It didn't work...

Surgery is done... it was not a success. They were unable to remove the tumor from my mom's abdomen. It's attached to the artery that provides blood supply to her intestines... if that supply is cut off her intestines die and death is imminent and pretty immediate. If they had damaged that artery in the surgery we would have no time...

Who knows what thought process is normal under these circumstances.. but as the afternoon progressed we were informed that mom was in recovery...and that word angered me... recovery... that means that you get better. She is not going to get better. The doctor told us tonight that this cancer will kill her.... it's a matter of time... perhaps some medicine will allow us more time, but... it will progress... it's already invading part of her intestines and eventually will cause blockages..or... it could rupture and she could bleed out slowly or immediately... so our focus shifts... quality of life... for her... not for us... whatever she wants... we honor.. bottom line.

I didn't know what to expect from this surgery... and I felt like I had prepared myself... saying that if it was successful...great... if it wasn't... nothing had changed... but it was hard hearing that nothing could help... again... I held it together for a bit... but when they took us to recovery to see her... that was a lot.. I thought I was going to vomit... thought I was going fall over... I had to walk away.. didn't want my dad to see me because i knew it would upset him... so I tried not to breathe because breathing would cause me to hyperventilate... but not breathing almost caused that too...and it got really hot... and I felt like I needed to stand absolutely still or else I was going to explode.

I don't understand any of this... people talk about faith and god... and mom had this surgery thinking it was god's answers to her prayers and the prayers of so many others... someone even said to me after learning this news that we can keep praying... because that has gotten us where? This whole faith thing... faith in what? That good things happen to good people? that doing the right thing is the right thing? My mom is an exemplar of someone who has lived her life as a good person... so... what the hell has happened?