The Biggest Loser...

The NBC show, The Biggest Loser, has inspired some staff at my school to begin our own version. I am determined to win! Our first weigh in was last Friday and we will weigh in every week. I am hoping for good results this week. According to the scale at my gym I have lost most of the holiday weight I have gained... I hope the scale for this competition agrees... I have been working out a lot... A LOT... and am feeling great. This week has been very stressful... but I have still managed to work out... so I can remind myself if I can do it this week, I can do it every week.

Working out for me is healthy, but as I have mentioned here before it is something that helps my mindset as well. As Mom got sicker and sicker...and eventually died, I felt a growing sense of not having control of things which increased my anxiety. I know that I could have opted to ask my doc for some anxuety meds, but there was also a part of me that felt that meds would somehow make me less present during my mom's illness... and no matter how much I hated the process of losing her, I needed to be there, in those moments, fully. Working out kind of became a way to expend some of that nervous energy and still continues to be an outlet I need if I hope to sleep at night.

Writing has often been my outlet... but since losing my mom, I haven't written as much on my blog... partly due to the land of facebook.... I am a facebook addict and in some ways facebook is a daily blog of what you are doing, a shorter version. But I have also not been sure of what to write about... My blog began as a way for me to express my thoughts without burdening people in my life. And recently I have realized that one of my fears is being a burden, to anyone. I think that it is a part of who I am, who I have been for a long time. I feel guilty about leaning on people, for putting my problems on their shoulders. Rationally I can tell myself that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would really want my friends to lean on me... but then I justify not leaning on people because none of my close friends really know, really understand what has happened... and I am thankful for that. Could I share everything with my friends that is in my head? Yes. But I don't want to... for a lot of reasons... because I get upset when I talk about it, think about it even... and don't like for people to see me that way... because then I feel like it is my job to make them not feel that way... and try to expend energy into lightening the mood...

My friends have their own lives and issues and don't need mine to add to the mix... and I feel that when I have tried to lean on people, people pull away... now sometimes it is because of circumstances in their own lives that keep them busy... but it has felt very lonely... and I do feel like I have only myself to truly depend on... don't get me wrong... I have friends, good friends... but I just feel like the way for me, right now, to cope with the thoughts in my head and the emotions surrounding losing my mother is to workout, be active, stay busy to reduce my thinking time... to not have time to sit around and think about things so much...

But I am also trying to give myself permission to stop, from time to time... and just let myself be. To relax... which I am not good at lately... but I am working on it. I am really trying to do some nice things for myself and I do feel that working out IS good for me, even if it is a necessary part of my day if I want to sleep...and I am losing weight, even if it is slowly... and I do have goals surrounding my weight... I WILL walk the half marathon again next year. And, I will walk it at my goal weight, which is currently between 80-90 pounds away...

I will get there... and the Biggest Loser competition at work is a good motivator.... I am a bit competitive.. and want the satisfaction of kicking a little ass!

Perhaps this is a post that demostrates why I haven't posted in a while... my thoughts are scattered and I feel like I babble when I try to write much... but I think it will come... I just think that like many other things... it's a process...