My friends...

My sister posted something on facebook recently... about it being the anniversary of our mom's death... and after many of her friends commented offering support and relating their own losses, my ssiter wrote "There are a lot of special people in this club..." Losing a parent does make you feel like you are part of an exculsive club... and it is truly not something you can understand until you experience it... I remember writing about that topic before... and it is not the topic of my blog tonight... well... not really.

It's about how being in the club has given me a perspective... and I am learning that it is important for me to not project my experience onto others. On Friday I met up with my good friends to take a walk with them and their five month old daughter. We have not seen each other much since the birth of their daughter, between their adjustment to being a family and my hectic schedule, it has been hard to find time to connect. I was very thankful for having time with them Friday. My friend has bee having a difficult time... her mother is sick and thus far there are no explanations for her illness. She is unable to keep food down, is throwing up often, loses her balance, and has become very dependent upon people for most of her daily tasks. Her mom has spent several days in the hospital on a variety of medications to try to stop the vomitting... My friend is scared. She described seeing her mother in the hospital, how much she looked like she had aged in a short period of time... how unlike herself her mother seemed... and it was hard for me t onot jump in and relate my experience... I remember having some of those same thoughts about my mom... but I did not share that with my friend.. because it wasn't about me.. it was about her... and talking about my mother's symptoms and experience was not going to comfort my friend... she talked about how frustrated they are about not knowing what is going on... and my heart goes out to them. There is such a feeling og helplessness when someone you love is sick... she is conflicted because while she wants to know what is wrong with her mother, she is terrified to know the answer... fearing what that answer could be. I know her mind has gone down the thought process road of what it would mean to lose her mother, but yet she hasn't verbalized it yet... she talked about how she doesn't think her mother could survive in a certain way... that when her mom was in the hospital, at times she thought her breathing would simply stop...

I don't know how to help my friend... and those who know me well know that is a hard place for me to be... I feel conflicted because I do feel like having gone through what I went through with Mom, I can understand what my friend is feeling... not saying that her mom is going to die... I hope not... but those fears and realizations of the mortality of our parents... I get that. I am trying to look at things from her perspective and not through the lens of my own experience... I need to be mindful about not projecting my feelings onto her.. and just be her friend, let her talk, and listen to her...

I hope they get some answers soon... and answers that have solutions...

Another friend I have... who likes to be referenced here, and for spite I will not use her name... who had a health scare this week... She is a person who lives far from her family and despite having a wonderful husband, often feels lonely. They live close to her husband's family now. She knows she has moral support, can call or email people when she needs to, but it is not the same as having someone come over to your house, sit across from you at the table and really talk... she lost her mother in law to cancer not too far from the time I lost Mom... it's funny... because when she talks about her mother in law's death, she always talks about by referring to it as when we lost [husband's name]'s Mom... I don't think I have ever heard her say I lost MY mother in law...which I think allows her to put some distance between her and her mother in law's death... I don't have a mother in law, never have had one... so I cannot speak to what that kind of relationship entails.. but.. from knowing my friend, she very much loved her husband's mother. I wonder sometimes if my friend has not allowed herself to truly grieve the loss of this person in her life because she keeps it at a distance... I hope she allows herslef, at some point, to recognize that yes, her husband lost his mother, but that does not take away from the fact that she lost someone too, someone who mattered to her...I think the impact of losing her mother in law to cancer is deep. My friend did not spend as much time with her mother in law during her illness as she may have wanted to because she has two very young children who needed their own mom to be there for them... she has tried hard to be there for her husband and his family and worries that no matter what she offers for support, it isn't enough... and I think she feels inadequate for not being able to make her husband feel better... or accept things... in addition my friend has been a loyal blog reader, perhaps the most loyal blog reader... so she knows much of what I experienced with my own mother... and knows the pain I have gone through... For her, cancer is familiar. It has been on the circumference of her life for a while now... and one way in which she has reacted is by fearing that she, herself, will have cancer at some point in her life.

Perhaps that reaction sounds a bit extreme, but I think it is more common than you may think. I have heard other people, who have lost loved ones to cancer, predict their own deaths resulting from cancer... I had those moments too, after Mom died.. worrying that my fate was sealed... I am not in that place any more.. but can understand why people's minds go there.

So... this friend found a hard spot, about the size of a pea, uner her arm... in what she thinks are her lymphnodes. She immediately had thoughts that she would die of cancer, leaving her children motherless... and she was scared... As it worked out the lump disappeared which also made my friend's concern disappear...for now... she canceled a doctor's appointment she had made to have it checked out, I think, because she didn't want her doctor to think she was crazy... and is telling herself she needs to get over her irrational fear of cancer.

I respect her decision... but I also want her to know that there is NO irrational fear of cancer. Cancer is very real, and despite the medical reports we hear about all the progress that has been made in cancer research... it is very real... and is worth being afraid of...

I feel like I am rambling tonight.. but my head is thinking about this week and conversations I have had...

I need to work on not projecting my experience, fear, ideas, or prejudices onto my friends... and just be there for them... to listen... and need to remind myself that it's okay that I don't know how to fix things for people...that by definition, a good friend, is not someone who has to have all the answers...