It's okay to have hope...

I had a good conversation with Rico last night. He is a person for whom I have a lot of respect and affection... not affection in the way some may think, but I just appreciate him in a lot of ways... he offers comfort that other people can't offer... not because other people wouldn't want to offer that comfort, but because other people don't understand some things that I am experiencing.

He and I are members of a club that neither of us applied to... but the initiation sucks and the dues are costly... the members of this club are people who have experienced the serious illness of a parent. There are many members of this club...and when you learn that someone carries the membership card there is an instant connection and it changes how you relate to each other. There is a woman at work, for example, with whom I have had a tumultuous professional relationship. In recent years it has improved because we have not had to work together closely. I had heard that her mom had been ill for a while, but did not know the details. Last year, when I learned about my mom having cancer I thought of her. She and I have had a few conversations since that time and this woman has been very compassionate. She herself is older than my mom, and her mom significantly older than mine, of course. But... having a parent be ill... has nothing to do with age. Last week this woman's mother died. It was hard for me. I felt badly for her of course, but it really hit home. She was out of school last week and returned on Monday. I saw her in the teachers room on Monday and shed some tears together. A bond I never thought I would have with her. My friend whose dad recently had a heart attack and complications from that heart attack...she knows that I know how she is feeling... it's not just something I could imagine... I've been there...am there... the fear of losing someone you love so much. Anyway...

Rico relates to everything going on with my mom... and at times I worry about re-traumatizing him because he has lived this already and I don't want to bring painful memories back to him... but there is also an aspect of this club that is ironic... in a strange way it is comforting to be able to offer support to someone going through something similar... some of the same fears and pain that you have experienced. I hope in ways that Rico can take comfort in the role he is playing for me throughout this journey... because it is comforting to talk with someone who understands. Unfortunately Rico's mom did not beat the cancer that had infested her body... Rico was a huge advocate for his mom as she was living with the disease. He was very in tune with all of the medical aspects of things and was really there for her. Rico and his mom shared a strong, unique bond, and can understand my closeness with my mother. Rico was telling me how excited he was to read the blog from the other day where I shared that mom had gained weight at her last appointment and that the tumor seems to have begun to liquify and parts of it are dying... He told me that his mom had never gained weight once her battle had begun. He said that in all his readings and in all of his experiences...someone who is losing the battle with cancer does not gain weight. He also said that his mother's doctors put more weight, no pub intended, in how his mom felt than they did in the medical results. So... there are good things going on for my mom right now...Rico and I both agreed that the good times are worthy of celebration...

I confessed something to him for which I feel guilty... and as I type this I worry about how this will effect my mom if she reads it... but it is part of this process for me... we all know how much I hate what my mom is facing and going through... how her body has been possessed by this damn disease and all...and everything my dad is experiencing too...I so want things to be as good as they can be and want the best possibilities to come to fruition... but I have been afraid to be hopeful... perhaps that sounds crazy... but while I have so been grateful for how well mom has been doing this summer... I have been on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop... not necessarily even about mom, but just waiting for the universe to throw something else at me... so in my head and thinking, sometimes I don't dare to be hopeful because I think it will hurt more to fall further... if that makes sense.

But... Rico said to me last night... wherever the bottom is... you can't get lower than that...

So... does it really matter how high you are before you hit the bottom? Very good Rico... very good... and while the initial impact may feel more acute... the bottom is the bottom. So when you aren't at the bottom... look around and appreciate it...

Hope is something that has been scary for me for a while... I think that my fear of hope began with my PVNS journey. Things got so bad... that I really had gotten to a place where I thought the rest of my life would involve pain, depression, and anxiety... and every time I had any iota of hope, I was disappointed. So... I think my paradigms shifted... my optimistic nature was defeated... I became tired of disappointments and began expecting that the rug was pulled out from under me... I expected that... again and again... and a lot of times that happened... it seemed like I kept getting hit while I was down...

So as guilty as I feel about it... the truth is...my level of hope for my mom's health status has not been as high as it should be... could be... will be... because of fear of losing her... fear of hurting so bad from losing her... It is counter intuitive because I do BELIEVE that the energy we put into the universe impacts what energy comes to us... I also believe that sometimes the universe's aim is not always accurate... but that's beside the point.

The point is that I need to have hope... not because it is the right thing to do... but because there is hope... for my mom... for other people's moms or dads...for myself, for my future... and it really is okay to be hopeful... So... I am going to dare to have faith...