Weak

If I had been drinking all weekend I would say that today I definitely have a hangover... but I wasn't drinking... but I feel terrible anyway... exhausted, wiped out, depressed, so whatever the dealing with life equivalent of a hangover is... that's what I have.

The weekend was rough... There were lots of good moments, but it was very emotional for me... hard. The good parts involved taking some new clothes to my father... I took him some new shirts from Cabela's, one of his favorite stores. He's never been to an actual store, but has bought several items from their catalog over the years... it was nice to see him looking sharp... mom even commented on how good he looked. Dad also went to visit his mother and one of his sisters and that was a wonderful break for him... a break from his daily routine while I stayed with my mom... he also went to church Sunday morning...so he had some time away from the house and away from the immediate circumstances. Though I know none of this is out of his mind. He and I talked about some hard things and I give him so much credit for being so strong in being able to talk about things like that....

But those conversations are hard. Thinking about my father's future, without my mother... is awful. Yet, we need to talk about it because Dad's life will continue without mom... differently of course, but it will continue. He's been thinking about the end... once mom dies... he talked about things like needing to change their membership to one of those buy in bulk warehouses to his name... which is difficult to think about needing to do those things... and asked me about my desire to see my mother after her death....before her cremation. This question... took me aback and made me very emotional... and I did all I could do to avoid it... left the room, pretending to need a drink... changing the subject... trying not to cry in front of my dad , hoping to protect him in some small way from the intensity of my emotions...and I couldn't answer him... not without losing it in front of him and I couldn't allow myself to do that.... then I felt guilty because it took so much for him to ask that question... and it is a question that respects me so much, my needs... and it was one scenario I had yet to think about, to contemplate... in my mind... I am there when mom dies, holding her hand while dad holds her in his arms... I hadn't thought that maybe I won't be there when she dies... and what if I am not? I think that is harder for me to accept...If it happens when I am not there... it's ok... but it's just not what I have envisioned... and I guess his question is a good way for me to try to prepare myself in a different way...for a different scenario...as much as I analyze things... I am amazed that I had not thought of that scenario... Feeling cowardly about avoiding the question, I sent my dad an email answering his question... because I just couldn't look into his eyes and have that conversation.. I am just not strong enough for that. My mom and I have had an amazing relationship... one of those mother and daughter relationships that are portrayed in all the Hallmark or Lifetime movies... the relationship that may cause mothers and daughters who don't have that kind of relationship to feel like they should because that's how it's romanticized.... My mom is one of the closest people to me in my life. She just is... and so... any time I have with her is precious... and I know that our relationship is fine... we know how we feel about each other and I don't need to tell her that after she is gone... I don't think I need any time with her body to remember her heart... But I wonder if I am not there in those final moments... if there is part of me that needs to see her to say goodbye one last time...

Each time I leave them now, I feel like I am saying good bye to her...and each time it gets harder. I was a wreck yesterday... an absolute wreck. ALL day. Driving... a wreck... sitting in my truck in the rest area because I knew it wasn't safe to be driving while crying THAT hard... I was a wreck... getting home and thinking about the weekend... I was a wreck... trying to sleep... a wreck...today was better... but I am hungover from it all...

Mom and I had some quality time together, for which I am thankful. She talked to me about her fears for my dad... sadness and remorse that she is 'doing this' to all of us... I just kept telling her that she is not doing anything to us... that it is happening to all of us, to her... and kept thanking her for allowing me to help her... that it made me feel really good to do something that felt like it made a difference... cooking her a grilled cheese sandwich....getting her cold water... those things make me feel good...at least in the moment.

Sunday I did something to help my mother that was probably the hardest thing I have done yet. (I am sure there are more things ahead.) I shaved my mother's legs. The last time I was there she had mentioned that she was embarrassed by her hairy legs... but left it at that. She brought it up again, when dad was out of the house, while I was helping her wash up. I told her I would do it for her if she wanted me to. At first she refused saying nobody should have to tackle that big job... but I persisted and told her I would like to do something that made her feel good. At that point she was sitting on her bed, in the living room, and just looked up at me with an expression that made me think she had looked at her own mother like that when she was a child... and couldn't believe I would do that for her... then she asked me to sit next to her so she could hug me. It takes a lot for my mom to sit up these days, a lot of energy, and for her to raise both of her arms to hug me was wonderful.. something I will cherish forever. Recently our hugs have been while she is laying in bed and are so gentle to avoid risking disruption to the bags that collect the leaking fluid from her open wounds. (The holes in the incisions are considered wounds because they require wound care.) So to get a full hug... was special. I think I had been craving that, missing that so much without knowing it. A real hug... I am so thankful for that. She wanted to try to shave her legs herself, but by that point she was already shaky from sitting up while washing up... so I insisted on doing it and insisted she just lie down and relax. She did... and I shaved her legs... it was a hard job... not because of the actual task.. but because it was something that she can no longer do... something she is dependent upon someone else to do...my mother is getting weaker... thinner, more frail all the time. washing her legs and then rubbing lotion into them made it obvious how much of her body has already disappeared... she can no longer wear her wedding band on her ring finger because it falls off... so it resides on her index finger.... for now. So holding my mother's legs, and feet, rubbing the lotion in... was a big reality check for me... not reality check...because I know the realities... but it made all of this hit me in a different way... my mom was so appreciative... said it made her feel better, cleaner, more normal.... and while I have had a really hard time closing my eyes and not seeing and feeling her weakening body in front of me... I am glad I did something to make her feel better, because that's all it's about right now.

I feel awkward for sharing something that were really intimate moments between my mother and I, but writing helps me process it... and maybe it prepares someone else for it.... though I hope nobody else has to ever experience losing a loved one like this... but I know someone will... also, my mom loved reading my blog... would remind me often to update it and read the next installment... so I know that she would, on some level, appreciate what I have written here and wouldn't take it as a breach of trust or privacy...

I hate that I don't know how to handle all of these emotions.. that I can't figure it all out and be okay with it... I know there are phases to death...including anger, grief, acceptance... yada yada yada... but no matter how many steps or books there are on this... you can't be prepared for how you will react until it is you.

I hope that when the time comes... if someone I know goes through something similar... that I can be there for them... because the comfort is different coming from people who have gone through it... 'getting it' in such a personal way is irreplaceable. And I hope I can offer that to someone who maybe isn't super close to me... and I need to remember that... to reach out to people when this is happening... because being on THIS side of things... it's really hard to reach out... and sometimes I'm just not strong enough...