A brief update...

I guess today is a big day for many people... Easter.  For many it is more sacred, I suppose, than Christmas. My family has never been huge on Easter.  I do remember getting Easter baskets as a kid, my most vivie memory was the year we got bunny chairs... they were inflatable.  Mine was brown I think and my sister's was pink... or maybe mine was blue... she always got pink.  The bunny  chair had long ears and a bright orange carrot.  I am pretty ignorant about the religious aspects of Easter... I think it is about resurrection... and I suppose I have always interpreted that to mean new beginnings... For many people Easter means family.  When people, over the years, inquire about my Easter plans and I often haven't had solid ones, people are not sure how to react.  I think they think it is odd... but for me, it's fine... I had planned on heading north this weekend to visit Dad and Betty, but it was a long week at work.  Wednesday I was at school from 6:45 am to 9:00 pm... My plan was to also stay late on Thursday, to finish some teacher evaluations that need to be finished and sent to the Supt. tomorrow... but after the long day on Wednesday I was in no shape Thursday to do so.  I called Dad and asked if I could postpone my lakeside reservations, needing to head into school this weekend.  He of course understood.  Even though I did need to spend time at school... turns out I did about 5 hours yesterday and 4 today... I also managed to have some fun.  I got to have dinner and see a movie with Suellen.  (The movie OZ that has just been released into theaters... not worth going to, just sayin'!)  I also got some time with Sara and Phil and Maria.  Oh my gosh, she is getting so big and is cuter than ever.  She was chatty all day... She is such a smart kid too and repeats everything!  Sara told me a story that recently they were going through a drive through, which they rarely do, and asked Maria what she wanted.  She responded that she wanted nuggets, fries, and a small diarrhea!  Where does she get that stuff? Sara asked her what that meant and Maria wasn't sure.  As Sara was telling me the story, Maria started running around and laughing.  She is quite the little comedian.
I enjoy getting to spend time with my friends. I really do.  I talked to Sara and Phil about trying to meet some new people and I think it made Sara feel guilty.  She got a little emotional and said that she hoped I knew that I could call her anytime... then followed it quickly with, even though I never call back... I believe that Sara and Phil like to spend time with me... that they love me like family... but when I am the one always  initiating contact it doesn't always feel that way.  It is what it is... and I want to add some people to my circle who will reach out to me as much as I reach out to them...
This should be an exciting week.  At work we continue our process to hire a new principal.  I am excited at the prospects.  Also, having completed this round of teacher evaluations I feel like a big weight has been lifted and I like that....and it is the first of two weeks left before vacation!  Yahoo!  I am very excited about vacation.  I plan on doing some volunteering and some kayaking at the beginning of the week and the end of the week will involve spending time with Michael!!  He is making the trip to Maine and I am very excited about that.  We don't have anything specific planned, but are hoping Mother Nature plays nicely and allows us to enjoy the beauty of Maine.
I also need to finalize my tire plans... yup tires.  I need to buy four tires for my truck... I had no idea how expensive tires are until I started pricing them at different places.  Thankfully Dad has offered to pay for two of the tires..(Thanks Dad!!!)  But it is still quite expensive.  I thought it would be easy... to compare tires... but each tire place carries different brands of tires... who knew there were so many things to consider when replacing tires... I mean.. needing four round rubber things on my truck is all I need... but apparently it isn't that simple!  I am leaning towards having it done at the dealership... but I am not sure yet... I have a couple of other places to price... If I had a man in my life.. this would totally be one of his jobs.  Ha!

Better Balance

I talked with Dad and Betty today.  Betty talked to me about making sure I find time for myself... to find fun. I do need better balance.  Work is going well, I still love my job, but it is tiring.  Last week felt like a very long week, despite having a snow day.  I do need to find ways to recharge, re-engergize... I am just not sure how to do that... although kayaking is a good option once the snow melts... hard to believe that a year ago I already had a couple of trips under my belt.  I am in the midst of craziness at work... it's budget season which means lots of meetings and I am also serving on the committee to hire a new principal... which is also time consuming.  Last week was crazy... seems like most are... Some of the highlights involve a big fight, trying to manage two students who are in a mutually abusive relationship, and a Friday afternoon of drama during which the principal asked me to walk around the building with him... I was not impressed with that request.  I have no idea why he wanted me to accompany him in the halls... though I heard later that as he was walking the halls solo and asked some students to go to class they asked him who he was.  So part of me thinks after his afternoon meeting was cancelled he got a bee in his bonnet to walk through the halls and get kids back to class and after kids asked who he was, he decided to continue his journey, with back up.  I was in the midst of dealing with a sensitive situation and when he stopped in asking me to go for a walk I told him it wasn't a good time, but he was persistent.  I like him.  I have learned from him.  I have appreciated his approach with things... but there are things that have been concerning... On Friday afternoon as I was trying to deal with a situation and he interrupted me, his lack of social awareness rose to the top of the list of concerns... But it all worked out in the end... well... I won't truly know until next week if things with the student was resolved... but I hope so... I also need to remind myself that I am still new to this job.  Granted, the day to day stuff is pretty much second hand, though I often find myself shaking my head... but I have not yet experienced a school year's closing from an administrative perspective.  So while I am juggling a lot, I am also still learning...
I haven't blogged much... partly because so much of my life these days is work and while I have shared bits of things here, I don't feel I can post everything due to confidentiality and also because by the time I have processed everything, I am wiped out.
The lack of blogging also makes me realize that Betty is right, I need to find better balance.  I need to find ways to meet more people.  I am lucky, I have many friends, many people I can depend on... but most of those friends have families and are often busy... I could make more of an effort to try to see those friends, but also play that game of waiting to see who will call me... I don't always like being the caller.  One way  am hoping to expand my social circle is to volunteer.  I have decided to volunteer on a monthly basis at a soup kitchen.  I told Betty about it today and she asked me if it was something that would be depressing to do... I agree that it can be sad to see people who need that kind of help... but it also helps me appreciate things in my life.  I know that volunteering is about giving something, but I also believe that people who volunteer do so because they too get something out of it... for me... I am hoping to meet some other volunteers... and also feel that giving my time at the soup kitchen will make me feel less guilty for not giving money to the many homeless people that seem to be on more and more intersections asking for money.  That doesn't make the idea of volunteering seem very selfless... I may also consider volunteering at the red cross blood center.  I would only want to work the snack table, as a way to chat with people... but I don't want to commit to too much right now... I like not having my job on the turnpike, like not having to commit to those hours and yet I am looking to find ways to fill my time.  I also need to start doing more things out and about, even if it means going solo.  I need to start frequenting events or specific restaurants to get to know people.
I am hoping the warmer weather and longer days will also offer more opportunity to meet people.  I have not found any people at my gym who make me want to know them... and am wondering if I will run into people elsewhere.
I am looking forward to my April vacation... originally I had looked into heading to NYC.. Tom Hanks is starring in a Broadway show there...and I also learned Bette Midler is also performing!  Can you imagine seeing them both on Broadway??  But as I looked into the cost and knowing I have to soon buy four new tires for my truck... I thought it wiser to stay put... but there is much to look forward to.  As it works out there will be some unexpected adventures! Stay tuned on that one!
I do need to find better balance... and I will...

April & May

During the course of a day I see many kids about their attendance.. and when they are in my office I talk with them about grades and how they are doing... Today a girl that I have only seen a few times came in.. and after talking about attendance we talked about grades and she broke down... a kid in all advanced classes, failing three of them... and she just fell apart in my office... her mom died... two years ago.... well it will be two years in may... and her mom's birthday was in April.  She lives with her step-dad but has no other family... and she is struggling... My heart just broke for her... as she told me about losing her mom to cancer... and it hit close to home... in April it will be four years since losing mom and in May I will have another birthday without her.  The student talked about how there are moments where she just loses focus and works so hard to just contain her emotions to not fall apart that focusing on school is hard... I am worried about this kid... I told her about Mom... not a lot, but enough to let her know I get it... more than some may... but my heart broke... I was 33 when Mom died... and am still not over it.. not even close... she is a kid, 15... in high school with so many things happening... and she is alone in many ways... she has her step dad, but she shared that they coexist... I know how hard it has been losing mom... I cannot imagine what it would have been like if it had happened when I was in high school.

I have had a lot in my head lately... cleaned some of it out in a long email to a friend last night... but it's still there... and Mom is part of it... it's March... which will be followed by April 18 and May 8.... the day Mom died and our birthday...and I can feel it coming... missing her more, thinking about things, reliving things...  and  in addition to those dates, things at work are hectic... the principal leaving has added another layer of things... and as someone told me... Mom in many ways kept me grounded, always provided that positive spin on things, assurance in ways... and as much as I love my job, it has been a lot on my plate, lots of new things, constantly experiencing new things, constantly strategizing how to best help kids while navigating adults... and I miss her... the comfort she provided... not that other people in my life don't provide that, but... it's different...

I hated not being able to tell this student today that it will get easier, that things would get better... but I know that she needs to go through the process... and I hope I can offer some support... I asked her who at school she feels close to and she shrugged, not being able to identify one adult... so... I will work to become that person... she is on my list now, to see weekly... especially in April and May... but I must remember to be cautious...make it about her and not me...

It's a good day to be alive!!!

After a long week it was AMAZING to stay in bed today until almost noontime, yes noontime.  I woke up at about 6:00 this morning and reminded myself that I could sleep in because it was Saturday and I fell back asleep, most likely with a smile on my face.  I then woke up again at about 8:30 and planned to get up shortly after, but the next time I looked at the clock it was about 10:00.  I then proceeded to watch some television and cuddle with the cats who have made it clear lately that I need to be home more... Eventually I got up and around then walked to the bread store for a breakfast sandwich.  The guy behind the counter was mister sunshine ,rainbows, and unicorns... so happy about spring that it was contagious.  Actually I was pretty excited about the weather today before I even got to the bread shop, but his excitement was fun to be part of.  After that I headed to Jacey's and we walked the beach.  I think I got a bit of a sunburn, but not a bad one.  It was nice to get some sun!
 Last night I went to our local minor league NBA team's game with Meg.  It was fun to be there, to visit Meg, and I got to see Debbie and her family!  It was fun to get to make faces at her across the court and some seat dancing too!  Love that lady!  Because Meg had arranged going to the game for some families from the town where she works.  And because of being there as part of a group, the kids with her were invited to go onto the court and high five the players as they return to the court.  Since Meg's crew was small we invited Debbie's son and his friends to join in and they did.  When it came time to get ready Meg, Debbie, and I walked all the kids over.  The team PR guy who arranged it had told Meg that the kids would get tshirts, but the guy who took us over to the high five tunnel, as they called it, was not the same guy. The kids were on the court and we got to stand and watch, but were where the players went by.  For the hell of it, I put my arm up to see if they would high five me.. and it was funny to see some of their faces as they looked way up at my hand and then looked me in the eye... funny!  The kids had fun and afterwards the guy started to escort us back to our seats and I asked him about the tshirts.  He looked confused and said there were no tshirts.  At that point the kids were kind of clumped up looking up at our conversation and I looked at the kids and said, "Sorry Children, this bad man said you cannot have tshirts."  His face dropped, he didn't know what to do... and as I was about to let him off the hook, Meg jumped in and smoothed things over.  It was pretty funny.. maybe not to the 'bad man' but it was funny.  Maybe as a way to relieve some of my stress from the week.

Speaking of stress... as I said, it was a long week... there are many stories I could share... but two are at the top of my list... They are completely unrelated, though both related to school...

Story one... actually happened yesterday.  It was a teacher day, no kids... but even though there were no kids that does not mean that the actions of kids were not a big part of my day... The superintendent asked the other assistant principal and I to take a walk with her into our new school.  (Our building is being rebuilt and we have many areas of new construction.)  I was excited to see what the building looked like, but not because we needed to look at some graffiti.  But... that's what happened.  Some kids broke into the site found paint and went a little crazy.  Part of there 'artistic' expressions included my name and the word women really hate being called...worse than the b word... My name was the only name included in the graffiti.  The other AP asked me after we had toured the graffiti, if I was ok, seeing my name and being called that.  And I am okay... The irony... the kid who we think did it... is a kid who works primarily with the other assistant principal, was recently suspended by the other assistant principal...but.. is a kid we often meet with together... a kid I have been pretty short with... a kid who I have been very blunt with about his lack of boundaries with females... so, it would make sense that he would be mad at me... we'll see what happens.  It's one of those things that will happen... in some ways I am surprised it has taken this long to be written about on a large wall... and I know it isn't about me.. I mean it is... but it's about the bigger picture for this kid or whatever kid did this.  I have been thinking a lot about any kids who I have made angry lately... and I can't think of any... I honestly think that a picture taken by the kids who dd it will surface... on facebook, twitter, or instagram... It will show up... and when it does it will be ironic because I have been the social media cop... I do want to find proof of who did it...

Story 2...
This is the story that I want to preface with me being okay.. mostly for my Dad's benefit... Dad, It is fine, was fine, I promise...
Part of my job is watching attendance of students... and if our students become truant we sometimes do home visits... we show up, find the student if we are lucky... and tell them they need to return to school.  Thursday was our morning truancy meeting.   We talked about a lot of kids who had not been coming to school and our school completion coordinator, who I like to call our truancy officer...and I decided to take a road trip to visit three of our students.  We often just show up, but I had called ahead, telling people we would be stopping by... Our first visit went well... offered some supports to a student who has been ill... stop number two was a bust... the student has left the state and since she is 18, there is nothing we can do.  She will count as one of our drop outs... then there was our final stop...
It is one of those places where you know not to sit down... fearing what is in the cushions We knocked on the door and the mom answered and was overly excited to see us... in the mode of wanting us to believe she is a good parent... also there was the grandmother who sat saying nothing... we were also met by an overly outgoing younger man, probably 20 or so, who made an effort to keep us in the living room and signaled our student to step into a back room with him for a moment as we talked to the mom... both boys returned and I told the student he needs to come to school... told him that I have heard that he is involved in some activities outside of school that needs to not overlap with school... the other younger male at that point kind of got in our student's face and told him to keep their business private.  I quickly changed the subject and asked if the student needed anything to get back to school... and they assured us he will be at school Monday... on our way back to work we talked and think that when the two males left momentarily they were hiding some drugs.... but  I didn't think much of it... later that day the truancy officer comes flying into my office and says loudly, "We could have been killed!"  He is a pretty calm individual and I found his panic amusing... and thought he was kidding... he then proceeds to tell me that he had talked to our school police officer about where we had been and he looked up the address on the police log and found that there had been some activity there... activity that involves drugs and weapons... I truly do not believe we were in danger. I told our truancy officer that "It is a great day to be alive!"  but again, I think we were not in danger... We were not there to search the place, and kept the mood friendly... But it did give me food for thought.. up until now we have not had our school resource officer look up information about police activity at homes before we visit... I think that may become part of our practice...

Anyway... I am feeling tired... and am signing off...

Pride

Looking out at the very high and deep snowbanks I wonder if my first kayak adventure of 2013 will happen in March as it did last year.  I hope so... really hope so.
But that's not the only thing on my mind.  This week at work has been... eventful.  I have gotten little sleep... I debated early in my new position about how far I would bend boundaries for kids.. and before I knew it I had given my cell phone number to a couple of kids... and they have respected it and have not abused it.  I gave it out with the purpose of kids texting me as a way to encourage their attendance..It has been effective... one of the girls reached out to me on Monday and was in a bad bad place.  It led to many conversations with many people and a debate about whether or not to call police or an ambulance... and the fear that this girl may kill herself... I have talked with kids about it before, involved social workers of course... and have ensured kids had a plan for safety... this kid... man... couldn't get that.  I was really afraid to go to sleep only to wake up to a panicked phone call from her mom... Fortunately that didn't happen.  But we are not out of the woods.  She has had a rough week... finally yesterday she agreed to let me come see her at her house.  (I made sure her Mom would be there too...) and we talked.  she was brutally honest with me... she is in need of some major interventions for substance abuse, depression, and anxiety.  The services she can get are different than the services she needs because of money.  I hate that. the visit, in some ways lessened my fears, an in other ways confirmed and heightened them... It is an unresolved situation that will continue to unfold.  To be honest, it scares me.  I don't know how to help her... but I am covering all bases, involving the social workers, her Mom, other staff in our building... and am trying to be there for this kid... allowing her to talk to me while remaining an authority figure is a delicate balance... I worry about her so much...

On Tuesday I met with a parent of a different child... whose story is as tragic and heartbreaking... a child suffering from a serious eating disorder.. .again a situation where if money was available would maybe be a different situation.  Her mom cannot afford what is needed and so she is getting by... finances... meh.

And through some of these situations this week my head was in Hollywood.  Did you know that each person who was nominated to win an Oscar was given a gift bag that contained gifts that added up to $45,000.  Gifts that included a trip to Australia, expensive alcohol, and who knows what else... Really? GIVING $45,000 to stars who can afford to do those things on their own... whose hotel rooms were probably comped, whose clothing was probably given because it would get so much press....were GIVEN $45,000??? Why can't the Oscars give that amount of money to each nominee to be donated to a school of their choice... and if Hollywood needs to get some kind of payoff... make a documentary about the kids the money helps... I have never been a huge fan of those award shows...but this makes me sick.  Oh..... the kids I could help with $45000.

Ok.. onto other things...
Basketball in Maine.  Basketball, I should specify, HIGH SCHOOL basketball in Maine is part of our rich culture.  Granted the people from 'away' who visit us in the summer or head to our ski slopes in the winter are oblivious to how basketball plays a role in out lives... I suppose I should also give some information about Maine so that you have a better frame of reference... Many people think Maine is not really a big state... but from end to end, driving in a car, you would spend over 8 hours from start to finish... Mainers talk about the state by region... You are either from Southern Maine, Central Maine, Nothern Maine, The County, Downeast, and the Western part of the state.  Southern Maine... defined by most as Freeport (home of LLBean) south...Central Maine is Freeport to Waterville... and then there is  Northern Maine, which is defined differently depending on where  you live, but basically anything Bangor or above... except for The County.  The County is a reference about the biggest county in Maine, Aroostook County.  It's the part of the state that is the most undeveloped and underpopulated...the most pure perhaps... And is often the butt of people's jokes about Mainers... even people who live in the rest of Maine make fun of The County and people who are from there... things inferring that there is no electricity, running water, etc.  And there's Downeast... The part of Maine... that sees the sun before the rest of the country... the coastal eastern most part of the state.....and Western Maine... West of Sebago Lake that goes to the NH border... The true Mainers know there are hybrids of areas... like Greenville, home of Moosehead Lake, that is to many part of Northern Maine and to those in Northern Maine is considered west... so it gets complicated.. but... when it comes to basketball I am going to concentrate on Northern Maine and southern Maine.... the separation I am defining as Augusta... (though I know that Augusta to Bangor is more central Maine.. but...humor me.)

One of the differences I noticed between Southern Maine, where I live now, and Northern Maine, where I grew up... was basketball.  As a kid, though my sister and I were still in elementary school and junior high, we attended high school basketball games with our parents.  Coming from a small town you may be surprised at the size of our gymnasium... surely the untrained guest would think it was too large... but when there was a home game, especially on a Friday night, the place was packed.  Packed.  The hometown pride was evident. The parking lot was full... and when it was time for the tournaments, you wanted to be part of the action so badly.  If your team was not lucky enough to get to the playoffs you would cheer for the kids on the team from the town closest to you.  But if you  make it to the tourney... it was so exciting.  Palpable. In Northern Maine all of the tournaments were played at The Bangor Auditorium... (which sadly is being torn down after yesterday's final state game....)  When teams from my hometown made it to Bangor everyone from town would go.  The cars were decorated with the name of our team mascot and windows often painted with jersey numbers showing support for their favorite member of the team.  Inside the cars were posters hand-painted, mostly by kids, who could not wait to get there and hold their signs up with the hope that perhaps they camera from the local public television network might take a shot of them... Once in the Bangor Auditorium it was pretty obvious which side belonged to which team... the school colors were apparent throughout the crowded stands... and in Northern Maine most schools brought with them, their band.  (In those schools the band was one, pep, concert, jazz, marching, all rolled into the same kids)  The band brings a whole other level to things... The excitement, the rivalry, the mutual respect was evident...  Down here... in Southern Maine... it's different... the towns support the teams, don't get me wrong... but the kids down here have so many choices of things in which they can participate that the parents of the kids are going in a lot of different directions... and when it comes tournament time the stands are full-ish, but not crowded...

So why am I telling you all of this? Well This weekend I went to a tournament game and it was a lot of fun.  It was a 'northern' team vs. a 'southern team',my school,  it was the first time in decades the southern Maine team had made it to the show... and the kids from our school, the fans, entered the arena, and when the band from the other team arrived, were immediately surprised that a band would be at the game... where as in my mind.. I have been surprised that our band does not attend basketball games... our band... has seasons... in a way... and their focus is marching band in the fall and jazz in the winter... no time for a pep band to play at the home bball games... (sense sarcasm?)  Anyway... the energy at the game last night was one I recognized... it took me back to when I played in the tournament... the energy and excitement... and ironically two of my former coaches were at the game last night... and the stands on our side, the southern side, were about 3/4 full... and the northern team was full.. packed.. the place was  LOUD... the refs couldn't make a good call because the fans on the opposing team took offense... I watched the kids on my team work through their nerves... eventually catch up to the team picked to win... and man oh man did we give them a run for their money... the final score left our team a few points short of the victory... they left their hearts on that court... and I am proud of them.  They conducted themselves well... our student fans conducted themselves well....

Following the game, it was announced, each team would be holding a gathering at the teams' respective gymnasiums to honor the team... I was the first person to arrive back at our gym... and wasn't sure what the plan would be... The athletic director and I were the only administrators there... the principal decided not to go and the other asst. principal didn't make an appearance at the game... it is possible that he was there... Anyway...  I figured the athletic director and boosters had something planned for the teams return... but they didn't... the roads were bad last night and the team arrived before the fan bus and many of the parents, but their entry into the gym was a bit anti-climatic.  In northern Maine... when a team makes it to the state game, win or lose, there is a plan in place, a reception for the team when they return to town.  The plan includes police and firefighter escorts for the bus as they depart from the highway and make it all the way to the high school.  The bus, if need be, is delayed, to ensure that all the fans get to the school before the team.  When the team enters the gym the fans, friends, and families are screaming, cheering for 'their' team... the pride is unmeasured...

Today... I attended the end of the season awards banquet for the team.  I ha been invited and it was nice to attend.  And today, I found the pride I felt was missing last night at the teams reception in the gym... the pride of the parents, of the coaches, and even though they are recovering from the loss, pride in the players... it was nice.

I sat there for a while today... not thinking about the many problems 'my' kids face... being able to be with some of the students and not being in crisis with them... it was nice... but... in looking at those kids, know that some of them are experiencing some difficult times.... I just hope that they can use this experience, as a way to help them find balance... to see areas of success despite coming away from last nights game perceiving themselves as losers... that one day they will instead see them as the second place team in the state.

So... maybe what I need to do... for the girls mentioned in the beginning of this blog... instead of worrying about the high stakes of the game... need to find ways to help them find their pride, find their tournament... and cheer them on...

This week is going to be a long week... many after school meetings...