Reflections

Wow... I typed "reflection" into google images and this was one of the images that came up. It's from a website called "Pick Your Art.com," to visit it click here. I love it! I love the sunset colors, the tree... the way the reflection of its branches look like its roots... which I am sure is not done so mistakenly... poetic how the branches we grow and the strength of our 'tree' often reflect our own roots. I also love that it is in panels. And the branches... they go out and up and and even down... the tree looks as if it could, at will, move its branches.

The picture momentarily distracted me from my train of thought... which is reflections... I have had a lot of time to think today... and for my loyal blog readers... don't say,"uh-oh." I have not had any great epiphanies or deep internal philosophical discussions about the meaning of life... nope, just reflecting on where I am in life.

I graduate in a few weeks with my masters in educational leadership... it is surreal... surreal is one of those words that I believe are overused and often don't use it because of that reason...but.. here, it fits. I started my masters about 6 years ago... I think... At that time I was struggling with many things... my undiagnosed knee was in pain, my anxiety from the doctors making me feel like the pain was all in my head was high, and my job was difficult.... I shouldn't say my job, what I should say is that where I Was working was a difficult place to be at the time... the culture and climate were terrible... and there were days where I drove into the parking lot and could not make myself park my truck and go inside. Something had to change. I loved my work with the kids... as I always have... it was the adults that made things hard... and I knew I was in a place where I had to do something to make it better for myself or else I would need to leave. That's when I began taking classes in educational leadership. Ironically, at the time, my motivation was a horrible building administrator... I got so frustrated with his actions that I began being one of those people who sat around and talked about how bad things were getting instead of being the person I had always been, one of the people trying to make it better. And in one of those crab sessions it hit me, what was I doing? Maybe I was wrong, maybe this administrator was doing things right and this just wasn't my niche. (Now I KNEW this was not the case.. my gut knew what was happening was not best for kids, but... I had to look at things through a different lens.) So I decided that in order to figure it out.. I needed to take a class or two, in administration, to see if my boss really was as bad as I thought he was, or... if I was completely off my rocker... after taking those couple of classes, I decided I wanted to take more classes... and it wasn't long before I was sure that my administrator was not doing what he should be doing... and I knew I was ready to step up into that role...

I figured that my degree would take me three years to complete, with teaching full time, coaching two seasons a year, and working on the tolls... Well.. as I said above, those three years turned into six. I had to take a semester off when my grandmother was sick, I had to take a semester off when I had my knee surgery... and then when mom was sick... I can't even remember how my classes fit into that time-line. Mom was proud of me for taking classes again... and I am sad that she won't see me graduate... but as many people have told me, she would be proud... I know this. So... her it is six years later... and graduation is just around the corner. I am DONE - D - O - N - E with all of my graduate papers...all of my graduate readings... and all of my graduate projects... all I have left is a 15 minute presentation... Easy as Pie!

My degree means I will be able to be an administrator (principal) in a school... I am hoping that opportunity presents itself for the next school year, but we'll see how it plays out. I do know that moving in that direction is the next career move for me. I do want to make sure that a new position would be a good fit for me. My current job, with a different administrator than described above, has it's difficult moments, and I have been known to want to risk going to jail to beat some sense into some of the other adults I work with...(kidding, mostly) but.. I also have a different perspective, and am making small changes where I can. And, of course, I focus on the kids, which keeps me happy. I work closest with other special education teachers, and while I may be biased, I challenge someone to find a more dedicated group of teachers. It is a great team and I have a niche there... It would be hard to leave, but if I find the right opportunity, I will take it.

So... of course I can't reflect on my life without including my new relationship... Matt and I met less than two months ago...which is about the time that I started feeling that my graduate workload was lifting and that I would once again have a life that didn't involve typing papers and doing research... so the timing was good for me. It's funny because I don't think that either of us are typical of the type of person we have dated in the past... we are still learning about those things, our relationship pasts, but I am pretty sure I unlike other women he has dated. ... we are learning more about one another... and I feel like it is based on who we are... and... so far so good. To use a bit of a gardening pun, since Matt is in a horticulture program... perhaps we have 'grown' on each other... I like that...

I like that at the end of the day I want to hear about his day and share mine with him... I like that we are laughing together and seeing what makes the other 'tick' so to speak... and yes blog buddies, Matt is aware of my blog... and perhaps reads it from time to time... Hi Matt!... The more time I spend with him the more I want to learn about him and spend even more time with him...

It's funny... since mom got sick and lost her battle with cancer, the expression "everything happens for a reason," makes my stomach turn... there is NO reason for that kind of suffering...period... and when people say that, an image of my pale, weathered mother asleep in the hospital bed in my parents living room comes into my mind... I don't care who or what you believe in...not everything does happen for a reason...

Yet I do believe in timing... For me other relationships have not worked...and I believe timing was largely responsible for that... people are at different places in their lives at different times... with different goals and different experiences...and even if two people may work together in many ways... the timing of things throws too many curve-balls...and eventually you strike out. I feel like the timing of things with Matt is good... This may surprise some of you who know that when life is up in the air I get stressed... and the possibility of a new job and wanting a new apartment (new job or not!), might be enough to make me feel really unsure of things... but I am not feeling overwhelmed... surprised? I am... a little. I am not saying that my relationship is headed to happily ever after... but I am saying that I believe in that happily ever after is a possibility... and this has potential... and I am enjoying it in the moment, without looking too far ahead, yet looking far enough ahead... if that makes any sense... Anyway...

I am in a place where I am happy. It has been a while since I felt like it was okay to be happy or maybe safe to be happy... and yes Matt is a part of that...but there is so much more.. I think that meeting him, being ready to meet him... is in part to being able to breathe a little... life has forced me to examine pieces of it very closely in the last few years...neglecting other areas... and I finally feel like I can step back and see the whole picture... appreciate it as a whole vs. focusing in on all of the parts that were scary and uneven, vs. worrying about the pieces that are still a work in progress, or criticizing or being upset about the pieces I would change but can't because the paint has dried... and I can now, look at the whole piece and see how those pieces have been fit together... and recognize that I have been the one putting it together...

And as I look at the big picture... I can see that it is the little things that matter most... moments...truths...pain...joy... love... that make it so beautiful... I feel lucky to be in a place where life feels good. I am grateful.