Frozen...

This winter, on the mornings when I go to the gym early... I have seen something beautiful... the trees along the river I cross often look encased in glass. The moisture from the river collects on the branches of the trees and freezes. This morning I did go to the gym and noticed the trees...so on my way to work made sure to have my camera and took a few shots. It was cool because even though the sun was coming up and the sky was bright blue... it was snowing on the river. It was beautiful. I admit that it reminded me of the movie Edward Scissorhands when he is sculpting the ice and makes it snow...

Finding the beauty in today's scenery does not, in any way, shape, or form, mean that I am enjoying the last days of winter... no no no... I am soooooooo unbelievably ready for spring.. but... it was beautiful. Frozen. Maybe I found beauty in it because I want there to be beauty in things that are frozen. I feel like aspects of my life are frozen...

Like the moisture has attached itself to the branches... I feel like many things have attached themselves to me and are keeping held in the same place. I also, at times, feel frozen with fear... And yet, there are times during the day when I can feel completely removed from everything going on with my mother... perhaps that's when the sun melts the ice a bit...This morning, however, I was unable to escape it... I received a fax I had been waiting for...one that I had requested..but... it still hit me hard, like leaving a sixty eight degree house and walking outside to below zero temperatures... how that cold hits you and takes your breath away...

Given all that is going on in my life I decided to withdraw from the online course I had started. I had been unable to focus enough to do the assignments and just haven't taken time to do the readings... so I called the university and tried to withdraw... it wasn't that simple. Since the course is already in full swing, withdrawing now would mean that my transcript would note that I had quit the class and it also would mean that I would only get 25% of the costs reimbursed... not an option. So... I called the registrar and asked about extenuating circumstances... turns out there was a way to do a 'backdated withdrawal' that would allow me to drop the class without it being documented on my transcript and would allow for complete reimbursement... I needed to complete a form AND get a letter from my mother's doctor that she is in fact, dying, and that she needs her family around her to help with her care.

Seriously? Are there really people out there who claim their mothers are dying to warrant this type of policy? I was highly annoyed at first... but think that my level of annoyance was heightened because seeing something in writing telling me that my mother really is dying... was not desirable. So I called a doctor that cared for my mother during her last hospital stay, the doctor who got us connected with Hospice... and explained what I needed, and to them, it was routine... to them it was routine...

So today I got the fax... and there it was... in black and white... terminal....life expectancy... staring at me... and I handled it better than I thought I would... but it was hard... though I was distracted by the doctor's misspelling of my mother's name. I used this doctor because I didn't want to have to call my parents to get permission to get a letter from her primary doctor that said she was dying... so I approached this doctor because part of his department, paliative care, is about the family as well... so it worked... I have been granted the backdated withdrawal...and I have a letter to remind me of this... Cold...

Frozen.