Ally McBeal...

So this week has been school vacation week... and I did not take my nephews for the week as I have done the past couple of years.. I have been packing for my move, to my new house... and in between packing sessions I have been binge watching Ally McBeal... I didn't get into it when it aired on television, but I have one of the soundtracks and it is a mix of music that makes me smile and dance a little... As with many shows the theme of this one, not unlike sex in the city, is for the main character to find love... I am in the fourth season, in which Ally is 32... and she feels old and alone and her biological clock is ticking loudly...
One of the themes in recent episodes is that a huge part of choosing a life partner is whether or not you can see that person as being a great parent to your future children... I suppose that would be an important consideration... and I guess it is one that I have put on my list of qualities I would seek in someone... but... now? As I approach 40... the idea of having children... well... is still in my head somewhere, but more and more I think that I don't want to have kids... i love the idea of having a little adorable me running around... freckles and curly hair... but... I am not sure I see myself sitting at little league games... and there is some guilt that surrounds that because it is what society expects... but... I have a career I love, one that takes a lot of my energy... would I be a good parent if I came home after one of my long days and was emotionally unavailable to my own child? Probably not...

And it is scary to put it out there... because what if the man I meet, if I meet THE man... what if he has kids? Well... chances are his children would be older... more independent... and I am sure that if he has younger children I would fall in love with them and would then feel differently about little league...

I love being an aunt... and would have been a great mom, had that opportunity been given to me... and I could still have a baby, probably... but... it doesn't have that same appeal it used to... and adoption would be something I would consider.. but not now... I have other things to think about, to do... and I am selfish... I like being able to take off to go to NYC for a weekend... without arranging child care... I know it would be different if it was my own kids, but... as I look forward in my life... I see my house, making it my own... having lots of people over, having it be a place where people congregate... and I see myself filling it with photos of my travels...

As I watch Ally McBeal search for love... watch her have her heart broken... I relate... many of us have loves who didn't work out... My heart has been broken... and its scar tissue keeps others at bay... at times... and I seek men, or have sought men, who, need someone who is loving to a point where they need ... healing ... in a way... men who have had significant people absent from their lives... men who play the starving artist card.... (not all artists, but have had that quality... like the sacrificing father moving all the way to be with his son... who expected accolades for that...and I fell for it... when in actuality the surprise factor should have been that he would have considered not coming to be close to his son... or a man who was a very nice person... who was painfully shy... and I was naive enough to think I had found the key to getting him to open up and share things with me to later find out how heavy the wool he had pulled over my eyes really was... and then... then there's the love of my life... which I still keep quite private... but he has a part of my heart... has caused most of the scar tissue in my heart... and ironically has given me the most hope that love can be... true love...)

I watch her struggle to be in the moment with things... and I relate...

The current episode is about a man of the clergy who got fired because he no longer believes in god after his wife got murdered during a mugging...

Shows like Ally McBeal... were/are successful because of the universality of them... and for the unique characters in them... characters who reflect some of our own characteristics.. some who have qualities we still hope to one day have...

Ally is not my favorite character on the show... her best friend on there, a character named John cage, is my favorite... he is a character with so many idiosyncrasies... with the biggest heart... and laugh out loud moments...

I think... the show... overall... wants people to have hope... about love... I haven't finished the show, so I am not sure if it has a happy ending... happy at least in the Cinderella way we all envision... but... I think that the biggest hope in the show... is self acceptance... that while we are all distracted by the other things we crave, love, careers, friends... the biggest human flaw is not accepting ourselves, as we are...

On my good days... I do pretty well with that... self acceptance... but ... often need reassurance...

And in the words of John Cage, "We get back up.... it's who we are..."