lot of metaphysical stuff... especially energy... has told me my energy has shifted since being at the house... she says I am settled and content... and recently I went out on a date... after reluctantly posting a profile for online dating in which I said I am beautiful...not because of fitting into the stereotypical definitions of beauty but because of who I am, what I believe in, what I do and how hard I work at the things in my life I find important... which as I posted it felt arrogant to say, who says they see themselves as beautiful? but then... I thought about all of my female friends who are beautiful... who come in all shapes and sizes and I classify them as beautiful because of who they are, what they believe, and how hard they work at things... so I decided that posting it on an online profile would be posting my truth... Anyway... I went out on a date... with a man from the website... and after we spent quite a bit of time together he said he was impressed with the fact that I seem to have my life together...... and he hasn't called since... he may... or he may not... either way that's okay... It was a nice compliment to receive.. So... I also said that men and relationships with them has also been on my mind.. but I think I will keep that one percolating for a while longer... it's one of the things I contemplate here and there... and sometimes while I am kayaking.. which I got to do yesterday... with a woman who is originally from Belgium.  Her life story is very interesting... left her home at age 15 and had been on her own since.. has lived in the US for almost 30 years... and has lived in so many places here... she was so grateful for the chance to kayak with me and see the beauty Maine has to offer.  It was fun to show her... That's how I spent my day yesterday, on the water... and was happy to have a quiet uneventful 4th of July... until I came home... I opened my door with arms filled with a few groceries and heard a ticking sound... a sound that caused confusion and then I realized that ticking was water dripping... not good.  Water had leaked from my upstairs bathroom down through the floor and was dripping out of the ceiling in my kitchen and bathroom on the first floor.  Not good.  I did say some choice words, but to my surprise, did not freak out, cry, or panic... I just did... turned off the water, cleaned things up and then called dad for advice... and remained calm... what other choice did I have? And then... after that... I had to plant some raspberry bushes that a family friend had brought by... she had soaked the roots in water and I knew that they should be planted sooner than later... and the date I mentioned before, had told me that the best time to plant was on dreary days or when it was slightly raining... so yesterday was perfect for that... so I went out and planted them... it was a lot of work... I had to dig up some of my lawn... which is hard work... but got them situated... I am very excited to have raspberries....I love them... so next year I will have strawberries, rhubarb, and raspberries!  I also recently planted some pepper plants and tomato plants... the friend who dropped of the raspberries had sent me a note saying how much I have done here and how beautiful everything looks.  The plants (except for the tomatoes and peppers) are all plants that take care of themselves.. and are low maintenance... I like that... I will have to replant veggies each year and sunflowers... but... so far I am enjoying that. 
Despite the water damage yesterday... I love my house... love owning this home... and feel like this home has helped me find my own sparkle again... and to be happy in a way I have not yet had in my life...
I love sharing my home with my family and friends and look forward to sharing it with more friends and family! 

Another Graduation

It is hard to believe that it is graduation season... again... Today I watched my students receive their diplomas...I remember most of the conversations I have had with them over the years since becoming their assistant principal... In every group of graduates there are kids who have overcome... this group is no exception.  I watched nine kids get their diploma who did so knowing one of their parents wasn't there because they died before being able to witness this milestone in the lives of their children... I watched two of my girls graduate with their class despite people expecting them to have dropped out because they each had a baby when they were 15...mothers, at 15, and busted their asses to graduate in four years!!!  I watched students who were not born in this country... who have had to learn the language and culture here and who have succeeded in meeting the same demands as their peers... I got to see students who, despite having two parents in their lives, have done this ALL on their own... I saw kids for whom school appeared to be easy appreciate the struggles of the kids sitting next to them... I saw kids who have been and will be loners... I saw a son of immigrant parents fall into their arms after the ceremony and who stepped in to translate for them as I congratulated them and told them what a nice son they have raised...I saw kids who I saw in my office almost daily... and some who never set foot in my office... and they graduated... As I shook their hands and got huge hugs from some... I had a huge sense of pride... I have always been a cheerleader for the underdogs... Some of them I wish I had known better... One girl today, gave me a HUGE hug and thanked me so much for reaching out to her, that I had helped her, she said... I met her, officially, for the first time in my office, about three weeks ago... and asked her about her attendance and my concern that it had dropped off and I was concerned that maybe she was being made to feel uncomfortable... ( a little birdie had told me as much) ... and she told me she was fine... but that there were a few people in one of her classes who always use their phones and she had anxiety about what they may be doing with their phones... worried they were taking pictures of some of the kids in her class and posting them online, on social media, making fun of them... she told me she isn't their subject... that she is off the radar enough ... but that others are not so lucky... Our conversation was maybe 8 minutes long... and since that day she has gone out of her way to say hello to me, and smiled across the halls and cafeteria... and today she thanked me.... What I will tell her, somehow... probably a note I will mail... is that it is me who needs to thank her.  She brought something to my attention that I had not thought about... cell phones in classes... Yes, I have thought about kids using them in classes when they are supposed to be working or paying attention... but I had not thought of the angst the use of cell phones cause the other students in the room... the fear or worry that other kids are being made fun of online... the fear or worry that they are being made fun of online... the underlying anxiety that can make kids as uncomfortable as the kids who are outwardly picked on... and it is something I need to change... so her gratitude...was humbling to me... It was a reminder that I need to reach out to more kids... she is quiet, painfully shy, and I believe that a short conversation with me, concerned for her well being, meant a lot to her... what about the kids I didn't get to? what if I had?  And... I am reminded how much these kids teach me... every group of graduates... have their stories... for some of them I get to play some kind of role in those stories... some, I am sure, see me as the villain... while others, I believe see me as a parent... There are so many kids... kids who need someone... someone to believe them... to believe in them... to hold them accountable... someone they don't want to disappoint... I am grateful that I get to play those roles... they break my heart at times... worry me sick...keep me awake at night... but on graduation day... I get to be proud... of who they are, what they have done... and for the few who didn't make it across that stage today... I will keep pushing... to take next steps to get to where they want to be... my job with them is not yet done...

Birthday, graduation, and mother's day... Oh my!

Mother's Day...
In previous years...in the years since mom died, I have often used Mother's Day as an opportunity to kayak...to do something that Mom and I did so often together... and it has been a way for me to really take time to acknowledge the day and what it is about...
Of course Mother's day is different for everyone... for me it is about family... and about remembering and missing my mom.  I am fortunate that my family is in a place where we have Betty and Jacey in our lives... and something that is so beautiful about it... is that today after giving Betty her Mother's Day cards... she loudly thanked Mom for making us (Me, Sis, and Dad) who we are and for teaching us to have so much love... to have someone like Betty, in Dad's life, in our lives, who not only tolerates our discussions of Mom.. but embraces and encourages them... is a gift.  I think it is rare... and I treasure it. 
I did not get on the water today, though I could have.  This morning I woke up to my house being filled with my family... Dad and Betty were here (they got here Thursday night) and Sis and the boys were here... (Jacey stayed at her place not too far from here.)  I loved having everyone here...in my house... Dad was the first person up... he got the coffee maker going and headed outside to 'get some air'... something he thinks there is less of in southern Maine than northern... I got up around 6:30 and realized I needed to run to the grocery store because my plan was to make waffles and quiche for breakfast and I did not have milk... I will say that at 7:15 on Mother's Day morning the grocery store is filled with men of all ages buying cards and flowers... go figure!  It was nice to make breakfast for everyone... to have some time together before everyone left...
I should probably share, to contextualize, that it was a family filled weekend.  Friday was my birthday... and it was mom's birthday too.  Birthdays have gotten a bit easier since she died... but... it's such a bittersweet day... My connection with Mom is one that I miss and continue to crave... with so many good things going on, I wish I could tell her all about it, sit with her and just talk... kayak with her again... hear her sing to herself... see her smile and hear her laugh... This was a big birthday for me... I turned the big 4 - 0!!   Mom would have been 63...
I ended up taking the day off from work.  I had scheduled the furnace people to be here to clean the furnace and originally Dad had said he would come down and be here so I didn't have to worry about it... but... knowing there were still things I wanted to get done here... I opted to take a personal day.  I am glad I did... It was a great day with Dad and Betty... we all puttered... I got my screens installed in my sunroom...how could people have that kind of space and NOT have screens? It has been so nice to be able to open the windows and get some fresh air in there!  Betty gave me such a huge gift... she transformed one of my windows from this...

To.... THIS: 

I LOOOOOOVE it so much!  Growing up we would visit my mother's uncle and his wife... and they had a stained glass window and I loved sitting on their stairs and looking at the way the glass and the light accented each other... and now... now I have a stained glass window!  I am truly making this place my home and this adds to that process so so much... I am so appreciative!  

Dad and I stayed busy too... we went to pick up something one of my students made for me... something that we were told weighs probably 1000 pounds... 

A fire pit... made in the masonry program by one of my students... we did not get a chance to use it this weekend, but trust me, I am breaking that thing in soon!!!  Dad had brought down his trailer and the school where it was made loaded it onto the trailer... and I wasn't sure how dad and I would get it off... we needed to make sure that we did so without hurting ourselves.. not an easy feat... and I am sure there would have been much more practical and safer ways.. but... we put some straps around it while it was in the trailer on the back of dad's truck... and hooked those straps to my truck... and well... I hit the gas and we got it out... and it is not going to move... ever! 
Dad also managed to hang a sign that another student made for me...

That is a perfect sign for my garage! 

Friday night we went to see Jacey at a ceremony held by her program to celebrate their graduation from their masters program.  She had finished in December, but the fanfare was this weekend.  The ceremony was a bit long and boring, but it was good to support her.  I heard from many friends that day... and on our way home from that, I got another bday gift... I heard that a book I am working on is likely to be published next spring!  A book about kayaking and Mom would LOVE it!  Maybe it was mom's way of giving me a little nod...
Saturday Dad and Betty went to the graduation ceremony for Jacey and I waited at the house for Sis and the boys to arrive... wow have they gotten TALL!!! (Where would they get that from?) 

Ben is only like 2 inches shorter than me!!!  he is 15 and is about 6'4!!!  The biggest difference was in Jack... He is easily 5'10 or 5'11... and he is in 7th grade!  They were so excited to get here and see the house... the boys raced through looking at every room.  I think I got their stamp of approval.  Jack kept saying it was so much bigger than the condo I lived in... it isn't THAT much bigger, but feels like it.  They brought me a birthday gift.. gardening supplies including sunflower seeds... 3 packages of them, all varying heights... so we decided to plant them... (plus I had a package too as my plan was to plant some in front of my fence so that the late summer would be brilliantly yellow!!) 
Jack and Davin helped me plant them.. plant them ALL! 

It is a long fence.. (it's my neighbor's fence that separates our yards...)  and there will be a ton of sunflowers!!! I may be known as THAT sunflower lady!  I can't wait!  We also planted some cucumbers and spaghetti squash... in with the strawberry plants that are already growing! 

This is my small garden... The garden gnome was part of the bday gift...and Davin thought that was the best place for it... to protect the garden... I hope to get some good berries and cukes! 
We had some good food for lunch and had a bbq for dinner for those of us who are not fans of seafood... and for those who are... they had some mussels, clams, and lobstah... some had a combination of both.  By the time we were done with dinner it was too late to break in the fire pit... so may have to wait until next weekend to do that! 

So... this weekend was so full... of love, of family... or projects... and celebration... I really am lucky... and I really continue to miss Mom on these occasions...

I am glad there is a day for people to take time to recognize their mothers... but it is so hard for those who have lost their moms... I think of my friends who are in the same situation... some lost their mom's more recently... but no matter how long it has been... it is hard... I especially think of Sis of course... Rico... Jill... Debbie... sadly there are others too... but the bond I share with these people about the loss of a mother... is something I cannot describe...
Rico is spending some time in his mom's town... and he is happy to be there alone... I am happy he is there... happy he is taking time he needs to 'be' with her...

I also need to recognize this mother's day... the people who want so much to be a mother (or a father) and have not yet been given that gift... and also need to recognize the people who mother other people's children... either professionally or personally... I do not have any children... but often feel like I parent the kids in my school... and I am grateful for that opportunity...even on the hard days...  also thinking about a friend of mine for whom the mother child relationship is not easy right now... she will hang in there and it will eventually be okay...

I hope y'all enjoyed Mother's day...  and hope that if you have people in your life who are... motherless... that you took a moment to recognize that... not in a big way or a public way necessarily... but just acknowledgement...

It was a great birthday/mother's day weekend... I do wish I had gotten a chance to 'be' with Mom today, the way Rico is with his mom tonight... but I will have time on the water soon... I did get out last weekend... in anticipation that the time may not get carved out to do it this weekend... and it was a great trip...

9 Days and counting down!

There is little my mind thinks about these days besides my house... as the closing date and the move date get closer I find myself exhausted... I think from thinking about it... I have done a lot to get ready for the move... packing, more packing, and even more packing.  I have a very good plan for the transition...
The closing will be on a Monday, in the morning... after a final walk through... and once I have the keys (And a huge amount of debt!)  I will go tot he house and go inside... and I am pretty sure I will have a moment... so many emotions that will surface... pride... I am very proud to be doing this on my own... gratitude... because I am not really doing this on my own... I have amazing support in my life... people who have and will continue to encourage and help me.... happiness... about having a place I can really call home... fear... this is a big undertaking and I have so much to learn about home repairs, snow blowers, and lawn mowers... and other things I don't even know I don't know yet... and... I am certain there will be a moment, or perhaps a few, of grief.  While this is such a big thing for me, such a positive thing... it has also made me miss Mom... which I do every day, but this magnifies that... there are events in life that I always thought mom would be a part of... and buying a home is one of them.   Whenever my sister or I would move to a new place Mom would say she couldn't wait to visit us because she needed to SEE where we were... she said until that time, she pictured us kind of just floating out there somewhere... and as many people know, when you move, it doesn't feel complete until your people spend time in your new space... Mom never visited me here at this condo or at the apartment I was in before this place... and she won't get to come to my house...

The people that know me well will not be surprised that this is bringing some of my emotions to the surface... and I wish, if even for a minute, Mom could be there… I know there will be so much excitement as I move in and as I get settled and as the people I love help me do that… but I will also take time to think of her and how she would love the natural light… how she would be singing as she was helping me get settled…I will think of her as I unpack certain things... and as I get some of my decorations up... like the daisy poster I bought... which I need to find a frame for... So I know her presence will be there in ways... but it is emotional for me... 

I am also very overwhelmed... in a good way, by the love and support that I have gotten and continue to get about the house... Dad has been a huge help... and has a daddy do list for when he comes down to help... Betty is so willing to jump in and help and is so excited and encouraging... and I know she will do so much to help while they are here... (I do not yet have a Betty do list... but maybe it will involve keeping us fed!)  Jacey has volunteered to help me clean the house the day I close and help me take over a few loads of things I don't want to box up or things that are fragile... and Sue and Mike are going to help me Monday night, Mike is going to unhook my dryer and washer... then on Tuesday Suellen has taken the day off!!!  She wanted to be around while the movers are around to help me stay calm and do whatever I need help with... which may mean doing some cleaning at the condo... and Mike is going to hook up the washer and dryer so I can use them as needed... then Wednesday Dad and Betty arrive!!!  I am hoping to have the condo cleaned by then... I do have one task I need dad's help with before I turn in my keys.. but am really hoping that once Dad and betty get here I will be done with the condo!  Maybe I will plan on coming to the condo that morning and clean until they get here and what I get done in that time is what will get done!  Somewhere in there my bedroom furniture will also be delivered and assembled... and then... it's all about settling in!  I can't wait... 

So for those people who will be with me during this crazy time... if I forget to say thank you... I will say it here THANK YOU... even though those words seem inadequate for how I feel... 

Love you all!!!

Two weeks!

Two weeks... and I will be a home owner!  WHAT??!!  Yup!!!  Yahooooo!!!

16...

I am going to be 40 soon...
I haven't thought much about it... but on the way home today had a thought.. one that freaked me out a bit...
when I turn 40... that is only 16 years younger than mom was when she died...

16 years...

that's not long...

not that I plan on dying at 56... but... wow... 16 years younger...

she was so young when she died... I hope I can avoid cancer and be healthy for years to come... more than 16...

Before 40

The process of buying a house is... well.. daunting...
to continue with the Ally McBeal theme from yesterday... one of the last episodes I watched last night was when Ally bough a house.. and there was a moment where she is defending her choice... to a friend who said something about buying a house was something people are supposed to do as a couple...well... obviously needing to have a husband is not a requirement for getting a mortgage... I have considered myself an independent woman for as long as I can remember... I dislike the women who play the damsel in distress role... but I had always envisioned buying a house with a husband...

In recent years a couple of my female friends have bought homes on their own... and I admired it... and started thinking about buying a place of my own... that's where the home ownership process begins... dreaming... I gave a lot of thought to what kind of home I would want to buy... and originally, I told myself that as a single woman, it would make most sense to buy a condo... a place where the grounds were kept... snow removed... but after renting a condo and seeing a bit of how the association is run and hearing other people who have had terrible experiences with condo associations...  and I fell in love with the idea of not sharing a wall with anyone... to not have to deal with parking issues... and to have a place to store my kayaks without having the association tell me I can't... so a stand alone home makes a better choice for me. 

So... I think I have mentioned that the process of buying a house is a sleepless one... at least for me... so many things to think about... so much responsibility... and the emotions of it all...

I was worried that undertaking this process would make me think more about being single... and it has.. but not in a bad way... I feel really proud that I am doing this, buying my home as a single woman...

It does make me emotional... to not have Mom here for it... I just think she would love this house... and I hope to have plenty of her touches there... and it's emotional for me when it comes to my dad as well... Dad is very generous and has helped me with this process and will continue to help me..... I have a Daddy do list in the works... When I talk to him about the house... I can tell he is proud of me... and I hope he loves the house... I hope he agrees that it is a great place for me...

I will be glad when the process is over... to move in... we have a few more steps to take to get there... but it will be here ... before I turn 40! 

Ally McBeal...

So this week has been school vacation week... and I did not take my nephews for the week as I have done the past couple of years.. I have been packing for my move, to my new house... and in between packing sessions I have been binge watching Ally McBeal... I didn't get into it when it aired on television, but I have one of the soundtracks and it is a mix of music that makes me smile and dance a little... As with many shows the theme of this one, not unlike sex in the city, is for the main character to find love... I am in the fourth season, in which Ally is 32... and she feels old and alone and her biological clock is ticking loudly...
One of the themes in recent episodes is that a huge part of choosing a life partner is whether or not you can see that person as being a great parent to your future children... I suppose that would be an important consideration... and I guess it is one that I have put on my list of qualities I would seek in someone... but... now? As I approach 40... the idea of having children... well... is still in my head somewhere, but more and more I think that I don't want to have kids... i love the idea of having a little adorable me running around... freckles and curly hair... but... I am not sure I see myself sitting at little league games... and there is some guilt that surrounds that because it is what society expects... but... I have a career I love, one that takes a lot of my energy... would I be a good parent if I came home after one of my long days and was emotionally unavailable to my own child? Probably not...

And it is scary to put it out there... because what if the man I meet, if I meet THE man... what if he has kids? Well... chances are his children would be older... more independent... and I am sure that if he has younger children I would fall in love with them and would then feel differently about little league...

I love being an aunt... and would have been a great mom, had that opportunity been given to me... and I could still have a baby, probably... but... it doesn't have that same appeal it used to... and adoption would be something I would consider.. but not now... I have other things to think about, to do... and I am selfish... I like being able to take off to go to NYC for a weekend... without arranging child care... I know it would be different if it was my own kids, but... as I look forward in my life... I see my house, making it my own... having lots of people over, having it be a place where people congregate... and I see myself filling it with photos of my travels...

As I watch Ally McBeal search for love... watch her have her heart broken... I relate... many of us have loves who didn't work out... My heart has been broken... and its scar tissue keeps others at bay... at times... and I seek men, or have sought men, who, need someone who is loving to a point where they need ... healing ... in a way... men who have had significant people absent from their lives... men who play the starving artist card.... (not all artists, but have had that quality... like the sacrificing father moving all the way to be with his son... who expected accolades for that...and I fell for it... when in actuality the surprise factor should have been that he would have considered not coming to be close to his son... or a man who was a very nice person... who was painfully shy... and I was naive enough to think I had found the key to getting him to open up and share things with me to later find out how heavy the wool he had pulled over my eyes really was... and then... then there's the love of my life... which I still keep quite private... but he has a part of my heart... has caused most of the scar tissue in my heart... and ironically has given me the most hope that love can be... true love...)

I watch her struggle to be in the moment with things... and I relate...

The current episode is about a man of the clergy who got fired because he no longer believes in god after his wife got murdered during a mugging...

Shows like Ally McBeal... were/are successful because of the universality of them... and for the unique characters in them... characters who reflect some of our own characteristics.. some who have qualities we still hope to one day have...

Ally is not my favorite character on the show... her best friend on there, a character named John cage, is my favorite... he is a character with so many idiosyncrasies... with the biggest heart... and laugh out loud moments...

I think... the show... overall... wants people to have hope... about love... I haven't finished the show, so I am not sure if it has a happy ending... happy at least in the Cinderella way we all envision... but... I think that the biggest hope in the show... is self acceptance... that while we are all distracted by the other things we crave, love, careers, friends... the biggest human flaw is not accepting ourselves, as we are...

On my good days... I do pretty well with that... self acceptance... but ... often need reassurance...

And in the words of John Cage, "We get back up.... it's who we are..."

Home Ownership!!! Yup!!

This is my window... MY window... or will be soon... It has been a whirlwind... The last six days have been perhaps the most exciting (combined with scary) days of my life.  Last Sunday, in snow, sleet, and freezing rain (Ok...not really sure I know the difference between sleet and freezing rain... but it's good for dramatic effect!)  my realtor, Suellen, and I traveled from house to house (10 total) in my quest to become a homeowner. 

I have, for months, been looking at house listings.  The listings that intrigued me I visited many times and tried to envision how the house would feel, how it was set up... Several of my favorite listings were on last Sunday's list.  The first house we saw was one that was close to the ocean... and I wanted that house to be perfect for me.  But, as I suspected from the pictures... it was too small...literally... the ceiling on the stairs was too low and standing in the basement was impossible... but, as real estate guru's say, the LOCATION was amazing.  I am glad that I saw it because seeing it took the romance out of it.... then we went to another house, that, honestly, from the pictures, had become one of my top choices.  It was a house that, from the outside, looked like a cottage that belonged oceanside... on the inside... if you could see through the very outdated orange shag carpet and the bedroom colors painted by children whose well intended parents gave their children license to pepto bismol their bedrooms, and past the cracked window panes... was stunning... there was hard wood floors beneath the hideous carpets, a beautiful fireplace with more charm than practicality, and a layout that would have been perfect for entertaining at parties and hosting family... Being in that house felt like I thought it would... full of potential... but realistically it was in need of upwards of $30,000 to get it up to snuff... given that it had been on the market for a while my realtor anticipated the owners would have taken almost any offer I put on the table... and my mortgage people said that in a house that needed a lot of work I could get an estimate from a contractor of the costs to fix it and add that amount to the mortgage... and after being in the house, it was a very tempting consideration... I could picture it... the finished product after lots of work, but... it would have meant living in a construction zone... and likely more, less obvious, work would need to be done... possibly the electric system, possibly more... so it was risky... and wasn't oceanside... and was not my ideal location... but it stayed in my list of favorites. 
Then... then we went to a house that was new to the market and was in my top two, at least from the pictures... and when I walked in, despite the snowy dark conditions, I was struck by the brightness of the house, the natural light.  I immediately pictured my nephews sitting at the breakfast bar as I was cooking in the kitchen... and as I walked through the rooms could picture myself there, happy there, and it felt like it was mine.  I could picture my stuff there, my painting, my photographs... my friends and my family in that house... with me... and I wanted to stay there... my realtor had to push me to leave, to go to our next showing... and it was hard to leave... we continued our search...in and out of the car, in and out of houses, and getting snowed on and wind blown in between... and there were things about the rest of the houses that were appealing, but when I left them I felt good about leaving...
At the end of the day my realtor asked me what  I wanted to do... did I like any of them enough to buy? enough to revisit? or did I want to pick other properties to look at another day.  I wanted the house filed with natural light.  It was new to the market, less than a week... and  I doubted my offer would be accepted... but I wanted to try.  So... late Sunday night, my realtor submitted an offer.  Around 9:15 Monday night, my realtor called with their counter offer... $4000 difference... and I said YES... and then he said it... "Congratulations!" 

Oh My GOD!!!  I am buying a house!  I am buying a house.... I AM BUYING A HOUSE!!! 

The elation, excitement and holy shit feelings have been as intense as I have ever felt them!  It's a HUGE commitment...  and... in a strange way... freedom...

The night before seeing the house... I had a dream... in which the yellow bedroom was decorated with daisies... Mom's favorite flower... and the day I went under contract... was my grandmother's birthday... and the day I got to see the house, was Suellen's birthday... so perhaps there were other things at work...

Since Monday night, sleep has been...scarce.  I have been making lists in my head... lists of the things I want to do to the house like in the blue bedroom, I want to paint three of the walls white leaving one blue accent wall.  I have debated about what to do with the second guest room (3 bedrooms total) ... do I put a quenn bed in there or two twin beds? I am leaning towards two twin beds.. for when the boys visit...

Tuesday night... well Tuesday night I tried to sleep, but around 11:30 I turned on my light and began writing down the things that were in my head... things I am going to need... a snow blower... a mower... a broom, one of those big butt brooms (wide) for the driveway... a hose... I don't have a hose... a box in which I can store wood for my fireplace.. (MY fireplace!!)   I picture a box similar to the one that sat at my parents' house for years.. big, in which lots of wood could be stored... I want a wood box like that... and I would put some kind of cushion on top of it for extra seating when guests came over... (maybe my talented dad could build one for me like that one!)  A rake, I will need a rake... I want house plants, cat safe house plants... I will need bedding for the two new twin beds... and there are decisions to be made about whether or not I want to get headboards for the beds or not, and do I want a headboard for my bed... I have always wanted a sleigh bed... but it is a bit impractical with my height... yet I curl up when I sleep... and I like the idea of it... another option with the bed is to get a king size bed for my room and put a queen bed in each of the guest rooms... but a king bed is a big bed just for me... and I think two twin beds make more sense... so there's bedding for those... and pillows... I think I want all new pillows... Oh.. and the house has radiators, charming silver radiators... and I want to put shelves on top of them so that the cats can sit on them to look out the windows... And... the window pictured above... notice those smaller panes... (ready for a BIG hint drop?!)  those smaller panes would look so nice with some STAIN GLASS work!!!  (Betty is a stain glass artist!!) I eventually want a small table in the entry way with a couple of chairs, and a bench to sit on to put shoes on and take them off... with storage for footwear and I need a coat rack, preferably one that matches the bench, attaches to the wall and has a mirror... and the upstairs bathroom.. it's gray, which is very modern... but the downstairs has a lot of gray and I am not sure I want a gray bathroom... so I am looking for shower curtains that have gray, but also have some other brighter colors that may kind of tie the colors of the bedrooms into the bathroom... and I would like to get a bird feeder so the cats can watch the birds... these are the thoughts that have been keeping me up at night...

It is so tempting to want to buy new everything... but the bottom line is... I have a lot of what I need for this house, MY house... and I have promised myself that I am not going to make any major purchases (except the twin beds, I want those pretty early on...) until I get in the house, unpack everything, and see what I want to keep and what I may want to get rid of... (just ended a sentence with a preposition... eek!)  Oh... I will also let myself buy two bar stools for the breakfast bar... two comfortable bar stools... but everything else... will need to wait.. there are a couple of pieces of furniture that I have now... that I may end up not keeping... but... am not going to make that decision now... 

So I am continuing to pack... the basement is on the list, will not be that bad, as there is not too much down there, but will need to take stuff to the dump, or recycling center as it is now called.... and I need to pack up my bedroom... other than the stuff I  will need before I move... and I think I will hold off on the bathroom until right before the move...

I do not yet have an official closing date... but will be in my house before my birthday!  (Can you say Housewarming/birthday bash??!!!) 

This has also been an emotional process... Emotional for many reasons... about which I am not ready to write... but emotional...

I feel so incredibly lucky to have found a house I love... I also feel accomplished... I have worked hard and I feel like that hard work is starting to pay off... I am grateful... for the help I am being given and the offers of help as I go through this process...
I am grateful!

Snow Storm!!

It is snowin' and blowin' out there!  I just went out to shovel a path to my truck and there was more than two feet of snow... granted some of that is drifts, but still, A LOT of snow... the plow truck has made quite a snowbank... I just got an email from the condo association leader to see if I am comfortable moving my vehicle so they can plow... I think it would be a smart idea to have them come do the parking lot now and then come again tomorrow... there is a lot... fortunately it is light and fluffy snow, so it is a little easier to shovel.  I will go out in a while and shovel out some of my neighbors... I didn't have to go to school today (Yahoo!)  and while I should have been doing school stuff... I have been packing boxes... I have packed quite a bit already... packing because I am going to be moving this spring at some point... hoping to move into a house that I buy, but may have to rent again because my landlord is selling this place and while I like living here, it is not a place I want to buy.  So I am trying to pack up my non essential stuff... today I packed up some craft supplies as well as board games and my fancy glasses (wine and margarita glasses)...cookbooks...and a few other things... doing it a little at a time is a good thing for me... I am contemplating packing up a lot of my kitchen stuff.. leaving out enough glasses/plates for sharing dinner with a couple friends, some pots/pans and bowls... but could pack up some of the other stuff... it will be fun to unpack everything because I am sure I will have forgotten some of the stuff I have.  I am trying to empty out/pack up things from places (Like the draws and cupboards in my hutch) so that I don't have to do it in a rush... my guest room is 90% packed up... I am going to leave most things on my walls because I don't have a safe place to store the large pictures and paintings and because I still want to feel good living here.  ..those are things I can hopefully move myself, carefully... but will have movers do the rest... I am also trying to pack a lot so that if I don't get a house right away I can put some stuff in storage and rent a smaller cheaper place until I do buy a place... I need to do some work in my basement... I have a few shelves down there that I want to take apart and take to the dump... they have gotten a little mildew on them from being in the basement... I would also like to take almost everything out of the basement so that when I move it's easier... I will leave my bike, Christmas decorations, and gardening stuff (That I have not used here) in the basement for the movers to move... because I don't have another great place to put that stuff... I also need to throw away some of my old teaching stuff... still hard to let go of the stuff I created to help kids... but I am not going back to the classroom...

So.. an update... the last post shared that I was worried that pvns is back in my left knee... I still have that fear... but I also have found that being more active and doing some of my old physical therapy exercises has helped... a lot.  I am averaging 3 to 4 miles a day of walking at work (about 1.2 miles is the morning walk I do before school starts) and some days I manage to do over 5 miles... that, combined with eating differently I am feeling better... I am optimistic about my knee feeling better... but will keep an eye on it and will likely end up back in Boston to see my doctor, but hoping to put that off for a while... Don't worry Dad, I won't wait until it is unbearable!  I am doing well with it... just keeping it in the front of my mind and easing myself into the idea of having to have another MRI and if pvns is back, what that would mean...

Work... it continues to be an interesting year.  There continues to be new learnings on a daily basis... I haven't written as much here about work... mainly because by the time I get home I need to separate myself from it... but I continue to be happy with what I am doing and see myself continuing in this role for a while. 

I hope that other folks in the northeast part of the country are staying safe and warm...

Is it back?

I said it out loud to a couple of my friends on New Year's Eve...and had shared it with Michael via text... but haven't posted anything about it here... until now... My knee... my PVNS knee... has been bothering me... and I am scared... The truth of the matter is it has been hurting off and on since mid summer, but I have attributed it to many things... including my weight and inactivity.. which go hand in hand... It's a double edged sword as people with PVNS know... inactivity often makes your joint feel better, but does little to stay healthy... and being active to be/stay/get healthy makes the joint hurt...
I am not yet willing to say that PVNS is back in my knee.. in fact I am going to deny that possibility for a while... and do some... experimenting before I give in and make an appointment with a doctor.  (Yes, I know it would take some time to get into my Boston doc... but I am ok with that...) I said it out loud to my chiropractor the other day and she worked on my IT band and hamstring, and maybe it is psychological, but I think it felt a little better after that... then on Satuday I went to acupuncture for the first time and told the needle guy about it... and he supposedly addressed it in my session... I am not yet sure if that made any difference... but I think my left  hip (one of my always painful places since PVNS began, due to favoring that knee for so long...)  feels quite a bit better... even if it is psychological, the placebo effect, I'll take it...
So... I have decided to see if I can work with chiropractor and acupuncturist for a while and also add to that some of the physical therapy exercises I did before and after PVNS surgery and when I have worked out and done well with it, have done those exercises to maintain the strength in the muscles around my knee... and I think it helped...
I am guilty of not doing much to take care of myself physically in a while... and this is a good wake up call.  I went to the gym this morning and did a few miles on the bike, then did 15-20 minutes of physical therapy exercises for my legs/knees... and am hoping that will help... I am also going to walk each day before school for 30 minutes.  I have committed to my staff that I will do that, and I am going to honor that. 
So... PVNS may be back... or maybe it's the arthritis in my knee ... or maybe it's my inactivity... or a combination of any of the above... but... I am addressing it... just not immediately heading to the doctor... fingers crossed this will help...(and optimistic it will since it felt better after the chiro and hasn't blown up like a balloon since the gym this morning...)  not sure I can face a repeat surgery...

Happy New year of Course...

I was not one of the many people who chose to go out and celebrate the stroke of midnight with large crowds of people...but I did want to do something to celebrate the beginning of a new year and the end of another... I invited a few people over for dinner and a couple of rounds of the game Cards Against Humanity, which I had never played.  I had invited quite a  few people and had also posted an open invitation on my facebook page... mostly because I hate the idea of people who don't want to be alone on New Year's Eve to be alone on New Year's Eve... As it worked out it ended up being just four of us...(me, Jamie, Suellen, and Mike)  which meant great conversation, lots of laughter, and too much food.  One friend brought crock pot lasagna, which was very good, another brought buffalo chicken dip (one of my favorites!) and I had salad fixins, garlic bread, veggies and guacamole and a couple of desserts... It was nice to have a chance to sit and eat with Suellen and Jamie.  (Mike had to work, so he arrived later.)  I am lucky to have other women in my life who are the head of their households, who are professionally successful, and are wicked smart!  Each of us has overcome adversity... I am almost 40 remember, and these ladies are in the final few years of their thirties... so of course we have all faced some challenges! And.. we have all doubted ourselves, our choices, but (thinking of Maya Angelou) as we knew better, we did better... and we continue to do the best we can do... Mike arrived later and after he had some food we began playing Cards Against Humanity... Oh. My. Gosh!  If you want more information about this game, click here.  The best way I could describe it is Adult Mad Libs.... the kids version of Mad Libs involves one person asking the other people to give a random part of speech, which later gets placed into a story, and the random words make the story pretty funny.  Cards Against Humanity is similar, in that there is a 'prompt' that includes a blank or is a question. One person plays the random prompt card and the other people playing choose (from the ten 'answer' cards in their hand) which word or phrase would be the 'best' answer.  (The 'best' answer is chosen by the person who played the prompt card, so knowing the people you play with, their sense of humor, is an advantage.) The premade cards, that list the words or phrases, are often inappropriate... and sometimes the prompts are also inappropriate... you should have a twisted sense of humor to enjoy the game... and comfort with the people you play with also helps! 
Here's an example (I will try to keep it somewhat tame...)
Prompt Card: 
      What's the next Happy Meal toy?
Here are a few random words/phrases that may be played: 
     - An Ugly Face
     - Tom Cruise
     - Dead Parents
     - Morgan Freeman's voice
     - Pictures of boobs

Another prompt:
     During sex, I like to think about ___________.
 Here are a few random words/phrases that may be played: 
     -Agriculture
     -natural selection
     - Michelle Obama's Arms
     -friction
     -All you can eat shrimp for $4.99

Of course I chose some less controversial/raunchy answers, but it gives you an idea!  The game is recommended for people ages 17 + ... and should add a label: Playing with one's parents will be super awkward!  I definitely want to play again soon.  I also think having an even bigger group of people would be even better. 


Ok... so... At the beginning of a new year it is natural to reflect on 2014... In thinking about my 2014 a few highlights come to mind... my trips, Denver and Oregon... those trips are very significant to me, for many reasons... among them realizing that the miles between my Friends and I are irrelevant to our connections... Of course I wish I could spend more time with Rico and Michael, and hope to see them more in the future... Both of them were amazing hosts, generous, and helped me see parts of this country that are breathtakingly beautiful.  I am grateful.  those trips also helped me gain confidence in traveling, which I hope to do more... and also got me to do some things that involved facing my fears... I still say I had two near death experiences in Oregon...(The Astoria Tower and the ski lift!) And riding a horse was a lot of fun and takes a lot more coordination that it looks like in the movies!)  Another highlight... Time with my nephews... I was able to spend a week with them in February then two and a half weeks with them in the summer, plus a few visits in between.  I am lucky to have the connection with them I do.  They are amazing individuals and I am lucky to be a part of their lives as they figure out who they are and who they want to be.  They are so unique yet remind me so much of people in my family.  I got to go to NYC a couple of times to see great theater... I am in awe of people who can engage an audience the way people in the theater do... I love seeing shows there and love the diversity in NYC.  Kayaking, of course, is a highlight for me as well.  I love being on the water, love seeing wildlife, getting some good pictures, and allowing myself to disconnect.  I need to do that more, in the winter.. not kayak, but do things that help me disconnect from my day to day life, from work.  I hope to do that more in 2015, hoping to use art as a way to do that.  And.. a big, well, huge accomplishment for me in 2014, was paying off my student loans!  I am thrilled to have that monkey off my back! 
Of course the people in my life continues to be a highlight for me.  I have amazing people in my life.  I continue to be grateful that Betty and Jacey are a part of my family.  And I can say now...that when I go to visit Dad and Betty at the lake, I do feel like I am going home... My sister is doing so well, I love seeing her feisty spirit and am so proud of who she is, the parent she has become, that she takes time for herself and allows herself to lean on others. 

Of course the year had some difficult times... Some of my friends lost a parent in 2014... and my heart ached for them as they faced their new reality.. one of my friends continues to battle cancer... and I am grateful she has allowed me to spend some time with her and hope I get more time with her in the near future... My kids, my students, had some very difficult times... I only hope that they feel my support. 

So... hopes for the new year... well.. I am investigating buying a house... I need to move this spring as my landlord is going to sell this place and I would like to move out before it begins being showed... but that may not be possible... I would like to buy a place, but I need to see if that is feasible for me yet... I do not want to move into another rental just to move into a house...but it may have to be that way... I also hope to finish the kayaking book that is still in the works... I hope to have more social time, more fun, (perhaps a little romance?!)  and traveling would be nice, but will take a backseat to buying a house... for now... Professionally, I hope to reach out more to my community, to get parents more involved, and continue to advocate for what is right for kids. 

Happy New Year to my Family and Friends near and far...