Keep on keeping on...

I am relaxing... not something I do often, especially lately. This morning I was very happy to spend some time with my friend, Sara. We worked out together this morning and both had GREAT workouts. Sara did 5 miles on the treadmill and I did 5 miles on the elliptical machine, in 62 minutes. Sara ruptured her Achilles last summer and has been recovering well, trying to get back into condition to be able to train to run a marathon. Up to this point she has been able to run 4 miles on the treadmill and today she ran 4, walked for a bit, then ran the rest of the five miles! Awesome job my friend! I was thrilled with my workout too. NEVER, never, not even before pvns crept into my life, did I do 5 miles on the elliptical machine... NEVER... so I am feeling great... also tired...ha ha... but that will pass. I may let myself take a nap this afternoon. I went to the gym with the intention of doing 5 miles, but had also had some internal dialogue that if I couldn't make it to 5 miles, it was okay... I think it is important to not beat ourselves up if we don't meet every goal we set for ourselves... but... it is also interesting to me to be more conscious of my own internal thoughts... that I didn't necessarily believe that I would be able to do the 5 miles. When I walked the half marathon in October, I remember thinking that at some point my body had more will than my mind... and then there were times my body wanted to quit and I had to will myself to keep going... and even now I just said to myself, "well, what's the big deal about doing 5 miles on the elliptical when you walked 13.1 miles in October...." Well... I trained a lot for the half marathon and had built up slowly to being able to do that distance... and since that time have been active, but I think my longest walk since then has been 3.5 miles, same for my gym workouts, haven't gone beyond that for a while... last week I did go up to 4 miles and did that twice last week... and really wanted to do 5 miles this weekend... so... I need to be happy with my accomplishment today... and know that I am working toward my larger goal, to be at my goal weight by the half marathon in Oct. 2010. so I feel good. Really good.

This weekend I had the chance to speak with Rico... with whom I had not spoken in a long time. (Even though we kept tabs on each other through status updates on facebook, it's different than talking...) As I started losing my mother, Rico stepped up/stepped in and helped me through that process, one he knew too intimately after losing his own mother. He was very helpful to me... after my mom died, I think it was harder for Rico... and he retreated a bit... I missed him, but also was glad that he was protecting himself. It got too close for him... easy to relate to, too easy to identify with... and I don't know this, but maybe it was like going through the process of losing his own mother a second time... so talking to him Friday was good. He gives me way too much credit... telling me that I have handled things better than he did... by being active... told me he was amazed that I am still working on my masters and that I have maintained my social connections and am coaching...

Perspective... while Rico sees what I am doing as well... I don't see it as anything other than surviving... I NEED to be busy, to exhaust myself to the point where I can sleep at night... and there are benefits to what I am doing, working out and eating well obviously has health benefits... working on my masters has longer term benefits, it will help my pay increase... coaching keeps me from focusing on it being winter and how much I hate winter... and my friends, well... I need them... and they make me smile and also give me space when I need it...

One day at a time... that's all I am doing.... that's all I can do... but I am finding that it is easier to smile these days... easier to find things to be happy about... and I want that to continue...