My heart broke...

I remember in my first teaching job I was told I was too idealistic when it came to what I could expect from other teachers and from administrators.  I was told being an idealist was a bad thing.  That it was too much for me to expect that all teachers act in ways that keep the best interest of kids as their focus.  I left that job.  Left being unsure if I would return to education.  

I did return.  Knowing that there would be politics at play, knowing there would be teachers with whom I would disagree, knowing there would be hard days, knowing I would do the best I could do, every day, to help the kids.  And while I have had situations where I wish I could have made more of a difference... I can say that I work to do what is best for kids.  

The part of my job that I hate, yes hate, is the paperwork.  As a special education teacher I have a lot of paperwork.  A notice to notify people,who have already agreed to the meeting time, of the time of the meeting.  Another notice to remind the people who were present at the meeting what happened at the meeting, but we can't be too detailed because that may open the district up to a lawsuit, an individual education plan that takes a lot of time to write, there are progress updates, there are evaluations to conduct and summarize... for every one meeting I have I generate 20+ pages of paperwork...and that's for the kids who are pretty straight forward.  The complicated kids have even more paperwork.  I hate it.  But it is part of my job.  I understand that.  But... it is ridiculous... to try to do lesson plans (6 periods a day, where inside each period I have 2-3 levels of ability requiring different approaches), provide instruction, do the paperwork, supervise assistants, ensure that classroom accommodations are being met in the regular education classrooms, keep grades for the kids I instruct, monitoring grades for the kids on my caseload and my homeroom... it is a lot.  So... when something in my day has to give...for me, it's the paperwork.  I think it is more important to work with kids, be with kids... than do paperwork.. 

Today one of my students asked if she could talk to me about something she was upset about.  In the conversation she told me that she talks to her mom about stuff, but that her mom gets worked up when issues involve this girl's father.  Her parents are divorced and both have new significant others in their lives.  The girl is upset about the upcoming holidays... specifically Christmas.  She wants to spend Christmas with her maternal grandparents because they are usually alone.  Her Dad wants to pick her up at 11 a.m. Christmas morning to have the afternoon with her.  She tried to talk to her dad about wanting to stay with her grandparents for lunch but felt that her Dad's wife kept jumping in and cutting her off.  She feels that she and her dad don't talk like they used to before her dad got married this summer.  I told her that she is a pretty articulate kid and she should find a way to talk to her dad.  She said she gets emotional and I told her all girls get emotional when talking to their dad's about big stuff.  The conversation was not long and didn't get too deep... at the end she just looked at me and thanked me for being someone she can come to when she needs to talk to someone...and then we did math.  If I was away doing paperwork I would have missed that opportunity.  Did I solve her problem in that instant? No.  I know this.  But did it perhaps show her that going to an adult to talk about things is okay? Yes.  So it is hard for me, because I am so invested in the kids, not just in their math lessons, but in who they are... to not be there unless I can't help it.  

So... the other day I had one of my regular meetings with my boss, the director of special education, who, I may add, has not set foot in my classroom in the last... ohh.. probably 5 years...and who evaluates me as a teacher... ironic that someone evaluating me on teaching hasn't seen me teach... but... what she does have, in her hands, always, are my paperwork "stats."  So... Tuesday's meeting wasn't about the kids, about my teaching, about my instruction, ... out of the 11 IEP meetings I have had this year, paperwork associated with three of them were done late.  2 of those three were on new students... who I could have easily finished on time, but felt that their plans did not have enough information in them based solely on the information that came to me in their files from sending schools... I wanted their plan in my school to really give information about what they need, where they are... but I should have just retyped what was on the papers from the sending schools even though it said things like... for a writing goal: student will demonstrate writing skills at her level.  When I saw that goal... I thought, well, whatever she writes... wouldn't that be at her level? So why have a goal? So I tried to tease out what areas of writing she could do and what areas she couldn't.  I needed to assess her skills and write a measurable goal that described her skills and project how far she could improve in a year... but that time means missing deadlines...I said to her... I spend a lot of time at home, doing lesson plans, grading, and paperwork because there is not enough time in the day, when teaching, to do that.  Her response was... well, you could be the greatest teacher in the world, it doesn't matter... if you don't have your paperwork done on time...well... [insert disappointed scrunched up face with head shaking]... so I said to her... Which takes priority, teaching, actually instructing the kids, or paperwork.  Her response... "Unfortunately, the paperwork."  

And my heart broke.  

Unfortunately.  Absolutely Unfortunate.  That our society, even within education,  is so driven by litigation and the fear of litigation, where ensuring that something gets to parents in 7 school days instead of 8 takes priority over teaching and teachable moments with kids.  She advised me to take time away from instructing to do paperwork.  

This is not what I signed up for.  I never grew up thinking (since I decided in second grade I wanted to be a special ed. teacher) that I wanted to be a teacher to sit in a room, away from kids, typing on a computer to do paperwork while I have someone cover my classroom... I envisioned being with kids, teaching, learning, engaging... 

Is it a huge deal for me to miss a class in the scheme of things? No.  When I am sick, a substitute takes over for me... but when you have a substitute, you cannot introduce new things... a substitute doesn't know that when giving directions to my sixth grade class she needs to say them to the class then repeat them to two of the boys whose attention span is small.  And even if I write it down, the sub doesn't know to watch "Billy" and know that when his left leg bounces and he starts running his eye that he is stuck and doesn't want to ask for help.  And he will continue to bounce her leg and when he catches you looking at him he will put pencil to paper and move it around, not doing the work, telling himself he will take it home and have his parents do it for him or a sibling... not learning, not being prompted on all the steps because he has not mastered it... but he will... You cannot write out those details for every kid in every class...... but it is more important for me to be doing paperwork than being there to move over to his desk and help him in a way that does not draw attention to him.... in a way that encourages him to ask for help on the next step... A kid today, had a lightbulb moment, where, while other kids were doing one thing, I was working on something different and suddenly he got it, understood how to do long division and said he wanted to do some problems for homework... A kid who never wants homework, asked for some.  Had I been doing paperwork... I would have missed that and perhaps the sub wouldn't have seen that he was able to move forward, beyond what other kids were doing... and he would have been bored instead of motivated.  Paperwork takes priority.  

Yuck.  

Paperwork takes priority when I have kids coming to me with tears in their eyes because one of their teachers  won't let them have a test read to them, even if it is an accommodation in their educational plan.  Or crying because a teacher, in front of all the kids in class, told them that he shouldn't try because he is failing and there is nothing he can do to not fail.  Or a student who just had another kid call them a slut... but paperwork takes priority.  

I really have no choice... but to give up kid time to do the paperwork...because there are not enough hours in the day to do it all otherwise...  Missing two hours to do some of the paperwork (because then it has to be reviewed and sent back for any corrections) ... may not sound like a big deal... but... I have a caseload of 21 students on my caseload for whom I have to do paperwork.  (Some spec. ed teachers in this country have way more than that... legally I could have up to 35)... For each of those kids, in addition to the 2-3 hours of paperwork, I have a 1-2 hour meeting on each.  So... let's say 2 hours of paperwork plus 1.5 hours of meeting time (most happen during the school day)  for 21 kids equals... 73.5 hours... plus some of those kids have additional meetings called triennials, which involve additional paperwork time and meeting time... probably 5 of my kids are in that situation this year... so that is an additional  15 hours or so... plus there are the kids who need additional meetings before they transition to the high school.. so.. another 6-8 hours there... plus there are kids who just struggle requiring 2-4 additional meetings throughout the year... this year I have maybe 2 of those kids... so that's another 10-12 hours... plus there are the meetings I attend for kids I do not case manage but instruct... for whom I don't have to do all of the paperwork, but do have to write goals, monitor goals, and record data for... those meetings probably add another 10-12 hours.. so let's add that up... 73.5 + 15 + 7 +11 + 11 = 117.5 hours of 'paperwork time' that would take away form kid time... let's round up to 120 hours... kids are at school, not counting their lunch time, for 5.5 hours a day... 120 divided by 5.5= 21.82 ... almost 22 days of school, per year, that would be devoted to paperwork... if I do all of my paperwork during the school day (still doing all my planning at home)... There are 175 student days ... missing 22 of them... is... a hard pill to swallow.  In a day, I provide instruction to 35 kids or so... 35 kids missing instruction for 22 days.  If a kid misses 22 days of school, wouldn't that be considered truant?   If I missed 22 days of work I believe I would be required to have a doctor's note... 

Ok... so I am being dramatic... But to say that it is okay to miss 22 days, each of which contains multiple opportunities to reach kids.... is not okay with me.  

I understand the need for documentation and accountability, I do.  But... in the years I have put into this career... the paperwork demands increase every year....time needed to do the paperwork increases because there is a learning curve on learning the new elements... 

It is time for a change.  I want a new job.  I want to be an assistant principal.  Of course that role will involve meetings and paperwork... but not at the expense of time with kids.  And in that role I will be acting in a way that benefits kids in different ways.  

The system is flawed... I feel like I need to do something to change it.  That damn idealist inside of me... 

We need to do what is best for kids... and what's best for kids is having teachers teaching... and until I get that assistant principal job... I am going to teach kids, as best I can, every day... and I will do the paperwork... and will do my best to do it on time...