Snow Day

It's another crazy snow day here in Maine. More snow.... I am trying to be productive today, but am struggling to do that. My mind is too busy... unsettled.

Last night I spoke with a friend of mine who is facing some difficult times with her own family. Her mom has been unwell for quite some time... dealing more with mental declination than physical... my friend and I have talked about which is worse...failing physically or failing mentally....her mom also has some physical wellness concerns, but the pieces that make it the most difficult are the mental ones. Maybe the term 'failing' isn't appropriate in regard to either of our mothers. Sometimes when I think of the word failing, I interpret it as having some aspect of intentional action... and I don't think my mom or my friend's mom have any intention of failing... it's what's happening to them... not what they are doing. My friend has been the promary caretaker for her mother for a while now and has done a fabulous job. Circumstances surrounding her mother's care have recently needed to change due to finances, resources, and regulations... and decisions have needed to be made. My friend has made the decisions she thinks are best for her mother... and is facing scrutiny form other family members... who have not been as present in the care for this woman as my friend has been.

Maybe it's because I watched my mother go through similar things with her own mother and with some family members questioning some of the decisions that were made... but it makes me angry. I'm not saying that the amount of love is more or less depending on time spent with someone or location, but... I AM saying that the role of caretaker is a HUGE one... and no matter what... the people who are not around to make decisions should not question the decisions made by those who are. So my heart goes out to my friend... and I know she is going through a tough time.

I am thankful, however, that she talked to me about it. It felt nice to be able to be her friend in a supportive way... to listen to what she is going through...

One of the many things on my mind lately has been... are my friends not leaning on me because they think I have enough on my plate? I think that my friends are amazing people,who are supporting me through a difficult time... but in a few recent conversations I have learned about some of my friends who have been feeling down about some things... and hadn't shared that with me until recently... While they haven't said it to me, I wonder if they don't want to talk to me about their issues because they worry adding to my burdens.... I want to be there for people... and talking about things going on in the lives of other people helps me focus less on what is happening in my world. Granted, there are limitations to my availability on some level... like this weekend the friend I mentioned before is moving her mom and all of her mom's stuff to a new facility and I would love to be able to help, but I am heading to see my parents... so I can't be there to help her...which is hard for me, but she understands... so it is a hard balance.

My number one priority right now is my mother. Absolutely. But... I also want the other peoople in my life to know they are important to me too... In one conversation, I talked with a friend who has recently had the fact that he is single, without children, brought to the forefront of his mind. He spent time over the holidays with his younger siblings who are both in relationships, one married with a baby, and the other one engaged with a future step child...he also has spent time with some of his cousins, most of whom are younger than he, who are all married with kids... plus there are his friends who are married with kids... and while he is very happy in many aspects of his life... he WANTS marriage and children and gets sad about it... he wants it because he wants it...not because he feels he should do those things, but... he wants it... it made me think about myself and marriage and children... things that I really want in my life... and wonder why it hasn't become part of my life yet... and while all of this is going on with my mom... I am very aware that she will not see me in those roles... and wants that for me... has always wanted that for me... and I don't have the energy and time perhaps that is needed to invest into a potential relationship... and will this result in driving that potential further away?

I don't know.

It's hard... people in the last few days have told me how strong I am... how amazingly well I am handling all of this... and I don't know about any of that. I question myself all the time. Am I spending enough time with my mom... am I supporting my dad enough... am I keeping myself running so much with teaching and coaching to avoid my reality... will my mind ever get quiet again... will I ever sleep well again...will my shoulders ever not have tension in them... and should I even be thinking about all of these things when my dad's mind must be even fuller...his heart must be even more broken... balance I suppose...

Anyway... I have to try to get some things done... be somewhat productive...