Time to Let Go?

Good news.. good news!!! Actually GREAT news... I went to Boston today for my appointment with my PVNS guru/superhero...

I was supposed to be there for xrays at 10:30 and my appt. with the doctor was scheduled for 11:30... I got to the hospital in Boston around 9:00... (Yes I am chronically early....always...) After leaving my truck with valet parking I went down to radiology to see if I could get into get my xrays early... after checking in I realized I had forgotten my MRI discs in the truck... UGH! So I had to go back to valet parking and they brought my truck back up, long enough for me to get my disc and then took it back... (The valet parking at Brigham & Women's is cheaper than the park it yourself garage!)

I returned to radiology and had my xrays around 9:45. I then headed over to register at the ortho. department.. and they told me that my insurance referral was 'pending'... this did not make me happy because my doctor's office had assured me back in May or maybe even April, that it was all set... so after registering I called my doctor's office (I love my doctor!) and she told me she had the paperwork in front of her and it was approved... phew... so that is something I can battle another day... or have her office battle it for me... yeah that's a better idea... I got to my doctor's office around 10:15 or so... and to my surprise, he was running ahead of schedule. So by 11:00 I was in an exam room with a very young, eager med student... from Haaaaahhvaaahhd... (Harvard)

He was nervous... definitely needs some work on his bedside manner... He asked me how long it had been since the doctor had done my hip... Hip? Yo, Kid... look at the chart... I said, ummm it wasn't my hip... he was very embarassed and then said, oh yeah... your knee... I said, yes, I had surgery four years ago for PVNS.. (Yep... FOUR years... wow!) ... he said he needed to go ask the doctor a question and when he returned he said he had been asked to talk with me about how I had been doing since I had last seen the doctor. I told him I had walked two half marathons and the poor little guy about fell off his stool... I think he misjudged me... he then asked to see my knee and I rolled up my jeans and he was impressed with the scar on the back of my leg. He then did some little exam to see if it was moving properly and to test my strength.. then left...

Next came my superhero, my PVNS guru! What a pleasant man he is... and I still enjoy his Aussie accent. He asked me if I would be okay with a couple of his 'fellows' could look at my scars because they had never seen a real pvns patient... Whenever I go down I expect that, to be on display a bit, because it is so rare... then my doctor said that the knee looks great... the xrays show that the structure of things looks good and the MRI also looks good. I questioned him about the earlier mentioned appearance of pvns nodules... and he said that it seems to be scar tissue that has gotten a little bigger since the last mri... I like that answer a lot better. I asked him if there were any signs of recurrance and he told me that the best sign is that I have no fluid on my knee... I suppose that means that my body is not trying to fight anything in that area... So... He said I was all set... And I said, "All set? What does that mean?" He said. "Well... do you want to come back to see me?" I said, "You are the guru, what should I do?" He said we could do an MRI next year to make sure that things are okay, and I could either come to Boston for him to give me the results or I can send him the MRI and he can let me know the results over the phone or via email...which sounded good to me... And then I asked what would be the next thing after that... and he said... nothing... unless you have any problems in the future... It took me a minute to process that... "So... I don't have to come back? Ever?" I said. "Nope, unless you want to or unless you have problems," he replied... I then told him that I like that idea, but that I worry about it coming back... he told me that whilc I have been dealing with pvns in my life for the last 6 years or so (the first couple years was when I was undiagnosed and miserable!) that he has been dealing with it for over 20 years... and told me that I should let him do the worrying...

Really? I can let go of this? Forever? Wow... So then I said, "So you think it will come back, rear its ugly head again?" (See... already not taking doctor's advice to not worry....) And he said... "It's been four years... and if it comes back, it will not be for a very long time..."

We shook hands... I thanked him for everything... and I left his office... for what could be the last time... I sat down in a seating area close by and just took a few minutes to process it... and yes, I shed a few tears of relief... I was really worked up about this appointment... a couple of my friends have asked me why I expected bad news... and my only answer is that life seems pretty good... and that scares me... I need practice at living life when things are good... I need to somehow get comfortable with that...

After a few deep breaths and wiping away my tears of relief... I sent some texts and emails to let people know the good news... and quickly paid for parking... just as I was heading outside my phone rang... a MA number... and I did not recognize it... so I let it go to voicemail...fearing that it was my doctor's office telling me they read the wrong MRI and I needed to come back... but it was a friend from college who I stopped to see on my way home...

So I left the hospital... and as I drove home I thought about that drive four years ago... leaving with those incisions and hope for a brighter future... a painless future... and as I drove today I thought about how happy this news made me... and how much love and support I had during and following my surgery... I am lucky.

I had dinner tonight with one of my friends who was there through much of my recovery, Suellen. She was elated to hear the news tonight and after the initial run down of the news we talked about many other things... and before we left the restaurant she said, before we leave, I really just want to take a minute to really just recognize the good news about your knee... (Smile.) I told her that I think some people think my anxiety this week has been overly dramatic... and she told me that had people seen how much pain I was in before surgery, how insane the incisions were, how hard the recovery was, and how hard I have worked to be mobile again... they would never question my anxiety about the idea of pvns coming back...ahhh validation.

So... I need to let go... somehow... and not tell myself that my knee will be okay for a while...until my next appointment... and tell myelf my knee is okay. Period.

Maybe it is time to end this blog... and start another... because after all.. I can no longer say "I HAVE PVNS..." I can now say I HAD pvns... If I start another blog I will of course, let y'all know.. but in the meantime... this blog will remain active...

(Sigh of relief here!)