Wicked Good Weekend ...Club members only....

People perceive me as a social person...someone who has a ton of friends...someone who is always doing something... I can say that I have a lot of connections with people and most of the people who are in my 'network' are people who have been there for quite a while... and/or who will be there for a long time... I do like to socialize, but I am less of a social butterfly than people realize... I think it began back as far as jr. high. I was fortunate to have a lot of 'friends' at school, but more often than not, my Friday nights were spent at home, with my parents. If my weekends involved friends it was someone from a very small group of people. As an adult, I can go out and be social but I still often end up at home... often alone. I'm not unhappy about that, most of the time... it affords me time I often need to process my life.

I sometimes think that it is easier for me to be a friend to someone else than to let someone be a friend to me. I prefer to be leaned upon than to lean on someone else. That's just how it is... it's not that I don't have people to lean on... but leaning on myself is often easier...I know I can count on it... The friendships I have in my life are ones that I cherish. Truly. I have people who care deeply about me and I would do anything for them, but at times... I fly solo, often by choice, sometimes by default.

Going through this process of losing my mother to cancer has altered some of my friendships... I am not sure altered is the best word... maybe refocused is better... yeah...refocus is a better word... thinking of a camera lens...some of my friendships have become more distant while others have become much easier to see...Some people are not sure how to act or what to do so they take a wide angle approach... while others zoom in and are there for it all... or want to be. Have I realized that some friendships are not quite what I thought they were, not as strong maybe? Yes... but I can't say that I am surprised by it... and guiltily, am in some way relieved by some of the distance. There are friendships that have surprised me, pleasantly so, people stepping in to help in very practical ways... humbling me... knowing that people would do something just out of their love for me... Then there are the friends who are currently going through a battle if their own with one of their parents, and the situations have drawn us closer... One of my friends... is someone who I need so badly... but feel like leaning on this person is overwhelming to her. I know she loves me, know she WANTS to be there for me, know that she hates I am going through this, but she doesn't know HOW to be there for me... all I need is for her to call me and say hello... I've tried to tell her that, but I think she feels inadequate... doesn't know how I feel and doesn't know how/where to begin to try to make it better for me. It's not about making it better... it's about making it through...

Then there is Rico... Rico and I met about ten years ago... maybe eleven... we were interested in each other as a possible dating option.... and while we didn't go down that road, a friendship developed. About eight years ago Rico was married to a woman he had known for quite a while, and we have remained friends. (With his wife's blessing!) Our conversations over the years covered an array of topics and at times have been pretty intense. The most emotional conversations involved September 11th... his mother's illness and subsequent death, and now my mother's illness and imminent death. Rico is a person who has amazed me... He values his friends in a way that few people do. Since my mom has been sick, Rico has been there. Period. He wasn't freaked out by it which means he didn't pull away... he didn't use an intense thing as a reason to withdraw from me...and we have not intentionally used it as a reason for us to get closer... (though that is a pretty good side effect)... For Rico...my mother's illness is a circumstance that warrants support... that's it... it's that simple...support...

I think that learning of my mom's cancer brought up a lot of things for Rico, from his own experience... and I would not have blamed him if he felt like it was all WAY too close to home and didn't want to hear about any of it... I think that completely ignoring my situation would have been a very natural reaction for Rico... but... he hasn't avoided any of it...he's done exactly the opposite of that... and I can't express how much that means to me...

Because he went through a similar experience with his own mother, he has an understanding that most people don't. Losing a parent, like this, is something that I wish nobody had to experience, ever. But... once you have this experience you can relate to each other on a totally different level. We are members of a specific club, to which neither of us applied...

Last week Rico emailed me, asking if I wanted company... to have someone to talk with... and knowing that my sister was going to be at my parents house this weekend... I was excited to have Rico come and visit. Before coming he made it clear that his visit was intended to be completely stress free for me... he didn't want me to plan anything... just figured we could talk... just figured he could be there for me... and he was...

After not seeing each other in close to nine years...Rico arrived from Denver fairly late on Friday night... after getting him settled in his hotel we decided to go someplace for a drink and dinner. We talked a lot about things with my mom and his mom, and it was really nice. Our phone conversations have been great as well, but having him there, in person, really meant a lot. With him, I can share the things that are in my head...and I don't feel crazy.

Dealing with mom having cancer, dying from cancer...has made me feel the most lonely I have ever felt... lonelier than being the single girl at friends' weddings or at my grandfather's funeral... lonelier than being the third of fifth wheel at any gathering... lonely. In the dark hours of late nights or early mornings.... in those hours of driving alone back and forth... in the moments of crying into my pillows...shaking from fear and anger and grief... it's lonely. And in those times the thoughts do not go away, they magnify... and it's hard... not wanting to reach out to people because it's 3:00 a.m. - why ruin someone else's sleep... just because I am getting 3-4 hours of sleep at night, if I am lucky doesn't mean other people can't sleep more... but Rico has been there... and gets it... so the thoughts that I have, he has probably had... and he asks about it... and because I know he knows... I can share it with him, honestly...openly... and having him here, in person... made that support feel more real.... having someone look into my tear filled eyes, seeing my pain... and not overreacting to it...made me feel connected to him, to someone, to something.... and it made me feel less crazy...

Saturday morning I had some track things to take care of so I picked Rico up at his hotel around 1:00 in the afternoon. We had lunch at one of my favorite local spots and then headed to the ocean. His wife has a connection to this area, having spent summers in Southern Maine when she was a kid, so it was nice to take Rico to areas that she would know. It was beautiful yesterday, the sun was shining and even though it was cold, the ocean was comforting, rhythmic, beautiful... We then went to a beach, then headed out for some drinks.

While I added a new twist to one of my favorite summer beverages Rico drank a shamrock embossed Guiness.... and Rico was taught that Pudding beats out Jello ALWAYS! We had some good laughs as I flirted with the bartender, or at least attempted to...we had fun...I even had one of those moments where something seemed hysterically funny to me and I couldn't stop laughing until there were tears streaming down my face... and Rico laughed too... not with me, at me... but that was ok... As the evening continued we got some dinner and our conversation returned to my mom, his mom... me....him....this process... and it was emotional for us both...

No matter how things play out... no matter how I think, rethink, and think some more about everything... I can't plan/predict what will happen and how I will react to it... and I need to know that however I handle it... is ok...

Rico's lessons are helpful...priceless.... and the comfort he brought to me this weekend is something I have not felt in a long time. Crying in front of someone is such a hard thing for me. I worry that crying in front of people makes me weak...makes them uncomfortable and unsure how to react... I have cried in front of some friends through this... but put in a lot of energy to quickly get myself under control or to add some kind of humor to lighten the mood... Rico let me cry... and there didn't need to be any humor...there didn't need to be any break from it... he let me cry without telling me it was going to be okay... because he knows there is nothing about this that is ok, nothing that will be ok... ever. He let me cry and compassionatly rubbed my shoulder...in silence... he handled my emotions... making me wonder if maybe it's ok to trust that other people can handle that as well...

Out of love, respect, and honor for his mother, and out of the pain he has endured... I think Rico wants to take any of the pain away from me that he can...he wants to bear any burden for me that would mean I would not have to. He cannot lessen my burdens by taking them away from me... because this is something for which I need to be present, need to feel.... BUT... he has lessened my burdens by allowing me to know that I am not alone... that through any of this, as raw as it has gotten and as raw as it's going to get... I am not alone.

I am not sure that there is something tangible that I can give to Rico to prove that he has already done so much for me through this process...His personality and mine are similar... and I understand after he has experienced something so horrible he needs to protect someone from it if he can...I wish that he could...but since that just is not possible... I am so thankful that he is beside me...to help me have the strength, or to remind me I already have the strength to bear this load...

Friendship, kinship... whatever label I could give to my relationship with Rico.... would not give it enough credit for what it truly is...

Rico, Thank you is inadequate.... You have helped me, ARE helping me... and I will continue to need you as this process continues.... Safe travels on your way home....I had a Wicked Good Weekend....



I am adding a video of the ocean, but I am not sure if you will be able to see it or not.