It is cruel.

I told her to cal her doctor... or to tell her husband to call her doctor... to see if she could get a prescription for sleeping medication... she needs to sleep and her head will keep her awake... she will go through the motions in the next few days... and when she sees her father's face tomorrow... for the first time since.... she will fall apart... and she is scared her falling apart will cause him to have another heart attack or stroke... she had to call the staff at the nursing home where he is staying to be with him while he was told... in case he had a heart attack....I cannot imagine how hard that phone conversation was... how does a daughter call her father and tell him that her mother/his wife died? My friend called today to tell me her mom died this afternoon.  Not long ago she had been diagnosed with cancer and had surgery last week... after surgery there were complications and her body could not fight it...
When my phone rang... and it was my friend my heart lifted... thinking she was calling to let me know things had improved.... and then when I heard her... I knew... all I could say was I am sorry... that I am so sad for her... that I know how she is feeling and I wish I could offer her some wisdom or advice that would make it easier... but that I know there is nothing anyone could say that would make it better... she said she lost her best friend today... and I get that... her relationship with her mom is much like mine with my mother... and I know the void this creates for her... her life today changed... without her approval...without her consent... it got turned upside down... and will never never be the same... she said it was supposed to be her... that cancer took... not her mom... as she is fighting her own battle with the big C...  but I know her mom could not have survived losing her daughter...
She said she knew I would understand... and at one point apologized because she was sure it triggers things for me... she had no reason to apologize... I am grateful... that she chose to call me, to talk to me... and I hope she calls me in those wee hours when her head is spinning and she is crying so hard she cannot breathe or see... I am going to visit her...call her often... and not take no for an answer when I invite her to dinner...

It is cruel... for the universe to cause so much pain... and it is cruel to cause that pain and not allow someone to heal and offer relief to someone else experiencing that same pain. 

It is just cruel. 

A work story... and a drag queen!

Today I had one of those moments that will motivate me for a long time...

I have a student who I have known since October... his life outside of school is... chaotic...to say the least... Last week he cut out of school a couple of times and arrived to my office today ready to face the music as the adults from the program he is in told him I would need to see him... He came in and was ready to take accountability for his actions... which is huge for him... I had also learned that his aunt, last week, had just been released from the hospital with stage IV cancer and has gone home to die... sad... because of the dynamics in his family he is not sheltered from his aunt's disease in ways he should be.  He was very anxiety ridden while we talked... I divulged that I understood how he may be feeling because of losing my mother... and told him he could talk to me whenever he wanted.  I told him that I was not going to punish him for missing classes next week... he is fairly new to the program he is in and I felt it would be unfair to come down hard on him without telling him what the expectations were.  He seemed so relieved at this... It was a good conversation and his social worker was with us.  I told him that for me, the concern is not as much about him leaving the program for the day as it was trying to help him learn to handle things differently... to be able to talk to people first to let them know he is having a hard time and try to trust that we will help him instead of bailing... he said that he will do that, that if he needs to escape he will go only to the social worker or to me... and I told him it was a great plan.  With certain kids I make a point to shake their hands after these conversations to show the kids that I respect them... As I extended my hand he got up and shook his head no... and said... nah.... no handshake... I'm gonna hug you... and he did.  It almost brought tears to my eyes. 

That's a kid for whom I hope, will begin to trust adults... and maybe will let people help him. 

That is a good moment...

And to top that off... after work I met up with someone who went to my high school.  We were four years apart so were not there at the same time... He lives in the same town where I live.. and he is a drag queen.  I had ordered a pair of boots online that were a bit too small for me... and instead of sending them back, figured I would see if he could wear them.. and he could!  He was so excited! 
Give when you can give... He will have way more fun in those boots than I would have! 

Selfish

Through social media I recently 'announced' that I would be spending some time in Denver during my next vacation. I had updated my status on facebook after I booked my plane ticket.  I was excited (still am excited!)  Typically when I have had some time off I have either used that time to spend it with family or have gone to NYC.  I love going to NYC, I enjoy the energy and the culture there.  I love being a part of it, if even for only a few moments.  This year my time off from work has been family focused.  Winter break was spent almost entirely at the lake with Dad, Betty, Jacey, Sis and the boys... and my break in February involved having the boys for the week...I feel very lucky to have the time with my family that I do, but this year, more than others, have returned to work after my time off without feeling refreshed.  I know that in order to be good at my job, I need to have time to refresh.  Since having the boys a few weeks ago my weekends have involved some...hibernation...for lack of a better word.  I have stayed at home.  (Well, except for going to see Meg last weekend to help her move a refrigerator...which was a crazy scene...)  So... after some thinking I decided that my next vacation would involve getting away.  My goal was to go someplace I have not been... and if it worked out to get to see a friend that would be a bonus.  I contemplated Denver...  I have heard so many good things about that city and if I went there I may get a chance to see Rico, who I have not seen in a long time.  I looked at Key West in FL... being so tired of winter the idea of a warm beach vacation was tempting... and along those same lines looked into South Carolina... where there seems to be some kayaking opportunities.  (A friend form high school lives in Key West, but I would probably not have seen him much, except for maybe a dinner...)  Rico told me that most likely he would have some down time for part of the time I was there and generously offered for me to stay with he and his wife for part of the time and at his condo for part of the time.  He has talked a lot about Denver over the years and I have wanted to visit.... so... Denver it is!!  It's funny...but I am a little nervous to go someplace new... And I have to figure out some more of the details... do I rent a car while I am there? Will I need one? What do I want to do while I am there? I want to explore outside of Denver, want to see the mountains, want to be in awe of the Rockies... and I want to experience the urban parts of Denver... I would like to go to a museum...maybe the aquarium... I found a place there that has burlesque shows, which intrigues me... I have never been to an opera and Denver has a beautiful opera house... but there are no performances while I am there...and then I step back and know that whatever I do, it is going to be fun.  Being someplace new is exciting... and I want to do more traveling... so going to a new place where I do know someone provides a bit of a safety net I suppose... and while I am very happy doing some things by myself it will be nice to get to see Rico and meet his wife, finally!  I  don't want Rico to feel responsible for me while I am there.  I welcome opportunities to spend time with him, but also don't expect him to hold my hand the whole time. 
People have been happy for me, excited even, that I am going on a new adventure.  However, this weekend I got an email from someone who was annoyed by it. 
This person... I have known for several years... he lives in California... He has been here to visit a few times and I went there once (didn't like LA at all!) ... All of our visits were more than five years ago... before Mom died.  I refuse to live above my means... and when he and I talked about visits I couldn't afford to go there... he, instead, came here.  About a year and a half ago, maybe two years... but definitely before I got the job I have now... hard to keep track of time... he had broached the topic of us trying to have a relationship. It was not the first conversation like this we had... He was single, though had tried dating... I was in a similar situation....and he wanted to see if we could work... His plan included talking every day, visits every couple of months... and if things went well he wanted me to move there for a few years and then we could move back here... it wasn't something I wanted to pursue... my idea of a relationship does not involve 3000 miles between the people involved.  So.. we agreed that we would remain friends, but that a relationship more than that was not going to happen.  Since then we stay in touch through facebook... last time we talked by phone was probably close to a year ago... although maybe we talked close to Christmas to exchange holiday well wishes... So he reached out this weekend to say that he was upset about me having a chance to travel and I do not choose to go see him in California.  He told me over the years I had 'excuses' to not go see him... money... my mother's illness... and then not wanting to move away from Maine partly because I could not handle being so far away if something were to happen to my father... excuses...in his words... how dare he even begin to question me on my reasons... he has not lost a parent... he does not know the impact it has on someone... he has no right to question my integrity about that... Obviously his message got under my skin because I am taking time to write about it and have processed it a lot this weekend... part of it, I think... is resentment.. towards him for trying to make me feel guilty abut it... I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I have done things to lead him on... I have told him where I was at with him... told him I didn't care enough about him to move there or for him to move here... I told him I wanted us to be friends... and have not acted in a way that would lead him to think otherwise.... he feels like I am being selfish...

He's right.  According to dictionary.com the definition of selfish is: devoted to or caring for only oneself... This trip is selfish... I am doing it as a way to take care of myself.  Caring only for myself... This does not mean that I don't care about other people in my life.. I do... I will do anything in my power to help people... and there are people who would do the same for me...Every day in my job I work to take care of other people's needs...  so... yes, in order to be able to continue caring for people I need to take care of me... so... yes... I will be selfish... I am going to Denver... and then I am going to go to the other Portland... I will go to Hawaii... Maybe to Italy and Greece... Go to New Orleans to  hear some real jazz.... and eventually I will go to Africa... because I want to... and because I will be able to... of course that means that I should work on getting my passport...

I think it is ok to be selfish once in a while... in fact... I think it is a necessity... I need time alone.  I need time away.  In order to be there for other people, in order to do my job... I need it...

Reasons for this?

There is so much going on... so much that impacts me but is not mine to share...

I will say that Cancer sucks... as does the universe...

For those people who believe in 'God's plan'... or that 'Everything happens for a reason'... explain this to me...

A 38 year old woman with stage IV breast cancer learns that her mother has been diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer...and that means her father, a stroke victim, has to be in a nursing home because he requires her care...

Please... explain this... and look me in the eye... or better yet look my friend in her eyes... and tell her there are reasons for this...