April & May

During the course of a day I see many kids about their attendance.. and when they are in my office I talk with them about grades and how they are doing... Today a girl that I have only seen a few times came in.. and after talking about attendance we talked about grades and she broke down... a kid in all advanced classes, failing three of them... and she just fell apart in my office... her mom died... two years ago.... well it will be two years in may... and her mom's birthday was in April.  She lives with her step-dad but has no other family... and she is struggling... My heart just broke for her... as she told me about losing her mom to cancer... and it hit close to home... in April it will be four years since losing mom and in May I will have another birthday without her.  The student talked about how there are moments where she just loses focus and works so hard to just contain her emotions to not fall apart that focusing on school is hard... I am worried about this kid... I told her about Mom... not a lot, but enough to let her know I get it... more than some may... but my heart broke... I was 33 when Mom died... and am still not over it.. not even close... she is a kid, 15... in high school with so many things happening... and she is alone in many ways... she has her step dad, but she shared that they coexist... I know how hard it has been losing mom... I cannot imagine what it would have been like if it had happened when I was in high school.

I have had a lot in my head lately... cleaned some of it out in a long email to a friend last night... but it's still there... and Mom is part of it... it's March... which will be followed by April 18 and May 8.... the day Mom died and our birthday...and I can feel it coming... missing her more, thinking about things, reliving things...  and  in addition to those dates, things at work are hectic... the principal leaving has added another layer of things... and as someone told me... Mom in many ways kept me grounded, always provided that positive spin on things, assurance in ways... and as much as I love my job, it has been a lot on my plate, lots of new things, constantly experiencing new things, constantly strategizing how to best help kids while navigating adults... and I miss her... the comfort she provided... not that other people in my life don't provide that, but... it's different...

I hated not being able to tell this student today that it will get easier, that things would get better... but I know that she needs to go through the process... and I hope I can offer some support... I asked her who at school she feels close to and she shrugged, not being able to identify one adult... so... I will work to become that person... she is on my list now, to see weekly... especially in April and May... but I must remember to be cautious...make it about her and not me...