Selfish

Through social media I recently 'announced' that I would be spending some time in Denver during my next vacation. I had updated my status on facebook after I booked my plane ticket.  I was excited (still am excited!)  Typically when I have had some time off I have either used that time to spend it with family or have gone to NYC.  I love going to NYC, I enjoy the energy and the culture there.  I love being a part of it, if even for only a few moments.  This year my time off from work has been family focused.  Winter break was spent almost entirely at the lake with Dad, Betty, Jacey, Sis and the boys... and my break in February involved having the boys for the week...I feel very lucky to have the time with my family that I do, but this year, more than others, have returned to work after my time off without feeling refreshed.  I know that in order to be good at my job, I need to have time to refresh.  Since having the boys a few weeks ago my weekends have involved some...hibernation...for lack of a better word.  I have stayed at home.  (Well, except for going to see Meg last weekend to help her move a refrigerator...which was a crazy scene...)  So... after some thinking I decided that my next vacation would involve getting away.  My goal was to go someplace I have not been... and if it worked out to get to see a friend that would be a bonus.  I contemplated Denver...  I have heard so many good things about that city and if I went there I may get a chance to see Rico, who I have not seen in a long time.  I looked at Key West in FL... being so tired of winter the idea of a warm beach vacation was tempting... and along those same lines looked into South Carolina... where there seems to be some kayaking opportunities.  (A friend form high school lives in Key West, but I would probably not have seen him much, except for maybe a dinner...)  Rico told me that most likely he would have some down time for part of the time I was there and generously offered for me to stay with he and his wife for part of the time and at his condo for part of the time.  He has talked a lot about Denver over the years and I have wanted to visit.... so... Denver it is!!  It's funny...but I am a little nervous to go someplace new... And I have to figure out some more of the details... do I rent a car while I am there? Will I need one? What do I want to do while I am there? I want to explore outside of Denver, want to see the mountains, want to be in awe of the Rockies... and I want to experience the urban parts of Denver... I would like to go to a museum...maybe the aquarium... I found a place there that has burlesque shows, which intrigues me... I have never been to an opera and Denver has a beautiful opera house... but there are no performances while I am there...and then I step back and know that whatever I do, it is going to be fun.  Being someplace new is exciting... and I want to do more traveling... so going to a new place where I do know someone provides a bit of a safety net I suppose... and while I am very happy doing some things by myself it will be nice to get to see Rico and meet his wife, finally!  I  don't want Rico to feel responsible for me while I am there.  I welcome opportunities to spend time with him, but also don't expect him to hold my hand the whole time. 
People have been happy for me, excited even, that I am going on a new adventure.  However, this weekend I got an email from someone who was annoyed by it. 
This person... I have known for several years... he lives in California... He has been here to visit a few times and I went there once (didn't like LA at all!) ... All of our visits were more than five years ago... before Mom died.  I refuse to live above my means... and when he and I talked about visits I couldn't afford to go there... he, instead, came here.  About a year and a half ago, maybe two years... but definitely before I got the job I have now... hard to keep track of time... he had broached the topic of us trying to have a relationship. It was not the first conversation like this we had... He was single, though had tried dating... I was in a similar situation....and he wanted to see if we could work... His plan included talking every day, visits every couple of months... and if things went well he wanted me to move there for a few years and then we could move back here... it wasn't something I wanted to pursue... my idea of a relationship does not involve 3000 miles between the people involved.  So.. we agreed that we would remain friends, but that a relationship more than that was not going to happen.  Since then we stay in touch through facebook... last time we talked by phone was probably close to a year ago... although maybe we talked close to Christmas to exchange holiday well wishes... So he reached out this weekend to say that he was upset about me having a chance to travel and I do not choose to go see him in California.  He told me over the years I had 'excuses' to not go see him... money... my mother's illness... and then not wanting to move away from Maine partly because I could not handle being so far away if something were to happen to my father... excuses...in his words... how dare he even begin to question me on my reasons... he has not lost a parent... he does not know the impact it has on someone... he has no right to question my integrity about that... Obviously his message got under my skin because I am taking time to write about it and have processed it a lot this weekend... part of it, I think... is resentment.. towards him for trying to make me feel guilty abut it... I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I have done things to lead him on... I have told him where I was at with him... told him I didn't care enough about him to move there or for him to move here... I told him I wanted us to be friends... and have not acted in a way that would lead him to think otherwise.... he feels like I am being selfish...

He's right.  According to dictionary.com the definition of selfish is: devoted to or caring for only oneself... This trip is selfish... I am doing it as a way to take care of myself.  Caring only for myself... This does not mean that I don't care about other people in my life.. I do... I will do anything in my power to help people... and there are people who would do the same for me...Every day in my job I work to take care of other people's needs...  so... yes, in order to be able to continue caring for people I need to take care of me... so... yes... I will be selfish... I am going to Denver... and then I am going to go to the other Portland... I will go to Hawaii... Maybe to Italy and Greece... Go to New Orleans to  hear some real jazz.... and eventually I will go to Africa... because I want to... and because I will be able to... of course that means that I should work on getting my passport...

I think it is ok to be selfish once in a while... in fact... I think it is a necessity... I need time alone.  I need time away.  In order to be there for other people, in order to do my job... I need it...