If this is 40...

I went out tonight to celebrate Sara's birthday.  Today is not her actual birthday, but it's coming soon! We went out with Phil and our friends Matt and Melissa for drinks and dinner.  I am the youngest of the three of us in this picture... Melissa (front right) will be 41 soon... Sara (front left) is about to be 40... and I will enter the decade after the thirties this spring... I think we look Great!  Especially for 40!  I think we could pass for younger!  If this is 40, I say bring it on!

Going out tonight was a great way to finish my Christmas adventure... I got to go to NYC, got to spend time with Sis and the boys... and got some friend time... I am a lucky girl! 

Merry Christmas to All!

Feeling the love!

It was a great week! I feel more like Christmas than I have in a long time... but not sure it has anything to do with the calendar... I had my hospital meeting Monday and afterwards felt like a huge weight was lifted...Got the title to my truck, yup she's mine all mine! (Thanks Santa!)... I met my future husband... (Or at least the most qualified candidate I have met in a LONG time!) Had dinner last night with a couple of great friends, and today, got to have breakfast with Debbie!  THAT was the whip cream on the Sundae!  (I don't like Cherries to the whip cream is the top of the top!)  Tonight I took myself to my local watering hole for dinner and decided to pay for dinner for two people sitting opposite from me at the bar, both there solo... I watched them and eventually they struck up a conversation... I told the bartender to please put their bills on mine and tell them their bill was paid for by Santa and Merry Christmas... He looked at me and said why? I said... because ... They were pretty happy when he told them... Fun!!!  Tomorrow I head out to see Sis and the boys!  I cannot wait!  I am also gonna swing through NYC for a night and see a play...

I will miss seeing Dad, Betty, and Jacey for Christmas! 

But... I am feeling pretty grateful and hopeful... Merry Christmas to all!

It's not if... it's when... and what kind...

This afternoon I met with some of the "Top Dogs" at the hospital where I had my colonoscopy this fall... I took a friend with me because having a second set of ears, in my opinion, is ALWAYS a good idea.  Besides the two of us, there were 5 other people there... One woman who acted as the facilitator, a woman in charge of the nurses at the hospital, a woman in charge of the gastroenterology office and the endoscopy center at the hospital, the director of patient relations, and a man who played some role in the sedation department.

They thanked me for coming in and raising my concerns... and asked me to kick off the meeting by telling them my top concerns.  I told them that I was unsure, in coming to this meeting, whether they would want to lead or if they would ask me to lead.  I told them that given my experience my trust in them, their organization, was pretty low and I was not confident that the people sitting around the table had actually read my letter, that perhaps some of them were their to fill chairs in an attempt to appease me.  I said given that, I would prefer that they start the meeting, that each of them share with the group, what, from my letter stood out to them, to say which part of my experience they want to improve upon for other patients.

They honored that request.  The first woman to speak was from the gastroenterology office.  She said she was struck by my perception of staff dismissing my anxiety, that I felt like nobody reviewed my medical records ahead of time.  She wanted to assure me that everyone reviewed my medical history.  The next woman, head of the nurses, said she was struck by how dismissed I felt when I tried to tell people I had anxiety and said that repeatedly asking patients about whether or not they are on medication is part of their intake process to make sure they know how to treat their patients and not meant to stigmatize people or stereotype them. 

I interrupted and asked which it was... if people working with me had thoroughly read my medical history or if nurses needed to ask me questions to obtain the information that was already listed.  I said that my medical record indicated the only medication I take is a daily asthma inhaler.  So if the nurses were familiar with my medical records, they would know that when I told them I had anxiety about the procedure, they wouldn't have to ask about whether or not I was one of 'those people' who take anxiety medication... because they would know there was no history of anxiety listed and no medications listed.  I said they can't have it both ways... they tried to backtrack, but realized I was right.

The first woman said she was also struck that I had said nobody had explained to me why my procedure was moved from their office to the hospital.  She said she had a hard time believing that was actually the case.  The reason, which I found out AFTER my colonoscopy, after I had called their office multiple times to get the answer, was because of my weight.  Patients over a certain weight have the procedure done at the hospital.

I smiled a little... even though she basically had called me a liar... and said to her, "Let me ask you this...we are here because I wrote a 9 page letter to you detailing my experience. In that letter I detail my efforts to advocate for my needs, and I detail my concerns.  Do you really believe that if that information had been shared with me that I would not have had many DETAILED questions about why I would need to be at the hospital, about what risks would be different for me, about whether or not the procedure is any different, and about how that would change the sedation which was my huge concern?"  She sat back and didn't say anything else.

The facilitator, in trying to direct the conversation, said that as a hospital they have to be careful.  That some patients schedule elective surgery so that they can get medications which is why they ask so many questions.  I stopped her and said I did not see the relevance of that statement, because if what they had already said was true, that they had become very familiar with my medical record, they would know that I was not THAT patient.  She acquiesced and apologized for a poor example.  At that point the head of the gastro office said that part of the problem with what happened is that I am a VERY healthy woman.  That because I do not have other health issues, I was sent down one patient path which was the more conservative approach, but had they known I was a patient who had so much anxiety about the procedure they would have used different sedation medication.  I said to her that I wanted her to clarify that... I told her that I had told EVERY person with whom I spoke about my anxiety about this procedure.  I told her that I had told my primary care doctor, had told the intake nurse at her practice, had told the nurses and doctors who were involved with my procedure that day... and asked what else I should have done to indicate I was anxious.  She said I needed to ask that it be documented in my record and asked if she could update my medical record so that the next time I have this procedure they will know to use propofol instead of whatever they used.  I told her that it was ridiculous to have to ask that my anxiety be noted in my record, that one assumes the nurses doing the intake call for preregistration AND the nurses prepping me for the procedure itself would note or at least acknowledge that fear.  I also said that she could note in my chart to use different medication next time, but that I will likely ask that record to be sent elsewhere as it would be highly unlikely that I would do my next colonoscopy with them.  They hoped I would.  I also said that since she mentioned propofol, that AFTER the procedure I was asked by a nurse in her practice why I had not asked for propofol.  They all reacted to that and agreed with me when I said that as a patient who has no history with sedatives there would be no way for me to know to request a specific drug, let alone know that a request as such would be granted. 

The head of the nurses said she felt badly that the nurse had not been more helpful in getting a hospital gown that fit.  And I said, that if what they had been telling me in this meeting was true, that people had reviewed my medical record and that they work together, and that they had clearly communicated that I was having my colonoscopy at the hospital because I was too fat to have it done at their office, that they should have anticipated that a one size fits all gown does not.  I said that talking to people about their size/weight is something they need to do.  I asked them if they thought I, or other large people, wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "HOLY SHIT I'm 6'6!! How the hell did that happen, last night I was 5'2"?"  I said that people who are outside the average range are well aware of it... and I said that something THAT simple, getting a hospital gown that was appropriate without any commentary, would make a difference.

I am not sure exactly where from there the conversation went, but we got to a place where we talked about me waking up in the middle of the procedure.  Oh... I think we got there because I asked them how they determine what level of sedation is 'comfortable' for a patient, especially a patient to whom they have not listened. And...Much to my chagrin... I got emotional.  I tried hard not to, but I did... I said to them...  You had a patient in front of you whose number one fear is dying of cancer, for whom, given her family history it is not if she gets cancer it is when, and what kind.  I said that I was so terrified of being diagnosed with cancer, and that I had articulated to the sedation nurse that my biggest fear during the procedure was that I would wake up and hear them find something... and I said that was EXACTLY what happened.  That I woke up and heard the doctor say he had found a polyp and I was terrified.  I told them that despite having been that open, clear,  and vulnerable with the staff in the room that day, after again saying I did not want to see or hear anything, their response was to tell me I could watch the procedure on the tv that was in front of me...and when I repeated again that I did not want to see or hear anything, they suggested I close my eyes.  I think I saw two of the women tear up a little when I teared up, and they did apologize for that happening.

I asked why I woke up during and they said that medications effect people differently.  They said they had given me the maximum amount they could, but can now note in my record to give me more because I react differently to that medication.  They also said the medication they had given me is supposed to have amnesia effects on people, but that on some it doesn't.... case in point. 

I talked about humor, its use, and its timing.  I said that I appreciate people trying to use humor in creating a rapport with their patients, but when a patient is upset, anxious, and sharing her family history with you, THAT is NOT the time for staff to say to each other, "Did she just say her Dad had ovarian cancer? That's just not possible.." 

I also  talked with them about how their procedures and protocols are part of their routine, but for patients it is anything but.... they acknowledged that they need to do better with that.  I said that for them it is a job, for the patient it can be life or death.  I told them that this experience does not define me, but not addressing it would... I said that I could not have not let this go without addressing it.  I said that I had many concerns following my bad experience in how it was handled.  The woman with whom I had spoken was at the meeting today and she denied some of my accusations, but I looked her in the eye and told her we were both on the phone during those conversations and we both know what was said and we both know which one of us was reporting accurately.  She also denied trying to sweep things under the rug and trying to get it over... and I told her if that is the case she needs some coaching on how to communicate, how to convey her intended tone.   Her 'take away' from this experience was that at the beginning of this...I had clearly said that I was going to write a letter to share my experience and she said that she kept trying to push the process because she felt it was better to talk about the experience close to when it happened so that it would be fresh in people's minds... but said that she did not listen to what I was saying which was that I needed time to write a letter that writing a letter was my process, what I needed to do to get beyond the experience.

I told them that the letter was my therapy.  That having written about my experience was something I needed to do.  I said that I came into the meeting wondering if they were coming into the meeting with the mindset of having to deal with a dramatic patient, but that in the end their opinion of me didn't really matter. I said that I wanted to know what were their next steps.

With my permission, they said... they would like to take this experience back to their staffs and use it for training purposes.  I of course gave my permission and said to them, that at the heart of who I am, I am an educator, and if I can be of help, if they want a live person to share an experience I was willing to do that... to talk to their staff...to be their visual... I doubt they will, but maybe they will surprise me...

I said perhaps my biggest concern was the umbrella of self advocacy.  I said that their hospital has a lot of PR out there about encouraging patients to advocate for themselves... but that what they say they value and what they value are incongruent.  I said that they need to remember that patients are people.... and that with that comes emotional elements... sometimes triggers... and that they need to take time to listen to their patients, not rush through the procedures. Oh... the other part of this, the self advocacy... one of the women said that she truly hoped that this experience does not prevent me from doing future screenings because with my family history, despite being so healthy now, I needed to keep getting checked.  I told her I was grateful for my primary care doctor who will make sure I do the screenings... but I appreciated her comment...

There was a lot more, but... this is the gist... oh.. at the end they asked if I had more questions or if i needed anything from them at this time... I said I would like a written letter from them.  I said ideally it would be a letter of apology, but that I understood the position they would be in putting that in writing because an apology admits guilt of wrongdoing.. but that a letter of acknowledgement, of my negative experience, along with what steps they were going to take next given the information they learned from me and their impressions of my experience... and they said they may be able to do that.  May be able...

They offered contact info in case I wanted to reach out to someone again... and I said that brough up another point for me... that their website is not user friendly.  I said their website is strictly used to toot their own horns... that they praise themselves all over the place on that website, with articles about their new building, with quotes from satisfied patients, with their quotes about guaranteed patient care, blah blah blah... but that trying to find out where to find information on filing a complaint or figuring out who to contact was ridiculous and added infuriating for an unsatisfied customer...

Overall I feel like I can put this behind me... I doubt I will go to the same place again for this procedure and I will be asking a lot more questions before my next procedure...

Now I can look forward to vacation and not feel this is hanging over my head...

Final thought...  get the screenings... despite the bad experience I had... in the end I know I do not currently have colon cancer... and now will go every 5 years to be checked... just in case... and I will go... and hope everyone reading this gets checked out... for colon cancer or other cancers... do it!

Sometimes it is black and white... sometimes... it's gray.

One of my kids.. one of my regulars... came into my office the other day to talk to me about his 'credits.'... for graduation... when he asked me  if he has enough credits or will have enough to graduate I humored him... it is a conversation he and I have had, multiple times... and he knows he is fine... I knew there was something else on his mind... this is a kid I know pretty well... (recently he had missed a few days of school and when I reached out to his mom she said she hadn't seen him but she thought he was staying with his girlfriend... He and I have talked about his relationship status and I have reminded him to use protection in his relationship recreational activities...including him telling me that he didn't think he could get stds from white chicks!!!?? Oh my..... I told him that stds do not discriminate and that he needed to be safe... so when he had disappeared to be with his girlfriend for a few days I knew I wanted to meet with him when he returned... and I bought him a present... when he smirked at me when I asked where he had been I told him that little grin of his reminded me that I had bought something for him... he looked confused and asked what I would buy for him... I said it was a gift...not for him directly... and handed him a bag... he pulled out the baby bibs that said 'I Love My Daddy'... his face was priceless and he said he didn't need those... I told him that if he was off doing whatever he was doing instead of being at school he was going to make a baby that needs those bibs... he got my point... so.. he and I have spent a lot of time together... -for loyal blog readers, this is the kid who went on his first ever camping trip last year and was afraid of bears...)  so... after I again assured him he was okay as far as credits go... I asked what else was on his mind... he paused and asked if I had seen the news... I told him I had and asked if there was a specific part of the news he was asking about... 'that stuff in NY...' he said... I asked him if he meant the protests and he said yes.  I told him I had watched a lot of it on CNN and that I was proud that the protesters in Grand Central Station and those marching seemed to be doing so in a peaceful way... he said he was too... and paused... for a while... then he asked if I thought something like that could happen here, in Maine... and I asked if he meant the protests, knowing he didn't... he shook his head, looked at the floor and said,"Nah.... not the protests... I mean... the cops... you think cops here could just get away with killin' a black person?" And I paused... and his gaze slowly went from the floor and met my eyes... I sighed and said... "I wish I could guarantee you that it would never happen here... but the truth is, it could." We talked for quite a while and he shared that he thinks that cops can get away with anything... that all cops would need to do is to agree on a story and their word will be believed over anybody else's word.  He said that his mom has talked to him about how to interact with cops...that as a young black male his mom has told him he needs to make sure he learns to look people in the eye, speak well, be respectful, and to never talk out against a cop, never against a cop... he continued... said that cops ask black men to get out their license so that when the man reaches for his wallet the cops have an excuse to shoot and can say the man was reaching for a weapon...  and said that he gets nervous and is more nervous than ever when he gets off the public bus after his job and walks home... he said he often sees police driving past him and he asked me what he should do if they ever stop him.  That's a hard question... I would hope that if he was walking home he wouldn't get stopped by the police... but if he did get stopped I would hope that the police officer would approach him in a respectful way and tell him a reason for them stopping him... Knowing him, I adore him, but he can be defensive at times and his body language, mannerisms, and speech patterns could be interpreted... or maybe profiled is a better word...  as a thug..  and he is a person who so deeply believes that in order to give respect to people they need to give it to him... Knowing what to tell him in that moment was hard... a few weeks ago maybe I would have said put your hands up.. but that may now be perceived by police as disrespectful or patronizing... So I asked him what he would do if I was driving by him and stopped... he said he would come over and talk to me... I said that maybe he should look at it like that... that if a cop stops him, it is just someone who wants to talk to him... I said he should stop, turn and face the cops and say hello... answer their questions politely and cooperate with them... I said that he and I should sit and talk about his fears with our school resource officer... he is hesitant to do so, but I will get him to... he has a good rapport with our school resource officer... and I think it will help him...

I told him to cooperate with the police.... and I wonder if his cooperation matters... Kids in my school feel unsafe because of the recent grand jury decisions... I have not read the official documents from the cases... but what I know is that things have changed... police are supposed to be safe... what if they aren't? The attention about these cases has focused on race... how could they not? Do I believe there is some racism associated with the cases... yes.  Do I believe it goes beyond race? I do.  How can unarmed people be killed by police officers?

I posted the story about the football players from St. Louis who came out at the start of their game last weekend with their hands up... the gesture the protesters in Ferguson used which has becoming symbolic... I posted it AFTER watching some interviews given by the players who said their decision to enter the football stadium like that was not to disrespect police, but to remind people that there are more things going on in our world, in our country, more important things, than football...  I support that.. I think that racism is alive and well in 2014... and we need to have more dialogues about it... at all levels...

I feel good that this student... a black student... came to me.. his white female assistant principal... to have this conversation.  I know I don't have the right answers for him or know what it is like for him... a black male... on a daily basis... but... I'm learning more about that...about him, his life, all the time... and I appreciate that gift...

Happy Light

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping in Sam's Club... you know one of those buy in bulk warehouse places... I am one of the consumers for whom stores like that design their merchandise and displays.... When I was last at Sam's club as I walked in there were large screen tvs, some beautiful plants (which, if my thumb were even slightly green, would have come home with me), some Christmas present suggestions, and... as one of those suggested gifts was one called a "Happy Light." I was, ironically, drawn to it like a moth to a flame... (remember I hate moths!)... Over the years I have heard of the lights designed for people who are SAD (seasonal Affect Disorder) sufferers... those lights that offer simulated sunshine and the positive effects of it without the cancer  and sunburn risks...appealing...

It is no secret that this time of year is not my favorite... in fact I would say that I hate it.  This year I am already at the point I usually don't get to until, ohhh... Late January or early February...

It has been a hard fall... since my colonoscopy debacle... I feel like things have, pun intended, been in the shitter.  The negative experience at that appointment has still been weighing on my mind.  I have been in the proess of sending a formal complaint, but it has been quite a process to get the information I wanted in order to finalize my letter... and has led to further distrust... (Following a conversation with the patient relations liason in which she told me she had sent information I had requested three to four days before, I received a letter citing said conversation, attached to the documents she said had been sent out a few days before... yet her primary goal is to help me find resolution and to regain my trust... not quite how I would go about regaining trust...but I digress...) Since that procedure I feel like it has been hard to get my feet back under me.  I have alluded here that work has been hard this fall... it has.  I have had a couple of weeks where I have said to myself, "This is a bad week."  Since starting this job this is the first time I have used the adjective, bad, to describe a day, let alone a couple of weeks...

I think perhaps my empathy and compassion reserves are drained... as I type this one of my students is likely playing her violin at her father's funeral... I should probably be there... but I went to the visiting hours last night to let myself off the funeral hook... I knew I could not sit through a funeral today... that I need to take a break from the sadness... two of our students, unrelated, have lost a parent... both from cancer.  That is in addition to two of our staff members fighting cancer, numerous suicidal students, and a few situations in which I was close to giving our school resource officer the green light to cuff and stuff a kid... plus the 'typical' work stuff... I am drained. 

The truth is, it has triggered a lot for me... and in addition to the sadness at work, I feel like my own grief has been triggered... but I am ok... I am working, consciously working, to do something just for me, every day... sounds hokey... but.. it has helped. 

I have clung on to the positive moments with both hands... something as simple as having a student ask to see me to thank me for checking on her in previous days (she is friends with both students who have lost their parents) means a lot... having a staff member come up and say how impressed they were that I had taken time last spring to sit in with the band... makes me feel like there are things in my job that extend beyond helping kids cope with mental illness, grief, and anger...

Given the dark rain cloud that has been hanging over things... combined with the shorter days... have me feeling anxious about winter, about losing more daylight, about it being so cold outside I only want to go from my house to my truck to my job to my truck to my house... I want the sun to shine... I want to feel the warmth... and so... I bought the Happy Light... and, in an effort to be transparent... the fact that the store was promoting it as a huge sale, offering it at $10 less than they wanted me to think they would usually offer it, didn't matter.... it had me at 'Happy...' 

The idea of being able to buy something that doesn't make them happy, not in the way that people feel after buying something they have wanted for a long time, but to buy something that alleges that it can, scientifically speaking, help me feel happy... free of drugs... was endearing... more than endearing... it gave me hope... hope that I could do something to make me feel happier... so,  I brought it home... and... I left it in its box... for about a week and a half... looking at it wondering if it had really come to that point... of needing to sit in front of a light in order to help me feel better...

OK.. I must stop here... because... I know people in my life, who are close to me, are worried about me... about all the work stuff and how it has impacted me... some have asked if I have considered 'talking' to 'someone'... the truth is... I thought about it... a lot... but... decided that given all that is going on... I think that my reaction is... wait for it... 'normal.'  (Hypocritical of me to use that word perhaps... but...)  Have I felt depressed? Yes.  Has my anxiety been heightened? Yes.  But... I believe it is situational, and I believe it is going to get better.  I have taken some steps to take care of myself... I reached out to my doctor because despite trying to do tings to help me sleep better, like 'unplugging' an hour before I want to go to sleep, I have not been sleeping... or had not been... my doctor gave me a prescription to help me fall asleep... I asked for it because I needed help getting back into some kind of a sleep pattern... it has helped.  I haven't taken it the last few nights and have been able to fall asleep, by 10:00 even, so don't feel like I need to continue the meds. but am glad I have them if I need them..   I rejoined my gym... and while I have only gone a few times, it is a step... I am going to go when I can... and believe it will eventually become more a part of my routine... and I am leaning on people... in various ways..it's amazing how even a little daily banter can help...... and... as I said, I am doing at least one thing each day, that is just for me... from going to the chiropractor (actually chiopractors...I am trying another doc to see if the adjustments from her have results that last a bit longer..) to getting manicures/pedicures, to saying no to going to school related functions after having a very hard day... and to not go to funerals today... that's a  big one... and... I have decided to allow someone back into my life, even if it is only temporary... because I need this person... right now... this person knows why I have reached out, why I have opened this door... and is willing to be there for me... for which I am grateful... So... I know I cannot stop people from worrying, but I also want people to know I know I am going through a tough time and I am doing what I can do, to keep myself afloat...and I am okay... I also believe that things at work will improve... and even though winter is here to test me... I believe things will improve...

So... this Happy light... whether or not it scientifically makes a difference... is symbolic for me... it's hope... in the form of a happy light... I took it out of  its box... and... I am going to turn it on every day, at some point, and believe in its... its power...

And as I get ready to spend time with an amazing person later today... I am looking forward to it... maybe it's working already...  

Rub a Dub Dub..

I planned a self indulgent night away... and for the most part, it was exactly what I needed... I wish the weather had been better, it was rainy, cold rainy, and windy... but I slept in Saturday morning, woke up and then cuddled with the kitties for a bit... they have been feeling neglected... watched an episode of a show on Netflix and then decided to make breakfast.  I had debated about going out, but decided it was just as easy to stay in... then I got ready to hit the road and stopped to get gas.  Gas was under $3.00 a gallon!!!??? That was a good way to start my trip.  I drove to North Conway NH and decided to do some shopping before going to the hotel and managed to find some good things... though my intentions were to do some Christmas shopping I ended up buying things for myself... Merry Christmas to me??  It was fun to not have to be on a schedule and when I got to check into the hotel I was ready to relax... or so I thought... I unpacked a bit and since I had reserved this specific room for its gigantic bathtub I decided that should be my next move.  I filled the tub and got in... now it has been a looooong time since I took a bath... since my legs are so long I rarely have the opportunity to soak in a tub... so I soaked for a few minutes and then wondered what all the fuss is about... I was hot... the water was hot and the room was hot... and to be honest...I was... bored... so... I got out of the tub... got some cold water to drink, turned the heat way down or the AC on, I don't know which, put a cd in the room's dvd player...not just any cd by the way... the soundtrack to Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grille... the show I saw in NYC last spring, that was AMAZING... I got back in the tub got comfy, closed my eyes and listened... I heard Audra MacDonald portraying Billie Holiday... and I was taken back to that show... to sitting at the table closest to the stage on which she performed... and I could picture her expressions, her body language... and I was able to relax... It was NICE.... after the cd ended I decided I should decide if I wanted to go out to dinner or go get some snacks... and since the room had a dvd player decided a movie or two would also be a good option... though I rarely sit and watch a movie because that usually leads to multitasking...emailing, facebooking, etc... I decided I should go out to dinner AND have some snacks for later... I ended up having dinner at the bar in the hotel and it was pretty good.  The Bruins game was on and there were a couple of English blokes at the bar drinking girly drinks and asking the bartender to experiment with various combinations... it was quite entertaining... but I was drawn back to my room and took another bath... yes, that's right... two baths in one night... and while in the tub, watched a movie... or part of one at least... (the tub was in the main part of the room.) 
I did end up texting a bit after the second soaking... and watched all of both movies... and felt pretty good...
I need to do more to relax....on a regular basis... and need to make it a priority... We all should... so... do something just for you, and do it soon! 

Some Balance...

One of the kids I work closest with is a teenage mom.  I met her first a couple years ago when she was high... and shortly after she shared with me she was pregnant... She is a kid whose family support has been nonexistent... she had already been parenting... parenting her younger sibling and her mom who is an addict... Since that time she has had her baby  and is a great mom... not a great teenage mom, a great mom.  And the baby's father, very much involved and being a great dad. (They have been living together with his parents.)  This week this girl has had a hard week... the relationship between her and the baby's dad has ended, but they have maturely agreed to continue to coparent. Instead of acting like teenagers, they have both been able to say that the other is a good parent, but that, for now, being boyfriend and girlfriend is not good, because they are not treating each other the way they should.  We were talking about it the other day and she told me that a parent of one of her friends continues to make comments about how irresponsible she is to be a teen mom.  I shook my head and said that this parent should be judging her for the kind of parent she is not because she is a teenage mom... the girl smiled and said that I said something similar to her when she told me she was pregnant.  I said, Oh yeah?.. She proceeded to relay the story.. she told me her news and I asked her how she felt about it.  She told me she was scared but that she was keeping the baby.  She said I didn't hesitate and said to her, Ok then, it's your job to take care of you and the baby and it's my job to support you as you do.  She smiled and said how much that meant to her.
Tonight, after standing outside for a cold football game, which lasted forever and we lost... I got a text from her.  A picture of her and her son dressed up in costumes, with a note that said Happy Halloween.  I responded and thanked her for sending it to me, for thinking of me... and she wrote back and said:  ALWAYS! 

It's those moments that make me know I am where I am supposed to be... and I do help kids...

It helps with the balance...

Does it balance?

The sun is shining today, or so I assume since there is bright light around my window shades... I have yet to peek out there yet as I was very determined to sleep in this morning... but that didn't happen.  My sleep was interrupted last night by thoughts about work... it has been a.... shall I say busy and eventful few weeks? I do so much at work with kids around social media and its implications... and last night learned that one of my nephews has begun flirting with vulgar language in his text with his friends... Given the nature of my job, I am not surprised, but as his auntee... I am of course disappointed..  Sis is handling it great though... having some tough, candid conversations, and for that I applaud her.  In my role I am continually surprised by parents who don't think they have the 'right' to look at their kids' phones or ipads... because that would violate their privacy or would cause world war three to erupt in their homes... since when has parenting been about avoiding conflict instead of parenting? It's crazy...
So.. some highlights of my last few weeks..
-because I am a bit more tech savvy than my co administrators I get to be the searcher of all things electronic... one search yielded photos and videos I wish I could unsee... efforts to see up skirts... hidden cameras in bathrooms... having to call the parent of the videographer and of the 'victims' who were recorded...
- having to tell a very fragile student that our school does not have the resources needed to truly give this student what she needs, to truly help her get to a place where the emotional pieces are secondary to the day to day living pieces, and to tell her we are sending her to an alternate school in hopes she can gain some skills and return... to see the fear in her eyes of another change in her life, the fear of 'losing' the connections she has made with our staff... and the fear of the unknown... was hard, but I also believe I saw, in her, a sense of relief...because she knows too, that she needs more...
- busting students for smoking marijuana in the bathroom... whose parents are all over the spectrum from being in denial to wanting to lay the hammer down hard... having to show screenshots of student conversations to prove to parents their child was involved... and dealing with the after effects, these girls have been harassing, via text, students who were invited to also smoke, but said no, and the language being said to these kids is unbelievable, including threats of urinating and defecating on their faces...(how does one even begin to go there in their mind, let alone text it to another kid?)
- having to be involved in a referral to our child protective services because a parent has had physical altercations with their child and after the kid gets to school, their safe place, sends abusive texts to their kid saying things like 'You are a miserable fucking excuse for a human being.'  Yes, a parent sent that to their child. 
- supporting a student, a senior, an only child, whose father is losing his battle with cancer and whose mother is just beginning her battle with cancer... and whose closest family is eight hours away...
- supporting staff as they support another student (who I do not know well) whose mother, single parent, is terminally ill, also cancer... and whose local family members are unable to provide care for this student... two of my coworkers went above and beyond by accepting an invitation from this parent to meet her at her home to try to develop a plan for her daughter after she dies and wanting the school, who has shown such care for her child, involved in that plan...the parent told our staff she is terminal, but her daughter will learn that news this weekend...
- supporting staff as two of our own are battling cancer...
- meeting a girl who was posting signs around our building about dress code... (she usually works with the other AP, but since she seemed to be emotional and perhaps in need of a female perspective we spent some time together...) learned she had an abortion last year... in her mind 'forced' into it by the parents of the boy who impregnated her because, in her mind, her own parents were not strong enough to fight for her and against them...
- being verbally attacked for 20 minutes at the most well attended football game, by a parent who was upset her daughter had not followed the rules about getting into the dance the following night... blaming us, citing kids have so much added responsibility 'these days' including having to monitor their team's facebook pages for updates... Really lady? I let her go on about that for a while then chimed in: you are right, kids are overwhelmed with technology. I mean with the phone your daughter uses and is often in trouble for texting in class, there is no way she could have set an alarm to remind her to buy her ticket, even though she remembered to go to the salon to get her nails done for the dance, she could have looked at the school's webpage to see the numerous reminders for the past two weeks about buying tickets, oh and as an involved parent I am sure you also take time to check our daily announcements which are not only read over the intercom daily, but posted on our website which have stated multiple times when/where to buy tickets and stated the deadline, not to mention the kids who are all over twitter talking about their dresses and excited that they got their tickets...the parent went on an on about how much the other assistant principal and I suck at our jobs that we are out of touch with kids... and eventually I told her she was welcome to make an appointment to talk with us on Monday (after the dance) but that I was no longer going to engage in the conversation since my primary responsibility at that moment was to supervise the 500-600 kids who had come to support their team... and another parent who showed up at the dance with her kid who had no ticket and bullied me about letting HER daughter in..because HER daughter is amazing... (truthfully her daughter is amazing, but that's not the point!)... she wore me down to a point where I said, look, I am not gong to fight with you on this.  If you, as a parent think the lesson you want to teach your daughter is that because her mother has a louder voice than other parents, she can come to the dance even though there are students who wanted to come but because they follow the rules and understand they made a mistake are not going to come to the dance, by all means, let your daughter come... she did. 
- Having to be at an athletic function, not because i wanted to, but because a parent has been threatening a coach... a parent with whom we have had issues before... having to make sure our school resource officer was there as well... and this parent disappointed... threatened physical bodily harm to a parent from the opposing team... before we were gong to remove him, he removed  himself... but there are lots of elements here to deal with, as far as how the future goes with this parent.

That's a lot, right? Yes... and in between those things are the other things... assigning detentions for food fights in the cafeteria, restorative conversations about stealing food from the cafeteria... and there are some good things too:
- Had a meeting this week... with a kid who should, chronologically, be graduating this year... but has less than half the credits required to do so... a kid whose parents refused special education services at the end of middle school because the kid needed to buck up and do it on his own... looked at his transcript... found that he has taken a few classes multiple times... failing each time.  (I HATE that... there is no way we should be having the same kid take the same class from the same teacher and expect different results! yes, on my list of things we need to change!)  I brought him in to talk to him... he said, I am not going to do a fifth year... why would I? I have failed all four years why stay around, just to fail again.... OUCH... but he is right... I asked him what classes he had taken, where he earned the credit.. he said the hands on classes where I can build things, put things together, fix things... (Yes guidance counselor SHOULD be having this conversations.but...) so why has he never gone to our career technology high school (used to be called Voc.)? Because he was short on credits and he needed to be at school to maximize his potential to earn more credits...(kids who go to our career tech. high school can get 3 credits per year, where kids who stay at our school for the same amount of hours can choose to take four classes, earning four credits.)   ummmm.... wouldn't three credits be better than... oh... say.. zero??  I ask him about whether or not he would go to our career tech. school.  he says he always wanted to, but was told he couldn't... (by... guidance...)  I asked if I could get him to the tech school and look at some credit recovery if he would think about another year... he shrugged and said he would have to see... called him in the next day after talking with the principal who, thankfully, gave  me the green light to be as flexible with this kid as I want to be... Told him I could help him recover 4 credits, plus help him earn 3.5 additional credits this year with the career tech school and a couple of other required courses ... and that if he returned for a fifth year he could go to the career tech school for the full year and take two required course and some PE electives he would enjoy... for the first time since knowing this kid... he looked like he had hope... and said he is on board!  Now I just need to get teachers to get on board with credit recovery... yahoo!!!  I don't care if kids graduate in five years, but I care a lot when they drop out after four...
- Making good progress with some parents of students in our autism program... trying some different consequences to try to curb behaviors... and while the parents said they would try my crazy ideas, they were skeptical... and had HUGE success with their kid this week...
- One of the programs I oversee has made huge improvements this year in the way they work with their kids involving a level system... for the last two weeks in order to see anyone from that program, I have had to go to them to check in because student behavior has not resulted in them coming to me!  yahoo!
- One of my senior girls who is fabulous and does so well at school, came to me crying because grades are closing next week and between school and her three jobs she is doing to pay for college she is feeling overwhelmed and I offered her a 'work day' where she could be exempt from her classes to just get work done... she was so grateful she brought me a vanilla bean coolatta from dunkin' to say thank you... (Yes she somehow knew that was one of my favorite drinks!)
- One of my students last year, who was expelled has been allowed to return to school with very strict expectations, and she is doing it!  (Not to say she hasn't had a few moments where she bursts into my office in tears and needs some moments to calm down, but she is NOT taking her anger and frustration out on teachers or peers!) 
- Got an email form the principal expressing his deep gratitude for the work I do and how lucky he feels to have me on his team... (Could not have come at a more needed moment!)
- Had a parent get a little teary eyed and say how thankful she was that I am here for her kid..
-My sister reached out to me for advice about how to deal with a situation with one of the boys... as an aunt and as an assistant principal...

So... does the good in these last few weeks balance out the bad enough to keep me going... close... but it's the HOPE I have that the good will always outweigh the bad... in the end... these last few weeks have been hard... very hard... the events described above are a lot to deal with in the course of months... but it has felt so concentrated... so unbelievably concentrated...

I am trying to take care of me... it's not easy.. but I am trying... I went to the gym twice last week... not a lot, true... but two more times than I have been in the last several months... so, that's progress... and... next weekend I have reseed a room for myself in a hotel, elsewhere, that has a big ol' tub... where I intend to soak... for hours... in peace... away from ALL this... and I cannot wait! 

More Fall Paddling

It was a beautiful day to be on the water... 

It worked... almost

I needed to get out of my head... badly.. and decided that I needed to get on the water, despite a huge urge to stay in bed all day... I wanted to go to a new place, but it was too windy, so opted for a protected river instead... feathers, ducks, and some fall colors helped calm my mind a bit... 

Here are some pictures...