The "Ex" factor...

It continues to amaze me how much I hold on to things...and by things I mean memories, conversations, and pain. Sometimes I am unaware of how things still impact me until something happens that causes me to have an epiphany. Confused yet? Well... we all have people from our pasts... who disappear from our lives and who resurface from time to time. Early this spring I got a couple of emails from my ex... a man that I dated and lived with for quite a while. I was skeptical of the emails, wondering what he wanted... his first email apologized for contacting me, not wanting to upset me, but he just wondered how I was doing and hoped that I was doing ok. I was ok with that, as long as he understood that any kind of contact would be limited to the computer. I wish the best for him and hope he finds happiness... he is a good person, just not right for me. Anyway...At the beginning of the week I got another email from him. Details aside, it resulted in us chatting via instant message. Our chat ended up going in unexpected directions. Relationships are hard...and ending a relationship is also difficult... and often times there is not an opportunity to discuss reasons or the dynamics of the relationship... well... I had that chance... and I was amazed at how emotional parts of our conversation made me. Why was I so emotional? Because things that hurt me at the time had continued to hurt me ... along with uncertainties about why certain things unfolded as they did... the realization that I have kept myself distanced from people, dating, because of things that happened in that relationship...things that caused insecurities... and the conversation that we had has perhaps brought some closure. Closure.... that word is something that makes me smirk... it is an overused word... and it is a word that I have used myself, often, with some other people... but... I think, for whatever reason, I felt a sense of closure... I feel like I can let go of things that I haven't been able to let go of... The conversation has helped me clarify things in my mind...and has also made me see other things in my life differently... including my motivation for certain things. People have amazing impacts on each other.

Perhaps it is time for change... from within...