Mom and John Denver

It's my final night in Colorado...and while I have almost the entire day here tomorrow it feels like my trip is quickly coming to a close.  I said good bye to Rico's wife tonight as she has to work tomorrow.  It was so nice to meet her after having heard so much about her over the years.

The timing of this trip was good for many reasons... I was in much need of a break... and having my adventure start on the anniversary of Mom's death was, in many ways, perfect.  I have thought of her a lot out here.  I know she would have loved that I was going someplace new and doing something for me.  Driving up into the mountains yesterday and the drive back down today... I could really envision Mom's reaction if she was seeing what I was seeing... I can imagine her gawking all around and talking nonstop about the beauty of the mountains... (Which was pretty much what I did too!)  She loved taking road trips with Dad... seeing the scenery... I thought today a lot about her as we drove by so much of the open land here with many many ranches with the mountains as the backdrops... and remembered a trip we took to West Virginia when my sister graduated from college.  I remember Mom just ooing and awwwwing over the landscape there... it was nice to have those memories today.  I think Dad would love it out here to... I think he would actually feel like there was enough air...though ironically the higher we got in elevation, the less air there really is!  (I am relieved I did not have altitude sickness... I admit, last night at over 9000 feet my heart was beating faster than usual, and it was harder to breathe...but I did not get sick!)  I think Dad would have liked seeing the mountains and would enjoy driving by all the ranches, just looking at everything... but, like me, I think he would miss the water... but... maybe when he and Betty take their trip to Alaska... they will come through Denver! 

Today we went to Red Rocks... a famous concert venue.  It was beautiful...absolutely beautiful.  I would love to see a show there sometime.  We ended up going there because I had to go to the bathroom and as it worked out that exit was where we got off and Rico remembered it was close to Red Rocks and so we checked it out.  I was very glad we did.  There is a visitor's center there which has a history of the concerts and pictures of many of the artists.  They have a hall of fame room and I found a picture of John Denver... My sister, as well as Rico it turns out, really loves John Denver... I remember him from an episode of the Muppets where he sang 'Grandma's Feather Bed."  It was cool to think of Sis while I was there.  It really is beautiful out here! 

We took a scenic route from there back to the house and got here in the early afternoon.  We just relaxed after that... which was really nice!  Rico's wife got home from work and we had dinner as we watched some movies. 

Time to start thinking abut my next destination! 

Relaxed...

It's Tuesday Morning... I am in Breckenridge, Colorado... It is beautiful here.... a little town nestled in the mountains.  It is a ski town and Sunday is the final day of the season here.. some of the shops have already closed and will wait for the summer season which one shop keeper told me would begin in June.  I feel very lucky that Rico has shown me so much of this area.  Sunday morning we went out for brunch at a great restaurant and then walked around Denver a bit before going to the Rockies Game.  The game was a lot of fun.  We had club seats... which meant that we had easier access, complete with shorter lines,  to food and beverage vendors and bathrooms.  The stadium is beautiful, Coors field... I know I am supposed to be a defender of all things Red Sox, but I gotta say that sitting in Coors field, overlooking the mountains on a sunny 70 degree day in which the clouds provided some much appreciated overcast conditions just when it started feeling hot...was pretty perfect.  I prefer other sports to baseball to be honest... would rather watch hockey or football... but again, Coors Stadium with the Rocky Mountains behind it... was pretty perfect. 
After the game we went to a sports bar near Rico's condo and met up with a girl with whom  I went to high school.  She has lived in Denver for 13 years I think she said... and loves it... but she said that she does get used to the mountains, the views from the city and admits she takes it for granted... I think that is sad... Rico seems to relish the mountains... the area and what it has to offer... I know it is new to me, this scenery, but I think I would appreciate it.  When I go up to the mountain in Maine to go camping I continue to be in awe of the views and the feelings of peace that come with it.  I also think that I appreciate living so close to the ocean and having the opportunities to walk the beach or watch the waves crash. 
It is beautiful here... I have had fun and look forward to the rest of my time here.  We have not planned a lot else... but may go to the Garden of the Gods... which I have heard good things about... and I admit... my mind is shifting gears...back to Maine... and my kayaks are calling loudly and clearly... to get them out of storage and to put them in the water!  I am ready for that too. 

I have found some good souviniers and while I was hoping to find some small piece of art that I could take home with me... (and maybe I still will) .... I like my choices... I bought a pair of earrings, a water bottle that says Rocky Mountains, a Rockies hat, some Christmas ornaments... and a nice picture frame...

Maybe once I get all my pictures uploaded one of them will inspire me to do a painting of my own...

This trip has been good for me... I have felt less stress in my shoulders... and have had moments where I have not thought about anything except what I was doing in the moment... I need to do more things like this for myself... more things to get away, to see new things... and enjoy it...

Some Denver pictures...

Here are a few pictures for my friends who are not on facebook... 

Rico and I at the game...

Coors Stadium... beautiful.

Stopped on the way to Breckenridge for a photo op... a lake in the mountains!

 

It is a beautiful state!

Horseback Riding and Beerfest....

This is a picture of me with Rico and one of his friends at yesterday's beerfest at a local watering hole here in Denver.  We had a lot of fun.  I am not a beer girl...at all...but there were some hard ciders that were delicious.  I am usually not excited about things like this... big crowds and beer.. but this was a lot of fun.  I think being in a new place allowed me to have fewer inhibitions and I talked to quite a few people.  People here are very friendly.  

Before the beerfest Rico and his wife took me out to where his wife keeps her horse... I got to ride the horse... it was a cool experience.  I am not gonna lie, I was scared.  It was high off the ground, or at least felt it... it was hard getting onto the horse.. Rico and his wife helped... I think that it felt strange because there was really nothing ot hold onto except the reigns and it showed me just how little balance I have.  Walter, the horse, was very patient with me.  I was sending him mixed messages leaning one way and trying to get him to go the other way.  Rico's wife talked me through it... she held the lead for a while then asked if I wanted to try it solo... I did, but she was close by.  

This is the first time I have met Rico's wife.  She is very nice.  She is giving Rico and I lots of time together.  She is not a beerfest kind of girl, so she stayed home while we found some mischief.  

I am so appreciative of their hospitality.  

And did I mention it is beautiful here? 

Denver...Day 1

 Me from Rico's deck...

It is about 7:30 a.m. Denver time… and I am sitting in one of the guest rooms at Rico’s house and it is beautiful… the guest room itself is beautiful, but that is not quite what I meant.  I meant here, at Rico’s house… it is beautiful.  I’m not really sure if I had a vision in my head of what Colorado looked like and had not really pictured what a ‘typical’ home out here would look like… which I suppose means that I ad no real expectations.  I, of course, have seen pictures of Denver and have heard so much about the mountains here… a friend on facebook who grew up here and had moved to my hometown in 7^th grade (And was teased mercilessly for wearing bright orange Broncos gear…)  told me to make sure I was awake for the landing because flying into Denver, with the mountains as they are …was something to behold.  The flight yesterday was about four hours and fifteen minutes… not bad considering how far from Maine I really am. From my side of the plane I felt like all I saw were plains…for miles and miles… I took some pictures on my phone and will post a couple once I get the pics from my phone onto my computer… and as we were descending I thought, “Mountains? I don’t see no stinkin’ mountains…”  But then I glanced out the windows on the opposite side of the plane and caught a very brief glimpse of what appeared to be snow covered something… When I got off the plane I rushed a bit, as Rico wanted to have the ‘perfect airport pick up’… The Denver airport is BIG…very Big… I had to get on a train to get to baggage claim??!!  Yup.  The perfect airport pick up would have happened… except I checked a bag!  Apparently this is a novice traveler move, according to Rico and his wife.  Because I am not an experienced traveler, I wanted to make sure I had everything I would need while I was here… a few pairs of jeans, a few pairs of shoes (I did not bring dress clothes, so no heels, but still wanted a few choices… sneakers for walking around, hiking shoes for getting dirty if needed, and a pair of fun sneakers for.. well fun… oh and flip flops of course… which I wore because it was way easier when going through security.)  So… It all fit into my suitcase and while I had to pay the fee for checking a bag… it was under the weight limit, which to me, was a success!  When I arrived at the airport I talked to Rico and he tried to guide me through the Denver airport, but with limited reception it was hard to understand him… Because he was here I didn’t really have to worry too much about where I was going etc., which was nice, but I also need to make sure I can do this stuff solo.  I got up yesterday, to start my Rocky Mountain adventure, at about 3:30 EST… I got to Denver around 1:30 Denver time… and it has been a lot of fun.  Rico and his wife don’t seem to get why I am confused by all of the Colorado license plates… I mean… I have never seen so many Colorado license plates in one place!  Anyway… Once I got my bag I met Rico outside the airport and it was great to see him.  It’s been just over five years since we had seen each other, when he visited me before Mom.  But I think we have seen each other once since then, in Boston… Anyway… I told him I did not believe there were mountains here… and he told me I would see them… and once we got away from the airport…WOW… they are beautiful.  I had my phone out and my camera out trying to take pictures.. which from a moving car was not easy!  But it really was beautiful.  And I must add it was warm here… ahhh… I don’t know how warm, but warm enough for me to not wear a sweatshirt for the afternoon!  We headed to Rico’s house and stopped in Castle Rock to pick up some beverages.  It was nice to see Rico in his home environment and the people we ran into were very nice.  They did of course ask how tall I was, but in a positive way, which was refreshing!  Then we came to Rico’s house and I finally got to meet his wife!  She and I have talked a couple times on the phone, but have never had the chance to meet.  She spent summers as a kid in Maine, not too far from Portland, and it was fun to talk to her about that area.  Their home is amazing.  Absolutely gorgeous.  Apparently it is Colorado style… which I suppose fits well… There is a lot of wood throughout the house, exposed beams, etc.  and on the outside there are some rock features and it has breathtaking views.  I told them that if I lived here I would be very unproductive… I would not want to leave the house.. I would sit here and just watch the sky..look at the mountains and watch the wildlife.. yesterday there were close to 10 deer laying on their lawn under a tree… the first one I saw I thought it was a statue… but eventually it got up as did the others and ran away.  They are obviously like the deer in Maine… but they were more of a grayish brown than a reddish brown like I am used to… and I just stopped typing for a moment because I looked out my bedroom window and saw a coyote in the field… I tried to get a couple of shots and think I did, but we will see… Rico says there are mountain lions here..and elk… Not sure I want to experience a mountain lion, but seeing elk would be pretty cool…

After we visited at the house for a while we ventured back towards Denver to see a rodeo!  Rico’s wife loves horses, in fact we are going to go horseback riding today… and they assure me Walter, the horse I will ride, is big and strong and will not mind carrying my BFA around… we will see.. Walter may have other ideas!  Going to the rodeo was a good experience.  I admit that while I think I am accepting and open minded about things… I also have some pretty strong stereotypes… and some of them were squashed last night… I have often thought that the rodeo scene…cowboys…if you will.. would involve a lot of rednecks…which in my mind is often related to ignorance… I still believe some of those things to be true… and also think most of the people in that culture are republicans…but… what I saw last night was hard working people…whose lives revolve around animals… and it was quite a family affair… there are kids running around in cowboy boots and cowboy hats… there are people dressed up with shiny belt buckles and I did feel a bit left out without having my own pair of cowboy boots.  It was nice to see people out, families, spending time together.  Rico and his wife had forewarned me that the little cows get thrown to the ground and that it may bother me… but since I am not a vegetarian, I should be able to see how the animals I eat are handled…I do admit it was hard to see them get roped and when the rope tightened get pulled to the ground… but… I also can see how the competition is a big part of the culture…and I do believe the animals are well cared for… the animals are so strong… so so strong… and the guys.. I think they are called the pull out guys… they pull the riders off the bucking broncos and calm the horses down after… are amazing… attractive really!  I may have a new appreciation for men in jeans and cowboy hats! 

Well I suppose that is all for this installment of my Rocky Mountain adventure… I hear other people up and about so I think I will join them. 

5 Years Ago

Five Years Ago tomorrow... we lost her. 

I miss her like crazy... and hope she flies with me tomorrow!

Look Out Rico!

I am sitting at home... the sun is shining through my windows and the cats have found some sunbeams in which to relax.  I am officially on vacation!!  I cannot express here how good that feels!  I am in such need of a break... work has been intense.. and I made it clear to people that I will not be checking email after today until next Friday.  Because of a couple of things going on I did have to agree to answer my phone if the principal or superintendent call... but they promised they won't call unless they really need to...
So... back to VACATION!  When one uses the word 'vacation' it often conjures up images of planes and sunshine... for me... vacations usually involve family... going north to see Dad, Betty, and my other family members... or going to visit Sis and the boys... Heading up north when I am away from cell reception and get to kayak with my moose and other critters, I do feel like I am on a vacation... but... the last time I went on vacation... (besides a couple of trips to NYC) was after college... my roommate and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas...but other than that... I have not had a VACATION since then... until now.  I am getting on a plane tomorrow and flying to Denver!  Rico and his wife have agreed to be my hosts and for that I am very grateful.  I will be away from everything familiar... in a place I have never been... and I am looking forward to not having to be in control of every moment... not being responsible for what other people are doing... and feeling like I have to fix everything... Denver will not know what hit it once I leave!  I am packing no dress clothes... which feels a little strange... but given what my hosts have planned I don't believe I will need any... and I am excited about that.  I am not an expert traveler.  I have weighed my suitcase several times (my airline limits each suitcase to 50lbs...)  and depending on how I put it on the scale it weighs 41, 44 or 49 lbs... what if their scale is different and it is over? I did go online and change my seat... from the center seat on any old row to a seat in an exit row... and it's a window seat... which I debated about.. an aisle or a window... but where the seat is... it looks like there will be lots of room to get by to the aisle if I need to get up and stretch..AND close to the bathroom. As my Dad would say... Good Deal!

I plan on taking lots of pictures and truly go along for the ride! 

In the meantime.. I had not posted any pictures of a recent beach walk... so I am going to post them here...

Why I don't sleep...

I walked into work Friday morning and the other assistant principal smiled and said, "I wasn't sure you would show up today."  He knew I would be there, but he also knew Thursday had been a really hard day for me.  At the end of the day, before he left to go home, he came in my office and sat down.  He asked the question that often gets me, when I am trying hard to hold it all together..."You okay?"  He has been at this much longer than I have been... he has been an assistant principal, a principal, and before that a teacher... so he gets it... Somehow he is able to let things roll off his back more than I can... though I know things get to him too... we have had many Monday morning meetings after a weekend of stewing about things that had happened the previous week.  When he talked to me about what had happened I began crying...and was so mad at myself for crying... he felt bad for me... and said he was sure I was scared... and I told him I was scared...not for me, but for what this all will mean for this student's future... and it kills me... but I hated that he saw me cry...

I work hard to build relationships with the kids in my care.  I want what is best for them and at times that means that they get angry with me for the consequences I have to give to them.  I work hard to build a lot of trust with them... and I put a lot of faith in them... that they will do the right thing...  not always in the moment.. but in the end... that they will see how their choices were made in the heat of the moment were not the choice that is true to who they are or who they want to be... I am sure some people may read that and say that I am naive...or a bit of an idealist, to believe that kids who are 14-18 years old, are able to do that... but I believe.  I don't have a strong belief in God...as many know I often doubt His existence... But I believe in kids... in their hearts... I believe that inside them they have morals to which they hold true... despite the many layers of pressure, disappointment, fear, and anger which deeply bury those morals...

Some of the kids who I consider to be 'mine' are kids with lives that are so polar opposite of the life I have had.  The life I have been privileged to have.  I grew up with two parents who were there for me, sometimes more than I thought I wanted them to be at the time... I had parents who asked who I was spending time with, whose house I would be at, and made contact with the parents of those I wanted to spend time with... I knew that at any school function my parents would be there... I knew if I messed up they would be there and the disappointment they had in me was worse than any punishment they could have given... I had parents who knew where I was every night... who gave me some freedom as long as I let them know where I was and who I was with... I had parents who made it clear what was expected... and lived in a community where everyone knew each other... I grew up knowing there were options for my life... and knowing my parents would support the choices I would make... I had a family who spent time together...

There are kids in my school who have similar upbringings... I see them... I know them a little, some more than others... but the kids I know best are kids who are very much like sea turtles... completely dependent upon their instincts for survival... and unfortunately survival is their priority. 

On Thursday I saw one of my kids in such a frantic state...she was involved in a fight, one she did not initiate for once... and after the fact she lost it... she was fighting hard for her survival... and because she felt like she had no other choices she went far beyond where I have seen her go before...I know she was afraid that this may impact her status in the juvenile justice system and her status as a student in my school district.... to see her in the desperate stage that I saw her in broke my heart... and no matter how hard I tried to pull her back from the edge in those moments I could not help her...no matter how I tried to bring her back, reel her in, deescalate her... nothing worked... She is in a lot of trouble... and I am terrified that I will have to go before the board and the decision about her future at my school will rest on me...my words...my opinion...my beliefs... and no matter how much I believe in her...in her potential... I saw parts of her, very exposed parts... which will force me to say that I am not sure she can come back from this... no matter how much I know her actions were because she felt trapped... I have to look at things through different lenses... She was so close to losing everything... and I believe she knew how high the stakes were in those moments...At one point she looked at me, with tears in her eyes, and so much anger... and I believe in that moment she was deciding whether or not to physically attack me... as a way to get it all out..all of her anger, her fear, her fight or flight reactions... and in that moment I was afraid that she would feel she had nothing to lose and come at me... I was afraid... not for my safety... because while it would have hurt if she had hit me, it would have been short lived as  the school resource officer was there... what I was afraid of... was how she could get to that place... where she truly felt she had nothing to lose... I don't know what stopped her in that moment, from attacking me... I would like to believe that it is the relationship we have built... After it was over I was just so incredibly sad... for her... and question whether I had done enough... if I had been to easy on her, given her too many chances...

On Friday the social worker who works with her came to me, after the school resource officer had told her about it... everything that had happened... and she told me that the student had lashed out at me after everything had happened... because I was the person she trusts the most at school... that when backed into the proverbial corner she had to do something... lash out... get some of her anger and fear out.. and I became her target...

At one point she and I were alone and she became verbally abusive... I told her I wanted to sit with her and help her calm down, but that I needed to leave because anything she said/did at that point would be something about which I would have to report and it would not help her cause... 

Our school resource officer knows her well... and after she had left school grounds he and I processed everything... and he was also distraught... he cares a lot about her as well... and we processed what had happened and I asked him if he saw any moment where we could have or should have acted differently... and he couldn't identify any... neither could I...

This situation.. so much of it... stems from social media... not just on Thursday... but the build up to Thursday... specifically twitter... I hate twitter.  In some circles people find it a productive way to communicate... to share thoughts... to update people quickly... but in the hands of teenagers it is a tool of torture, not one of awareness... it is cruel... I believe it is at the root of most bullying in most high schools... and those cases people see in the media in which adolescents commit suicide due to social media... I believe blaming social media is fair...

The fight was sparked by tweets... and the out of control behavior following the fight... was due to not allowing this student access to the devices on which she accesses social media. 

I am irate that social media and the devices on which it is accessed has that much of a hold over our students... over this generation....

I don't know what to do about it.. but it is consuming my thoughts these days...

On Friday one of her teachers stopped by to see me... to ask about the situation... along with a few other situations... and when he asked me what this may mean for her, again my eyes filled with tears... I was so mad at myself for showing that kind of emotion in front of one of my staff members... he did not know what to do/say except apologize for upsetting me... I was able to tell him that the tears come from my fear of what will be next for her... and he smiled and said he knows how much these kids mean to me... that the staff knows how much I care... and how much the staff appreciates it... which on some level is nice to know... but in this situation is a moot point...

No matter how much I care... I can't win 'em all...