Hard to relax...

I had plans to go see my parents this weekend. I was going to leave here Saturday morning after taking care of some track stuff and return here this afternoon. However, I had heard that it may or may not snow up north and rain or have some sort of mixed precipitation here... and my cold is back... bronchitis again. I haven't been to the doctor to confirm that, but I know it. So I opted to stay put this weekend. I have found it has been hard to relax. I napped yesterday afternoon, got up, did some errands, bought myself a new laptop, came home and went to bed... I found that I need to keep myself busy. Even watching a simple movie isn't enough... My mind wanders and I need to also be emailing, blogging, or surfing the net... why? because without keeping my mind busy, without directing it to do certain things it goes to places that I don't want to go. Staying busy has become a vital part of my survival. Without staying busy I get consumed by thoughts...fears...and it is exhausting. Granted, it takes a lot of energy to keep busy too, but it is a different kind of energy.

Of course I am not naive enough to think that keeping busy eliminates all of the other thinking, thoughts. But, it helps me fool myself a little bit. And I am okay with that... for now. There is plenty of time for thoughts...while I try to fall asleep, or when I wake up in the night... or after my alarm goes off....in the shower, on my drive to work, when the phone rings, when people look at me with compassion... so keeping my mind busy seems a better option.

I do worry though, that I have forgotten how to relax... to be calm... to quiet my mind enough to enjoy time, quiet time. Yesterday it was a beautiful day... I thought about going to the beach to walk, but... I opted to come home and multitask for a while then nap instead...

Stepping back from things I am sure that this profile sounds like a person with depression and anxiety... I am aware of that... aware that I have those tendencies. But... circumstances as they are... there is no medication that can help.

It will be ok. At some point I will be able to sit in my living room, or porch with a good book and enjoy it... that time just isn't now...