Fifteen two, fifteen four, and a crazy lady makes 6?

This post may be a bit scattered.. there are all kinds of things in my head including:

- Camping

-nephews

-grandmother

-Rico

-Jill

-kayaking

-dentist

-blog

So let's see what happens... ready?

I was talking on the phone the other day with my sister... and my nephews were in the background... my oldest nephew was trying to teach his brothers how to play cribbage... my dad and I taught him last summer and for Christmas I had given him a cribbage board and a deck of cards.. Oh how I love those boys...

I am sad to say that this summer I will most likely not be having my usual time with them this summer. With gas prices the way they are, driving 5 hours one way is tough... especially trying to make sure they each get one on one time with me... plus I am in the process of looking for jobs and while there are very few positions open right now, more could open, and I feel like I really need to make that a priority right now... and while I feel selfish doing that... I gotta look long term... and it would be impossible to do an interview if I had the boys... so... we'll see what happens. I remember time with my aunts... and my favorite times were when I felt like they saw something in me that was special, unique... and I try to make the boys feel that way... they are amazing people. My middle nephew had been growing out his hair.. for the last two years I think... because at his school, in the final days of the school year, there is a large assembly where students get their hair cut, in front of the entire school, and donate it to locks of love... and my middle nephew took on that challenge.. the longer hair suited him in some ways... and many people mistook him for a girl... it happened last summer when he was here with me and he shrugged it off, saying he knew who he was so it didn't matter if other people didn't know he was a boy... I love that about him...

I love that the boys were playing cribbage... I have so many happy memories of playing games in my family.. board games and card games... I think I learned a lot through those games... and playing them togther, gave us time... something I cherish...

I am trying to plan my weekend of camping... I am heading north... and along the way or on the way back, I want to see my grandmother and my aunt... I would also love to see my other aunt and my uncle, but they are not going ot be home... my grandmother was recently hospitalized... for a heart 'episode'... suspecting a mild heart attack... she has had something similar in the past... she is amazing.. 93 years old... and lives on her own... with the help of my aunts. I adore her.

I am exicted that I am going to see Rico this week! He will be in Boston for his job and we are going to spend the afternoon together. I am a little stressed about it, just because I have to get things done to get ready to go camping, but I think I can get that all done tomorrow... so by Thursday I will be relaxed and will be able to have fun seeing Rico! Then in a couple of weeks I will get to see Jill! YAY! It has been about two years since I last saw her, how crazy is that? time flies. (Jill please notice I mentioned your name THREE times... I know your ego will be pleased!)

In the meantime I have been finding time to kayak... yup.. went yesterday and today. It really is something I love. I would go tomorrow if I get everything done. I would love to see if the mother loon I saw recently has hatched her eggs... but... I may not get up there... but maybe I will... hmmmm... forgot I wanted to see if the loon babies have hatched... anyway... see how distracted I am?

So... I have decided that I need to keep this blog here... where it is... under its current name... (this may change of course...) My reasoning is that I have recently been contacted by a few other pvns sufferers who have come across my blog. I feel that I put this out there for me, but also because I was so frustrated by the lack of info about pvns... and my blog comes up in the search engine and if people can find it and take any comfort, then I think that is important. I have made some great connections with folks who have found me here...(hi Michael!) I am thankful for those connections... and want to keep going here... yes I know I could keep this one posted and start a new one.. and maybe I will... but... we'll see...

What else was I thinking about.. oh yeah.. the dentist..

I hate the dentist... okay, so not the dentist necessarily... I hate going to the dentist... the sounds, the smells... I hate it... as a kid we went to a dental clinic and the dentist there was the husband of my kindergarten teacher... and he was probably very kind.. but.. he looked like a mad scientist... I don't remember him being a bad guy, but over the years I developed some anxiety... and have neglected my teeth... until now... I chipped a tooth over the weekend... and was lucky to get into the dentist this morning... and will return tomorrow (was supposed to be in late July, but lucky me they had a cancellation!) for my new patient appointment... I am not sure how that will go... but... time will tell... I am sure there is a lot of work to be done. the dentist is a nice man... One of my friends recommended him. He is gentle... very gentle... as he injected the novicaine today he told me to take a deep breath so that it would not hurt as badly... and I did... after a few minutes he said... oh, you can exhale now... phew... I was pleasantly surprised that I did not feel judged while I was there, for my lack of recent dental care... At the end of the procedure to fix my tooth (involved removing an old filling and getting a new one)... I unclenched my fists... and my arm muscles were sore... I think I was clenching my hands tightly the entire time.. So... tomorrow I will be once again, in the dentist's chair... I hate the dentist.. did I mention that?

Well... I think that's it for now... at least for what is in the forefront of my mind... it may be a while before another post.. but know I am headed for my mountain... my moose... and can't wait!

Time to Let Go?

Good news.. good news!!! Actually GREAT news... I went to Boston today for my appointment with my PVNS guru/superhero...

I was supposed to be there for xrays at 10:30 and my appt. with the doctor was scheduled for 11:30... I got to the hospital in Boston around 9:00... (Yes I am chronically early....always...) After leaving my truck with valet parking I went down to radiology to see if I could get into get my xrays early... after checking in I realized I had forgotten my MRI discs in the truck... UGH! So I had to go back to valet parking and they brought my truck back up, long enough for me to get my disc and then took it back... (The valet parking at Brigham & Women's is cheaper than the park it yourself garage!)

I returned to radiology and had my xrays around 9:45. I then headed over to register at the ortho. department.. and they told me that my insurance referral was 'pending'... this did not make me happy because my doctor's office had assured me back in May or maybe even April, that it was all set... so after registering I called my doctor's office (I love my doctor!) and she told me she had the paperwork in front of her and it was approved... phew... so that is something I can battle another day... or have her office battle it for me... yeah that's a better idea... I got to my doctor's office around 10:15 or so... and to my surprise, he was running ahead of schedule. So by 11:00 I was in an exam room with a very young, eager med student... from Haaaaahhvaaahhd... (Harvard)

He was nervous... definitely needs some work on his bedside manner... He asked me how long it had been since the doctor had done my hip... Hip? Yo, Kid... look at the chart... I said, ummm it wasn't my hip... he was very embarassed and then said, oh yeah... your knee... I said, yes, I had surgery four years ago for PVNS.. (Yep... FOUR years... wow!) ... he said he needed to go ask the doctor a question and when he returned he said he had been asked to talk with me about how I had been doing since I had last seen the doctor. I told him I had walked two half marathons and the poor little guy about fell off his stool... I think he misjudged me... he then asked to see my knee and I rolled up my jeans and he was impressed with the scar on the back of my leg. He then did some little exam to see if it was moving properly and to test my strength.. then left...

Next came my superhero, my PVNS guru! What a pleasant man he is... and I still enjoy his Aussie accent. He asked me if I would be okay with a couple of his 'fellows' could look at my scars because they had never seen a real pvns patient... Whenever I go down I expect that, to be on display a bit, because it is so rare... then my doctor said that the knee looks great... the xrays show that the structure of things looks good and the MRI also looks good. I questioned him about the earlier mentioned appearance of pvns nodules... and he said that it seems to be scar tissue that has gotten a little bigger since the last mri... I like that answer a lot better. I asked him if there were any signs of recurrance and he told me that the best sign is that I have no fluid on my knee... I suppose that means that my body is not trying to fight anything in that area... So... He said I was all set... And I said, "All set? What does that mean?" He said. "Well... do you want to come back to see me?" I said, "You are the guru, what should I do?" He said we could do an MRI next year to make sure that things are okay, and I could either come to Boston for him to give me the results or I can send him the MRI and he can let me know the results over the phone or via email...which sounded good to me... And then I asked what would be the next thing after that... and he said... nothing... unless you have any problems in the future... It took me a minute to process that... "So... I don't have to come back? Ever?" I said. "Nope, unless you want to or unless you have problems," he replied... I then told him that I like that idea, but that I worry about it coming back... he told me that whilc I have been dealing with pvns in my life for the last 6 years or so (the first couple years was when I was undiagnosed and miserable!) that he has been dealing with it for over 20 years... and told me that I should let him do the worrying...

Really? I can let go of this? Forever? Wow... So then I said, "So you think it will come back, rear its ugly head again?" (See... already not taking doctor's advice to not worry....) And he said... "It's been four years... and if it comes back, it will not be for a very long time..."

We shook hands... I thanked him for everything... and I left his office... for what could be the last time... I sat down in a seating area close by and just took a few minutes to process it... and yes, I shed a few tears of relief... I was really worked up about this appointment... a couple of my friends have asked me why I expected bad news... and my only answer is that life seems pretty good... and that scares me... I need practice at living life when things are good... I need to somehow get comfortable with that...

After a few deep breaths and wiping away my tears of relief... I sent some texts and emails to let people know the good news... and quickly paid for parking... just as I was heading outside my phone rang... a MA number... and I did not recognize it... so I let it go to voicemail...fearing that it was my doctor's office telling me they read the wrong MRI and I needed to come back... but it was a friend from college who I stopped to see on my way home...

So I left the hospital... and as I drove home I thought about that drive four years ago... leaving with those incisions and hope for a brighter future... a painless future... and as I drove today I thought about how happy this news made me... and how much love and support I had during and following my surgery... I am lucky.

I had dinner tonight with one of my friends who was there through much of my recovery, Suellen. She was elated to hear the news tonight and after the initial run down of the news we talked about many other things... and before we left the restaurant she said, before we leave, I really just want to take a minute to really just recognize the good news about your knee... (Smile.) I told her that I think some people think my anxiety this week has been overly dramatic... and she told me that had people seen how much pain I was in before surgery, how insane the incisions were, how hard the recovery was, and how hard I have worked to be mobile again... they would never question my anxiety about the idea of pvns coming back...ahhh validation.

So... I need to let go... somehow... and not tell myself that my knee will be okay for a while...until my next appointment... and tell myelf my knee is okay. Period.

Maybe it is time to end this blog... and start another... because after all.. I can no longer say "I HAVE PVNS..." I can now say I HAD pvns... If I start another blog I will of course, let y'all know.. but in the meantime... this blog will remain active...

(Sigh of relief here!)

What a difference a day ...could make...

24 hours from now I should be either finished with my doctor's appointment... in my doctor's appointment... or still sitting in the waiting room before my appointment... I am ready... as ready as I can be... I have cleaned out my truck... taken all my school stuff out that I brought home for the summer... made sure my cup holders are available for the bottles of water I will drink... I do still need to go and fill up with gas... and one of my friends and I are going to go get pedicures and then go out to dinner...

So... tomorrow... I will know... if PVNS is creeping back... or not.... In my head I worry about it being back... and then I say to myself, what if it is? What is the worst case scenario? Well... having to have another major surgery... but... because I haven't really had any syptoms other than a few pains here and there .. which I have also had in my other knee... so... even if it is back and even if surgery is needed... I don't think it would be soon... and maybe it wouldn't be the same major surgery I had before... maybe if it is back... it just means that I need to be monitored more closely... instead of every couple of years... maybe I head back to Beantown in 6 months or a year....

Or... Maybe... maybe it's not back at all... (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!)

A little more to the story...

The mountain is calling me... My whole being needs to get up there... to be away from everything... After having a hard time sleeping last night I have been thinking today.. about what kept me awake.. and as I posted earlier... I am scared about Friday, going to the doctor to see what is in store for my knee... I am scared... scared that PVNS could be back.. and if it is... scared of it consuming my life again... that's terrifying... in many ways things in my life have settled down and there have been things to celebrate even... and I do believe good things are on the horizon.. no calls for interviews yet.. but I am hopeful... but this is when I get nervous... when things are going well... nervous that the universe is once again scheming... and I have fear that the rug will be pulled out from underneath me... the last time I put fear aside and dove in... was with Matt... and we all know how well that turned out... I had the same fear with him, even told him that fear... and he assured me nothing would come out of the blue... anyway... so PVNS is rearing its ugly head.. and maybe it's not growing back... but... maybe it is... Friday in general will be a day of anxiety... getting up early, having to drive into Boston... I hate driving in Boston... and the drive there gives me time to think.... overthink... and think some more... after my appointment I am going to meet up with a friend of mine from college... who recently lost her dad to cancer... we haven't seen each other in 14 years... we are 'friends' on facebook and she reached out to me to ask me how to say good bye to her dying father... thinking that I may have words of wisdom... I look forward to reconnecting with her, but it is awkward that the connection will have been initiated by us both being in the 'I lost a parent to cancer' club...

And then there's the house thing... which is kind of hitting me hard tonight... my dad is selling his house... the house where we moved when I was in seventh grade... I am happy for him, to be putting that chapter behind him, but it is still hard... he has cleaned it all out... it's empty apparently... and it is hard for me to picture it that way... that house has a lot of memories... good and not so good... my father has even more memories than I have there... there is a lot of death there... my great grandfather, whom I never knew, was killed while he was sitting on the porch... so the story goes... a drunk driver had fallen asleep at the wheel, drove off the road, and right onto the porch... my grandfather had a heart attack there and while the ambulance had come to take him, he had died before he left the house... my great grandmother had come to live there after she had gotten sick and she died, of old age and heart failure... and of course my mom...

Dad was part of the last three deaths... in the middle of the night he went to that house (from the house we used to live in just down the road)... to help get my grandfather into the ambulance and to carry my great grandmother's frail body in an effort to get her to the hospital... and was at mom's side the whole way... I lived in two houses growing up... the one that was down the street and this one... from seventh grade on... this is the house that I associate most with the word home... but it is also the house I associate with losing my mother... since Mom died there... it has been incredibly hard to be in that house... I don't know how Dad has done it for the last two years... When I drive up there and pull in the driveway my heart rate increases, my stomach gets queasy... and when I walk in I immediately look to the corner where the hospital bed was... where my mom list her battle with cancer... and even thought he furniture had been rearranged... the image was clear in my mind... that house... the stone fireplace my grandfather built that kept us so warm... where I could look at my dad and look at the fireplace and could usually convince him that his little girl was cold and he would start a fire.... I remember my grandmother's chair that used to be there... a real old fashioned recliner, that in order to recline required that you get up and move the metal bar from one notch to another to change where it was supported... the floor where I used to use my grandparents' dog, Mandy, as a pillow... where I had my first crushes... those boys names are still painted on the plywood under the carpet in my old bedroom... where my sister and I shared a room for a brief time... where my water bed spring a leak in the middle of the night and because I was somewhere between awake and asleep I thought I had wet the bed... It's where Mom opened her first craft shop...where I tried to do something nice for my dad by mowing the lawn and when he came home, he smiled and told me it would come out better if the blade on the mower was actually engaged... where Dad put a couple of trash cans on the lawn so I could practice parallel parking before my driver's test... where my grandmother used to park her school bus that my sister and I used to play in...where graduation pictures were always taken in front of the lilac tree...and the rhododendron grew so tall...where on bad days I would walk into the yard with my notebook and sit under the poplar trees and write about things that I was upset about or wondered about... where I began writing as a way to process things without burdening other people... where under my grandmother's carport a robin built it's nest in the clematis plant every wpring....where my mother's step-brother let Mom know as she was dying that he wanted the house... classy, right?... where I medicated my mother with morphine to keep her restful and calm and hopefully pain free... where I watched my father say good bye to his beloved wife... where life as I knew it changed forever...

Mom and Dad had planned on selling the house... to move into something smaller... they had planned that for a long time, even before my Mom's mom had gotten sick.... it was something that was always in the works... until Mom got sick... I remember when Mom was really sick... and she looked around the house one day and apologized... she told me that I would resent her when I was cleaning out the house... well Mom, I didn't really do anything...Dad has done it all... the amount of effort it has taken him is something none of us will really know because he's putterer... and I am sure there have been tough tough moments for him... He told me today on the phone, that Friday was a hard day for him... that makes sense to me...

One of my friends, who had lost her mom a couple years before Mom died... told me that grief is like waves... sometimes those waves are small and other times they knock you over... I think that's one of the best analogies... putting the house up and selling it (fingers crossed) is a pretty large wave... and it brings much of the sediment to the surface... things that I thought had settled resurface...

I know it is what needs to be done. I know it is what is right. I know it is what is best. And yes the house is important to us... but we all know it is symbolic... seling the house is a sign of something bigger... somethingmore final... and it's hard...

So the mountain is calling... because up there... my heartrate decreases... I breathe easier... my soul finds peace... where my head and my heart seem to align... I can't wait to get up there... soon... very soon...

Dad.. from afar, this is a hard journey... I cannot imagine what it has been like for you... going through EVERYTHING... pictures, boxes, tools, notebooks, trophies... all of those memories... all of that pain... You are so strong... I think that you doing this... emptying the house, cleaning it... getting it ready to sell... is one more way you have taken care of things for our family... for mom... Thank you. I love you.

Friday

I worked a lot over the weekend... a six hour shift on Saturday and eight hours yesterday... yesterday's shift ended at 10 p.m. and I was still wide awake at 1 a.m. ... I couldn't sleep... and couldn't really find a reason for it...

But... I think I am starting to get worked up about Friday... Boston bound... to find out about my knee... and the newest MRI... which I was told shows some pvns nodules...

My knee FEELS good... it has been a little stiff here and there, but so has my other knee... so I am trying to not get too freaked out... but... I don't think it's working very well...

What did it mean?

Today I worked the tolls... it isn't often I have people come through my lane who I knw from my hometown... but today that is just what happened... A vehicle pulled up and I took the person's money as I looked up and it hit me... that I knew that person.. I said to her, "I know you, you are from my hometown." She looked at me, a bit puzzled.. and then I said her name, Connie... Then she said.. oh yes.. you are that girl from the mill... yup.. I worked with her at the papermill where I spent my college summers. The first summer I was there I worked with her and her crew most of the time. She took me under her wing, showing me the ropes and also making sure I knew which guys at the mill were good guys versus those who I should be wary of... She is such a sweet heart.

The second summer I worked there was a very difficult summer... I have shared some of it here before... it was a summer that made me question God more than I had in my life up to that point. The first night I worked at the mill that second summer, a man left in the middle of his shift because he was not feeling well and dropped dead in the parking lot on his way to his car... a 28 year old newlywed/coworker was killed in one of the paper machines while I was working... when driving around town in the middle of the night, my friends and I came upon a woman in the local cemetery who was covered with blood, having tried to kill herself...... and then there was Connie. I learned, not long after having returned to work there, that Connie was sick... she was described by her doctors as 'being right full of cancer,' and her diagnosis was terminal.

I remember being upset at the time, thinking about her and knowing that she was going to suffer... of course at that point in my life my knowledge was hypothetical... She was hospitalized and was told there was nothing doctors could do for her... then, some time later, maybe a year or two, the doctors, surprised that she was still alive, conducted more tests and the cancer was gone. GONE. There was no sign of it on any of the tests... Crazy, right? Maybe some people would say that maybe she never had cancer... maybe... but the scans showed images of cancer... and cancer or not... her body was filled with stuff that should not have been there... and it just disappeared...

I have not heard anything about Connie since my years at the mill, but she was a person whose personality, so warm, so caring, really impacted me. I remember she had been married to a man who was her polar opposite, a complete and total... jerk.. in every sense of the word. When I knew her, she was in the process of leaving/divorcing him and I remember being in awe of her strength because she was quite a bit older than I was and people in her generation didn't often get divorced... but I was glad she was standing up for herself.

Today when I saw her, looking so fabulous, alive, healthy... it really hit me... When I gave her change back to her, we kind of held onto each other's hand for a moment. I just looked at her... and this huge wave of emotion came over me as we said our good byes and she drove away... I think it was relief.. that she was alive... alive and doing well... she had been down here attending a graduation of one of her grandchildren... not only did she survive... she is living... and that made me so incredibly happy.

Then of course, being me... I thought about that meeting.... what are the chances that she would come through my lane, on a day I was working, when I was not on a break... when she could have chosen another lane? Why did our paths cross like that? And believe it or not, it didn't take me long to just let that go, not try to figure it out, and just be pleased that it happened...

Good Weekend

Ahhh... As I sit in my living room knowing there are only two weeks of school left for my students I am excited. I have a lot to do, but I am excited. I have been cleaning out my classroom, really cleaning and packin gup things that belong to me, that I bought, and will bring them home in case I have a new job for next year. (Fingers crossed!) This weekend I should have probably done some things around my house and in my classroom, but I didn't.

Because it was too windy to kayak on Friday, a few coworkers and I opted, instead to have some cool adult beverages, which was fun. It was nice to 'yak' with each other outside of school. That night, Suellen and I walked into the park in our town. They were having a festival of sorts, to celebrate the town. There was some live music and lots of interesting people to see. I did run into some family friends who spend time during the summer camping up at the mountain, the same place Dad camps. It was nice to see them.

Saturday I worked around my house a little in the morning, getting some laundry done, etc. And then worked the tolls in the afternoon. This is a squirrel that lives near the exit where I was working. The 'regulars' feed it by hand, and have seen her nursing her babies. So... She came to the door while I Was on break and wanted some food, so I gave her this pretzel! Crazy Squirrel! I then met up with an out of town friend... to watch the Bruins. He and I have not watched hockey together in a long time. It was nice, even though the team I was cheering for lost and he was happy about it. When he and I first met we spent time watching hockey... and while I was somewhat a hockey fan before him, more so college hockey, watching the games with him taught me a lot about the game and have become much more of a hockey fan. He's a good guy... I was not sure if I would see him again... but I am glad we got to hang out.

Today... you guessed it, kayaking! It was a great day for it. I have a friend who has been wanting to try kayaking and today was that day. She, along with two of my coworkers, and I went kayaking. We went to a river where I have been once before, but we decided to explore an off-shoot of the river and it just kept going and going and going. It felt like we were in a bayou or something, and I half expected to see alligators or crocodiles poke their heads up through the murky water.

We could have kept paddling, but the woman who had never kayaked before was a little tired and we decided to head back.

We saw two families of Canada Geese, one with two babies, and one with seven! AND..I caught a turtle! Bare handed! I snuck up on him from behind... and just as he was about to plunge into the water, I pushed down on his shell a little pinning him, then picked him up. His little legs were flailing like crazy.. I am sure he was a little scared, but he calmed down and I let him go after taking a few pictures.