Why I don't sleep...

I walked into work Friday morning and the other assistant principal smiled and said, "I wasn't sure you would show up today."  He knew I would be there, but he also knew Thursday had been a really hard day for me.  At the end of the day, before he left to go home, he came in my office and sat down.  He asked the question that often gets me, when I am trying hard to hold it all together..."You okay?"  He has been at this much longer than I have been... he has been an assistant principal, a principal, and before that a teacher... so he gets it... Somehow he is able to let things roll off his back more than I can... though I know things get to him too... we have had many Monday morning meetings after a weekend of stewing about things that had happened the previous week.  When he talked to me about what had happened I began crying...and was so mad at myself for crying... he felt bad for me... and said he was sure I was scared... and I told him I was scared...not for me, but for what this all will mean for this student's future... and it kills me... but I hated that he saw me cry...

I work hard to build relationships with the kids in my care.  I want what is best for them and at times that means that they get angry with me for the consequences I have to give to them.  I work hard to build a lot of trust with them... and I put a lot of faith in them... that they will do the right thing...  not always in the moment.. but in the end... that they will see how their choices were made in the heat of the moment were not the choice that is true to who they are or who they want to be... I am sure some people may read that and say that I am naive...or a bit of an idealist, to believe that kids who are 14-18 years old, are able to do that... but I believe.  I don't have a strong belief in God...as many know I often doubt His existence... But I believe in kids... in their hearts... I believe that inside them they have morals to which they hold true... despite the many layers of pressure, disappointment, fear, and anger which deeply bury those morals...

Some of the kids who I consider to be 'mine' are kids with lives that are so polar opposite of the life I have had.  The life I have been privileged to have.  I grew up with two parents who were there for me, sometimes more than I thought I wanted them to be at the time... I had parents who asked who I was spending time with, whose house I would be at, and made contact with the parents of those I wanted to spend time with... I knew that at any school function my parents would be there... I knew if I messed up they would be there and the disappointment they had in me was worse than any punishment they could have given... I had parents who knew where I was every night... who gave me some freedom as long as I let them know where I was and who I was with... I had parents who made it clear what was expected... and lived in a community where everyone knew each other... I grew up knowing there were options for my life... and knowing my parents would support the choices I would make... I had a family who spent time together...

There are kids in my school who have similar upbringings... I see them... I know them a little, some more than others... but the kids I know best are kids who are very much like sea turtles... completely dependent upon their instincts for survival... and unfortunately survival is their priority. 

On Thursday I saw one of my kids in such a frantic state...she was involved in a fight, one she did not initiate for once... and after the fact she lost it... she was fighting hard for her survival... and because she felt like she had no other choices she went far beyond where I have seen her go before...I know she was afraid that this may impact her status in the juvenile justice system and her status as a student in my school district.... to see her in the desperate stage that I saw her in broke my heart... and no matter how hard I tried to pull her back from the edge in those moments I could not help her...no matter how I tried to bring her back, reel her in, deescalate her... nothing worked... She is in a lot of trouble... and I am terrified that I will have to go before the board and the decision about her future at my school will rest on me...my words...my opinion...my beliefs... and no matter how much I believe in her...in her potential... I saw parts of her, very exposed parts... which will force me to say that I am not sure she can come back from this... no matter how much I know her actions were because she felt trapped... I have to look at things through different lenses... She was so close to losing everything... and I believe she knew how high the stakes were in those moments...At one point she looked at me, with tears in her eyes, and so much anger... and I believe in that moment she was deciding whether or not to physically attack me... as a way to get it all out..all of her anger, her fear, her fight or flight reactions... and in that moment I was afraid that she would feel she had nothing to lose and come at me... I was afraid... not for my safety... because while it would have hurt if she had hit me, it would have been short lived as  the school resource officer was there... what I was afraid of... was how she could get to that place... where she truly felt she had nothing to lose... I don't know what stopped her in that moment, from attacking me... I would like to believe that it is the relationship we have built... After it was over I was just so incredibly sad... for her... and question whether I had done enough... if I had been to easy on her, given her too many chances...

On Friday the social worker who works with her came to me, after the school resource officer had told her about it... everything that had happened... and she told me that the student had lashed out at me after everything had happened... because I was the person she trusts the most at school... that when backed into the proverbial corner she had to do something... lash out... get some of her anger and fear out.. and I became her target...

At one point she and I were alone and she became verbally abusive... I told her I wanted to sit with her and help her calm down, but that I needed to leave because anything she said/did at that point would be something about which I would have to report and it would not help her cause... 

Our school resource officer knows her well... and after she had left school grounds he and I processed everything... and he was also distraught... he cares a lot about her as well... and we processed what had happened and I asked him if he saw any moment where we could have or should have acted differently... and he couldn't identify any... neither could I...

This situation.. so much of it... stems from social media... not just on Thursday... but the build up to Thursday... specifically twitter... I hate twitter.  In some circles people find it a productive way to communicate... to share thoughts... to update people quickly... but in the hands of teenagers it is a tool of torture, not one of awareness... it is cruel... I believe it is at the root of most bullying in most high schools... and those cases people see in the media in which adolescents commit suicide due to social media... I believe blaming social media is fair...

The fight was sparked by tweets... and the out of control behavior following the fight... was due to not allowing this student access to the devices on which she accesses social media. 

I am irate that social media and the devices on which it is accessed has that much of a hold over our students... over this generation....

I don't know what to do about it.. but it is consuming my thoughts these days...

On Friday one of her teachers stopped by to see me... to ask about the situation... along with a few other situations... and when he asked me what this may mean for her, again my eyes filled with tears... I was so mad at myself for showing that kind of emotion in front of one of my staff members... he did not know what to do/say except apologize for upsetting me... I was able to tell him that the tears come from my fear of what will be next for her... and he smiled and said he knows how much these kids mean to me... that the staff knows how much I care... and how much the staff appreciates it... which on some level is nice to know... but in this situation is a moot point...

No matter how much I care... I can't win 'em all...