It was a hard day.

My job is intense... and some days... hard... very hard...  like today. 

There are families whose dynamics are very complicated... one of the first students I met at this job was a kid who would be stereotyped as a skater with a huge attitude and wasn't going anywhere in life... I spent a lot of time with him and learned a lot about his history.  It wasn't pleasant.  The physical abuse he endured as a child has left physical and emotional scars... and somehow he ended up in the custody of his abuser.  I worked with him and his parent on many issues and learned how dysfunctional their relationship was... with him, the parent had little patience and control.  There was, in this parent's mind, no room for mistakes... and this child, his child, had no potential... he viewed his son as uncaring ... yet... on Friday nights, under the lights, he would show up at the varsity football game to support his step brother... he would stand in the shadows, not with his father, and would leave before the end of the last quarter to avoid seeing his family.  But... he was there.  He has a tough exterior... many people were afraid of him...very few friends... when I had to call home I spoke to the step mother... who often felt in the middle between her husband and her step son...

This year he made the choice to no longer attend school... dropped out.  I was sad, but also understood.  He is not doing great, but he is making a go of it... he has two jobs and is renting an apartment... and he is happier... hard to believe that not yet being an adult yet having adult worries is better than living at home... with a parent.  He has had little to no contact with his father and step mom since moving out... he has had some contact with his step brother...

The step brother.  Stereotyped as a jock... has many friends...popular.. charismatic... supported so differently by his stepfather... the same person, the same father described above... he attends all games... sends emails to administrators about the need to increase his playing time... he describes his stepson as a great kid, a hard worker, as 'going somewhere'...his mom and step dad are seen as supportive parents, as there for their son.... he's a good kid.  heart of gold... wears his heart on his sleeve... wants a relationship with his step brother, but bobs and weaves through the dysfunction to try to maintain it. 

Tragedy.  Aneurysm.  Stepmom/Mom was rushed to the hospital and they immediately did surgery.  Things have been up in the air... The step brother has been at school... trying to distract himself... has spent much of his time in my office or in with his guidance counselor... where he feels the most comfortable... He has talked to us both about his feelings and fears... and has asked us for hugs... needing support....

Today... Dad/stepdad came to my office.  He cried in my office... for an hour... as he told me that his wife is not getting better.  Things are worse.  Since being hospitalized she has suffered several strokes... doctors cannot explain why she is not responding to medications designed to prevent strokes... ultimately the decision to terminate life support will be made this weekend... and he is lost... he talked a lot about his feelings... his concerns for his stepson... for his wife's best friend... for his best friend who is worried sick about him... about his god children... and returned to talking about his stepson... and about him... I listened... and then I asked him about his son... he said he has not had much contact with him.  He said his son knew that his stepmom had been taken to the hospital but hadn't tried to visit and hadn't called..that his stepson was irate about his son's lack of communication about it.... I know his son has tried to go to the hospital... and wasn't on the list to see her... I know there is anger from the stepson to the son because he believes he has not tried to make contact...

I asked him if he was going to get in touch with his son to tell him... and he said he didn't know how... His son has no cell phone, no way to have direct contact without face to face contact...... that they have not been in touch... that if his son cared he could look at his stepmother's facebook page for updates... and he fears his son arriving for Thanksgiving dinner asking where his stepmother is...not knowing she has died... he didn't feel he needed to reach out to his son.. he felt his son needed to reach out to him... and that was that... I asked him if he wanted help in relaying information to his son, even if it meant having the police try to find him... he said yes... though I knew I would not need the police... I know where he is working... as does his father... but won't take the step of reaching out to him there...

My heart breaks for these kids... the kid who is still attending my school is going to fall... fall hard... and he will have people rally around him...embrace him... and even with that support he will be in such pain... the other kid... will also be in pain... and who will he go to?

I knew... in my soul... that the kid I worked with last year... would never ever forgive himself if he didn't get the chance to say good bye to his stepmother... and I feared that it would be ammunition that would be used against him for the rest of his father's life... technically he is no longer a student.. no longer one of my kids... but... I care for this kid... and he is about to lose his step mother... who has been more of a mother to him than his mother... and I grabbed my coat and headed for my truck...

I got to his job site... a fast food establishment... I asked to see him... when he saw me.. his face had a look of confusion...we found a semi private area to talk... I apologized for going to his job... but told him it was really important that I see him.  I told him he needed to contact his father.  He said he knew about his step mom, that she was in the hospital and shared the story about trying to go see her (Which I had heard form his girlfriend) that he hasn't been able to take time off work because he needed to make rent... ... I told him there was new information...that he needed to take time off... and he looked confused.. this tough kid, a kid... wearing his uniform... with his big gauged earrings ... working so hard to be a man... he looked into my eyes... all i saw was a little boy...  I told him that I needed to tell him that things are not good.  I told him I had spent an hour with his father and that I wanted to talk to him.. not because I cared, in that moment, about his father or stepbrother, that I was there to talk to him... I said... I hate to have to tell you this... but it's bad... things with your step mom... he asked how bad... I said she had suffered several strokes since being in the hospital and the doctors are not finding ways to help.   I told him that given what I know about him he needed to find time to go see her... to say good bye... because I know that he will hate himself forever if she dies before he does so... his eyes filled with tears... and I asked him in that moment if he wanted a hug.. and he looked up at me... and just collapsed into my arms... this tough, bad ass kid... and I cried with him... he quickly tried to recover... saying he had to get back to work... I told him I would speak to his boss if he needed someone to verify his need for some time off... he said he didn't need that now... I told him to come to me... when he needs it... he thanked me for coming and talking to him... which... was pretty mature... demonstrating how different he is from the picture his father paints...

I believe he will show up in my office... and I believe he will punch a hole in my wall because he won't know what else to do with his anger and grief... I don't know when.. but I believe he will... I reached out to two of the adults in our building who know him well... in anticipation that he will at some point need them...

That was so hard... to tell a kid that his step mom isn't going to make it... to go and say good bye to her... I am sure some people would think that it isn't my job to do that... but ... I couldn't not tell him... the idea of him now knowing.. not having the chance to say good bye... knowing how much harder it would be on him when she dies if he doesn't have that chance... I had to... and... it sucked.  As someone who is not a parent... I didn't anticipate I would need to be the person to deliver that news to a kid.... and yet... I had to...

This will be a funeral I will attend... for both boys... for different reasons...

Of course this triggers a lot... and when I returned to school ... my secretary asked where I had gone... I told her... and teared up a bit... tried hard not to... and she gave me a look filled with such compassion... and said she was sure it also triggered a lot for me... she doesn't know details about Mom.. but she knows Mom died of cancer... and she gets it...

It was a hard day.