TRAIN!

There are rational and irrational fears.  My fear of moths for example... probably irrational... although I can rationalize it 'til the cows come home.  My fear of heights... rational.. fall from a very high place and that's it baby, lights out!  Well... one of the fears that I have had and don't talk much about and try hard not to think about is my fear of cancer.

I know people who have this fear... and because of their experiences the fear, in my judgment, is rational.  Some people are convinced that they have cancer, that it will kill them before they are 50 and avoid medical testing because of that fear... Other people just think that  any abnormality is cancer... Someone who fears cancer is Jill... who I mention often... though I am sure in her mind I could mention her more.  She has a fear of cancer.  Fear of what it would mean for her family should she ever get that diagnosis.  She saw her mother in law lose the battle to cancer... and you all know my eye witness account of losing Mom...

My thinking has become that it is not if I get cancer... it's when will I get cancer... perhaps people think that because those thoughts are in my head I will attract cancer to me.  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  My family history includes: breast cancer, colon cancer, kidney cancer, and I believe cervical cancer... all of which can be hereditary.  So.. if I escape from this world without having it, I will be amazed...surprised and happy, but amazed.

Jill and I have talked and I have declared that I will not die the way my mother died.  That if I get a  diagnosis of cancer, I would jump in front of a bus.  Then after talking about it realized that a bus may not finish me off... so instead the plan is jumping in front of a train.  That would do it.  So when we are having a crazy day or have a fear about the big C, we simply say TRAIN!  and don't have to go further because we know what we are thinking...

Would I really jump in front of a train? Probably not... because of the fear of heights admitted above... to be fast enough to jump in front of a train I would have to be above it and drop down... and the whole jumping thing would be hard...

Disclaimer: Should anyone be fearful that I have processed this idea enough to know the ins and outs of it? No.  I am not going to jump in front of a train.

That being said... I have heard that Oregon and Washington are the only two states in which patient assisted suicide is legal... and I would not be opposed, depending on the circumstances... to declaring residency there and finding a good doctor... I do not want to suffer.  Period.

So where is all this coming from? Well... I have a doctor's appointment Wednesday... called and scheduled it today... the reason:  I have a mole that has changed... and I don't like it.  To most people I am sure it is not a big deal.. but in my mind.. it is cancerous.

I of course have researched online and my mole does not look like the images of cancerous moles that can be found on google... but... I know it has changed and that makes me nervous.  I am going to insist that she remove it, right there in her office... I do not want to go to another doctor... I want it taken off... period.  And I may even threaten to do it myself if she refuses.

My reaction to this mole... has, to a degree, surprised me.  I know that there is fear for me about cancer... but I didn't think I would react to something until I had something to react to, if that makes sense... but then again, at a recent conference I attended I completed a rating scale to determine my areas of strengths and weaknesses in executive functioning... and was completely unshocked by the news that my strongest area.. is metacognition... thinking about how one thinks... surprise surprise..

Click here to hear a song... the song that is going through my head...

Will keep you posted...

TRAIN!!