Christmas at the Lake

I left home on Thursday headed north... heading Home for the holidays, if you will... The last time I was at the lake for Christmas was two years ago... 2011... which was the third Christmas since Mom had died... and I had not really figured out how to 'do' Christmas without her... Not that I have it down to an exact science at this point either... It was also the first Christmas that Dad was living with Betty... and it was hard... not because Betty and Jacey were not gracious... but it was hard... not having Mom AND not having anything that felt familiar... didn't inspire me to feel filled with holiday cheer.  I remember at times feeling like I was lost, not in the right place... and had NO idea where I was supposed to be... but it just didn't feel right... so... last year... my goal was to avoid it... and do something else... so I headed to NY to be with Sis and the boys... which was a lot of fun... As this year's Christmas was approaching I was uncertain how things would unfold... Sis and the boys were going to be coming to the lake... a few days after Christmas... which meant it made sense for me to go to the lake for Christmas and stay through Sis's visit... the idea of being at the lake for almost a week caused a variety of feelings... I love my family and time with them... but I also am a person who NEEDS time alone.  And... I really want time at my own place.. I have some projects I want to do and am not going to get to them... I was stressed about sleeping... though Dad bought a mattress, a real mattress, so my air mattress days are in the past. (YAHOO!)  

As it has worked out... it has been a very nice visit.  Sis and the boys will arrive tomorrow and that will be good.  I look forward to the time we can all be together.  

Mother nature did not get in the way of my plans to come north... though had I decided to come earlier she would have been a force to be reckoned with.  The northeast was hit with an ice storm over the weekend and it caused many people (including my aunts) to be without power for far too long.  Despite the damage she did, Mother Nature left a beautiful landscape in her wake.  The trees were encased in glass... I had a hard time driving because I wanted so badly to stop on the highway to take pictures... but I drove safely and decided to see if there were photo opps at a couple of pit stops.  The first stop was at a pharmacy to get some hair gel I had forgotten... and I was happy to find some things that caught my eye.  

The ice was so beautiful... The sky wanted to clear, but the gray clouds were stubborn... but this led to a variety of backdrops for my pictures...

I am not sure what kind of tree this is, but it was covered, berries and all, with ice... quite a thick layer... 

I later stopped at a rest area and just had to keep my camera going... 

The sun was fighting so hard to come through...

So many trees were bent... many into the roadway, from the weight of the ice.  

Each pine needle was in a diamond cocoon. 

The last leg of the trip was the only part on which the roads were bad... the highway was very clear.  The back roads, which I take to get to the lake, were not well groomed.  The road is narrow and it seemed there was a clear path down the center... which was fine, until I met another vehicle.  That made me nervous.  I was relieved to get to the lake... I was solo when I first arrived... and decided to walk outside a bit and take some pictures.  

This is looking across the lake, at the trees... it was amazing to see each tree, each branch articulated by the ice and sun...

Every twig, needle, and branch was frozen...

The gray sky contrasted by the sun shining so brightly on the iced branches... was beautiful... just beautiful... 

I couldn't stop looking up... into the branches...

I love the contrast between the blue sky and the white birch and the ice... I think these are pictures I will need to enlarge and frame for my winter decor!  

 Dad and Betty have a lot of birds and squirrels around the house... the squirrels have tunneled through the snow and ice... this guy paused long enough for a few pics...

I found myself continually stepping outside to take pictures because the light kept changing...

This was Christmas morning ... this picture does not do the scene justice... it was Unbelievable...the ice on the trees and the sunlight... GORGEOUS. 

Christmas Day was nice.  We (Dad, Betty, Jacey, and I) got up and lazed around a bit... then Jacey's grandmother and uncle on her dad's side came over to open a few presents... it was a nice visit... Jacey's grandmother was one of my teachers in high school... It is nice to see her in this capacity.  Then we headed to Betty's parents' house... We took a few vehicles... I wanted my truck so I could leave if I started to feel like I needed air... Jacey took her car so she could make another stop on her way home... and Dad and Betty took Dad's truck... The gathering at Betty's parents' was nice... better than I expected... and I stayed longer than I anticipated.  Then I got to come back to the lake and relax a bit... and this year, unlike 2011, I didn't sit and cry... Not too long after, Dad and Betty came back, then Jacey came home... and that's when we did our gift exchanges... I really liked doing it that way... in the evening.  It was nice.  On the 26th we woke up to snow... pretty snow... and Dad and I went for a walk... he needed to cut back some of the branches on the trees that were hanging into the road, low enough to hit passing cars... Dad helps keep the road plowed and maintained in the winter... I didn't want him to go solo, afraid he would fall... so I went along.  It was nice to get some Dad time.  We cut down some branches... mostly dad... I helped a little... but let's just say I will not be changing my career path to one of a lumberjill! Dad was nice to not mock my lack of ability to saw a branch using a pole with a saw blade attached... I tried... but had to have him finish it... I was able to clip some branches and did haul some of the bigger branches off the road... 

Today Jacey and I decided to have a day away from the lake... and I had been contemplating buying a fake tree... I feel my stomach turn each time I say that... but I dislike the mess from a real tree and this year, I was gone for a few days at a conference and had to worry about it getting watered... so... I decided to give a fake tree a try... Today I found one... normally priced at $267... that I got for $100... I wanted to spend around 70... but... this one... I think.. is worth it... we shall see next year.  After the tree finding we planned to go have lunch somewhere... and as we tried to leave the parking lot... my truck was... stuck... yup... stuck..  

I had parked in an area that was not well plowed... my truck does not have 4 wheel drive... and I managed to drive the front right tire over an icebank... not a snowbank..an icebank... I tried pushing... I bought cat litter and put it under the tires... I pushed again, pulled... (Now my body is hurting from that!)  and eventually we called AAA...and got a bit of a tug... We then went to lunch and returned to the lake... 

So far... soooo good...

I have any more pictures to post... been taking lots and lots... but wanted to share a bit of my adventure thus far...

This Christmas vacation has been very nice so far... I feel much more relaxed than anticipated...

Hope you enjoy the pictures...

My day... and a project

Today was a pretty good day... I had a meeting at the career technology high school where some of my kids attend... the meeting was a way for me to advocate for a kid to stay in the school, he has not been attending consistently due to multiple suspensions and they wanted to kick him out... They agreed to one more chance... Fingers crossed... 

While I was there I was asked to talk about another student... my 'camper' kid... he had been struggling with another kid and had exchanged some unpleasant comments... he came into the meeting room and was surprised to see me.  He owned his behavior and we made some comparison's for him to help him understand... one of the other adults said something about how if he heard someone say something mean about me he should keep it to himself and not tell me because it may hurt my feelings.  (Trying to get him to understand that his real Friends will not tell him information just to get him riled up, a real Friend is going to try to help keep him calm...)  His response was cute.. he said, Nah... I wouldn't tell you what they said but I would take matters into my own hands... I smiled and thanked him for wanting to protect me, but explained I would not want him to do that.  I told him that he could offer a word on my behalf and that would be fine.  The other adult said, yeah you could just say to that person, she's a good lady.  The student shook his head and said, "Nah... she isn't a good lady...she's a great lady... she do a lot to help me..."  I was speechless for a minute... so nice to know what I do is for a reason... they do, eventually, get it... get why I do what I do... 

In other news...I have been working on a project for myself...I am not a big wine drinker... well, I like moscato, but most people don't consider that 'real' wine... but I do have a few wine glasses for when friends come over and have some margarita glasses... I have not had a great place to display them... I had bought some racks to hang them under my cupboards, but never got around to it... truth is, it's a boy job, a big one... one that would require saws and lumber... due to the way the cabinets are designed... and it didn't happen... also I have limited counter space and think that having glasses hanging from beneath my cupboards would make me feel like I had less counter space... so I have had my stemware on a hutch that I have.. but don't like that they take up the space they do... As a result I looked online for stemware racks that hang on the wall... and found one I thought would work... with a little paint... This is what they (I bought two) looked like when I got them...

Pretty basic... in order to make them fit in with my decor, I painted them black....and put some gloss on them, hoping they would be easier to dust when needed...

After a few coats of paint and a coat of gloss they dried and were ready to hang up... (I hate this part by the way... measuring, planning, leveling, blah blah boy job... but I did it, and hung them up tonight after I got home....)  

Then I put the glasses on the racks... 

I am very pleased! 

Now... to start getting ready for my holiday gathering this weekend...

On my mind...

Missing Mom like crazy today...

I miss her always... but today even more... maybe its the approaching holiday... or the sentimental movies on tv...

I miss you Mom... always.. &  love you...

Beantown

I can't go to Boston without thinking about my knee surgery... and all that it entailed... as I walked around part of the city this week I was grateful to be able to have the ability to do so... And think Dr. Brick, again, for being my pvns superhero! 

I have been in Boston for a few days... for purposes nothing to do with my knee... but for a conference with other school folks,, some superintendents, principals, assistant principals, curriculum directors, teachers, and others who use educational techniques in their jobs.  I was very excited about the idea of coming and being with other professionals, outside of my normal circle.  I was also very much looking forward to being at a hotel and 'away' from the daily grind in a city I have not had many chances to explore, despite its proximity to Portland.  (The real Portland!) 

I am blogging from the bus on the way home... here I am ...

 

Amazing that we can be on a bus and access the internet and take a picture with the device on which I am typing... we are a technological dependent society!  

Anyway.. as I am finishing my trip... I suppose I will fill you in on my adventures... 

I began my journey to Beantown on the bus... because driving in Boston is unappealing to me and because the cost to park overnight is about $50 per day, no thanks.  I was happy to get to the bus station in Boston and looked forward to checking into my hotel room... I stayed at The Park Plaza Hotel and Towers... and had been told it was an old hotel with lots of charm... and that the rooms may be less modern than other hotels... I had signed up online, when I got my reservation confirmation for the e-upgrade option... (Why are things related to the internet referenced as e-things? Internet is I, but I suppose the iCult has the monopoly on everything i related... e...electronic? oh well.)  The e-upgrade option, if it would have been available upon check in, depending upon guest numbers and room availability, would have included: a queen bed (vs. the queen bed I had already signed up for), a larger room,  free wifi, with a newly renovated marble bathroom with a deep soaking tub... the part that appealed to me, not gonna lie, is the deep tub.  As many are aware I am tall... 6'6"... and the idea of being in a tub that was perhaps a bit longer than standard tubs, was exciting... because in most tubs, I cannot sit with legs straight... So I decided that would be worth the extra $25 dollars per night.. if it was available... When I checked into the hotel I was enamored with the lobby... very ... classic... picture 1920's elegance... it was nice... and I gave them my name at the desk, easy process, and was given my room key... 12th floor... As I was in the elevator and looking at the 12th floor button, noticing there really was not a 13th floor in this hotel... I was hopeful that I would get a room with a view of the city... When I walked into the room I was a little... surprised... there was a bed... looked to me like a double bed... there was a window, but looked at a neighboring building with no real view other than bricks... the phone was not even on the nightstand next to the bed because it was too large to fit on the tiny stand... instead it was in a separate part of the room, where one may expect a desk to be, (there wasn't) with no light source... making it difficult to see which numbers to dial to talk to someone at the front desk, which I needed later...  I rolled my new suitcase into the room and began looking around... and was disappointed... THIS is the room where I am going to spend the next few days/nights? Meh.  Upon closer inspection there was a stain on the carpet next to the bureau, the amount of dust in the heater vents would have sent some people into an asthma attack... there were wires hanging from beneath the heater alongside a dirty cup.  I debated in that moment about returning to the front desk and asking for a new room... but hesitated.. the kid at the desk had said all rooms were booked... so I began unpacking... and then noticed the sheets on the bed... were inside out... and then walked into the bathroom and realized I Was in a handicap accessible room.. which is not necessarily a bad thing... but... the mirrors in those rooms are low and are angled to point downward... so when  Itried to look at myself in the mirror... I saw the lower half of me... and it annoyed me... but I figured I could suck it up... I then tried to connect to the internet and saw that there needed to be a code... I called the front desk, (after fumbling to find the right button to push to call them)  and they told me that I should sign in with my name and room number and that I would be able to agree to the fee of $12.50 per day, for internet... e-What? E-xcuse me? That put me over the edge... I took pictures of all the annoyances and marched myself to the front desk... went to the same kid... showed him the pictures and explained I was willing to put up with a lot, but the internet fee put me over the edge... He shrugged and said there was nothing he could do... I asked about another room... nope... and then I asked for the manager.  The manger was attractive.. 6'4" I would say... The icon of tall, dark, and handsome!  He had been informed of my concerns and apologized for the condition of the room... and said something about housekeeping coming up to take care of things... and I asked if there was more he could do... went through the story above... and said that in some ways I felt discriminated against... that in that room my height was a discriminatory factor.. he didn't like the word disciminate... and then when I said the internet fee was the proverbial straw.. suddenly I was given free wifi, a code to use to access it... without having to pay... (really, hotel? Are you already not charging enough for the rooms that you also  need to charge for wifi?) And after some friendly banter the manager changed my room.. and of course I had to give a dramatic sigh about needing to repack my things and move... he offered concierge service, but no concierge guy is gonna help me pack my underwear and then expect a tip!  So I go, repack, and head down three floors to my new room... It was probably three times larger than my original room... KING size bed... Marble bathroom with.... you guessed it... a deep soaking tub!  The room I had agreed to pay $25 nights extra for with the e-upgrade!  the room had a great view... and the soaking tub, while not much longer than a standard tub... was enjoyable!  By the time I had unpacked, for the second time,  it was approaching 8:30.  I was not really in the mood for going too far to eat... I walked a bit to buy some water and snacks for my room then decided to eat at the hotel bar. 

As I approached the bar, there was one end wide open, nobody sitting there... and at the other end... two men with three barstools between them.  Since I had promised myself I would try to be social on this trip.... and 'look up' more...as a friend has reminded me to do... I sat between the two men... both of whom were on their devices and didn't acknowledge me... is this really where we are in society? So tied to our e-devices that we cannot say hello to each other... I was not deterred... when I got my beverage and squeezed the lime, I apologized to said gentlemen in case my lime had squirted them... One of them responded with, Oh you didn't get me... and back to his smartphone... Hmph... social attempt Number one ... complete bust! 

Thursday I got up, after sleeping in my king bed... and attended the conference... In my head I was going to be surrounded by other school administrators, similar in age, mostly male, some  downright sexy... that was in my head... Reality? I am in the younger age bracket compared to most of the people there.... I think there were more women than men... and the men who were there... most were married... and the one man I saw wthout a gold ring... was falling asleep during the session...
The session was good... about the common Core... and through some collaboration at our table I got to know a couple of the women a bit.... and in one of the exercises we did, requiring us to leave our table group, I met another woman... from Vermont... and we ended up having lunch together.  She seems like a nice woman... working with adult learners and with companies to help them learn about better ways to train their workers... interesting... we returned to the session in the afternoon and it was not as good as the morning had been... but we finished around 3:00, so I had some time to explore... I was happy about this... again, not having spent much time in Boston I am not a confident traveler when I am there... I had my map of course and had studied it prior to leaving the hotel... not wanting to appear as being from away... Bosotn confuses me... the way the streets are... I just don't get it... so I tried to align myself with the map, in my mind, figure out a few major streets... Arlington, Charles, Boyleston... and away I went... just walking.. with no real purpose in mind... though I knew there was a Five Napkin Burger Restaurant not too far away, on Huntington Ave., and had loved the one in NYC... so contemplated visiting it for dinner... I walked through Boston Common... it was pretty, Christmas lights looked nice... and it was fun to be out and about in a large city... though I didn't see as much diversity as I hoped for... one of the things  I love so much about NYC...
I didn't end up going to the burger restaurant, because I decided to try something new... I went to The Cheesecake Factory... I had heard good things about it... and who can go wrong with Cheesecake? I was disappointed... it was... generic... comparable to Applebees or Ruby Tuesdays... the cheesecake was good... but overpriced... and the service wasn't stellar... but while I was there... my waiter's lack of punctuality gave me the opportunity to ponder what the evening would hold... I decided to go see a show... I wish there had been something more 'Broadway-ish' playing, but there were a lot of holiday themed things... and I don't want to pay insane prices for A Christmas Story.. but opted to go see 'Shear Madness'.  Shear Madness is a play, a comedy/murder mystery... which includes some improv and at the end, audience participation.  I enjoyed it.  The audience that night was small, but the actors seemed to give it their all... and at times cracked each other up, causing them to take additional time to regroup and keep the show going.  I laughed a lot... and returned to my hotel...to soak in the tub...  Oh.. before the show I stopped at a bar... because I had time to kill... and found, perhaps, Boston's most generic dive bar... the highlight of that place was that I got carded... which has not happened in a long time. ... a LONG time...
(Getting bus sick... pausing until I get home...)

Friday's keynote was good...and then my first session was... well.. a  bit boring... I did however join a man (married)  sitting at a table alone and it was a nice pairing... we had some good conversation... he was close to my age I would guess...and working on his PhD... I met several people who had recently completed or were working to complete their doctorate programs... and yes.. it does make me contemplate going back, to get mine... At lunch I invited myself to join a group of people enjoying their lunch and enjoyed some conversation... (Proud of myself because I tend to sit at a table and then see if people join me... but decided to throw myself into conversations...)  The afternoon session was good... the presenter packed a lot into a short amount of time... and then there was a reception for the conference attendees... which more people attended than I anticipated... I only went because I had run into a woman with whom I had gone through my masters internship... she used to teach in the same district  in which I had been teaching ... and she too, is now an asst. principal... It was nice to see her and get caught up... then I ran into the Vermont lady and we spent more time talking and comparing notes on the conference... I had worn my boots yesterday, my boots that add a couple inches to my height no less, and while I love wearing those, my feet were tired at the end of that... so I went back to my room and soaked them for a bit... I debated on what I wanted to do ... I was tired and didn't feel like doing a whole lot... decided to take a walk.. not sure where I was going to end up... and just as it began to rain I realized I was close to Five Napkin Burger... and decided to go there for dinner... I sat at the bar and while the food was as good as I remember, the female bartenders failed in comparison to the one in NYC with whom I had great conversation!  On my way back to the hotel, I decided I would stop at a place a couple of people insisted I go while staying at the Park Plaza... a desert place called 'finale'... I stepped out of the rain to get something to go, and as I was perusing the dessert case I hear someone say my name... a woman from the conference I had met briefly... she was there, eating alone, and asked if I wanted to join her... I debated, because in my mind I had decided to go back to my spacious room and have a quiet night... but then I thought about my self talk, before the conference, about trying to be more social... so I accepted her invitation, and we st and talked... of course it was all work stuff at the beginning, but then we talked about life outside of work... She shared that it is hard for her to be social outside of work because she (an elementary principal) is exhausted at the end of her days and she often enjoys solitude on the weekends!  Wow could I relate!  She lives in CT... we have exchanged email addresses and phone numbers and have promised to stay in touch and if I get to NYC again, she would like to join me... as a recent divorcee, she finds it challenging to do things on her own, and despite LOVING the theater like I do... she has not gone by herself... and she gets nervous going to NYC solo... so if I go, I would definitely meet up with her there... also invited her to come to Maine at some point... She is smart, has her PhD, and is a go-getter... It was fun to chat with her and perhaps we will become friends.  She joined me this morning at the keynote speaker and said some very complimentary things... It was nice to meet someone new.  She too was disappointed about the lack of single attractive, late 30s-early 40s, men in attendance at the conference! 
Today's session, after the keynote, was good... very engaging..about media... and our need and responsibility to deconstruct it for our students... I think she is right on!  I will be thinking of ways to get my staff to do that! 
I am now home... sitting on my couch, looking at my Christmas tree and am glad to be home... I enjoy conferences and being away form home, but man is it good to return!  After getting a bit bus sick as I was typing... I put my computer away and just looked around.  There was a woman, older, maybe late 60s... alone on the bus... she had white hair, wavy, that framed her gentle face... every once in a while she would reach into her bag, pull out a journal or notebook, jot something down, grin, and return the book to her bag... It made me smile... maybe she is a writer and is observing other people and recording things/ideas that tickle her funny bone... maybe she was writing a grocery list, recording items as they came to mind... maybe she had been on an adventure and  was writing things down that she wanted to remember to share with others... I watched her and thought about her as a writer... and thought about my conference and its almost constant subtext of technology...and wonder if she is a storyteller.... if she would be a blogger if given the opportunity... and thought about my grandfather... he told wonderful stories and did record some of them using paper and pen... and wonder if he would be a blogger or a tweeter... and think about the gap between his school experience and the experience of the students in my school... and think how the responsibilities have changed so much... for students and for adults...
and I think... about my life... compared to the lives of the women in older generations in my family... specifically my grandmothers... and think about my Boston adventure... would either of my grandmothers taken a bus, solo, to Boston? Would they have been treated differently if they had? And I think how much their generation did for my generation... and I worry that we are losing many of their lessons and skills...
Technology is great... but I think we need to go back a bit... to social responsibility and etiquette... put devices away... look up... SEE the people who are around us... and... ENGAGE.. in conversation...
I am tired from the conference and in many ways want to stay home tonight... but this morning I had the idea of meeting a friend for dinner/drinks... and she excitedly accepted my invitation to do so... I thought about canceling... but... instead, I will put down my device... leave my phone in my pocket... look up...talk.. surely share some laughs... and I am sure it will be a lot of fun...
Thanks Boston... for a good 'getaway'... and to the Boston Park Plaza Hotel... I am glad you were able to get a room that was clean and had a mirror in which I could see my whole self...
Enjoy the weekend! 

Family...

Everyone who knows me knows how much family means to me.  

Today, Thanksgiving, is my favorite holiday... I get to see many family members who I don't often get to see.  I love it.  Today we had 33 people... a good crowd.. mostly my father's siblings and their children and grandchildren... it was great.  

My Dad's sisters have been going through more of the things from my grandmother's house and sent some things home with me and Dad.  Among the treasures were a couple of pictures that I love! 

This is me... with my grandfather, Dad's dad... when I was 7 months old.  Grampie sat in that chair and subsequent chairs in that same location and would tell us stories... we were always so enamored with him.  The bookcase in the back left, is not in my home... and makes this picture even more special to me.  (ALso special because, as a second born child, I have few baby pictures!) 

This picture was also in the package and I love this as well. A picture of me with my sister and Mom.  I showed this to Betty and asked her how old she thought I was in the photo and she said 3.  According to the date on the back of the picture... I was probably 15 months old!  Love this... 

I am grateful for my family... 

Grateful for Betty and Jacey in becoming such an integral part of our family.... 

and... for my Friends... you know who you are... I am grateful for you... and consider you family... 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope...

It's hard to update people on things that happen... because there are so many things... and many of those many things are tricky.. and writing about them has to be done carefully... to not give identifying information... there have been LOTS of kid stuff... lots...  Let's see... There are the kids who hate school... HATE it... and they skip school... come in late daily... and some we lose... I have several kids this year who are somewhere on that spectrum and it is tricky... the school skippers... we do home visits... and try to work with the families to see how we can work to get kids to school... sometimes it works, sometimes not... sometimes consequences on days they do come to school work, but when you think about it making a kid stay longer in a place they hate for not coming... doesn't make a lot of sense... so we get creative.. or we try... kids who are tardy... often times it is more of an issue with the parents than with the kid... kids are often ready to go and parents run late...I have a couple of kids with whom I have daily contact... as I am getting ready in the morning I send a text to one and call another.... I am hoping this is a short term arrangement and hope that they can get into good habits... but the good news, it is helping... one kid who has been chronically tardy... and misses several days... was supposed to stay with me today after school... we had an early release day... kids left around 11 and teachers stayed for parent teacher conferences... some kids got to spend some quality time with me today as they watched their friends leave for the day.  (I told them my reasoning was so that on Thanksgiving they could offer something to be grateful for...an assistant principal who values her time with them!)  I was a little nervous they would "forget" so I reached out to them today.  One, I knew would stay because his guardian would make his life miserable at home if he didn't... he stayed...another kid also didn't have me too worried, his parents stopped in last night at conferences to chat with me and I was assured he would stay... he did... another student said she was terribly sorry, but she couldn't stay because she had an appointment... As we called home to verify she looked a bit nervous... her guardian said she could stay, but needed to leave a little early for her appointment and that she would be happy to make up the time next week... beautiful.  She stayed... though we will need to add quality time together because, as I suspected, she was on twitter while staying and posted a picture of another kid who also stayed... she and I have to spend more time together so she understands how I operate.  Then there was this other kid... I met with him not long before the buses were supposed to depart, taking kids home for the long weekend... he too told me he couldn't make it.  As I dialed his mom's number he looked disappointed... and she said he could stay, absolutely.  Perfect.  Until it wasn't.  About 15 minutes after most of the kids left... he was missing... and I grinned, knowing he had taken the bus home.  I waited a few minutes and called home... and he was there... I asked mom if it would be possible for me to come get him and bring him back to school. She was more than happy with that.  So, along with another staff member, I went to his house and picked him up.  I don't think he wanted to come with me and think he debated about taking off, running away, literally, but he thought better of it and came back to school... I told him and his mom since he had caused me to miss some time at school to come get him, he needed to stay for an extra half hour... she agreed... he... well... didn't grin.  Keeping kids after school for three hours when their friends have left... is tough... and I think it worked... the kid who I brought back to school ended up helping me with some physical tasks... we are in the process of relocating to a different workspace and he packed boxes... and he seemed to enjoy it.  the other Asst. Principal, our secretary and I kept talking to him as he worked, thanking him... and it was interesting to watch him... it was the most confident I have seen him since meeting him this fall.  I am wondering if he felt competent... and in other areas he feels incompetent... As the afternoon passed and other kids left he started talking a bit more.. shared information about his family... and when he and I were chatting he told me that it was not torture to stay after school with me... and I told him that I care about him and his success... that I wouldn't have come to his house to bring him back to school if I didn't care about him... he said he got it... he said he is going to start taking the bus every day because he gets to school earlier... I thanked him for his hard work and he grinned... the first time I have seen that from him... and said he was happy to help.  When I told him he could leave a few minutes early he started to leave and then turned back, paused long enough to catch my eye... and told me to have a great Thanksgiving... that kid is worth saving... I am beginning to categorize some kids as my invisibles ... kids who work hard to not be noticed... hope to fade into the background... in my theory.. because they think that's where they belong... My job.. is to reflect light onto them... to let them have moments where they are recognized... he is one of them... and there is hope...
There is a flip side... without being arrogant I can say that I am good at connecting with kids... and when I cannot connect with kids I can usually think of someone who could... there is a kid now... who I am worried about... for his benefit... and for ours... he is angry... his history justifies his anger... his current situation justifies his anger... but he has no skills to cope with that... and... I have decided he is not a kid I want to handle solo... I have brought our principal in as his primary adult... and feel better about that... thinking a male, for this student, may be better... and also feel that having him directly involved is a smart thing... but it breaks my heart... people wonder why mean adults...angry adults... are the way they are... chances are they have reasons... I won't give up on him.. but I will walk carefully... with eyes wide open...
And in some dark cases there are moments of light... another student... I cannot remember if I wrote about her here... was removed from our school... she had a very hard day and she had come to me and we were having a great conversation... until she spoke with a parent...and then she was pissed... and I was there, so I became her target... threats of hurting me... calling me names... and I knew in that moment what she was doing... she was begging us to take her back to the very restricted environment she was used to.  I have thought of her from time to time... and recently received a letter from her.  I was surprised... and glad... and need to write back to her.  She apologized... I believe it is probably part of her therapy, part of a restorative approach to things... but I believe what she wrote... the details she shared were insightful... and I hope she can change...and I hope her life circumstances can change to support the changes she will hopefully make...
Another kid... one of my favorites... has been battling some demons... the good part.. she went to one of our teachers and told him what she was thinking... and when I was brought in she talked more to us than she did all of last year.. I learned more about her in that two hour conversation than all of last year... she accepted help, accepted that she needed to get help... and right now... is stable... She is another of my invisibles...
As an administrator there are so many decisions that need to be made... and sometimes I am never sure if I make the right one... recently we held a talent showcase... where kids could perform in a fairly informal setting... the kids are told their performances must be school appropriate... this performance attracted a lot of people... a large crowd... I was standing with one of my kids, playing with her child while one of our other students took the stage... hie performance was not school appropriate... as he performed I heard lyrics that were referencing sex, body parts, and he dropped the f bomb... when he did that I felt all eyes in the room turn to me... the student I was closest to told me everyone was looking at me... I said I knew that and that I was not going to react.. yet... One teacher came up and yelled at me," Are you really gonna let that continue?"  My initial thought was.. LET? really... ok lady... YOU go get your administrative certification and see if you can plan for everything and LET things happen... I did not want to jump on the stage and cause a bigger scene... I did not want my BFA recorded with kids phones and posted to social media... at the end of his first song... he was intending to do two.. I stopped him... and while the crowd chanted, let him sing... I denied him... his begging and promise to keep it clean didn't work.. and he left the stage... I let things settle a bit, he walked from the stage high fiving his pals and others in the audience... and as the next act began, I found him in the crowd and told him he needed to quietly without causing a scene, meet me in my office.  We chatted, parents were called... and I warned him that his social media profiles would be monitored as I made my decision about consequences... He seemed to get it... he seemed to understand his mistake... his parents... on the other hand... were concerned because his consequence meant he missed tryouts for a sports team.. Really? Had I done something like that at school... my parents would not have LET me try out ... they would not have LET me out... of the house, for that matter.  When did parents stop wanting to be parents? When did they become afraid of their kids? Fortunately I work with a great team of administrators and we support each other and my decision was upheld.
My camping kid... is doing great... he is such a hoot!  He makes me smile every day.  I picked his mom up last night to bring her to parent teacher conferences (and mentally noted that next year we should provide some school buses to transport parents who don't have cars to get to the conferences.) The conferences went well.. and as I drove her home.. she said how proud of her son she is... I was thrilled... I swear I heard heavenly music... she has, labeled her son as the trouble maker in the family... compares him, often unfairly, to her other kids... but on the drive to her home... she told me all his strengths... he is cleaning her house, the other kids don't... he is coming home early at night, her other kids are not... I asked her if she remembered the conversations we have had with him, in my office, on her sofa.. where she asked him to do those things... she did... and she smiled... I said...I know it seems like he doesn't always listen to you.. but he is listening.. and he is hearing you... sometimes you just need to let him save face... but he gets it... He came in to see me today... I could tell by his grin and his body language he had something positive to share.  I asked him what he wanted to tell me and he screwed up his face and said, he didn't want to tell me nothin'... which meant he wanted me to ask... so I did... "What did your mom tell you about conferences last night?" His response... a grin... and said.. "She said I am doing aw- ight!"  I looked at him, giving him one of my looks and he laughed... and then said. "ok, ok... she said I am doing good.."  I paused.. and said... "AND?"... he looked away.. and said quietly... "She tell me she proud uh me..."  BINGO!  I was so happy to see this from him... He has been wanting so badly for her to see him as a good kid... and I think he is proud of himself!  I shared with him that she told me about his cleaning and he was surprised she knew it was him... I loved that... When he graduates... man oh man... I will be so happy.. so proud... and will probably cry! 
Social media.... Twitter is my nemesis... truly.  I hate it.  Kids get on their devices and think they can say ANYTHING... and it gets heated... and kids get scared... the way the law is written... school CAN get involved with cyberbullying when a student feels unsafe coming to or being at school due to cyber activities... even if the communication happened off school grounds, on a device purchased by parents, and during non school hours... The last couple of weeks have involved hours of twitter research... what did I find as I was searching for specific information about a bullying incident? A picture of a student holding a gun... pictures of kids smoking marijuana, kids drinking alcohol... racial slurs... homophobic speech... and what kids don't get is once I have seen those things, I cannot unsee them... Some I have to report... to the police officer in our building and/pr to parents... the kids hate me for that... and I am okay with it.  Parents are so unfamiliar with twitter... they are mortified when they see their child's twitter pages... so here's a situation... a kid comes to me... scared shitless... afraid he is going to get beaten up... and shows me some screenshots (pictures of what was on his ipad screen) of the conversation between him and another kid.  It got heated...name calling... and lewd language... things I can quote because they are public twitter accounts, but I do not want to repeat them... other kids chimed in... and it grew.... until a final threat... to meet and fight... so... I get screenshots of this entire conversation... and call the parents of the student who was making the threats... they arrive.  I show them the tweets... and they are angry... disappointed.. mortified... and after I talk with them and agree on the consequences... I call the student down... he quickly becomes agitated seeing his parents and asked why they were there... I told him because of twitter.  He looked and asked me if it was about some supposed fight that was going to happen.  I said yes.  He said he had heard about it.  Heard about it? he said that someone had told him about it... heard about it? You are a part of it.  He then proceeds... with his parents and our school police officer in the room... to tell us that he did not have a twitter account.  That someone had created an account using his name... It felt wrong to me... and I asked who he thought would do that and why... he said he didn't know, but that there were kids who are jealous of him and want to see him in trouble... His parents are looking at me... wondering what is happening... I began wondering too... but had a feeling it was him... I asked to see his ipad... he handed it to me... it was not the school issues device... it was his personal ipad... I had him enter the passcode and searched the history... and didn't find any twitter on his history.. but knowing I am not a guru with technology I called our guru and she came down and she too found no history.  Hmmm...
Do you have another device? A phone?
No.
An ipod?
Yes.
Let me see it.
Again, nothing on the ipod to indicate twitter activity... at this point the school police officer leaves to go question a couple of the other kids who had chimed in on this event and who are also friends with this kid... and I am left with the parents, the kid, and the tech guru. I excuse the tech guru and say to the kid... if I am wrong I owe you a huge apology.... I am not saying I am wrong.. yet... because I feel that you are capable of this.  He kept eye contact the entire time he was telling me again that he did not have twitter... I told him and his parents that it scared me that I would so quickly believe he had done this... and that I was sorry for causing alarm... and I waited... something in my gut... I was about to have them leave and the SRO (School resource officer) returned and said one of this kids friends had seen him on twitter... saw him posting... the kid said the other kid was not telling the truth... he said, you searched my devices... you know I haven't been on twitter... the SRO and I made eye contact and knew we had nothing... so I told him and his parents he could return to class, apologized for having them come in... and they stood to leave... and then I asked them to wait... I said that I needed to search his bag because I felt like he had another ipad or something... he handed me his bag... and I looked through it.. between books and binders... nothing... looked in pockets.. nothing... but kept feeling around... and felt it... but couldn't find out how to get to it... there was a secret pocket... and inside... another ipad... as soon as I pulled it out (Not his by the way... his father's... from who he had taken it without permission) this kid's face dropped... and he said, angrily, "Fine... you wanna know the truth?"  and proceeded to tell on himself... needless to say the consequences were implemented... AND I made it clear to him that I will not trust him... not for a VERY long time.. if ever... I was pissed that he lied... so straight faced about it...
I did also attend visiting hours for the mother of two of my boys... don't want to share more about that now, but... was very glad I went... 
Oh... my after school program was recently recognized at the school board meeting.  I got to speak about it, its impact, and brag about some of the kids' success... and one of the kids came to speak... it was great! 

So... this is a bit of what I do... some snapshots... and it is consuming... I have needed to unplug at night... and read... in order to sleep...  other wise I think about these kids, and others... what more I can do... where I need to do more outreach... to somehow get to the bigger community to help more... I worry about kids going to bed hungry... but I also take pride in what I do... of the difference I hope I am making... the relationships I build with kids... it is worth it... I think often about something and maybe I have shared it before... many people say 'they say it takes ten positive things to offset one negative thing...'  when they talk about kids self esteem... I believe that is probably true... but I think in education we do the opposite... we work hard... muddle through the sad stories, the heartbreaking circumstances... get sad...worry... and when we have one moment... maybe a small moment, but a powerfully positive moment... we delete the bad things... and in that moment... KNOW what we do makes a difference... and gain motivation to keep going... to do more... Despite its challenges... MANY Challenges... I love my job... love the kids... and hope... hope I make a difference...

It was a hard day.

My job is intense... and some days... hard... very hard...  like today. 

There are families whose dynamics are very complicated... one of the first students I met at this job was a kid who would be stereotyped as a skater with a huge attitude and wasn't going anywhere in life... I spent a lot of time with him and learned a lot about his history.  It wasn't pleasant.  The physical abuse he endured as a child has left physical and emotional scars... and somehow he ended up in the custody of his abuser.  I worked with him and his parent on many issues and learned how dysfunctional their relationship was... with him, the parent had little patience and control.  There was, in this parent's mind, no room for mistakes... and this child, his child, had no potential... he viewed his son as uncaring ... yet... on Friday nights, under the lights, he would show up at the varsity football game to support his step brother... he would stand in the shadows, not with his father, and would leave before the end of the last quarter to avoid seeing his family.  But... he was there.  He has a tough exterior... many people were afraid of him...very few friends... when I had to call home I spoke to the step mother... who often felt in the middle between her husband and her step son...

This year he made the choice to no longer attend school... dropped out.  I was sad, but also understood.  He is not doing great, but he is making a go of it... he has two jobs and is renting an apartment... and he is happier... hard to believe that not yet being an adult yet having adult worries is better than living at home... with a parent.  He has had little to no contact with his father and step mom since moving out... he has had some contact with his step brother...

The step brother.  Stereotyped as a jock... has many friends...popular.. charismatic... supported so differently by his stepfather... the same person, the same father described above... he attends all games... sends emails to administrators about the need to increase his playing time... he describes his stepson as a great kid, a hard worker, as 'going somewhere'...his mom and step dad are seen as supportive parents, as there for their son.... he's a good kid.  heart of gold... wears his heart on his sleeve... wants a relationship with his step brother, but bobs and weaves through the dysfunction to try to maintain it. 

Tragedy.  Aneurysm.  Stepmom/Mom was rushed to the hospital and they immediately did surgery.  Things have been up in the air... The step brother has been at school... trying to distract himself... has spent much of his time in my office or in with his guidance counselor... where he feels the most comfortable... He has talked to us both about his feelings and fears... and has asked us for hugs... needing support....

Today... Dad/stepdad came to my office.  He cried in my office... for an hour... as he told me that his wife is not getting better.  Things are worse.  Since being hospitalized she has suffered several strokes... doctors cannot explain why she is not responding to medications designed to prevent strokes... ultimately the decision to terminate life support will be made this weekend... and he is lost... he talked a lot about his feelings... his concerns for his stepson... for his wife's best friend... for his best friend who is worried sick about him... about his god children... and returned to talking about his stepson... and about him... I listened... and then I asked him about his son... he said he has not had much contact with him.  He said his son knew that his stepmom had been taken to the hospital but hadn't tried to visit and hadn't called..that his stepson was irate about his son's lack of communication about it.... I know his son has tried to go to the hospital... and wasn't on the list to see her... I know there is anger from the stepson to the son because he believes he has not tried to make contact...

I asked him if he was going to get in touch with his son to tell him... and he said he didn't know how... His son has no cell phone, no way to have direct contact without face to face contact...... that they have not been in touch... that if his son cared he could look at his stepmother's facebook page for updates... and he fears his son arriving for Thanksgiving dinner asking where his stepmother is...not knowing she has died... he didn't feel he needed to reach out to his son.. he felt his son needed to reach out to him... and that was that... I asked him if he wanted help in relaying information to his son, even if it meant having the police try to find him... he said yes... though I knew I would not need the police... I know where he is working... as does his father... but won't take the step of reaching out to him there...

My heart breaks for these kids... the kid who is still attending my school is going to fall... fall hard... and he will have people rally around him...embrace him... and even with that support he will be in such pain... the other kid... will also be in pain... and who will he go to?

I knew... in my soul... that the kid I worked with last year... would never ever forgive himself if he didn't get the chance to say good bye to his stepmother... and I feared that it would be ammunition that would be used against him for the rest of his father's life... technically he is no longer a student.. no longer one of my kids... but... I care for this kid... and he is about to lose his step mother... who has been more of a mother to him than his mother... and I grabbed my coat and headed for my truck...

I got to his job site... a fast food establishment... I asked to see him... when he saw me.. his face had a look of confusion...we found a semi private area to talk... I apologized for going to his job... but told him it was really important that I see him.  I told him he needed to contact his father.  He said he knew about his step mom, that she was in the hospital and shared the story about trying to go see her (Which I had heard form his girlfriend) that he hasn't been able to take time off work because he needed to make rent... ... I told him there was new information...that he needed to take time off... and he looked confused.. this tough kid, a kid... wearing his uniform... with his big gauged earrings ... working so hard to be a man... he looked into my eyes... all i saw was a little boy...  I told him that I needed to tell him that things are not good.  I told him I had spent an hour with his father and that I wanted to talk to him.. not because I cared, in that moment, about his father or stepbrother, that I was there to talk to him... I said... I hate to have to tell you this... but it's bad... things with your step mom... he asked how bad... I said she had suffered several strokes since being in the hospital and the doctors are not finding ways to help.   I told him that given what I know about him he needed to find time to go see her... to say good bye... because I know that he will hate himself forever if she dies before he does so... his eyes filled with tears... and I asked him in that moment if he wanted a hug.. and he looked up at me... and just collapsed into my arms... this tough, bad ass kid... and I cried with him... he quickly tried to recover... saying he had to get back to work... I told him I would speak to his boss if he needed someone to verify his need for some time off... he said he didn't need that now... I told him to come to me... when he needs it... he thanked me for coming and talking to him... which... was pretty mature... demonstrating how different he is from the picture his father paints...

I believe he will show up in my office... and I believe he will punch a hole in my wall because he won't know what else to do with his anger and grief... I don't know when.. but I believe he will... I reached out to two of the adults in our building who know him well... in anticipation that he will at some point need them...

That was so hard... to tell a kid that his step mom isn't going to make it... to go and say good bye to her... I am sure some people would think that it isn't my job to do that... but ... I couldn't not tell him... the idea of him now knowing.. not having the chance to say good bye... knowing how much harder it would be on him when she dies if he doesn't have that chance... I had to... and... it sucked.  As someone who is not a parent... I didn't anticipate I would need to be the person to deliver that news to a kid.... and yet... I had to...

This will be a funeral I will attend... for both boys... for different reasons...

Of course this triggers a lot... and when I returned to school ... my secretary asked where I had gone... I told her... and teared up a bit... tried hard not to... and she gave me a look filled with such compassion... and said she was sure it also triggered a lot for me... she doesn't know details about Mom.. but she knows Mom died of cancer... and she gets it...

It was a hard day. 

Check Engine light, Shenanigans...and a suitcase...

It's been an interesting weekend... I hoped to kayak this weekend, but did not make it out on the water... Friday I was on a mission to find out why the check engine light is on in my truck.  It came on over a week ago and I called onstar to see if they could diagnose the problem.  They told me it was something with emissions, to tighten my gas cap and run it for about a week and the light may go out... but if it didn't I would need to get it checked... well it remained lit... my secretary's boyfriend is a mechanic and offered to put his diagnostic machine on it to see what is wrong... it is something with emissions... and the guy running the codes told me it will probably be covered under the waranty... I told dad about it today and he thinks it will also be covered ... I sure hope so... when I had called the garage to make the appointment to get it fixed, he said it could be up to $400... I will take the owners manual... just in case... After that I headed to visit Sara and Maria.  It was a nice visit.  Maria is so smart.  She really is... it was great to see them.  Part way home, I got a headache.. I haven't had a headache in a while... but it was a doozy... and it lasted through the night... I woke up at 3 a.m. and took some advil... and when I woke up in the morning it was still pretty brutal... so I laid low.  I watched some tv and rested...by mid afternoon I was feeling better... and then went to school to support our soccer team.  Last night I slept well, but think that standing around at the game for so long bothered my back...(I forgot to wear sneakers!)  Then today... was spent getting ready for next weekend... when my family will be here to celebrate Thanksgiving... a but early... Since Sis cannot make it up for the real Thanksgiving we are getting together this weekend... we did this last year too and it was a lot of fun.  So today I ran errands... going to Sam's club to get some of the bigger things... then to Walmart for the things I couldn't find at Sam's or didn't need to buy in bulk... and finally Hannaford's for the items I refuse to buy at Walmart... After putting everything away... I began baking... made 5 pumpkin rolls... tried to make 6, but the last one wasn't fully cooked and I didn't realize it until I was trying to tip it out of the pan... but 5 is a great start... We will use one this weekend... I will send 1 home with Dad and Betty... will take one to work, and will keep the other two in the freezer to take to upcoming parties... The other thing I worked on today was the turkey... none of us really eat the dark meat so we have taken to buying the breasts... two would be enough for this weekend's gathering, but I want some leftovers, so I bought three... today I cooked one in the crockpot and have a second cooking now... my plan is to cook and slice them... then freeze the meat until Friday... and then it will be ready to put in the oven Saturday morning... I also wanted to get the onion dip I want to make made, but by the time I was done with everything my back was killing me.  Mixing things can be hard on my back because of the low counters... So instead of making the dip, I relaxed...
It will be fun to have the family here... hoping that I will get a chance to clean a bit more before they get here... which reminds me.. I am thinking about a housekeeper...
I hate that much of my free time is spent cleaning... and feel that I do everything myself... and I want some help... I recently downgraded my cable package... saving $80 per month... which may cover the cost of a housekeeper... I need to call and find out about rates... but I already know a woman who does it, so that should be a step in the right direction.. I also asked a couple of the other female administrators with whom I work about housekeepers... they smiled and said they of course have someone come in to clean... that they can't imagine not having someone... I feel a little guilty... because I feel like I can do it... but... I would rather spend my time doing other things... and I deserve to do something to make my life easier...
Another step to making life easier is... I get a key tomorrow to the exercise room at my school.  I am going to be able to use it to work out!  Sweet!
I am ready to get in shape, to take time each day to do something for myself... and if I have a housekeeper... I can spend more time doing those kinds of things!
Another thing that happened this weekend was I said See ya Later Alligator to a man I had been seeing for a couple of months.  He is a nice person... but clearly not ready for a relationship that involves open communication.  He has a lot on his plate and while I am happy to help and support people as they deal with some things.. I need someone who knows where he is, what he wants, and isn't 'stuck' when it comes to his past.  It was nice having someone to spend time with, a good reminder of the need to put myself out there to meet new people... and also a good reminder that if I choose to not be alone I can find someone to be with... and... sometimes, it is better to be alone!   Then, as it works out... today, as I was running errands, ran into a guy I used to know... we had gone out a couple of times... until I learned that he was married... (he had led me to believe he was not married...)  Once I learned of his marriage we stopped seeing each other... so today he sees me... and asks how I have been...tells me how good it was to see me.. .and as I was getting ready to leave (in my truck) he asks if he still has my number.  I told him I didn't know if he did... and he asked if I had his... I said no... he asked if we could exchange numbers again and I asked if he was married... he hesitated... and I said I knew that meant yes (Of course, knowing he was dishonest before I would not have gone out with him again.) He asked if we were enemies and I said no.  He then said if we were not enemies we were friends... I told him that wasn't true either... that I am not friends with a man who wants to date other women when he has a wife... he again asked about my number and I told him if it would make him feel better to give me his number, he could, but that I wouldn't use it... ever.  He accepted that and finally walked away.  Really?  Then there is a man I went out on one date with this summer... when I abruptly ended that date because I didn't like the way it was going... he kept calling me... and I told him not to... he finally gave up, until last week... and he has called a few times... asking for another chance... It is nice, to know I have choices... and empowering, I suppose, to know I am choosing to be single vs. putting up with such shenanigans!
Total random transition into the holiday season... I need to start shopping  for people... I don't know what to get for people... but for the first year in many I have some things I want ... a great set of sheets... I am done with sheets from Target... or Walmart... I want quality sheets... I am going to save up to buy myself an air conditioner... just for my bedroom... this summer it was HOT and HUMID and my room gets the sun... a suitcase... I also have decided I want to travel more... and the duffle bag is not cutting it... I also, since cutting way back on my cable... would like to get netflix or something comparable like amazon's membership where you can watch tv shows and movies... and eventually I want a smart tv... so I can watch the interned on my television...
I guess that's all for now... hadn't written in a while... there are many kid stories, but feel like I need to keep them to myself for now... I really should write them down somewhere and write a book at some point... in my free time!

Another day on the water! Lucky!

I got another day in my kayak!!!  Today I was joined by Jacey and by a friend, Tracey.  It was quite windy, so we found a place that was a bit protected... it was a great choice.  We stopped and had a snack at a small picnic area and then paddled back.  I think I am going to sleep well tonight!