Friday Night

Friday is a great day of any week... marking the end of the work week and the beginning of the weekend.  This week seemed extra long and on top of it my throat started getting sore yesterday and my sinuses are still not clear.  I called the doctor to see if I could maybe get another round of antibiotics but was told that the first round is still in my system and that I need to rest and drink lots of fluids.  Meh.  So, while many people may use Friday night to blow off some steam, to meet up with friends, or go out for dinner and a movie... I did a few errands, came home, and stayed home.  When I got home I had a package waiting for me... containing some pretty amazing things... some of my photographs that are now really really big!  One of them is like 40 inches by 55 inches!  I knew they were coming, my friend Michael, in Oregon, has access to machines that can print pictures with these huge dimensions.  Knowing I have been wanting to enlarge some of my pictures he told me to send him some files and he would experiment.  Experiment? These prints are amazing.  I can't wait to get them framed, to hang them up.  The package include multiple prints of multiple pictures... and I am truly in awe.... I am so worried something will happen to damage them in the meantime.  I will post pictures of them as soon as I get them somehow protected.  I think my Christmas gifts to myself this year will be framing them... some will need customized work, and it will be well worth it.  There is an art store close to my house, and I may take some there to get started... at least to see what the cost would be.  So many people have told me that I should take my pictures and try to sell them...and I have thought of that... but hadn't really seen any of my pictures so big... and I do have to say that maybe having them printed and selling some may be smart... There are some restaurants in Portland that often display the work of a local 'artist' each month.  A guy who went to the same high school I went to displays his quilts at one of them  and he sells them.  So...  maybe I will try to do something with them after the holidays... possibilities...

After putting the prints away safely I was feeling pretty tired... and decided I was going to let myself relax... usually relaxing for me, lately anyway, has been watching tv while surfing the internet.  But last night I decided that I wasn't going to multi-task... a decided to get a Broadway fix... and put in my dvd of the final Broadway performance of RENT.  Loyal blog readers know that I feel very connected to Rent... and that there are songs and quotes that have become, in ways, my mantras...'Forget Regret'... 'Measure your life in Love'.... 'Today for you, Tomorrow for Me'.... I saw Rent twice on Broadway... both times it moved me to tears... it's powerful.... about friends with ups and downs... friends facing losses, personal battles, disease... about poverty... and about Love.... I love that the show portrays love in so many ways... I almost want to say that it re-defines love, but that would not be accurate.  It's almost as if the play exposes Love... in its many forms... while showing its universality... Love is love... whether between friends, lovers, or community... Love is love... and always powerful... sometimes forgotten, pushed aside, sabotaged due to fear, misunderstandings, distrust... I think... part of the draw for me, to this show, is also about the faith...maybe not faith... courage... that the characters have... to live in the moment, 'No Day But Today,' ... which is something that is not easy for me.  I think about things... a lot... about what could happen, would happen... if I made certain choices... At times I wrap myself in very thick bubble wrap in anticipation of needing that layer of protection... and maybe I need to anticipate less and live more...

Christmas is coming... that is not an epiphany of course... and for the first time in five years... I am going to decorate for it... I'm going to get a tree, put up lights and decorations... and I am excited about it.  I have bought ornaments that will accentuate the other decorations in my living room... yes, colors from the painting... I bought a wreath to hang, am looking for a tree stand... and have not been annoyed by the retail stores for putting out their decorations before Halloween had even passed... and am looking forward to the music and lights of the season.  Mom loved Christmas... it was her favorite time of year.  I remember our family traditions when I was a kid... The rule was, that we could not put our tree, our real tree, up until Dad's birthday in early December.  As his birthday approached we would, as a family, walk through the woods on our property and look for a tree... We would find one we agreed  on, probably not as perfect as we would have found at a tree farm, and my sister and I would each choose a small tree for our bedrooms, which we were to keep in a Maxwell House Coffee can somewhere in our room... Decorating the tree would involve going through boxes of ornaments and reminiscing about where they had each come from.  One ornament I remember for some reason was a wooden one, that was a teeter totter, and for some reason I remember it being one given to us my by aunt, Donna, but I could be wrong.  It seems like we had several wooden ornaments... As we got older, as with many things, it became less magical... somewhere along the way I learned that Dad's favorite chore was not cutting down, hauling, and putting up the tree... (which I can understand because I am worried about how to get my tree up this year, solo, which is always a challenge... and yes, I will probably see if someone can help...)  I learned that Mom used to get frustrated with cooking on Christmas because she missed playing with us and spending time with our family as the day unfolded... and even later, when Mom and Dad had given in to the fake tree movement, I learned that Mom always wanted to put the tree up earlier than Dad's birthday... that she loved playing Christmas music 24 hours a day... which Dad tolerated... Mom's last Christmas was 2008... I remember that year, for Thanksgiving, Mom was feeling good, Sis and the boys were here, and as we moved into the holiday season, I had been invited to go with friends, to a local Christmas concert... and I went... and it was hard, really hard.. The beautiful music, the star performer's voice singing some of Mom's favorite songs, made me miss her so much, before she was even gone... sitting through that concert was really really hard... and I remember exiting quickly afterwards, despite being invited to go back to my friends' house... (Of course that's my current memory of it, it may have played out differently...but that's how it seems now...)
This year, being filled with the holiday spirit, more than I have in such a long time... is exciting... and anxiety provoking... I would love to go to a local holiday concert, love to hear the music Mom loved so much... and while I know it would be beautiful, I am scared that it would be an emotional experience for me, that I would be the crazy lady crying in her seat... and that fear prevents me from buying tickets, from asking friends if they would want to go... and maybe if I went... it would be good for me... to feel what I would feel... to cry if  moved to cry... without worrying about what the people sitting next to me may think...  although, I just remembered that last year, for Christmas, as we had done the previous year, we went to church... on Christmas Eve... I think Dad and I have gone to church every Christmas Eve after Mom died, except for one that I think we went to Sis's... and the music there, was powerful and emotional... but maybe I do it this year... buy a ticket to a local concert... and see what happens...

I have lots I should do today and tomorrow... and lots of things I want to do... which happen to be independent of one another... one thing I am going to do, is take one of my prints to the local art store... and see what options I have...

No day but today... If I really believe that... maybe I need to do an experiment and see where that takes me... leaving the bubble wrap at home