It's almost 4 a.m. I got up about 45 minutes ago to come back to mom's room... Sis had been here most of the night. Mom has been able to rest...finally. Come to find out the epidural wasn't working... so she suffered through all of lsat night and yesterday morning with no pain relief. She said she was "uncomfortable" but figured after being sliced in half that was normal... Uncomfortable? Geesh... I remember the pain from my knee... and this has to be worse... with no epidural... after getting a new eipdural mom said she was much happier. She even went for a walk yesterday... oh yeah.. her sleeping... so because she had been in so much pain she had not been sleeping...but she has been able to get some rest... which is good. Dad, I think, got some sleep too... he is having a hard time... that's a given. he hasn't eaten much... but I am trying to keep an eye on him and am buying him food... I think that he is in the mode of going through the motions of things... he had ice cream and cookies for dinner last night... saying that he didn't know what he wanted to eat... I ended up buying him some spaghetti and he ate it...

I have received a lot of eails from people... and I appreciate them all... I haven't talked to anyone on the phone... mostly because what is there left to say really... and finding a quiet place to talk is almost impossible... one friend wrote to me that this is one of those meteor hitting the earth moments... changing life forever... and it sucks... true. very true. I've thought a lot of Rico.. he was the first in my inner circle of friends who has lost a parent... he has lost both actually... I will be the first amongst my local friends to lose a parent... not quite the "first" title I would hope for... first to fly to vegas and get married... first to have twins... first to pulish a book of some kind... those are the kind of first titles I would be ok with, would enjoy...comfort in that... if there is any... is that I know that when someone else who s close to me goes through it I will be able to be there in a way that others can't... because you don't understand until it's you... and I am only at the beginning stage of that process so I don't even fully understand yet... Rico has been that for me... someone who gets it... and while I hate that he has 'been there...done that'... it is helpful...

I want my mom... wanted my mom... to see me get married.. have kids... unless I do fly to vegas and adopt... those scenarios are now unlikely...improbable... ,meteor hitting the earth...